After You'd Gone (6 page)

'Let's go to bed. ' He ran his hand up to her thigh and buried his head in her lap.

'Right. That's it. Get out. '

'No. Not before I've got what I came for.' He smiled wickedly. 'Do you know why I came here today?'

'No. Frankly I don't.'

'I came, ' he paused to kiss her left breast, 'to take away your virginity. '

I had both my hands clasped around the last banister and was swinging from side to side. I was not allowed to do this as it weakened the woodwork but my mother had a visitor and I was eavesdropping.

'My father was very musical,' she had her social voice on, 'and it was always my greatest wish that one of my girls would inherit his talent.'

'And they haven't?' the visitor enquired.

'I used to think Alice had. She plays the piano, but she is not particularly talented. She tries hard but her playing is average, really.'

I left the hall and walked through the kitchen. With my right hand I was testing the springiness of my little

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finger. It felt frail, britle. I could have broken it with one cruel flick.

It was as if a large bowl of warm liquid I had been carrying around inside me had sprung a leak. All that warmth was draining away. I was furious with myself for being so gullible and with my mother for planting such ideas in the first place only to dash them by idle chat with some tedious neighbour. It was almost dark outside but I tore around the garden in a rage, ripping leaves off plants until my hands were bleeding.

My grandmother happened to come into the bathroom with a pile of clean towels while I was bathing my hands in tepid water. She put down the towels on the side of the bath when she saw me and began stroking my hair, tucking loose strands behind my ears. 'Alice Raikes, why is it that you rail against life so?'

I said nothing. Bitter-tasting tears were rolling rapidly down my cheeks.

'Can you tell me what it is that's making you cry? Or would you rather not? Did something bad happen at school today?'

I looked up, so that my face and hers were framed by the mirror. 'I'm just so ugly and horrible,' I burst out, 'and I'm no good at anything. ' My sobs were beginning to choke me.

'Well, my dear, I have to say that I've seen you look ing better. '

I looked at my face and laughed. My eyes were swollen and bloodshot and my cheeks streaked with mud and the green ooze of leaves. My grandmother squeezed my shoulders with her powerful hands.

'Do you not know how bonny you are? Is it blonde curls

like your sisters that you want?' I hung my head. 'I see it is.' She turned me round to face her. 'Alice, I'll tell you a secret. In here,' she pressed her hand against my solar plexus, 'right here, you have a reservoir oflove and passion to give someone.

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You have such a huge capacity for love. Not everyone does, you know. '

I listened solemnly. She tapped me on the nose. 'Just you make sure you don't give it all away to the wrong man. ' She turned to pick up the towels. 'Now, away up to bed. You'll be worn out with all that crying.'

I didn't give up. I still went once a week to Mrs Beeson's flea-infested front room to be drilled in my scales and touch. Somehow my mother's proclamation released me. I stopped galloping through exams and played what I wanted. Mrs Beeson phoned my mother to report that I had lost my motivation and that I could be a 'nice wee player' if I tried a bit harder. But I had no interest in that any more.

Alice looked down at Mario's flushed and grinning face. She had already made up her mind that she was going to sleep with him at some point, but was convinced that it wouldn't be good for his already considerable ego for them to do it whenever he decided the time was right. Right now he had his hands inside her shirt and he was struggling with the clasp of her bra. She tried to get hold of his arms. They grappled.

'Mario, stop it. I am not going to sleep with you today. I mean it. '

He smacked his head with his palm and shouted, 'Then when? I have to sleep with you! I must!'

'I have to work. I've got this essay to write.'

He cast himself face down on the floor and began rolling about, groaning.

'I am going to sleep with you, ' Alice noticed that Mario was ·suddenly still, 'but not now.'

'OK. Just make it soon. I've got balls like watermelons.' She laughed and turned back to her books. After a while

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she realised Mario had gone to sleep. Later they went out to the party.

John took the stairs two at a time. Trust Alice to have an office on the top floor of a five-floor building. When he got there he could see through the glass door that the room was deserted, apart from Alice. She was sitting, straight-backed, with her hand on the telephone, as if she'd just finished a call. He strode in, slipped his arms around her shoulders and, lifting the heavy plait of hair, kissed her neck. 'I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch with me,' he whispered.

She felt stiff in his arms. Her profile was pale and set. 'What's wrong?'

She said nothing. He came around to crouch beside her and grasped her hand. 'Alice? What is it?'

She looked at him for the first time. Her pupils were so dilated that her eyes were almost black. He stroked her hand and kissed it. 'Tell me.'

She dug her nails hard into the back of his hand, gathering strength to speak. 'My grandmother has died.'

He put his arms around her. 'Alice, I'm so sorry,' and he held her as the first tears splashed on to her desk.

Alice had forbidden John to take up the invitation that she knew her mother would issue after the funeral.

'But I want to see the house where you grew up,' he had protested.

'Tough,' she'd said grimly.

So when Ann pressed John to come back to the house he knew to make the excuse that they had to get back to their B&B. But Alice's precautions hadn't prevented her mother from buttonholing her in the crematorium toilet. 'John seems very nice.'

'Yes. He is.'

'Have you been seeing him long?' 'A couple _of months.'

