After All This Time (12 page)

Shreela secured the thin straps of her shiny sandals and stood up.

‘Are you okay? Isn’t all this weighing you down?’ Shourya asked. Her lehenga was a very light shade of peach, and was hand-embroidered in red all over. Teamed with the dupatta and her jewellery, Shreela was balancing a fair amount of weight on five-inch heels.

‘I’m okay,’ she said and walked to the dressing table. She sat down on the stool in front of the mirror and attempted to fix her hair.

‘You sure?’ Shourya asked.

‘Yes. I have been training for this day since forever. It is going to be perfect.’

Her voice was flat and dull. For someone who had trained for her wedding day ‘since forever’ and planned for it for months, she did not seem quite as excited.

Shourya needed to join his father at the main gate to receive the groom.. He could hear the band music getting louder as the baraat drew near. It was the silence he was receiving from Shreela that scared him.

He went and stood behind her. Watching her face closely in the mirror, he asked, ‘Nervous?’

She continued fiddling with her hair, which only made it worse. She inadvertently pulled out several strands from her bun, which fell in front of her face. She pushed them away angrily, muttering, ‘This . . .
stupid
. . . thing.’

‘Leave it alone,’ Shourya chuckled. ‘Mom is bringing your make-up people upstairs.’

Shreela let her hands fall into her lap and looked up at Shourya in the mirror. ‘Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?’

‘Not really. No more than I already do. Whether you live here or with Manav doesn’t matter to me, distance-wise; I’ll still be thousands of miles away,’ Shourya said, and immediately regretted it. ‘But of course, I will miss you! Is that even a question?’

‘You are always so mean to me.’

‘Older brothers are supposed to be.’

‘Even on their younger sister’s wedding day?’ Shreela’s eyes were larger than ever as she waited for Shourya’s response.

‘Don’t make that face! I am not being mean to you. I’ve been trying my damnedest to give you your dream wedding. Making sure everything is perfect. Except how will it be perfect if I am here when your groom and the rest of his baraat are out there waiting for me to greet them and I am in here chatting with you?’

‘That’s
all
you care about!’ Shreela sniffed angrily.

‘I thought that’s what
you
wanted! Isn’t that why you’ve been after my life to take care of every last detail since I got here?’ Shourya was exasperated.

‘Ugh, fine, go.’

‘Thank you! We will talk about this later. I know you must be anxious and scared, but like you said, you’ve been training for this all your life. You’re going to be great.’

Shourya was at the door when he turned around, ‘Wait, aren’t you going to be cold? Do you want a shawl or—’

‘No!’ Shreela stood up hastily and examined herself in the mirror. Inches and inches of midriff were exposed between her backless blouse and the top of the lehenga. ‘I dieted and did crunches every day for
three
months to get this stomach. This is my day, I’m showing off!’

And with that, Shourya knew Shreela was okay.

He rushed to the front gate just in time to see Manav dismount from the horse he was riding. He was wearing a sherwani in beige and red, very similar to Shreela’s lehenga. The glitter around Shourya made him dizzy. Everyone—women
and men
—was wearing brightly coloured clothes embellished with sequins or stone work or embroidery.

Shourya had chosen the most subtle sherwani he could find at the store before his mother and sister could reject it as being too simple. His mother had ulterior motives. ‘You’re the bride’s single older brother. There are going to be lot of eyes on you. I bet we will get at least ten rishtas for you in the week after the wedding.’ Shourya was just glad his clothes did not have colourful stones on them.

Barring one awkward moment when one of the baraatis felt offended because he wasn’t welcomed with a garland, the wedding went by smoothly. Shourya was on his toes all night long, prepared to troubleshoot, come what may.

Lavanya and her parents arrived shortly after the baraat and she stayed by Shourya’s side for the remainder of the night. As the wedding ceremony proceeded, Shourya was asked to tie a knot, binding Shreela’s and Manav’s dupattas together, before the seven pheras around the fire commenced.

Shourya took a seat directly in front of Shreela and Manav and watched as they performed the wedding rituals together. Manav kept stealing looks at her, and Shreela blushed every time that happened. His little sister was all grown up and looking beautiful on her wedding day.

Shourya fought back tears, nearly losing control until he felt Lavanya’s hand clutching his.

