After Anna (24 page)

The hashtag
#notfittobeamum
was still out there.

Doesn’t deserve her daughter back. #JuliaCrowne #notfittobeamum

As well as some new ones, freshly-minted by the internetariat, one tweet had managed to invent two further new ones:

#betteroffdead Britain’s Biggest Bitch #BBB #JuliaCrowne

Who were these people who felt the need to abuse strangers? Did it make them feel better? Braver? That they were saying something important, which might have an impact on the world? Or were they just lashing out, hoping to hurt someone? Thank God they had Twitter to help them with that. For all the benefits of interconnectedness that Twitter – and the internet generally – gave to mankind, there was the ever-present drawback that it was an open window to the sewers of the human mind.

She hear Brian’s footsteps on the stairs. Seconds later the living room door opened.

‘What do they want?’ he said. ‘I heard them shouting from my bedroom window.’

She handed him her laptop. ‘This.’

He scanned the screen. ‘Jesus,’ he said. ‘How did they find out?’

‘The cops,’ Julia said. ‘They must have a contact on the inside.’

He carried on reading. ‘And it’s not even true,’ he said. ‘According to you, anyway. And Mum said you’d be fine when you woke up.’

Good for fucking Mum,
Julia thought.

‘So what now?’ she said.

Brian shrugged. ‘Ignore them, I guess. They’ll go away in the end.’

‘That’s easy for you to say. It’s not your life that they’re splashing – wrongly – all over the world. I mean, they’re making me out to be this awful, drunken, crazy bitch. It’s just not fair.’ She looked away. She didn’t want him to see her cry. He might try to comfort her, put his arms around her, and that, she feared, would make her vomit.

But it seemed he was not interested in comforting her.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Well. What goes around, comes around.’

Julia looked up him. ‘What’s that supposed to mean.’

‘Just that you started this. You declared that you wanted out of our marriage. If you hadn’t done that then we’d be fine now, wouldn’t we? Anna would be home and we’d be getting on with our lives.’

Julia stared at him. ‘Are you serious?’

‘It’s true, isn’t it? Forget that your mistake meant Anna was taken; she’s back now. And if you hadn’t decided to end our marriage we’d be ok. The press might have blamed you a bit, but that would have passed. There’d have been no suicide attempt, if that’s what it was, because we’d have had each other. Apart from Anna’s abduction, this … ’ he made a vague, sweeping gesture, ‘all stems from your decision to break this family apart.’

‘So I was supposed to stay with you in case this happened? Every woman who wants to leave a relationship should stay, in case this happens to them? Don’t you see how ridiculous that is?’

‘Maybe. But it’s true.’

‘No. It isn’t. If I hadn’t decided to end our marriage, I’d still be unhappily stuck in it.’

‘You can’t admit it, can you? Even now?’

‘Admit what?’

‘That it was a mistake.’

‘No,’ Julia said. ‘I can’t. Because it wasn’t. Not picking up Anna was a mistake, I’ll admit that. But ending our marriage wasn’t. And you know how I know that? Because if I hadn’t done it then, I’d be doing it now.’

She was surprised by the bitterness, by the sheer rage and hatred between them. All she wanted was to wound him. Hurt him. Stab him with her words. Stab him with a knife. Kick him. Bite him.

It was a terrible, awful feeling. She closed her eyes against it, against him, against the world.

Forget Monday. The sooner he was gone, the better.

‘I think you should leave,’ she said, eyes still closed. ‘Go to your mum’s, today.’

There was no reply. When she opened her eyes he was gone.

iv.

‘Mum says I can come tonight.’

Brian was standing in the kitchen door frame.

‘Ok,’ Julia said. ‘Sounds good.’

‘What will we tell Anna?’

‘I don’t know. What do you think?’

‘Mum suggested saying nothing. Just tell her that I’m going to her place for a night.’

‘We’ll have to tell her the truth soon.’

‘I know. But not today.’ Brian’s gaze met hers for a second, then he looked away, as though he couldn’t bear to look at her. ‘I’ll come back tomorrow afternoon to get some of my belongings.’

‘OK. What time?’

‘Two p.m. Something like that.’

‘Fine.’

And so it was done.

Julia woke abruptly, snapping into consciousness, her heart racing, her body flooded with adrenaline.

