Against the Tide (5 page)

“Damien …”

“Lots of sun, we need a holiday together, now is as good a time as any.” He talks fast, more to himself than me, as he opens my drawers, taking out swimwear to pack in the case.

“Damien,” I shout. “Will you tell me what the fuck is going on here?”

He stops what he’s doing and sits down on the corner of the bed with a sigh. “I fucked up, Meg,” he whispers.

“What do you mean, you fucked up?” I perch next to him carefully as to not stop him from continuing.

“Something happened...”

“What do you mean, something happened?” My heart starts to beat wildly as all kinds of scenarios fly through my mind.

“There was a girl,” he says flatly, staring at the carpet.

“Damien, you’re talking in riddles now. What girl?” Shit, something happened while I was with that guy, the guy whose name I still don’t even know. I’m such a whore.

“I gave her some pills. Well, I sold them to her.” He speaks so quietly I can hardly hear him.

“Oh, shit.”

“How was I supposed to know they were fucking dodgy?” He throws his hands up and straightens his back.

“Is she … Okay?” Shit. I always knew something would catch up with him. With us. I fucking knew it.

“I don’t know,” he answers in a small voice. “But, Megan,” he turns toward me and takes my hands in his, “The old bill are gonna be all over it, which means I’m up to my neck in it if they find out. I was discreet, of course I was, but if anyone talks, they’ll know I was talking to her and want to call me in. I can’t risk it. I’m not sure how much damage limitation I can pull with this. ”

“Why? I bet she talked to loads of guys this evening. It’s a nightclub, she could have gotten them from anywhere, or anyone.”

“I slipped up, Meg. I need to get out of here. Just for a few weeks until we know how the land lays. Once she’s recovered, it’ll die down and we can come back.”

“Oh no. Don’t think for one minute I’m going to drop everything and … go on the run with you?” I choke out a laugh. “I have a job, don’t forget.”

“In one day I can earn what you earn in a month, Megs. What you earn is fag money,” he answers arrogantly and instantly I see a veil of red.

“You fucking bastard,” I roar at him. I bring my hand back and slap him as hard as I can. His head flies to the side and it stings my palm like a motherfucker. “I have a life, Damien. You fucked up on a deal. Not a business deal. Not a legit transaction. A drug deal. You sold some poor girl shit drugs. Well, do you know what? You deserve it, you deserve to come unstuck. It’s just a shame you didn’t take one of those pills, which would do us all a favour. You can keep your exotic holidays and your diamond studded Rolex. I don’t want them, and I don’t want you. You wanna run like the coward you are? You’re on your own.” I scrabble to unclip the watch from my wrist and hurl it at him before I turn and storm away, running down the stairs and grabbing my bag. I slip on a pair of trainers, and just like that, I leave him to sort out his own mess.

It might be July, but at four in the morning, the wind coming off the beach is cold. I tuck my knees in to my chest and rest my chin on them, shivering with the shock of everything that’s happened. Sitting under the pier keeps me out of sight from passers-by, but I have the view of the whole ocean which looks inky black under the moonlight. The tide sees my tears but continues to push forward and pull back, and as the waves lap the shore I question just when it was that my life felt so worthless. A whole mixture of emotions swirl around in my head. That girl, that poor girl, whoever she is, is in hospital because of Damien. We don’t even know if she’s going to be alright, and all because of my stupid boyfriend. This is how Damien affords to buy me expensive jewellery and exotic holidays, I’m spoiled at the cost of someone’s wellbeing. When did I become the drug dealer’s girl and leave behind my own identity, my own integrity? Sure, I have my job, which feels like it’s the last piece of me that I’m hanging on to. Who am I without him? When did we become so different? If there was a way back would I want to take it?

Then I think of the guy.
That
guy. And I’m wracked with guilt. I cheated. I should never have followed him out. I should have told him to stop. But I couldn’t. I wanted him, more than I can explain, more than I can understand. I never realised I had lost all respect for Damien as well as myself. But the simplicity of it is that I would never have done it if I was happy. I haven’t been truly happy in a long time, but I’ve just papered over the cracks in the hope of forgetting that they’re there. Does a one night stand make me a slut? I’ve never had a one night stand before, let alone when I’m supposed to be committed to someone else. So to do it while I’m in a relationship, and with a total stranger in a back alley, I’m ashamed.

But do you know the worst thing? I would do it again in a heartbeat. Because I couldn’t have stopped it. With him, I couldn’t have said no.

Where do I go from here? I have no idea what mess I’m going to find when I get home. Maybe the girl is okay and has talked to the police and Damien has already been arrested. Maybe he’s already left without me. Maybe he’s waiting for me to come home. Either way, I can’t sit here forever. The sun starts to peek over the horizon and the whole world takes on a different perspective as the light hits the water. You can’t hide in the daylight, and what would that solve anyway? Time to go home and face the music.

I prop my leg against the wall outside the hospital and mindlessly spark up another cigarette. I try to focus on what I need to do next. But I can’t. It’s just a blur. A blur of thoughts, feelings and conversations that I had with Lizzie over the last few days. I should have bought her a drink, maybe then she wouldn’t have taken illegal drugs. Did she do it to get back at me for not buying her a drink? Damn, I should have let her grow up, shouldn’t have tried to protect her because now, I’ll never be able to protect her from anything ever again. Never. That’s it. It’s over.

“I think we need to go home, man,” Harley says quietly beside me. I had forgotten that he was there. I had forgotten that anyone else had existed.

“I don’t want to leave her,” I whisper. Once I leave here and face the rest of the world, that means it’s real.

“Oh shit,” he mumbles. “Finn?”

“Yeah.”

