Aidan (5 page)

“Yeah . . . er, that’s—tough. I can see how you’d be in need of a break.” He actually leans forward and pats my hand in almost a fatherly gesture. I resist the urge to giggle because it’s pretty darn cute.

“Thanks,” I choke out. “How are you doing? You’ve been away from home for a while now, haven’t you? Any closer to what you’re seeking?”

His face shutters. I’m not expecting an answer so I’m surprised when he says, “I’m not sure that you ever find rational answers to heavy shit. I’ve come to realize lately that it’s more about peace or at the very least acceptance. I left because I didn’t think it possible to find either of those things in a place full of memories and around people who meant well, but made it worse. There are times that only solitude will give you a reprieve from your problems.”

I know he’s talking about Cassie, but his struggles sound so similar to mine that I have to blink away the moisture that’s gathered in the corners of my eyes. He doesn’t need my sympathy any more than I need his. We’ve both had that in abundance from others, and it only breeds more depression. “How do you get your life back, though?” I ask, hoping he has more insight into that than I’ve found. When I look ahead, I see myself still in limbo ten years from now if I don’t find the strength to stop being a victim.

He squeezes my hand so tightly that I wince, but bite my tongue to keep from breaking the moment we’re in. Aidan is usually all jokes and lightness. This is an unguarded and raw moment of honesty from him and I’m riveted by it.
By him.
“I don’t know, Kara. I wish I had that answer. For me, I’m trying to accept that I’ve spent roughly twenty years of my life loving an illusion. The sweet and innocent girl I grew up worshipping probably never existed. I put her on a pedestal complete with a crown and even though I witnessed her destructive personality so many times, I turned a blind eye to it.”

“That’s natural when you love someone,” I say softly. “You only want to see the good in them.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose with his other hand, suddenly looking so very tired. “I know, but I can’t help but wonder if I’d actually acknowledged how deep her problems ran, would I have been able to get her the help she needed before she wreaked destruction on not only her life, but on Lucian and Lia’s as well.”

“Aidan, that’s a big burden to put on yourself. There’s no way you could have predicted that she’d try to kill Lia and then take her own life. And she did get help at some point, right? My father mentioned that she’d spent many years in a mental facility before the attack on Lia.”

“Do you know what put her in that hospital?” he asks, and I shake my head.

“No, I never knew the reason.”

He looks torn, as if not sure he wants to go any further. I want to urge him on as something tells me this is a big part of what torments him. But I also know how it feels when people pry into your private life so I wait silently. He turns slightly, motioning for Charlie, the bartender to bring him his usual scotch. When it arrives, he tosses it back and then holds up a finger for another, which he sets in front of him within easy reach. I think whatever he has to say must be really bad if he needs a backup of liquid courage. “I won’t go through the whole history, but Cassie, Luc, and I were childhood friends. Cassie always loved Luc, and I was crazy about her. They dated in high school, and we all went to college together and shared an apartment. Cassie had been on medication for bi-polar disorder for years by this point. When she got pregnant, she had to go off the medication, and her mental health deteriorated rapidly. She was either riding a manic high or weeping from a depressed low. She and Luc were fighting almost non-stop. She was on him the minute he walked in every day with one accusation after another. It became so bad that even I couldn’t stand to be around her. I stayed out as late as possible every night and left when I got up.”

When he pauses to take a gulp from his glass, I say, “Wow, that had to be a very toxic environment for all of you. Why didn’t you move out?” I couldn’t imagine loving someone enough to stay in those circumstances, especially when the person was pregnant with another man’s child.

He appears lost in thought as he says, “I wanted to, but I was afraid of what would happen. I knew Cassie was becoming increasingly erratic, and I was worried she would hurt herself.” The hand still holding mine trembles and I reach out to cover it with my other one. “Anyway . . . I came home early one evening, which was unusual. I hadn’t been in the mood to party and hoped that things would be quiet enough for me to have an early night. There was no sign of Luc or Cassie when I arrived, but Luc’s car was there so I thought maybe they’d walked somewhere close by for a late dinner. As I was going down the hallway, I’d paused outside their room, and for a reason I’ll never understand, I opened their door to check on them.”