She was on high alert, and she didn’t know why. What had woken her? What had triggered her body’s sudden leap into this tense, wired state? A noise? Had she heard something?

Next to her, Anna lay asleep. She glanced at the alarm clock. Three twenty in the morning. She lifted her head off the pillow, straining to listen.

Outside, the sound of the wind in the trees. Inside, silence. Just the normal creaks and groans of a house. Just the noises of the witching hour.

Unless they were the creaks and groans of someone stealthy. Someone who could successfully kidnap a child. Someone who could return the child and not be caught.

Someone who might be in her house right that moment.

Julia sat upright. She got out of bed and pulled on her jeans and a T-shirt. She walked to the bedroom door and stood there, listening.

Nothing.

She crossed the room to the window and looked out. The police car was there, outside the house. Two officers sat in the front seat. Her heart rate fell, the panic subsiding.

And then she saw him. A man, wearing a dark hoodie, standing under a sycamore tree at the far end of the street. He was motionless, staring – at least, Julia thought he was staring – at the house.

Oh my God
, Julia thought.
He’s here. He’s here right now. Watching us. I have to wake Brian up.

But Brian wasn’t there. Brian was with Edna.

Julia picked up Anna, and ran.

‘Yes, ma’am,’ the officer said. He was in his late twenties, and bleary-eyed. He held the top of a silver flask in his hand. It was filled with coffee. Julia wondered whether his wife or girlfriend or mother had made it for him as he left for night duty. ‘We’ll have a look.’

Julia held Anna –who was still asleep – against her chest. ‘I saw him,’ she said. ‘I know I did. Right there, at the end of the street.’

She felt foolish. She’d run outside and banged on the window of the police car, babbling about the man watching her, watching and waiting.

But there was no one there, and she could tell that the police officers thought she was seeing things.

She couldn’t blame them. Even she thought she might be seeing things.

‘I’m sure you did,’ the officer said. ‘I’ll walk up there now and take a look.’

‘Look for clues,’ Julia said. ‘Footprints. Things like that.’

‘I will do, ma’am,’ he said, and smiled. ‘Why don’t you go back inside? See if you can get some sleep. You’re safe with us here.’

Julia nodded and went back into her house.

It took her a long time to fall back to sleep.

v.

At midday the next day the doorbell rang.

Brian, come to get his stuff. So he rang the doorbell now. How quickly something as fundamental as your home could change. Just like that he no longer had the right to put his key in the door and open it unannounced.

He was with Edna. They stood on the front step, both wearing matching new Ray-Ban sunglasses.

‘A lovely day,’ Edna said. ‘Summer’s finally here.’

‘Come in,’ Julia said.

They stood in the hallway. It suddenly seemed very narrow and awkward. Julia backed away.

‘So,’ she said. ‘What’s the plan?’

Brian was saved from answering by Anna’s arrival.

‘Daddy!’ she shouted, as he scooped her into his arms. ‘Did you stay at Grandma’s last night?’

‘I did,’ Brian said.

‘Why?’

‘Because … ’ he glanced at Julia and Edna, ‘because I had a—’

‘Because I needed help with something,’ Edna said. ‘Daddy’s going to be helping me quite a bit from now on, so he’ll be staying with me.’ She looked at Julia, her face fixed and hard. ‘Your mummy will tell you all about it.’

‘That’s right, darling,’ Julia said. ‘We can talk about it later.’

‘Do you want to see my painting, Daddy?’ Anna said.

‘I’d love to,’ Brian replied. ‘Where is it?’

‘In the breakfast room. Come on.’

They followed Anna through the house. When they reached the two easels she turned and flung her hands out like a circus showman.

‘Ta-da!’ she said.

‘Wow,’ Brian said, nodding at the morass of paint smeared on the paper. ‘That is amazing. Can you tell me what it’s called?’

‘It’s called
Pony Trek
,’ Anna said. ‘It’s ponies. Lots of them.’

‘I see that,’ Brian said. ‘I love it.’ He ruffled her hair and bent down to kiss her. ‘I just have to go upstairs for a few minutes,’ he said. ‘I’ll see you in a sec’.’

When he was gone Edna beckoned Julia into the kitchen.

