After Purple (32 page)

“No,” I said, firmly. “
Ray
take you.” I wondered if he could lip-read, or even knew who Ray was.

He moved a little closer. I could see the faint down glistening on his cheek. He hardly needed to shave. He was smooth like Leo. Two smooth and wounded lions. He took my hand. It didn't feel so limp and clammy now, but fierce, almost urgent. Perhaps he was simply desperate for a pee. At least I should take him to the toilet door. That couldn't do much harm. Worse if he wet his pants. If only I could say, “What d'you want
me
for?” or, “Why can't you go yourself?” It seemed incredible that the world was silent for him, his entire life's conversation just twelve short words on a two-dimensional card. I smiled at him, more in pity now.

“Look,” I said. “I'll just take you to the door …”

Suddenly, he grabbed me. I could smell cider on his breath, feel his fat red lips groping along my neck, his arms around my own.

I tried to pull away. “Ray,” I shouted. “Ray!” But then I realised, almost triumphantly, I
wasn't
shouting. I was whispering, and his hands were on my breasts.

Madame Simmoneaux had long since gone to bed. We stood on the dark shadowy landing, trying to grope our way up the last flight of stairs. I tripped on a loose piece of lino, almost fell.

“Steady, Thea. It's treacherous up here. Is it far now? We must have climbed almost up to heaven!”

“No, this is it. Here — take a look — my suite at the Savoy! Luxurious, isn't it?” I struggled with the door-handle.

“I've seen worse,” said Ray, peering in. I could tell he was embarrassed. He didn't feel he should waltz into a lady's bedroom and yet he knew he couldn't leave me. I tried to look more desperate than I was. I'd been practising all the way from the hostel, slumped against him in the front of the bus and almost sobbing. I'm good at almost sobbing.

“Thea, look, about this … Lionel business. I just don't know what to … I mean, I'd no
idea
the boy'd do a thing like that.”

I shrugged. “It's OK,” I said. I tried to look brave and sort of poignant. I needed courage. My room looked even worse in artificial light — if you could call it light. The bulb was weak and wavering and had no shade. Dingy shadows stalked in all the corners, things jumped out at us. A cloud of small black insects buzzed around the ceiling. I'd left the window open and the damp night air had seeped in like black mud. We were both still standing just outside the door. The handle was half off, and Ray was trying to screw it back again.

“No, it's
not
OK,” he said. “I know how upset you are. I'm upset
myself
, for heaven's sake. I feel I should never have taken you up there in the first place. On the other hand, I had absolutely no reason to suspect that …”

“Oh, really? So why did you all keep saying Lionel fancied me? You were almost gloating over it. God! If I'd realised you meant it
sexually
, I'd never have …”

“Of
course
we didn't, Thea. How could you think we'd encourage a thing like that? Oh, it
happens
— I can't deny it. One boy we even had to send away. He was continually pestering the cleaning ladies. But Lionel,
never
. I mean, that's why I'm so shocked. Are you absolutely certain, Thea, he did what you said he did? I know you're upset, but …”

“Oh, so you're calling me a liar, now, are you?” I marched into the room, straight over to the window, and slammed it shut. “Christ, I've done my best not to make a fuss so you wouldn't feel responsible, and the only thanks I get is for you to turn round and say it never bloody happened.”

He looked more desperate than I did now, but at least I'd lured him into the bedroom. He'd even got the handle back and shut the door behind us. “I'm
not
saying that, Thea, of course I'm not. It's always a problem with the handicapped. They do have all the normal … well …
urges
, but there's not much they can do about them, so they get frustrated. On the other hand, we must be fair to the lad. You were holding his hand half the evening and he probably thought …”

I kicked my suitcase out of the way. There was no proper storage space, so it was doubling as a cupboard. “Hell, Ray, I didn't
want
to hold his rotten clammy hand. I was only trying to be decent. Your precious Mary-Lou told me it was most important never to let the boys feel rejected. So all I did was sort of mother him a bit. I never thought I'd more or less get raped for it.”