My eyes fly to his face as I hear the quiver in his voice. He’s struggling with this part of the story, and I wish we weren’t in such a public place so I could comfort him more. “You don’t have to finish this here,” I say, feeling as if I’ve pushed him into something that’s tearing him apart, while I told him nothing about my actual problems.

He moves his chair closer to mine before saying, “I want you to know so you’ll understand at least some of it.” His leg is bouncing against mine under the table, a clear sign of his agitation. I’m so accustomed to the relaxed Aidan that this version is jarring. “So . . . when I opened the door, I didn’t immediately know what had happened. That didn’t come ’til later. All I saw was blood . . . so much of it that finding the source seemed impossible until I heard Luc choking and clutching his neck.”

“Oh, dear God,” I whisper in horror, but Aidan continues as if unaware of my interruption.

“Cassie had slashed Luc’s neck, then both of her wrists.” Taking a deep breath, he added, “Before stabbing herself in the abdomen.” I can only gape at him in shock as he goes through what happened that night. What must it have done to this beautiful man beside me to find his two best friends like that? It’s a testament to his strength that instead of falling apart as most anyone would have done, he held it together and saved their lives. Without him, there is no way they would have lived until the ambulance arrived. “Cassie had what they called a psychotic break after that. She had no awareness of people or surroundings for years until she was given a new, experimental drug. Then it was as if she came alive almost overnight. Luc was freaked out when her doctor did a trial run by letting her out for a weekend. He was completely against it, but I . . . God, she seemed like her old self, back before we all lived together. I took a leave of absence and rented a place near the hospital so she could spend weekends with me. Each time I saw her, she was better. We’d talk about fun times from our childhood, but she didn’t say much about Luc or mention what she’d done to him. I reasoned she kept that blocked out and to speak of him brought it all back to her.” He stares almost moodily into his glass before saying, “I know now that it was all an act. The whole time she was with me, she was plotting against Luc. She knew he had someone in his life and that he was happy. And
that
she wouldn’t allow. In her mind, Lia became the cause for all of her issues.”

“But if you weren’t keeping her updated on Lucian’s life, how was she getting the information? I know he’s in the public eye some, but he’s fairly private where his personal life is concerned.”

Aidan actually chuckles now, although it doesn’t appear he is actually amused. He runs a hand through his hair, causing it to stick up. Damn, the man looks adorable regardless. “Yeah, as it turns out, a woman I’d been seeing was Cassie’s stepsister. Luc had a one-night stand with her in college, and she’d never forgiven him for it. They’d slept together again once in recent years, then he’d wanted nothing more to do with her. Cassie had no idea this woman existed since her mother left her and her father when she was young. Her father told her that she was dead, but in reality, she’d taken off and eventually remarried. Monique found out about Cassie and went to see her while she was hospitalized. Luc had been awarded guardianship of Cassie because there was no one else who would assume the financial responsibility. He then transferred that to me when Cassie was released. Monique took us both to court and ended up taking over Cassie’s care since she was a relative through her father’s marriage to Cassie’s mother. It’s a big complicated mess, but in the end, Monique poisoned Cassie’s already sick mind with more lies until she believed that Lia had taken her baby and that if she killed her, she could have Luc back and everything she’d lost.”

“Holy shit.” I sag back in my chair amazed at the story he’s just told. I knew some of it from my father, but clearly, he’d just scratched the surface. No wonder Aidan was reeling. Not only had he lost Cassie, but he’d also dated the woman who orchestrated it all. Even though none of it was his fault, I know he’s riddled with guilt. How can one person be expected to handle
that
and still go on? The fact he’s here with me now is nothing short of amazing. He looks pale and dejected sending me into protective mode.

“Why don’t we order a pizza to go and take it with us? I don’t know about you, but I’m tired and wouldn’t mind having an early night.”

He shoots me a grateful look and signals for our waiter. Within fifteen minutes he’s carrying a pizza box with one hand and holding on to me with the other. We both pick at our food when we get home. And by nine, we’re in the bed. For the first time, we don’t make love. Instead, Aidan wraps himself around my back, and we lie in silence. I’m finally lulled to sleep by the steady sound of his breathing. It seems as if I’ve barely been out for a few minutes before something wakes me. Then I feel the bed moving and hear Aidan mumbling under his breath before he begins shouting. “Cassie, let me in! Open the damn door!”