‘You know,’ she said. ‘It might be nice for Brian to have a few moments alone with Anna. To say goodbye. He won’t make a fuss of it, but this is a big moment for him.’

‘What are you saying, Edna?’ Julia said.

‘I’m saying that you could go for a walk for an hour or so. That would give Brian a chance to pack up and also to spend a bit of time with his daughter.’

Julia folded her arms. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I can go in the other room. Or stay upstairs. I don’t feel like going out.’

‘There are no press, if that’s what you’re worried about. They’re gone.’

‘It’s not just that. It’s … you know, seeing people. I don’t want them staring at me.’

‘Wear a cap. No one will recognize you. And if they do they won’t say anything.’

‘I don’t think so, Edna.’

‘You’re going to have to face it sooner or later,’ Edna said. ‘Might as well get it over with. It’s like removing a plaster. Better just to rip it off.’

Jesus
, Julia thought.
She never gives up.
She looked out at the blue skies. She hadn’t seen much sun recently, and it was a lovely day.

‘Fine,’ she said. ‘But I might not be an hour.’

‘Whatever you can give him will be greatly appreciated,’ Edna said. ‘Thank you, Julia.’

At the end of the road, Julia took a narrow snicket that led to the canal towpath. The canal was a narrow, lazy band of muddy water that saw little traffic beyond the day cruisers and occasional canal dweller. She had always considered it as inferior to the river in the park, preferring the livelier charms of the moving, rushing water, but on such a warm day the park would be busy, whereas the canal would be populated only by the usual band of dog walkers and solitary fishermen.

It felt good to move. Good to be outside with the sun on her skin. Good to feel the blood rush in her body. Much as she disliked Edna’s way of declaiming the benefits of fresh air and exercise, and much as she did not agree that they were a cure for all ills, she had to admit that her mother-in-law had a point. She felt better than she had since Anna’s disappearance.

She strode along. On the opposite bank a family of swans, the cygnets fluffy and grey and already the size of ducks, pecked at some weeds. The surface of the water rippled with the movements of invisible insects; bubbles – from fish, maybe – occasionally rose to the light. In what appeared, at first glance, to be a still, barren landscape there was so much going on. There was so much life.

A few miles from home she passed a bench. It was by a bridge that led up to a main road, where she knew there was a petrol garage with a small convenience store. She was thirsty, so she climbed the steps and headed for the garage.

In the store, cap over her eyes, she grabbed a bottle of Buxton spring water and a Twix. She avoided looking at the newspapers.

‘Nice day,’ the man behind the counter said. He was tall, well over six foot, and in his mid to late fifties. He had a crown of greying hair around a bald spot. His eyes were sharp behind thick glasses. ‘You out for a walk on the canal?’

‘Yes,’ Julia said. ‘How did you know?’

‘Not many people walk here. Those that do come from the canal path. See many people, did you?’

Julia shook her head and handed him a twenty pound note. She felt suddenly uncomfortable, suddenly very aware that she was alone in a secluded place and that this man knew it. This man with hard eyes and an abrupt manner knew it.

She told herself not to be stupid. There was nothing wrong with the guy. He wasn’t a rapist; just bored and a bit blunt. There were plenty of them around. Two weeks ago she wouldn’t have thought twice about him.

But this wasn’t two weeks ago. Two weeks ago she had been aware in a vague way that there were people out there who abducted children or raped and killed people, but now she knew it in a different way, and she knew something about it that she had never really thought true: she knew it could happen to her.

What if he was a rapist? What if he was the one who had taken Anna? What if he didn’t even really work here, but had been following her and had somehow dashed in and killed the person – a young girl, in Julia’s visions – who worked here?

He held out her change. She stared at it. She didn’t want to take it from him, didn’t want to touch his hand.

‘You all right?’ he asked.

She didn’t answer. The connection between her brain and her mouth was frozen.

‘Hey,’ he said. ‘You ok?’

Finally, she managed to get some control of herself.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I’m ok. Just a bit hot.’

He frowned. ‘You far from home?’

‘A bit. No. A few miles.’

‘You should get a taxi, love. You don’t look all that well. You want me to call you one?’

She opened her mouth to say
yes
but then she stopped herself.

What if he calls a friend?
she thought
. What if this is part of his plot?