“I think,” he takes a breath, “We’re gonna need to tell your mum.”

And just like that, I break.

Body wracking sobs tear through my chest and the pain and realisation of losing one of the only two people that have ever really mattered to me, pierces every part of my soul. I know having to say it out loud, to actually admit that it’s true, is going to kill me as much as it will for my mum to hear it. Harley wraps his arms around my shoulders and I cry into his chest. I’m not too macho for this. I don’t care that Marc and Kyle are looking on. I need his comfort. I need his strength. Because I’m not sure I’m strong enough to get through this on my own.

“I can’t tell her yet, I’m not ready. How can I tell her that her only daughter is … I can’t do it, Harley,” I plead with him.

“I know. I’ll be there with you, okay? She needs to know, Finn …”

I nod and break away from him, wiping my cheeks with my sleeve. He’s like a brother to me, always there, always got my back. I know I have to tell her. I don’t want to do it but I have to.

We all grab a cab as it pulls up to the hospital dropping someone off. I get in, not taking much notice of the driver or where Harley instructs him to take us. The atmosphere is more than sombre. It’s a heavy thick tar, coating my veins and slowing the blood from pumping through my body. My heart wants to give up and stop beating, my head wants to shut down and not think. The silence in that confined space makes for a tension that starts to coil inside me and as we ride through the town and past the clubs that are kicking out the last of their patrons, I feel anxiety whooshing around in my stomach. We turn along the seafront and past the pier. Lizzie loved the pier. I used to take her there on payday and treat her to a ride on the rollercoaster right on the end. She would scream in excitement as the carriage tilted and swung over the edge.

“Stop!” I shout desperately to the driver, banging on the Perspex between us. He looks at me worriedly in the rear view mirror as I clutch at my chest. My heart pounds like a thousand galloping horses, but it’s hard to breathe, I can’t get any air.

“Finn?” Harley asks, but his voice sounds distant.

“Stop. I need to get out,” I plead through ragged breaths. It’s just after five in the morning so there’s no one around other than the diehard party people just starting to make their way home.

The taxi driver stops immediately and I grapple with the handle and burst out of the door. I stand at the curb and brace myself with my hands on my knees. I’m breathless and my mind is spinning. There’s too much to process. I need quiet. I need to be alone.

“Finn, mate?” Harley calls from the open door of the taxi.

“Just leave me.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He has a word with the cabbie and starts to get out.

“I said, leave me!” I yell, holding up my hand to stop him. “I just need to be on my own. Please.” I sigh heavily feeling the weight of a thousand tonnes pushing on my shoulders. “I’m not going to do anything stupid. I just … I want some time. Before I have to see my mum.”

“Okay, but you call if you need me, okay? Any one of us.” He gestures to Marc and Kyle. “We’re all here for you.” I nod, feeling my lips tighten as I push hard at the grief that is threatening to drown me. “You’ve got your mobile?” I answer with a curt nod, while concentrating on taking my next breath, “Okay … Finn?”

“Yeah,” I pant hoarsely.

“You’re not on your own, okay?” Harley gets back in the taxi and it pulls off along the empty street. I watch until it’s out of sight. I have no idea where I want to go or even where I want to be. I feel helpless, heartbroken and insignificant in this world. I walk aimlessly with no direction in mind but it doesn’t matter. What is my purpose now? Everything I did up until now revolved around what was best for Lizzie. She was my reason for being strong. I find myself walking along the stony beach, breathing in the salty air of the tide that’s being taken away from the shore and I stop when I get to the pier. A place that holds such bittersweet memories of my baby sister. I yell and scream at the top of my voice, using every breath to convey my anger at the world. The anger and shame I feel toward myself. I was selfish. So selfish. I should never have been in that alley with
her
. She felt so perfect. So right. Yet everything about it was wrong. I pick up one of the bigger stones beneath my feet and hurl it in to the water. Another follows, bouncing off the steel girders that hold up the pier before plunging to the water below. I try to extinguish my grief, my guilt, by pushing the anger out through my body. Each stone representing a different thought. Each stone only serving to remind me of how many wrongdoings I’m really guilty of. Each stone falls to the fate of the ocean, much like my emotions, being dragged out and pushed back to the shore. Battered and pummelled, a test of strength. I’m fighting against the tide, unsure if I’m strong enough to stay afloat. My legs buckle underneath me as I let everything out and collapse on to my knees in a heap of emotional exhaustion. I stay there until the sun comes up and I’ve cried out every last tear in my body. I’ve never cried so hard. Never had reason to. Now I feel hollow, and there’s a heavy draw in the pit of my stomach knowing that I need to go and see my mum. Before I stand, I pick up a stone. It’s small and white. The only white stone in a thousand grey ones. It just sits in the palm of my hand, smooth and cold, a survivor of the ocean. It’s one that I don’t want to throw, so I slip it in to my pocket and trudge up the beach on weary legs.

My feet lead the way along the seafront and just out of the town centre to my mum’s house. I stand at the front door and think back to a year ago, when this house was full of laughter. My mum was a ball of energy and enthusiasm, in fact, Lizzie was her double. They were the kind of people that are hard not to like. It was impossible not to be in love with them instantly. Despite the crap that Mum put up with from my dad in her life, and then the hardships that went with being a single parent, there was not one day she revealed that it got her down. She’s the strongest person I know …
was
the strongest person I know. She has a brain tumour, a rare aggressive form of cancer that has taken her from a warm, fun loving vibrant person to a pale, withdrawn shell. She’s been given six months to live and I’m not sure if the news I’m about to deliver will help her achieve that prognosis. I slowly place my key in the door and turn it with dread churning in my gut.