I roll across the bed, fumbling for the lamp on my side. I blink rapidly at the sudden glow that fills my side of the room. Aidan is moving erratically on the bed, almost as if he’s waging a war against an assailant only he can see. I place my hand on his shoulder and find it dripping with sweat. “Aidan,” I say softly as I give him a shake. If anything, he appears to grow even more agitated. “Aidan! Wake up, you’re dreaming,” I shout, and he freezes, but his eyes don’t open. “It’s not real, baby. You’re here with me.”

He’s completely still for another moment before his eyes open. Without saying a word, he leaves the bed and gets to his feet. He’s inches away from the door when he turns and says, “That’s where you’re wrong, Kara. It is very real, and I can’t get it out of my fucking head.” Then he’s gone. I hear the front door slam, and I sag back against the sheets. The torment in his voice is my undoing, and I’m helpless to contain the flood of tears that course down my cheeks. This isn’t about jealousy that he’s dreaming of another woman. Actually, that has nothing to do with it. No, my emotional breakdown is caused by the realization that I’ve let myself care about Aidan more than I could have imagined. I’d say I’m falling in love with him, but that seems absurd after such a short time. Being as I have little experience with love, I’m not sure I’m even equipped to recognize the difference.

What I do know is that I’m the last woman he needs in his life. As far as I know, he’s never had a serious relationship, so although it seems highly unlikely, what if he’s also developed feelings for me? I’m physically fine right now, but what if my cancer returns? Aidan can’t be expected to handle another loss in his life. Since I chose to enter into this with him without telling him the full truth, then I must also leave in the same way. Somewhere within me, I must find the courage I used to possess and return home to rebuild my life. The longer I stay here with him, the harder it will be to walk away. Even now as I think of it, I’m filled with unwelcome anguish. I wish I had never run into him at that damn bar. But how could I have possibly known we’d click almost as if he’s the missing piece of me? How could fate be so cruel as to have me cross paths with him of all people? A man who could not possibly deal with the baggage that weighs so heavily on my shoulders. The writing is on the wall. These few weeks with him are all I can have. When the morning comes and I leave him asleep as I always do, I won’t be coming back. And the part of me that is already grieving hopes that maybe he’ll miss me just a bit too.

I
’m
beyond relieved that Cindy is still at lunch when I walk into the office. She’ll take one look at me and know something is wrong. I may be fierce and unreadable in business, but with my assistant and mother figure, I’m an open book. There’s no hiding anything from her, and as much I love the woman, today I need some time to think. I take a seat behind my desk and my hands automatically reach for the keyboard of my computer before I pull them back. I’ve mostly respected Aidan’s wishes for the last year and kept my contact at a minimum, but what I learned today changes things. Drastically.

Lia and I try to meet for lunch at least one day a week when we can get away for an hour together. Since the addition of our daughter, Lara, those alone times are at a premium. Not that I would change anything, but I miss the easy access I once had to my wife.
In more ways than one.

I also miss my best friend. For twelve months, I’ve struggled to exist without the person who’s been my brother since childhood. A dozen times a day, I’ve picked up my phone to text or call him only to realize I can’t. He hasn’t been down the hall in the office he’s occupied since I started Quinn Software. I haven’t been able to meet him at the bar near my house where we’d dodge the overeager and slightly scary advances of Misty the bartender. He’s been gone from my life as if he’d never been there.

I was walking back to the office after lunch with Lia when I ran into Aidan’s parents. I felt sheepish when shaking his father’s hand. I’ve spoken to him by phone and email but have made no effort to visit them since my best friend’s departure. Quite simply, it hurts too much.

