Agatha Parrot and the Mushroom Boy (2 page)

B
efore we start, have you got a big brother? If you do then you're going to
LOVE
this book.
Even if you don't have one, I bet you'll be nodding as you read it saying to yourself, ‘Well done Agatha,
wahoo!
Go for it girl . . .' especially right at the end when James gets turned into a mushroom. Oh, sorry about that, that's supposed to be the surprise ending. You'll have to forget the mushroom bit now until you get to it.

(Gosh, I just had a thought – you might actually be a big brother
yourself. But if you are I bet you're really cool and always offer your sweets round and never hog the computer to play stupid video games. So this book isn't at all about you! I promise promise promise it isn't, so keep reading.)

Anyway, my name is Agatha Jane Parrot and thanks for reading this book! As you might have guessed
I HAVE
got a big brother who's called James. He gets called
some other things too but the old bloke who is typing this story out for me says we're not allowed to put words like that in a book or you wouldn't be allowed to read it
ha ha!

It's very hard to think of anything good about having a big brother, and if you don't believe me then ask the QUEEN. If she had a big brother then she wouldn't be queen, because he would get to be
king instead, even if she was really nice and he was totally horrible. The big brother king could choose which bedroom he wanted in the palace and he'd get all the best jobs like launching ships and going to see brand new films. Even at dinner time they'd never take turns as to who gets the sauce first, it would always be him.

I bet the Queen would be desperate to turn her big brother
into a mushroom because then he'd be King Mushroom the First
ha ha!
(Sorry, I didn't mean to remind you about the mushroom bit so you'll just have to forget it again.)

Of course nobody minds having LITTLE brothers. My friend Ellie Slippin at number 9 has two twin ones and they're dead funny because like all little kids their heads are a bit too big for their bodies so when they run they can't do corners very fast and they end up banging into the wall
BAM!
Later on in the story there's a bit where the twins both bang their heads on a bucket which is dead funny too but we
haven't got there yet.

Unfortunately for me, James isn't the little funny type of brother, he's the big smelly evil type. Just to prove it, here's a list of evil things he did last week with marks out of ten for evilnessity:

MONDAY: He came in from football all muddy and then sat on
MY
bed and then Mum blamed
ME
for it (6/10).

TUESDAY: He grabbed my
packet of crisps and scrunched them up into mush before I could eat them (4/10).

WEDNESDAY: When we were getting ready to go to school he stood outside the bathroom and twiddled the door handle all the time when I was inside which put me off doing anything and I ended up having to go out of class in the middle of quiet reading time and Ivy Malting who sits next to me held her breath all
the time I was away which made everybody laugh when I came back because she was blue in the cheeks and rolling about which I admit was pretty funny so we love Ivy
WAHOO GO IVY
but we do NOT love James (9/10).

THURSDAY: He spent all day just generally being a boy (2/10). (Actually he does this every day, but I know he can't help it so I only gave him 2/10.)

FRIDAY: He finished off the lemonade without asking, and then he did a big burp right in my face (7/10).

Of course this is the sort of thing that everybody with a big brother has to put up with, but when it got to Saturday James did his most evil crime
EVER
. (It has to score 11/10 at least.)

Before you look at the next chapter to read about it, don't forget that you
have to forget about James getting turned into a mushroom or it'll ruin the end for you. Have you forgotten it? Not thinking about boys being turned into mushrooms? No? Good. Off we go then . . .

F
or me, seven o'clock on Saturday evenings can only mean one thing . . .

Sing, Wiggle and Shine!

It is absolutely the second best programme on the telly.

Of course I never get to watch
the
FIRST BEST
programme because that's
Celebrities at the Dentist
and Mum always comes in and says, ‘I will NOT have you watching that rubbish,' then she turns it off and sends me upstairs and THEN she puts it straight back on and curls up watching it with a box of chocolates.

Oh well. When I'm a mum I'm not going to have kids. I'm going to get on with my own life and not go bothering other people just because
they're younger than me.

Sing, Wiggle and Shine
is for unfamous people who want to be
famous. I'd watched every show in the series for the whole 26 weeks and at last –
da-daddle-ah-da-da-daaaah
– they'd got to the final! Along the way they'd kicked off about 200 losers including the bloke with the rabbit ears who hopped around singing
Carrots Are a Bunny's Best Friend,
oh he was just so brilliant I wish they'd do t-shirts of him.

Anyway, there I was sitting on the sofa and the last three people
had just finished singing, wiggling and shining. I really wanted Sophie to win because Lauren had stupid earrings and Darren had his hairy chest showing which is hardly suitable for family viewing is it? It looked like he had a doormat stuffed up his shirt.
Yuk
. And anyway I felt sorry for Sophie because her shoe flew off in the dancing bit and then she forgot her words, and then she cried when she told everybody how
poorly her hamster was so COME ON SOPHIE.
Eeeek
. . . it was all too exciting!

The judges had got together in their very last judges' huddle. That's when they all put their heads together and whisper so it's a good job my friend Ellie's not a judge as she's always got nits and they'd all end up scratching
ha ha!

‘And now we come to the big exciting moment!' said Grin Sickly.
He's the presenter whose hair looks like a mouldy cycle helmet. Oh gosh I was so wound up I was biting the sofa cushion. ‘Tonight's winner will become a huge international star! And to tell us who it is, will you please welcome last year's winner . . .'

BIG APPLAUSE.

‘Oh, sorry. He'll be here in a minute, he's still locking his bike and changing out of his overalls.'

CLICK!
That's when the telly
switched channel.

Evil big brother James had sneaked into the living room, grabbed the remote control and then plonked himself in the armchair.

‘Turn that back!' I shouted.

‘No way,' he said. ‘The football's on in five minutes.'

‘But they're just about to announce the winner.'

‘Tough. You've been watching for ages. My turn.'

Before I knew it, I'd thrown myself at James to get the remote off him but
YUK
he shoved it under his bottom and sat on it. I tried to drag him off the chair, but he was grabbing on to the arms too tightly.

‘Please James, turn it back.
PLEASE!
'

‘No way,' said James. ‘It's the adverts. Football's on straight after the adverts. Besides I like the adverts.'

You see what I mean about big
brothers? Evil evil evil. And selfish. The only chance I had was to run into the kitchen to get Dad. He was baking one of his monster cakes for our school fete
Guess the Weight of the Cake
competition. There was a big baking tin full of sloppy cake mix in the middle of the table, and he was at the sink washing out the mixing bowl.

‘Don't tell me,' said Dad. ‘I know, I heard.'

‘Then make him give the remote back,' I said.

‘James!' Dad shouted. ‘Let her see the results, then you can turn it back.'

I could hear the TV saying what fun it is to have car insurance.

‘He's not turning it over Dad,' I said. ‘It'll be too late now.'

‘JAMES. Turn it over.'

But the TV just went on to talk about a sort of shampoo that makes
men give flowers to ladies.

‘JAMES,'
shouted Dad. ‘You can watch football in two minutes IF Agatha can watch her programme
NOW
. Otherwise I'll empty my ELECTRIC SHAVER out all over your pillow and you'll scratch yourself to DEATH in your sleep tonight.
And I mean it.'