When Lavanya’s head touched the pillow, she felt herself finally relax, both mentally and physically. She had had a headache all night, which had worsened because of the loud wedding music. She feared it had to do something to do with her illness. Or it could just be a migraine. She had over-exerted herself on the dance floor along with all of Shreela’s friends. When they had first requested Lavanya to join them, she had been naïve enough to think they would go away if she politely declined their invitation. But that hadn’t deterred them; they had dragged her on to the dance floor despite her protests. The party had really got going when Shourya and the groom’s friends had jumped in. Lavanya did not remember the last time she had danced to Hindi and Punjabi songs that were loud, rowdy and, quite frankly, disrespectful to women at times. The dancing had continued for hours and it wasn’t until nearly all the guests had left and the DJ asked to wrap up that they realized what time it was.

‘Wow . . . ’ Lavanya sighed.

‘I know!’ Shourya groaned as he lay down next to her on the bed. His house was crawling with relatives from all around the country and friends that were staying over the night for Shreela’s bidaayi in the morning. Shourya had refused to let Lavanya go.

‘So glad your mom kept this room locked for you. Cannot imagine being around so many people any longer,’ Lavanya mumbled sleepily.

‘Mmm.’

‘It was fun, right?’

‘Mmm-hmm.’

‘I have never danced so much before.’

There was no response from Shourya. She turned on her side and faced him. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed. Lavanya poked his arm. He did not stir. She poked him again. Nothing. Lavanya propped herself up on an elbow and observed him. His chest was rising and falling evenly, his eyes were shut and his face relaxed. He must have been exhausted, to fall asleep as soon as he lay down. Lavanya poked his arm repeatedly till he woke up, startled.

‘Huh? What . . .
what
?’ he blurted.

‘I have never danced so much before.’ Lavanya smiled.

‘I was sleeping,’ Shourya said, feeling disgruntled.

‘Were you?’ Lavanya feigned ignorance. ‘I thought you wanted to talk to me. If you wanted to sleep, why did you ask me to hang back?’

‘Because I wanted you around.’ Shourya sat up against the head rest grudgingly and rubbed his eyes. ‘My neck hurts.’

‘My entire body hurts.’

‘Why does your body hurt? You didn’t do anything, except dance a little. I’ve been busting my ass all day every day for two weeks.’

‘Please. It was hardly
little
. But I have to give it to you—you did a great job with the wedding arrangements. Not a single flower out of place.’ Lavanya stifled a yawn as she sat up in front of Shourya.

‘Actually, there were some flowers out of place,’ Shourya confided. ‘Manav’s father’s cousin’s friend felt disrespected because he wasn’t greeted with a garland like the rest of the baraatis. We over-prepared for everything. We were told to arrange to receive sixty baraatis. I ordered a hundred garlands, and we were still one short!’

Lavanya chuckled. ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it. He sounds like someone creating a nuisance just
because
. Besides, I don’t understand why garlands would matter to someone. They all take them off in about five seconds.’

‘I don’t know. They look for “respect” in these things or whatever.’

‘I guess.’

Shourya’s eyes were red, and sad. Seeing him watch as Shreela and Manav got married, she could see how it had affected him. She had seen his jaw clench and stay that way till the time it was over. He had not looked at Lavanya the entire time, but he hadn’t let go of her hand either.

‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘You look shaken up.’

Shourya’s eyes met hers. ‘I’m okay, I’m okay. Only . . . I was so caught up with the preparations that . . . when I had time to sit down and
see
. . .’

‘Do you think they are not going to be happy . . .?’

‘No, no, of course not. They adore each other. They
are
kids, but they’ll figure it out. Manav has a lot of work cut out for him.’ Shourya laughed.

‘He seems so much in love with Shreela. Did you see how he kept whispering something in her ear? They were giggling so much! I think the priest even got offended at one point.’ Lavanya ran her fingers over the edge of Shourya’s sherwani. It was a dark shade of maroon that shone under the light. ‘Is this silk?’

‘I think so. Listen, can we sleep now? I am exhausted.’

‘It is already. Shreela’s bidaayi is in an hour. Will you be able to wake up if you go to sleep now?’ Lavanya asked. A portion of his neck was exposed just above the collar of his sherwani. The maroon silk next to his skin offered a contrast she could not tear her eyes away from.

