After School Activities (13 page)

he was so mad al the time that even Coach noticed it. Now, nothing.”

“And you think that’s because of me?”

“Listen, I don’t mean to overstep my bounds or whatever. God knows

I’ve never real y understood the strange friendship you two have….”

“Friendship? That’s not exactly the word I’d use.”

James P. Hogan raised an eyebrow. “Real y? Then what would you

use? I have never met any two people who take as much pleasure in ‘fighting’

as you and he, and with such a complete lack of any actual malice. Plus, you

two hang out all the time.”

“That was only recently we started hanging out.”

“Still.” I was stunned. Did everyone think Adam and I had been friends

this whole time? Or only James P. Hogan? “Look, al I’m saying is I think

you should talk to him.”

We lapsed into silence for a minute.

“You really think we’ve been friends this whole time?” I finally asked.

“You really didn’t?”

I shrugged. “I always figured we were worst enemies. I mean, he was

always so mean to me.”

“You guys always seemed to enjoy yourselves.”

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“Recently, maybe. Sure. But it hasn’t always been that way. In

elementary school he was downright cruel. I don’t even know how many

times he made me cry.”

James started rifling through the pages of my homework, continuing

without looking at me. “You know in elementary school, I used to be real y

mean to Charlotte. It wasn’t ’cause I hated her. Quite the opposite actually. I would pinch her, cal her names, show her frogs to make her scream….”

“Adam used to shove the frogs down my pants.”

“There you go. He was a lit le more direct than I was.”

“But that’s different. You had a crush on Charlotte.” James gave me a

flat look. A look that said “I think we both know it isn’t so different.”

“Oh. How did you know?”

“Dude. Come on.”

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CHAPTER ELEVEN

NIGHT WAS falling, and the breeze off the lake was making me chilly.

November had kind of snuck up on me, and I had foolishly neglected to

wear anything warmer than a sweatshirt. After James left, I made my dad

drive me out to Adam’s lakeside spot. I’d been there enough times to

remember the way. Dad, luckily, hadn’t asked why I suddenly needed to

go out into the middle of nowhere, much less be left there alone. I don’t

know what I would have told him. That had been hours ago, and Adam

still hadn’t shown up. It was beginning to look like I’d have to call and ask Dad to pick me up.

Headlights shone through the trees. I clutched my knees to my chest

and kept my eyes on the lake. The car came to a stop, headlights shining

right on me. A second later I heard the car start to pull away, stop, pull

back in. A minute passed. I fought the urge to look his way. If Adam was

going to talk to me, he would. Jumping up and running at the car would

probably only scare him away. After what seemed like an eternity, the

headlights went out, the car turned off, and I heard the car door open and

Adam get out.

I counted the steps Adam took to me. Twenty-three. I still didn’t

look his way. Maybe I was afraid he would change his mind, think I was

being too insistent or something, get back in his car, and I’d lose my

chance to ever make things up to him. Or that this wasn’t even Adam and I

was, like, two seconds away from getting murdered. But after those

twenty-three steps, he stopped, right beside where I sat. Out of the corner

of my eye, I could see his legs. They looked like Adam legs. I decided I

probably wasn’t going to be murdered.

Instead I would just have to convince Adam to forgive me. Talking

to Mel and James convinced me I had to try. I only wish I had any idea

how. So I started simple.

“I’m sorry.”

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After School Activities

Waves lapped loudly on the shore of the lake. Once. Twice. Three

times. “Yeah,” Adam finally responded.

Okay, so far so good. There was no yelling, no running away. No

punches in the jaw, which, I reminded myself, had actually been a

possibility. Only now I had no idea where to go. Thousands of things kept

popping into my mind, but sitting there, they all seemed merely excuses.

Adam broke the silence. “Would you rather we talked in my car? It’s

warmer in there.”

“What?”

“You’re shaking.”

I was, I realized. Funny, how you can be so focused you don’t even

notice your own body. “Oh. That’s not ’cause I’m cold. That happens

sometimes when I’m afraid. The first time it happened was when I came

out to Kai. I was afraid he wouldn’t be my friend anymore.” Adam

shuffled his feet at the mention of Kai, and I berated myself for bringing

him up now. When Adam spoke, he sounded a little angry.

“Yeah? Well, what do you have to be scared of now?”

I took a deep breath, steeling myself. “Of losing you.”

The shaking stopped, the world fell silent. This had happened the

last time too, once I had worked up the courage to say what I was afraid

of, the physical manifestation of that fear vanished, and I was left alone

in interminable waiting for the nightmare to come true.

Adam sighed. He sat down next to me, put his arm around my

shoulder and pulled me against him. My head fell on his shoulder. “I

mean, I haven’t completely decided yet, but I don’t think that’s going to

happen.”

I giggled. Hey, relief does funny things to people. “So, you forgive

me?” “The way I figure it, you were nice to me once when I didn’t deserve

it, so now it’s my turn to return the favor.”

“I want you to know that I haven’t spoken to Kai since… you

know.”

“That’s stupid. He’s your best friend. Bros before hos… or whatever

saying applies in this situation.” He was making an effort to sound

lighthearted, but I could hear the strain in his voice, feel the tension in his body. “I needed to make things right with you first.”

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“Thanks,” he said. The strain was mostly gone from his voice, but I

didn’t feel him relax at all. “How long?”

He didn’t say what, but I knew he was talking about me and Kai

fooling around. “A few weeks.”

“But he’s not gay?”

I shook my head. “We were horny, and fooling around was fun.”

“But if he were….”

“If he were gay, we would probably have been in a committed

relationship since puberty.”

“So I really am just second best.”

Fuck. I should have been more careful about what I said. “If it makes

you feel better, you’re both below James P. Hogan.” Oh shit, seriously?