“Try and calm down now, Thea. What's happened, happened, and at least he
didn't
rape you. Oh, I know it was bad enough. Don't think I'm whitewashing him — I'm not — but he didn't
mean
it. He's not really responsible, you see.”

“Like
hell
he's not! Want to see the marks?” I showed him a nick Karma had given me the day before. Karma liked me less and less these days. Something to do with Leo's impotence, I reckon.

“Nasty. You sit down and rest a bit. Is there anything I can get you?”

I wondered what he had in mind. There wasn't even a decent chair to sit on.

“How about a glass of water?” He was already at the basin. I think he'd have offered me water even if we were camping in a vineyard or guests at Château-Lafite.

“I need something stronger than
that
, Ray. Don't worry, I've got some brandy somewhere. I bought it for Leo on the plane, but I can always get him another.” I pretended to be searching in my suitcase, and with a little sleight of hand, produced a bottle which had been secreted under my sheepskin. I'd pinched it from the hostel. It was the doctor's, actually, but it didn't count as stealing, simply takeaway. After all, I'd refused all their beer and Pepsi, so this was just instead of. Anyway, it was Ray I'd nicked it for. Somehow, I had to get it down him. I poured a toothmug full.

“Stay and have one with me,” I urged. “Please. It'll help calm me down. There's only one glass, I'm afraid, so we'll have to share it.”

I took a swig, then pushed the mug towards him. “God, I do feel lousy. If you don't mind, I think I'll put myself to bed.”

“Good idea!” I could see the relief even in his body. He'd been standing all hunched up before. Now he relaxed his shoulders. “You get a good night's sleep, Thea, and I'll come and see you in the morning, after Mass. I ought to get back now, you see — if you're quite sure you're all right.”

I banged the brandy bottle down. “I'm
not
all right. I just told you, Ray, I feel
bloody
. Lionel's six foot tall, you know, and extremely strong. Of course, I suppose you've
got
to defend him, haven't you? It wouldn't sound too good if people heard that one of your precious handicapped went around raping people.”

“Thea, he
did
n't rape you.”

“As good as. Oh, I don't care. You just walk out. Block your ears to anything unpleasant.”

“Thea, girl, do be reasonable. It was
you
who said you didn't want to talk about it.”

“Well, I do now.”

“OK, we'll talk.” He was still standing by the window, as far away from me as he could get in an eight-foot room.

“How
can
we talk, with you all stiff and fidgety and us both buttoned up in our outdoor gear as if we're about to rush off for a ten-mile hike? Look, Ray, I'm going to lie down. I feel rotten. And I want you to take your coat off and come and sit beside me, and just bloody
listen
for five minutes. Is that too much to ask?”

“No, it's not.” He didn't move, though. He looked so tired, all the stuffing seemed to have trickled out of him. He was drooping against the window-sill like an empty sack. I felt sorry for him, really. I think he was torn between us — me and Lionel. That's why I had to tread so carefully. The slightest thing could frighten him away, back to his darling boys. If I started unzipping things, he'd run a mile. On the other hand, I didn't really fancy climbing into bed in a sheepskin.

“Look,” I said, grabbing my nightie and a sponge-bag. “I'll just get changed in the bathroom. OK? Don't go away, Ray, will you? I'm not well enough to be left here on my own.”

There wasn't a bathroom, but I didn't tell him that. I ran two floors down, locked myself in the cramped and smelly loo and struggled out of my clothes. The nightie smelt sort of musty. I'd bought it from the Oxfam shop to double as an evening dress. It was their prize exhibit, black satin slashed from thigh to ankle, like something out of an MGM spectacular. I feared it might be more than Ray could cope with, so I threw the sheepskin back across my shoulders like a cape, had a quick pee, a quicker comb, then panted back upstairs.

Ray hadn't touched the brandy. He was standing by the window exactly as before, but with his eyes closed now. He might have been praying or simply half-asleep. He jumped when I came in.

“Sit down,” I said.

He inched a little nearer, looked around the room. “There doesn't seem to be a …”

“Sit
here
,” I said, patting the bed. I realised he was trying not to look at me, or at least not at the nightie.