‘I guess it’s better to stay up till the bidaayi. I’m going to sleep for ten hours after she leaves and it’s finally over.’

‘Makes sense.’ She nodded, still staring at his neck.

Shourya stretched, his joints cracking. ‘How do you guys handle the cold in these clothes? Half of your body is exposed.’ He pointed to her stomach.

‘Stop looking at my exposed body.’

‘Then stop showing it!’

‘I’m wearing a sari to a wedding. That is what I am expected to do. And saris expose tummies. You’re the one staring!’ Lavanya felt her ears get warm. She hoped they were not turning red as well.

‘Ah, you don’t have anything to hide. You have a nice tummy.’

‘Don’t call it a tummy. That makes it sound fat.’

‘I said tummy because you said tummy,’ Shourya grinned.

‘I said tummy because the word is asexual. Reminds me of cute little girls.’

‘Why were you thinking about cute little girls’ tummies?’

‘I wasn’t!’ Lavanya glared at Shourya. ‘
God!
Will you stop? Women don’t get affected by the cold weather once they are all dressed up. Simple as that.’

‘Okay. I was just asking.’ Shourya raised his hands in surrender.

Lavanya tried to find something other than her stomach to talk about. Sitting down was not the best position for stomachs to look flat and she could not keep it sucked in much longer. She rearranged the pallu of her sari over herself to hide whatever little she could.

‘What’s new with you? Anything on the ex-girlfriend front?’ she asked, looking to change the topic.

‘As a matter of fact, she called.’ Shourya was no longer looking at Lavanya.

‘What? Why didn’t you tell me? We are supposed to talk about every new development.’

‘I was trying not to think about it.’

‘Did you take her call?’

‘Yes.’ Shourya’s voice was low.

‘And? What did she want?’

Shourya was quiet for a few minutes, then he looked up at Lavanya. ‘She wants us to get back together. She said Avik took her away on a cruise and proposed to her and she panicked. She did not know what else to do but say yes, so she did. She thought that if she did not say yes right away, there would be another big fight between them. She said she thinks Avik is insecure and doesn’t trust her.’

‘I think Avik is right to be insecure when it comes to her. She agreed to marry him, took the ring, and then she is calling you to get back together? Not someone
anyone
should trust.’

Shourya started to say something. ‘I—’

‘
Including
you.’

‘She is not that kind of a person—’

‘Shourya Kapoor, are you really thinking about taking her back?’ Lavanya could not believe what she was hearing.

‘I have known her for so many years, Lavanya. It is not that simple. I know the kind of person she is. She messed up and she is confused and scared and . . . I don’t know. She is just trying to figure things out.’

‘I don’t believe this! How can you let her get under your skin like this? You are still taking her side, as if she’s never wronged you.’ Lavanya was furious at him. He knew what Deepti could do to him—he had already been through it once. How could he even think of letting her do that to him again?

‘I am not taking her side. I am just saying that everybody makes mistakes. She was confused and . . . When you’ve known someone for as long as I knew Deepti, you can’t judge them based on any one thing they did. She did something horrible to me, but she also did so many good things. She was with me for so long. We’ve been through a lot together.’

‘I know that. I get that. You were together for six years, you must have been very close. She must have done a lot of good things for you, but so did you for her, right? And in the end none of it mattered to her.’

‘You can’t judge her like this!’ Shourya cried.

‘I can and I will. You obviously cannot think clearly when it comes to her, so someone has to do it for you.’

‘You only want to see the bad in her. She was going through something she did not understand. It was a new country, we had new friends, new lives. She made a mistake . . .’

Lavanya sighed. ‘Fine, you’re right, I have blinkers on when it comes to her, I only want to see what she did wrong. But that’s because you’re the one I care about. She means nothing to me. It is
not
my job to worry about her or what she was going through then or what she wants now. I only care about what you want. And that is what we need to figure out.’

Shourya held his face in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees while he sat in front of Lavanya, who refused to let up. He could see where she was coming from; she was only trying to protect him, but he could not help but feel angry at her too. He had been trying not to bring it up since they’d met in the grocery store. It had happened years ago, there was no point in bringing it up.

