Agnes Owens (44 page)

‘You have a job?' She sounded surprised.

‘Damn right I have. The minute I left you I got lucky.'

‘I thought you didn't believe in work. That's one of the reasons we split.'

‘I decided I needed exercise and fresh air so am now a postman.' As I said this it occurred to me I should have kept my mouth shut.

‘That's marvellous!' she said with a big smile and at that moment I wouldn't have minded a night in the sack with her. It was a passing thought. I didn't want to go through the hell of loving her again, but we stared at each other for much longer than was necessary until I said, ‘I'm sorry I can't help you with your troubles, honey. Believe me, I would if I could.'

Her smile became fixed. She said, ‘It's alright, I'll just have to give Tony what he wants.'

Then I looked at my ex-wife from her long shiny auburn hair down to her neat little feet with pearl-encrusted shoes and said impulsively, ‘I won't let him near you.'

‘What do you mean?'

‘What I say.'

A look of annoyance crossed her face. ‘You couldn't stop him. Look at you!'

I knew what she meant. I've always considered myself a sorry specimen, but I grinned and said, ‘I could always get a gun.'

Then I wished I had bitten my tongue out instead. What was I letting myself in for? Her voice softened. She said, ‘I know you mean well but you couldn't tackle him on your own. You don't know him like I do.'

I thought that was true. Who the hell wanted to know him anyway? In this soft husky voice she went on, ‘If I could pay him off he would have no excuse to move in with me which is what I'm most afraid of. Can you imagine it?'

I couldn't, and we were both silent as if she was waiting for me to speak. I began nervously scratching my head, then heard myself say, ‘Maybe I could get a bank loan.'

‘You could?' she said, her eyes wide and interested.

‘Well, I work in the Post Office. You can always get a loan if you're working.'

‘You're right!' she said, still staring as if she saw me in a new light. By now I regretted my words but it was too late to unsay them.

‘I'll pay you back,' she said, ‘with interest.'

‘How about a kiss to be going on with?'

She backed off, said, ‘Don't complicate things, I'm in enough trouble.'

‘Sorry,' I said, sheepishly, wondering why I was apologising when doing her a favour. I reminded myself that I could change my mind.

‘When will you get the money?'

‘Friday at the latest.' My lips were saying different things to what was happening in my head.

‘No sooner?'

‘I'm sorry but I don't get paid until Thursday, so Friday's the soonest,' I said, trying not to sound sarcastic.

‘That's alright,' she said quickly. ‘It just means I'll have to go into hiding or Tony will be on to me before you can say Jack the Ripper. Friday will be fine.'

On Thursday after I was paid I went to the bank and borrowed two thousand, one for her and one for me. It struck me I could have borrowed more, but let it go. I decided to take Alice out for a meal to celebrate the occasion. She declined the offer, saying, ‘We can't be seen together, somebody might tell Tony.'

‘You said you'd be alright if you gave him the money.'

‘He doesn't like me being with other men, no matter what,' she said.

I gave her the cheque for one thousand and she said thanks a lot but she'd have to go now. Instead of visiting my usual pub that evening I bought a bottle and sat on the edge of my bed, talking to myself. Actually I was talking to Tony the Teeth, not that he was with me but he was there in spirit so I could say what I liked.

‘Listen Tony,' I said. ‘I know your game. Blackmail is a criminal offence. If you don't leave Alice alone I'll report you to the law, and then what will happen?'

‘Fuck all will happen,' he said, ‘I don't know anyone called Alice, only somebody who's called Myrtle who owes me one thousand pounds.'

‘Is she a cute little blonde who wears pearl-encrusted shoes?'

‘Maybe and maybe not,' said Tony. ‘All I know is she'll be sorry if she thinks she can mess me about.'

‘Don't do anything drastic,' I said. ‘You'll get your money soon. She owes me as well, and by the way I'm her ex-husband.'

‘Pleased to meet you,' he said, shaking my hand, and at that point I woke up and wished I hadn't.

