Against All Odds (18 page)

I’m flooded with guilt over my feelings for Gray. For the past, the men, the games. It was wrong, and it eats me alive. For this moment though, I push it away. I want him to know I’d give everything up for him. That I love him through his faults, through the good and bad. No matter what.

“Believe in us again,” I plead, my heart in every word. “I need you to believe in
us
. Believe in what
we
had. It’s still there. Give us a chance, Cooper. Let’s take the time to fix things.” I stare into his eyes and gently kiss the corners of his mouth. “I love you,” I repeat, beseeching him.

I see the pain that seeps from him. All the torture he feels etched in every pore. It oozes off of him, hitting my chest, but I hold still and hold him tight. I silently let him know I’m here. Every fiber of my being is where it wants to be.

“Kylie,” he whispers, cupping my cheek.

That’s all he says as we take each other in. I can tell that a lot is going on in his head. He doesn’t have to talk to tell me there are layers and layers to our situation, to us.

After a minute, he clears his throat and sighs. I notice his posture shifting and the energy in the room becomes strained. I don’t want the moment between us to end, but I feel him retreat. I’m starting to panic when a
tap, tap, tap
at the door gets my attention. He swallows, his shoulders stiffening.

A sickeningly sweet lilt sweeps through the air, stifling it. “Hey, Coop, are you in there?”

He lets me go and moves across the room to his desk. “Yeah, Layla.” A flash of sadness sweeps his face as he stands behind his chair. “I’m here. Come on in.”

I move away from the door, and it slowly opens. She peeks in and sees me first. She looks surprised but quickly wipes the look off her face and gives me a fake smile. “Oh, hi, Kylie. I’m surprised to see you in here. Was there something you needed?”

The question gets my attention and pisses me off. The fact that this whore can stand here, asking if there’s something
I need
in
my
husband’s office almost sends me nuclear. I try to tame my anger so I don’t make a scene. I don’t want to ruin the progress I’ve just made with Cooper, but jealousy is consuming me. I inhale a laborious breath and whip my heated eyes to Cooper’s. I hope he sees how close I am to snapping this bitch’s neck.

His eyes lock on mine, and he sees it
all.
“What can I do for you, Layla?” His tone is anxious.

She looks at him and steps into the room. I want to throw up. She’s absolutely stunning: auburn hair, green eyes, tall, voluptuous, with tits for days. Her tanned skin looks fantastic against her low-cut white blouse. She has on a tight skirt and nude pumps that make her look like a model. She’s everything that a man would want, and the awareness that she wants
my
husband steamrolls over me.

“Nothing, Coop.” She smiles, hiding her bitchiness under a disgusting layer of sweetness. “I just wanted to see if you were ready to leave for dinner. It’s five o’clock, and our reservation is set.”

I look at Cooper, then at her, and cringe. They have plans tonight.
Fuck.

All the progress we’ve made evaporates. Devastation, jealousy, distress, and rage convulse in me. I need to get out of here before I say or do something that will hurt us all. The reality of how far apart Cooper and I are, and how hard it is to make any progress pulls me under. I feel as if I’m drowning.

“I’m almost ready. Give me ten minutes,” is his clipped reply.

She turns to me, a scornful smile cresting her lips and a malicious gleam in her eyes. “It’s nice seeing you again, Kylie. You’ve been gone a while.
A long
while.” With that, she leaves, shutting the door behind her.

I stand completely still, trying to get my emotions under control. I’m ready to erupt. The ache that had dissipated while I was in Cooper’s arms comes back forcefully.

How deep does his relationship with her go?

Are there feelings involved?

Do I even want to know?

No, I don’t. Knowing would take the fight right out of me. Denial is best. My skin crawls, and my insides, already burning, blister with rage. Unaware that he’s moved across the room, I startle at the feel of his hand on my shoulder. I tremble as I try to restrain myself from lashing out.
Breathe. Keep calm.

“We’ll schedule dinner, Kylie,” he whispers, his voice cracking. “We’ll talk, I promise.”

My stomach sinks. All the hope I’d felt is dashed. We’ve become a couple who schedules dinner, who barely talks, and never makes love. We’ve become toxic and deadly to each other.

A thought hits me so fast that I feel my body jolt.

Maybe we can’t make it.

An unwilling sob claws its way up my throat. My shoulders sag in defeat. My worst nightmare is playing out in my thoughts. I feel as if I want to die. The hope I felt minutes ago is nowhere to be seen. It’s the same feeling I had when I held Kayla only to have her ripped away. The universe is playing tricks with my heart, and I can’t take it anymore. I want to give up. I feel my will to live trickle away. What’s a life without Cooper and Kayla? Nothing.

I feel lifeless, miserable, and raw.

“Kylie, don’t do this. We’ll have dinner, okay? We’ll figure this out. You’re coming home tonight, right?” he asks gently.

Do I want to come home?
I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I want to. God, I’m irrational. Why am I always like this? Our marriage is still open. She’s not off limits. Just because I’m sex-free and waiting doesn’t mean he has to be.

“Yeah, I’ll be home,” I mumble.

“Look at me, Kylie,” he says.

If I look at him, I’ll die. My heart will crumble, and I won’t make it out of his office. I can’t do it. The pain is unbearable. When I leave here, he’s with her. The thought of him with her, while I’m pining away for him makes me sick.

It destroys me.

“Please, Ky. I need you to look at me. Don’t do this. Don’t play fucking games with me. I need you to look at me now.”

Just do it. Suck it up.