That was the best I could come up with?

To my surprise, Adam laughed. “Well, that goes without saying.

James is by far the hottest guy in school.”

“Right? He’s been number one on my list for
years
. And you get to

see him in the locker room every day! If anyone should be jealous here,

it’s me.”

“Well, I never fucked James.”

So much for levity. I fell silent. He was right, after all.

“So, if James is your number one, where do I fall on that list?” Adam

said. “Number three. Recently promoted, in fact.”

“I see. And Kai is number two.”

“What? No. Number two has always been Sanjay Patel.”

“That nerdy Indian kid?”

“He had eyes like starlight.”

“He moved away in the eighth grade.”

“And Oak Lake still echoes with the memory of him.”

We laughed. I started to hope maybe the hard part was over. But

Adam wasn’t quite finished.

“So where is Malachi on that list?”

I lifted my head to look at Adam. He kept staring forward, not

meeting my eyes. “Four.”

“And you said I was recently promoted.”

“Mmhmm.”

“From?”

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“Four.”

“Let me guess, that changed when I caught you with Malachi and

you decided to settle for me.”

“No. It was when I saw you naked, and then you kissed me.

Actually, when you kissed me you shot up to number one. It took a long

while for me to come to my senses and put James back in his rightful

place.” I expected at least a chuckle on that one, but I didn’t get

anything. I spun around until I was sitting face to face with Adam. “You

keep saying that I’m settling for you, and I don’t know what to say to

make you realize that isn’t true. Yeah, if Kai were gay we’d be dating.

What did you expect? That I’d be secretly pining after you? You were

my
bully
, Adam. Sure, the last, like, five years it’s almost been friendly abuse between us, but I only realized I didn’t hate you this year. Imagine

how much of a shock it was to find out that you’ve actually had a crush

on me for who knows how long—”

“Fifth grade.”

“Did you expect… wait, fifth grade? Really?” He nodded. “Fifth

grade was the worst. You made me cry almost every day.”

His face fell. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you cried. I just….”

“Yeah. No, I get it. Scared of your sexuality. I’ve been there. Don’t

feel bad, all that’s behind us. I’m sorry I brought it up. I only wanted to

point out how through all of that, Kai was there for me and you weren’t.”

His face fell even further, which I hadn’t thought possible. “You’re

right. It makes sense you’d choose him over me.”

“No, goddamn it!” I’d had it. Out of frustration, I punched him in the

leg. His head snapped up, a look of surprise on his face. “I’m saying that

even with all that, I’m choosing you, you fucking idiot! I’m not trying to

tell you why you’re second best, I’m trying to tell you why it took me so

long to realize….”

“Realize what?”

It was my turn to avoid his gaze. “You know. Feelings and stuff.”

I sneaked a peek. He was smiling at me. So I kept going. “I’ve

opened up to you like I haven’t opened up to him. Even in the short time

we haven’t been at each other’s throats. When that thing with Kai

happened, it was like a dream come true. So much so that I ignored all the

problems with it. And there were many. I felt
used
, Adam. It was almost like a one-night stand, but one that happened over and over. And our

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friendship suffered because of it. But I ignored it, ’cause I was lonely, and I wanted his dick so bad. But then you came along, made me feel, I don’t

know. Safe. And warm. It brought us closer, even at school where

everyone could see. That night I wanted to talk to Kai, to tell him about

you, what had happened. I didn’t know what to do. I was feeling so many

things. But then he was sucking my dick, and it was
amazing
. I don’t

know if maybe some cheerleader’s gone down on you under the bleachers

or something—ew, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know—but blow jobs are

the best. But then I saw you in the window, and it woke me up to just how

wrong
everything was, even if it felt amazing. Oh God, you looked so hurt. I felt so terrible. I’m really, really sorry. I should have stopped him, I should have done something, I should have never even started fucking Kai

to begin with. I should have….”

Adam reached up and touched my face, stopping me. He wiped tears

I didn’t realize I was shedding off my cheeks. He said, “I forgive you. Can

you forgive me?”

“For what?”

“For lying to you since the fifth grade. For making you cry. For

doing anything except holding you and kissing you.”

“Oh. That.” I sniffed. “I guess. If I have to.”

Adam laughed. “Come on,” he said, standing up. “Let’s get you

home.”

“I can’t. Being around you makes me too weak in the knees.” Adam

chuckled. The next thing I knew I was being lifted off the ground and

carried toward the car. “Ahhh! I forgot you had muscles.” I wrapped my

arms around his neck. “That’s a lie. I could never forget.”

Once we got in the car, however, my confidence evaporated. When

he started driving, Adam grew silent. Almost distant. I mean, this wasn’t

entirely new, driving in the car with him in the past had usually been quiet.

But back then we hadn’t just made up after weeks of tension. I began to

worry that, given a few minutes of silent contemplation, Adam was going

to rethink forgiving me. I guess a part of me was being fatalistic, like it

couldn’t believe the apparent happy ending that seemed to be unfolding

here. Something
had
to go wrong, like immediately, right?

I studied his face, trying to see if there was some sign of, I don’t

know, turmoil or something beneath the surface. But he seemed kind of

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blank. He didn’t appear at all upset, but he didn’t exactly seem happy

either. Adam must have noticed my scrutiny, ’cause he looked my way. I

quickly looked out the window, feeling my face blush.
Real smooth, there,
Dylan.
If Adam thought I was being weird, he didn’t say anything.

Oh God, why isn’t he saying anything? Maybe he likes driving in

silence? Maybe he’s waiting for me to say something first?
I racked my brain for something to say to break the silence, but I couldn’t think of

anything that didn’t scream “I’m insecure. Please reassure me!” The

crippling quiet stretched on.