On Saturday I rang up Alice and the dame who answered asked if I had the right number. I said I had, but maybe not the right name and she hung up. It seemed once again I had been taken for a sucker but it didn't get me down. I returned to the bank and borrowed another thousand, since it appears that banks can't give their money away quick enough nowadays, then I had a good time drinking strong liquor and betting on the gee-gees. In the evening I called at my favourite pub and bought everyone a round, and when the money ran down I left my Post Office job and got another with Headley's Security Ltd so I could pay off my debt with the Post Office. It was now three thousand pounds, two of which I don't remember spending.

I never saw Alice again. I think she left town, not surprisingly if Tony the Teeth is after her. Tony's looking great these days. He has new teeth, white, gleaming and straight as a dye. I often wonder if my money paid for them.

I
t was summer when Alec and I took the kids up to the Rifle Range, coming close to it but still well back from the targets. No one had fired a rifle there for ages, certainly not us. We headed past it for the burn where Alec had made a dam the kids could splash about in. He and I drank the South African wine I brought in my shopping bag.

‘Isn't it lovely here,' I murmured through an alcoholic stupor, staring up at the clear blue sky where large birds circled above us as if waiting for the kill.

‘Not bad,' he said, ‘not bad at all.'

‘Right,' I said, aggrieved at the way he was always so laid back about everything and reluctant to praise anything I admired. I often thought I'd married the wrong man, but there had never been a right one, and I couldn't count Jackson, even if I wanted to. I tried not to think about Jackson because it made me feel too wide awake.

‘Daddy, what are these flies called?' said my eldest daughter of ten. ‘They're everywhere.'

‘Mayflies,' I said before he could answer. ‘They always come in May.'

‘What for?' said the youngest one of five. ‘Why do they always come in May?'

‘I don't know,' I said. ‘I don't know everything. Why does anything happen anyway?'

‘You should try and answer them sensibly,' said Alec. ‘It's only natural they want to know why things happen.'

‘If they ever do happen,' I said in a snappy tone. I hate being
corrected. I took another swig of the South African and closed my eyes in an effort to recapture the drugged effect I'd enjoyed a minute ago, but now something whirred around inside my head and kept me awake.

I had met Jackson at a party. I wasn't sure what the party was for or if it even was a party, but I was inside a friend's house. I wondered what the catch was, then discovered it: a good-looking guy I'd never seen before who was offering me a drink. He was maybe more attractive than good-looking, with brown eyes, black hair and a wide smile.

‘Do you come here often?' he asked in an arch manner and we both had to laugh at the banal question.

‘Not on your nelly,' I said. We laughed again.

My friend Ella butted in at this point. In a suspicious manner she asked, ‘Have you two been introduced?' then walked away before we could answer.

‘I'm Tom Jackson, by the way,' he said to me. ‘But just call me Jackson, everybody does.'

He explained he was only here for the weekend and staying with his sister. I thought I'd never get to know him at such short notice.

‘Are you a friend of Ella's?' I asked him politely.

‘Actually I've only known her since yesterday,' he said. ‘She was carrying some heavy bags, and I –'

‘It's just that I've never met you before,' I said, hoping this didn't sound like an accusation. Inwardly I was panicking. I could not think of anything to say. I finished my drink and put the empty glass on the table, longing to take a sandwich from a big plate in the centre, but too nervous to do so.

‘You look worried,' he said. ‘Shall I get you another drink?'

‘No thanks,' I said. ‘I'd better go home now. My husband will be wondering what's kept me.'

I could have cut my tongue out for admitting to having a husband but he said, ‘I'll drive you home,' waving aside my protests.

We drove fast in the direction opposite to my home and I never
said a word, as if struck dumb. We stopped near the edge of a wood, then made love as if there was no tomorrow. I'd never felt so happy and alive. Afterwards I asked if there was any wine left, having a hazy recollection of lifting a bottle from Ella's sideboard.

‘Of course. Do you think I've guzzled it?' he asked laughing.

‘How would I know what you'd do?' I said, equally light-hearted. We passed the bottle between us until it was finished. We made love again, then he took me home.