‘She was with me through the hardest years of my life.’

‘Shourya, look at the big picture. Look at what happened in the end and then decide. Do you want to make yourself go through all that again?’ Lavanya asked. She was sitting in front of him, Indian style, leaning towards him and gesturing wildly as if she was talking to a crazy person.

As if
he
was the one who didn’t understand.

‘She was there when I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. Up until then, I’d had a relatively easy life, no big challenges or decisions to take. When I got out of school, I joined the best engineering college that I got accepted to. But what next? I had no plans. She encouraged me to do whatever I wanted; she was confident that I would succeed. She shared my dream . . . We took the journey together. We worked for it together and we reached it,’ Shourya said quietly.

‘But you didn’t! She held you back.
Harvard
was your dream, not Berkeley!’

‘UCB was amazing. It was good for me. Everything I know, I learned there.’

‘Yes, I am sure it was great. But you had to
settle
for it, only because she did not get into Harvard.’

Shourya could see Lavanya getting more and more agitated.

‘It was a stupid childish wish, not a real dream. UCB gave me everything Harvard offered—’

‘
You told me Harvard was your dream.
Just last week, you told me. What changed?’

‘I guess I only wanted to focus on what I gave up for Deepti so I could hate her more. I did not want to think of all the things I got because of her, with her. Now when I think about it, I can’t help but wonder if my
dream
of going to Harvard really mattered to me.’

‘Shourya, I don’t understand.’ Lavanya spoke softly. She reached out and took both of Shourya’s hands in hers.

Shourya looked at their hands—hers, small and pale and cold, holding his. ‘Fourteen years, Lavanya. From the day I met you in kindergarten, till the day we left school—we were together every day. I was used to having you around all the time. But you were obsessed with Harvard; you couldn’t wait to finish school and run off there. And then all you could think of was getting away from your father and the people in school who bullied you.’

‘Shourya, don’t do this,’ Lavanya said in a quiet voice.

‘You can’t run away from this, Lavanya. Running away is your solution to everything, but I won’t let you. Not this time.’

Lavanya pulled her hands back and moved away from him.

‘I was there too,’ Shourya continued. ‘I was with you,
all the fucking time
, never letting anyone so much as pass a comment on you. I tried to protect you from them as much as I could. I know it was tough. All our classmates teaming up against you, making fun of you because of your father’s relationship with Mrs Dey . . . I know how hard it was for you . . . but I was there, dammit!’

Lavanya nodded.

‘I went through what you went through. Every snide remark that reached your ears reached mine too. And believe it or not, it hurt me just as much as it did you. But you were so caught up in your own pain that you didn’t see any of that, did you? You were hell-bent on getting out of there and never looking back. On leaving everything and everyone behind and starting over. I was just another casualty,’ Shourya shrugged, remembering the time she’d told him that she got a call from Harvard.

‘
Don’t say that!
’ Lavanya protested.

‘You were so happy. I bet you didn’t think of me even once. I had promised myself I wouldn’t hold you back, but I slipped once, didn’t I? Do you remember? When we were shopping for those big bags you needed to take to the US? I could see it happening in front of my eyes. For the first time, I realized that it was time. You were going. I had to stop you. I begged you to stop. I didn’t know how to function without you. For as long as I could remember, I had always had you around. You were my best friend, brother, sister, constant companion—everything. I couldn’t imagine living without you.’

Shourya moved closer to Lavanya. He held her chin and made her look at him. ‘You knew how I felt about you . . . and you asked me not to say it. You told me to keep it to myself, if I cared about you, and you told me to let you go because that was the only thing that could make you happy. That you would die if you had to live here for one more day.’

Shourya got up. He could not look at her any more. She was crying. He felt like such a heel for bringing up something that happened such a long time ago and blaming her for it, when he had seen first-hand what it had been like for her. She had only been trying to find a way to exist without going through torture every day. Even when school was finally over, she had to live with her father and as soon as she saw him, everything came flooding back to her. Keeping it a secret from her mother had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. The whole school knew, and openly ridiculed her, but it fell on Lavanya to look after her mother. She did not know whether to tell her or not. In the end, she could not do it. Everyone knew her family was dysfunctional, broken, but she could not bring herself to actually break it.