'Where's he from?' 'London.'

'I mean originally.'

'Originally? What do you mean, originally? He was born in London. '

'He could be Italian or Greek or something. He's so dark.'

'Dark?'

'In colouring.'

'Well, so am I, in case you hadn't noticed.' 'Is he Jewish?'

Alice exploded, 'What the hell has that got to do with anything?'

'So he is,' Ann said calmly.

'Yeah, he is. Do you have a problem with that? You are so hypocritical sometimes. You call yourself a Christian, putting on that ridiculous performance in there when you know Granny didn't even believe. Aren't Christians supposed to be tolerant and love thy neighbour?'

'Alice, there is no need to fly off the handle. was merely asking.'

Another woman came into the toilets and went into a cubicle. Alice washed her hands in the scalding water and her mother handed her a paper towel.

'I'm just worried that it may cause you problems, that's all.' 'What do you mean?' Alice hissed. 'What problems? There are no problems. You're the one making problems.' 'Do his parents know about the relationship?'

Alice made a fatal hesitation. 'His mother's dead, for your information. '

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Ann rolled her eyes. 'Does his father know, then?' Alice was silent.

'Has he told his father he's seeing a Christian?' 'I'm not a bloody Christian!'

'Alice! Don't swear in here!' Ann turned round to see if the other woman might have heard. 'A Gentile, then,' she whispered.

'No. He hasn't.'

Ann pushed her face close to the mirror to check her make-up. 'I see.'

Alice was sullen, defiant, her mouth drawn into a tense line. Ann sighed and, in an unaccustomed gesture, clutched her daughter's hand. 'Alice, I'm not getting at you. You can see who you like, as far as I'm concerned. You should know that by now. I just can't bear to see you letting passion impair your judgement. Don't ever let all this being in love stuff obscure your sense of self-preservation.'

'What
are
you talking about?'

'I just don't want . . . I don't want you to get hurt.' 'I'm not going to get hurt. John's not like that.'

'You don't know that. Men don't have the decisiveness of women. And Judaism is notorious for putting pressure on men not to marry out.' Ann wanted to impress this on Alice but didn't know how to do it without angering her further. 'Notorious,' she repeated lamely. 'Ask anyone.'

'What would you know about that?' Alice scoffed. 'And, anyway, I've only been with him for two months. We're not planning to get married or anything.'

Beth came through the door. 'Who's getting married? Not you, Alice?'

'Oh, my God,' Alice clutched her head dramatically, 'no,

I'm not getting married.'

'John is Jewish,' Ann told Beth with emphasis.

'So?' Beth was nonplussed.

'There!' said Alice. 'You see? Not everyone reacts like you.'

Beth looked from her sister to her mother and linked her

arms through theirs. 'Come on. This isn't the time to argue about this.'

They went out through the doors. John was standing with

Ben, Kirsty and Neil.

'John, I've been trying to convince Alice to come back to the house and she's being very stubborn. You will come, won't you?' Ann pressed John's arm.

'It's called the Law,' Alice said.

'The Law? That's a funny name.'

'Sometimes it's known as Berwick Law. It's a volcanic plug, one of three, the other two are Arthur's Seat and the Bass Rock. They're all made of the same volcanic rock.'

'Hey, I've heard of the Bass Rock.'

'It's very famous. There's a large gannet colony there. ' 'Can you see it from here?'

'Usually you can see it easily, but today it's a bit misty.'

They strained their eyes and she pointed out to John the outline of a craggy column of rock that reared up out of the sea.

'Is the white stuff rock or bird shit?'

She gave a short laugh. 'I don't know. Probably shit, I think. In the summer you can get a boat out there from the harbour.' She swivelled round forty-five degrees. 'That's my school.'

John looked down at the grey and brown buildings clus tered at the bottom of the Law, the large white Hs of rugby posts staked into the neighbouring field. 'It's tiny!'

She laughed. 'Do you think so? Well, it's hardly a North London comp. There are about six hundred pupils, I think, not all from North Berwick. The people from other towns

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and villages near here send their kids here too. That smaller building is the primary and the larger is the secondary. '

'Did you go to the primary school as well?' 'Oh, yes, and Beth and Kirsty.'

They carried on slowly up the grassy slope, Alice clutching the um containing Elspeth's ashes. Seagulls swung on invisible trapezes in the foggy, salty air. Ben had agreed quite readily to Alice's proposal of scattering them on the Law. Ann had been less inclined to believe that Elspeth had told Alice that was her wish and was more in favour of fertilising a rosebush with them. But, for once, Ben had asserted that if that was what his mother had wanted then that is what she should have. The sisters had been surprised. John had chosen that moment to converse with an elderly and, as he rapidly found out, deaf friend of Elspeth's in another corner of the room.

'OK. Here's a good place,' she said and stopped. She handed him the lid and peered for the first time into the um. John watched her face.

'It looks just like sand,' she said flatly, not really knowing what she expected. She pushed in her hand.

He felt in his pockets for the small trowel that the undertaker had given them. 'Here. You can use this.'

'No,' Alice said fiercely, steeling herself.

The wind was strong so she didn't have to throw it, as she had feared. She just loosened her fingers and the breeze snatched it away.