I was brought back to reality when Alec said, ‘I wonder what happened to that chap Jackson?' in a manner suggesting he'd been practising the question.

‘Oh him,' I said. ‘I really don't know.'

One of the kids let out a yell, presumably because she'd been splashed. This allowed me to escape and see what was happening.

‘It's her,' said my eldest daughter, pointing to her sister. ‘Now I'm all wet.'

‘I didn't mean it,' said her sister. ‘Anyway she splashed me first.'

‘Just behave yourselves,' I said wearily. Suddenly I wanted to go home and think about Jackson, who had never showed up after the first time, but sent a note saying goodbye and it was fun while it lasted.

‘I thought I felt a spot of rain,' I said to Alec, staring up at the sky and searching for rain clouds. ‘Maybe we should go home.'

‘We don't want to go home,' the children chanted. ‘We want to stay and catch mayflies.'

‘What a cruel thing to do,' I said, but gave them an empty cup to keep them in. ‘And put them back in the water before they die.' I added. I didn't know the life span of a mayfly, but it must be pitifully short.

There was peace for a while. I sank back against a small grassy hillock and Alec snored at my side. I thought how rotten things can be most of the time. I had fallen in love with the perfect man and he'd turned out to be a fraud. I was worse off than before, because I felt old and ugly and unsure of myself while he no doubt
was having it off with some girl young enough to be his daughter. Bitter tears came to my eyes.

Alec interrupted my gloomy thoughts. ‘As I was saying about Jackson, whatever happened to him?'

‘I told you I don't know.' I became tense. ‘Why do you keep asking?'

I became reckless enough to ask if he thought I was having an affair with him.

‘Don't be childish,' said Alec. ‘I only wondered because Ella was quizzing me about him, as if I was a friend of his.'

‘She was?' I said, genuinely surprised. ‘Did she know him that well?'

‘You know what she's like. Man crazy.'

‘I didn't know that. Bad-tempered maybe, but not man crazy.'

I looked at Alec. Was he trying to tell me something? Was he having an affair with Ella or even thinking about having one? I always thought he wasn't the type to have affairs, but who can tell with anyone? The girls came over and demanded sandwiches. I served them, glad to be doing something though my mind was elsewhere. I asked, ‘Are you trying to tell me she is having an affair with Jackson?'

‘I'm not trying to tell you anything,' said Alec, ‘but if she is I'm not surprised.'

‘I am.'

I mournfully imagined the bastard breaking it off to have an affair with an old dog like Ella, but maybe she has something I haven't, though I couldn't think what it was. Some kind of new tricks. And because Alec was shooting his mouth off didn't mean he knew anything for a fact. What did it matter? Jackson no longer loved me.

‘Mummy come and look at all these hundreds of mayflies,' the kids were calling.

‘In a minute,' I said, wishing they'd leave me alone. I gave Alec a nudge. ‘Go and see what they want,' I said. ‘Something to do with mayflies.'

‘It's you they want,' he mumbled through his sleep.

I struggled over to the burn where it was dammed up and swarming with the beasts.

‘Watch they don't bite you,' I said, then told them we were going home soon since I was going out later.

At that Alec sat up and said, ‘You never told me you were going out!' and I said, ‘Do I have to tell you everything?'

‘Saying you're going out is not everything and anyway, who with?'

‘I might be going out with Ella. We made arrangements.'

Then to my surprise he went over to the dam and kicked it down, splattering my daughters with mud. They must have thought he was being funny for they laughed, but I knew he was in a temper, the first I'd seen in a long time.

‘Right,' I said, walking past them. ‘I'm definitely going home now.'

At home I went straight to bed, pulling the covers over my face and sobbing uncontrollably. Then to make it worse I remembered the note Jackson had sent me, and remembered thinking I'd better destroy it before Alec got hold of it. I searched the drawer where I'd put it and it wasn't there. I searched other drawers without success. I tried to remember the words he used and could only recall something about it being fun while it lasted. So Alec must know everything. What could I say to him now?