“OK, but just for a minute, Thea. They need me at the hostel. I promised I'd be straight back. You see, Mike gets very difficult when I'm not there. And the doctor's waiting up for me. I said I'd go over the schedule for tomorrow with him.” He was using words as blinkers to save him from the satin. “I'm sorry, my girl, but I did try and warn you I'd be busy once I got here. And then there's …”

“You didn't warn me half your boys would be raving sexual maniacs. Or that they'd try and rip my clothes off and rape me in a filthy lavatory, or …” I stopped. He was actually sitting down now, though so close to the edge of the bed, he was in danger of sliding off again.

“Look, Thea, I don't like you to keep using the word rape. It's not really fair to Lionel. You'd better tell me exactly what happened, for the lad's sake, as well as yours.” He shifted a fraction further towards me.

I think he'd have defended Jack the Ripper if he'd been living at his hostel. But at least we were both on the bed and one of us undressed. I pushed the duvet back a little, shrugged the sheep-skin off. That nightie had cost me one pound twenty-five and all Ray could see was the first five penn'orth of it.

“Sit
nearer
,” I whispered. I was freezing cold, but it was worth it.

He moved quarter of a centimetre. I was glad the lights were low. It made it more romantic, or at least disguised the stains on the carpet, the dirty, crumbling patches on the wall. “Well,” I said, “first he sort of stopped me in the passage and pointed to the word toilet — you know, on that card thing.” I've learnt from experience that lies work better if you graft them on to truth. “I didn't know what to
do
, Ray. There was nobody downstairs and I wasn't sure whether women helpers were
meant
to take boys to the loo. I mean, I never suspected for a moment that it was just a ploy. Anyway, while I was dithering, Lionel suddenly dragged me along the passage, right into the toilet, locked the door, and stood with his back against it so I couldn't escape. Then … Oh, Christ, Ray, I … I don't think I
can
tell you — it brings it all back. You see, I
tried
to stop him, I almost fought with him, but …”

Ray was staring at me with that mixture of fascination and revulsion priests always reserve for sex. It's amazing, really, what stories the clergy swallow. I suppose the old guard are so ignorant, and the pop priests so determined to be “with-it”, that either way they go along with you. If I massed all my fiercest fantasies together and multiplied them by ten, most priests would still believe I'd done the lot in a single session.

Victim of rape was quite an appealing role to play, especially now I was lying on my back with Ray bending over me. I only wished I had a cleavage. My breasts tend to disappear when I lie down flat. Mary-Lou's would have formed a second bolster.

“Look, Thea, you've had a shock — I can see that. And of course you're still upset — it's only natural. I don't really think I should leave you here on your own. Why don't you come back with me? To the hostel, I mean. There's not much room up there, but …”

“No
fear
! I wouldn't dare close my eyes with all those dangerous louts around. They're bad enough fully dressed, let alone in their pyjamas.”

“Come off it, Thea, don't exaggerate. You'll be perfectly all right. Mary-Lou will look after you. We can fix you up a sleeping-bag in the girls' dormitory.”

That wasn't what I had in mind at all. “It's OK, Ray, I feel better, actually — now I'm lying down. Just give me a minute and I'll …”

“You see, I've got to get back my
self
, Thea. If you came with me, the doc could give you something to help you sleep.”

I didn't
want
to sleep — that's not what I'd bought the nightie for. “No, really, Ray, I'm OK. Honestly. Just stay here beside me and …”

He shifted a little. I could see his eyes burning through the spectacles. He had brought the holiness with him, even here. “Look, Thea, I want you to try and understand. Lionel didn't
intend
it as an attack. In fact, you could almost say it was a compliment. Oh, I know that sounds insulting, but the lad was obviously quite dazzled by you. He's a handsome fellow himself, but completely cut off from all the normal boy/ girl things. He can't even
talk
about his feelings. Then he meets an attractive girl like you, someone who seems to take an interest in him, and he reacts in the wrong way. To
him
it probably seemed more like a sort of … tribute to you.”