After Visiting Friends (33 page)

“All I know is he loved you two boys more than anything. He was always happy when
he was with you two guys.”

“And you? Did he love you?”

“I think he did. But he had those demons. And work was not easy for him. There was
a lot of stress, and odd hours, too. He was on Valium. But I coped. It’s what I had
to do. I had to find my way through it. Especially for the sake of you and Chris.
He worked all night, came home, and slept during the day while I had to take care
of you two guys running around the house, trying to keep everything quiet for him.
It wasn’t the best of times. He and I barely saw each other. Breakfast, maybe. And
then before he left for work each night. But how many nights did I go to bed alone?
That was the deal. I coped.”

“Do you think that he had a girlfriend?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised.” She pauses again. “Sometimes I wonder if maybe there was
something wrong with your father’s head. I read somewhere once that people with brain
tumors act strange because of the pressure on their brains. Maybe his brain was being
affected before he died.”

She shrugs her shrug.

And I think, It’s a kind assessment, a generous—even forgiving—understanding of his
actions: The idea that something he could not control—something physiological—led
him to die in the bed of a woman who was not his wife.

But correct, it is not. The plain truth is that he had health issues and he had demons.

I say, “Kay Flaska told me something a few years ago. She said
she felt Dad always was of two worlds. He was smart and funny and sensitive and kind,
but there was a dark, melancholic side. She said, ‘I don’t think living in this world
was easy for your father.’ ”

My mother says, “Well, this world is all we have.”

She goes silent, and in that moment I see her anew. And I realize, Here I am—a son
who went looking for his father, and found his mother.

She lifts one hand from her lap and places it on the table before me, closed. A tight
fist. Her way of saying she wants to hold hands.

I reach out to her, put my hand over her fist.

Paper covers rock . . .

She flattens her hand against the tablecloth, then rolls it over. We are palm-to-palm.

We test our grasp, feel our grip.

We lock hands.

Impossible without Andrew Essex, Nan Graham, Bill Clegg, Chelsea Cardinal, Mark Hainey,
Barbara Dow Shields, Alessandra Stanley, Jim Nelson, John Hodges, Punch Hutton, Junno
Lee, Maximillian Potter, Daniel Burgess, Ted Heller, Iris Johnson, Nate Berkus, Andy
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Stephen Kong, Becca Kong, Meg Castaldo, James Wright, Richard Hugo, John Duffy, Rick
Meyer, Amanda Puck, Julie Duffy, Andrew Santella, Ren McKnight, Anthony Sunseri, Mark
Seliger, Lisa Kogan, Seamus Heaney, Laura Vitale, Ed Hirsch, Christopher Swetala,
Susan Morrison, David Remnick, Nora Ephron, Nick Pileggi, Nicholas Christopher, John
Bramsen, Norma Bramsen, Karen Kulzer, John Cundiff, James Hoge, Nancy Bonetti, Mark
Flashen, Graydon Carter, Peter Mezan, Fred Woodward, Aimée Bell, David Kamp, Kurt
Andersen, Bill Drennan, Susan Moldow, Kay Flaska, Paul Berning, Tom Moffett, Natty
Bumppo, Craig Klugman, James B. Strong, Rick Soll, Laura Wise, Rick Kogan, Juanita
Zink, Bess Kalb, Kate Lloyd, Wendy Sheanin, Elizabeth Gilbert, Nick Flynn, David Sheff,
Peter Orner, Lisa Hutcherson, Van Hutcherson, Pete Hunsinger, Roy Wiley, Anne-Marie
Colban, John Jeremiah Sullivan, Gabrielle Hamilton, J. R. Moehringer, Liz Farrell,
Jan Scott, Erica Crenshaw, Lynne Codjoe, Carol Ness, Jim Houck, Veneé Heimerl, Antonio
Sersale, Carla Sersale, Albert Camus, Nate Erickson, Linsey Fields, Anne-Marie Colban,
Andre Mellone, Andre Viana, Brian Sawyer, Lois Wille, Sheila Wolfe, E. J. Samson,
Jessica Glavin, Morgan Kondash, Si Newhouse. Most especially, Tim and Teresa Hess
and the Hess Family. Also, Wendy Hainey, Glenn Hainey, Eleanor Hainey, Beatrix Hainey,
Brooke Hainey, Estelle Hudak. Finally, Christopher Hainey and Barbara Coriden.

1
 My grandmother and me, outside her house.
October 1964.

2
 My father, mother, brother and me.
Christmas 1968.

3
 My father’s press pass.

4
 My parents on their wedding day.
May 6, 1961. Saint Turibius Church, Chicago.
PHOTOGRAPH BY RON BAILEY

5
 My brother and me in our alley with the Buick.
July 1970.

6
 My father and his brother, Dick Hainey, in the
Chicago Tribune
newsroom.
1958.

7
 My father, age eight, on the steps of his house.
McCook, Nebraska. 1942.

8
 
Christmas, 1968.

9
 
Christmas, 1968.

10
 My father, age four.
McCook, Nebraska, 1938.

11
 My mother and me.
October 1968.

12
 My mother, brother, and me.
Summer 1968.

Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint excerpts from the following
copyrighted material:

“Leaving on a Jet Plane”: Words and music by John Denver. Copyright © 1967; renewed
1995 BMG Ruby Songs and BMG Rights Management (Ireland), Ltd. All rights for BMG Ruby
Songs administered by BMG Rights Management (US) LLC. International copyright secured.
All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation.

“By The Time I Get to Phoenix”: Words and Music by Jimmy Webb © 1967 (Renewed 1995).
EMI SOSAHA MUSIC INC., JONATHAN TREE MUSIC, R2M MUSIC, and LASTRADA ENTERTAINMENT,
LTD. All rights for R2M Music administered by BMG Rights Management (US) LLC. All
rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission. Reprinted by
permission of Hal Leonard Corporation.

“(They Long to Be) Close to You”: Lyrics by Hal David. Music by Burt Bacharach. Copyright
© 1963 (renewed) Casa David and New Hidden Valley Music. International copyright secured.
All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation.

“One Less Bell to Answer”: Lyrics by Hal David. Music by Burt Bacharach. Copyright
© 1967 (renewed) Casa David and New Hidden Valley Music. International copyright secured.
All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation.

“Stones”: Written by Neil Diamond. Copyright © 1972 Prophet Music, Inc. All rights
administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, 8 Music Square West, Nashville, TN
37203. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

“If You Could Read My Mind”: Words and music by GORDON LIGHTFOOT. Copyright © 1969,
1970 (copyrights renewed) by EARLY MORNING MUSIC, a division of EMP LTD. All rights
reserved. Used by permission.

© MARK SELIGER

MICHAEL HAINEY
was born in Chicago and now lives in Manhattan. He is the deputy editor of
GQ.

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