I turn around and look at him with tears in my eyes and distress smeared across my features like paint on a canvas. My body seeps anguish I can’t hide. I can never hide my heart. My feelings are always written on every seam of my face, every angle of my form. My distress penetrates the air around me, pulling him into my suffering, entangling and entrapping him within the storm that rages in me. I’m broken without him, and I’ve been without him for so long that I’ve lost pieces of myself along the way. The jar that holds the last of my heart is about to shatter until nothing is left but shards of the woman I used to be.

“I can’t take this anymore,” I whisper, my voice broken. “We need to talk about
us
over dinner.”

I can’t give a voice to my thoughts. If nothing changes between now and then, our marriage can’t go on. He’s killing me, and I’m killing him. Together, we’re a car wreck heading straight for a cliff. A cliff that spans a mountain. We are on our way to certain emotional death, and this ride’s something I don’t want to be a part of anymore. I want off.

His eyes pierce mine, and I know he knows what I’m thinking. He looks stunned, and for a split second, I see fear. Cold, fucking fear. He sees everything I need him to see and more. I hope he gets it. I hope he understands that this might be the end of our road. We need to have something to work for, or we have nothing. I love him, but this love hurts. It hurts in a way I would’ve never dreamed it could.

As I turn to leave, gripping the doorknob, I speak my parting thoughts. “I love you, Cooper. Always. But love shouldn’t fuck us up like this. Love shouldn’t incinerate our souls, suck us dry, or kill us. Love shouldn’t feel like work. And
this
… this is work. As much as my body screams for you, my heart is dying. There are moments when I wish I could flip a switch and feel nothing. I would give anything to feel numb, because this constant ache within the center of my chest is killing me. It’s taking everything I was and leeching me dry. You have to choose to try, or we’re not going to work. And if we can’t work, I’m not sure I have it in me to live without you.”

Two days later…

I’m on the sofa and nestled under a fluffy throw as Johnny Depp graces the screen. A pint of Double Chocolate Chunk ice cream’s settled in my lap, and I’m mindlessly eating large scoops while watching TV. I left Coop’s office two days ago and came back to Gray’s house.

I couldn’t go home. I didn’t have it in me.

I had to formulate a plan. When Gray sent me a text saying he would be out of town for a couple days, I felt relief. He told me not expect him until Friday, so I had time away from him and time to think of how to deal with Cooper. I messaged Cali and told her I needed a personal break. She understood and granted my request grudgingly.

So here I am, miserable and unable to move. Yeah, I’m wallowing in self-pity. I need to go home soon. I can’t stay here forever. As soon as Gray walks through that door, I’m out. With everything that’s going on with Cooper, I can’t afford to have feelings for Gray. That could be detrimental to
all
of us.

I shovel more ice cream into my mouth, trying to drown the hurt with chocolate. After the pint is finished, I decide to get some water. My mouth is so full of sugar it’s actually dry and sticky. Sighing, I get up and grimace. I’m a mess. My hair is thrown up in a messy bun because I didn’t care enough to wash it, and all I’m wearing is my black polka dot bra and thong. No T-shirt, no makeup, and no shoes. I’m a disaster.

In the kitchen, I grab a glass and fill it with water. The warmth from the setting sun beaming through the window pulls my attention to Gray’s backyard. I take a minute to watch the sun begin its descent for the day. It’s beautiful and peaceful. Maybe I should go sit outside and watch it.
Then you’d have to get dressed.
God knows I don’t feel like getting dressed. That would require making an effort. So I just stand there watching the sun dance with the clouds, enjoying the majestic beauty of it.

After several minutes, I spin around to head back, but a moving shadow startles me. A shriek tears from my throat. I grasp the glass and bring a hand to my chest in an effort to calm the heart that’s leapt out of my body. “What the hell, Gray? You scared the ever loving shit right out of me. Stop doing that.”

“What are you doing, sweet cheeks?” There’s a huskiness to his voice.

“I was getting some water. What are you doing back?”

“I got done early, and this
is
my home.” He drags his gaze to my breasts.

“Seriously, Gray, you scared me. Next time just say something, please.” I stare at him, waiting for a response.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, but what are you wearing, Kylie?” He seems to be struggling to keep himself planted where he is. He keeps swallowing, and his eyes have a lusty swirl in them. He looks turned on, which leaves me unnerved.

“I didn’t think you were coming back until Friday. I’m having a bad week, so I was vegging out… relaxing.” I’m embarrassed to say I veg out in nothing but underwear, stuffing my face with chocolate. I’m sure the trail of candy wrappers and ice cream containers don’t paint a pretty picture. “Let me get some clothes on.”

Gray stands directly in my way. His hand comes up to my waist, pulling me gently against his chest. I swallow hard and glance up, desperate to figure a way out of his arms. My chest rises and falls furiously as the feel of his palms splayed across my bare back sends me barreling into dangerous territory. His eyes heat, and I get lost in his seductive gaze. He’s absolutely mouthwatering. My breath falters when the slide of his hand makes tingles burst down my body.

God…

His skin sweeping across mine feels amazing and makes my body hum. But as good as this feels, I can’t accept it. I’d like to, but I need to remove myself now, before it turns into something it can never be. “Please, let me go. Let me get some clothes. We can’t do this, Gray. I’m sorry.”

A flash of hurt darts across his face, but it’s quickly taken over by understanding. He knows my heart is Cooper’s until he throws it away. I don’t want to hurt Gray, but I need my husband. I’ve spent so long hurting him, and I don’t want to do it anymore.