Chris Spencer used our handshake to pull me into a hug, and I felt my throat tighten. I was an asshole. How had I let so much time go by without at least inviting them over for dinner? Lia actually mentioned it on several occasions, but I always had some excuse. When I pulled back, my attention switched to Ginny Spencer.
Oh. fuck.
I knew she had some health concerns, but Chris had assured me she was doing well. One look at her and I knew that was a lie. She was so thin, so frail, and she looked as if she’d aged twenty years. She was wearing a pink bandana around her head, which only highlighted the paleness of her face. I tried to hide my shock, but I knew she saw it as I wrapped my arms gently around her small frame. Hell, I’ve always been a blunt man and therefore was unable to hold the words back. I looked from Chris to Ginny before saying, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

They didn’t bother to deny or pretend to misunderstand. Ginny put her hand on my arm and squeezed it. Her grip was surprisingly firm, which somehow made me feel better. “Don’t blame Chris, Luc. It’s what I wanted. If you’d known, you would have contacted Aidan, and I don’t want him to know.” Chris stepped closer and rubbed his wife’s back before shooting me a look full of apology.

He addressed me as he always had. “Son, I know you’re upset with us, but I’ve respected Ginny’s wishes, even though I don’t necessarily agree with them.”

“You have cancer,” I stated as I studied Ginny. “Which kind?”

“It’s uterine cancer,” she said calmly, almost serenely. Of course, that has always been Ginny. No matter what Aidan and I did growing up, she never raised her voice. Even when we were wrestling in the living room and accidently broke a vase her mother had left her when she passed away, she’d calmly told us to be careful of the glass on the floor. I’d seen her hands shake when she’d swept the priceless treasure up. Aidan and I had used our allowance and bought her the most beautiful one we could find to replace it. She’d cried and hugged us both tightly and declared it the best present she’d ever received.
That
was Ginny Spencer. She could always find a bright side to everything, but I couldn’t help but wonder how she managed to do that now.

“Ginny, I could have helped. We can still find you the best doctors and specialists.” Swallowing audibly, I said huskily, “Aidan would expect me to take care of you, and so far, I’ve done a crap job of it.”

Chris cleared his throat, obviously emotional from the conversation. “Son, I have great insurance through my job with the state. Ginny loves her doctor, and we haven’t wanted for anything. We’re getting by just fine, so don’t feel as if you’ve failed us because you haven’t.”

“And the prognosis?” I asked, not even sure I wanted the answer. I couldn’t bear to think of losing another mother.
Dammit, Aidan, you have to come home.
His parents might mean well, but Aidan would never forgive any of us if he missed what could possibly be his last days with his mother.

Ginny looked down at her watch before saying, “I have another chemo treatment in less than an hour.” She pointed across the street at the large medical building. I’ve walked past it a million times but have never given any particular thought to it, and now it held the key to all my hopes for Aidan and his family at that moment. “I had surgery last month, and now, I have another month of chemo. Then we’ll run tests to see where I’m at. The doctor is very optimistic, though, and so far, everything has been going well.”

I bit my tongue to keep from asking her what she considered “going well,” because she looked so very sick to me, and nothing like the vibrant woman I have known and loved. We had talked for a few more minutes before they needed to leave for their appointment. I hugged Ginny once again. “I love you,” I said softly. I could tell she was getting emotional, so I pulled away and gave her a moment to regroup. Otherwise, we’d probably both be crying on the sidewalk. Chris walked a few steps away and motioned me over while Ginny sat on a nearby bench and looked at her phone. “Please let me know if you need anything at all. I realize I haven’t been around, and there’s no excuse.” I felt so ashamed of my failure that it was hard to meet Chris’s eyes. I knew he saw everything I was thinking. How would I tell Lia? How would I admit the repercussion of my failure to her?
Fuck.

He looked over at his wife before turning back to me. “I think you know the one thing you can do for me.” I stared at him, trying to make sense of his statement. He already told me they had a good doctor and were happy with the treatment plan.
What was he talking about?
Then his cryptic words hit me.

“Aidan.” Regardless of what had been said earlier, he wanted his son to know what’s going on, but couldn’t—
wouldn’t—
betray his wife’s wishes. Now, I could provide him a way around that.

He hugged me without acknowledging that I spoke. “We’d better get going. Ginny doesn’t like to be late. I love you, son.” He retraced his steps to his wife, and I stood frozen in place when they crossed the street and entered the door of the imposing brick building.

I made my way back to my office in a daze torn between Ginny and Chris’s wishes. But in the end, was there really any choice? I failed them by staying away for so long, but that was going to change. It was time.

Time for Aidan to come home as well. He’d never recover if he lost his mother while not knowing the extent of her illness. Therefore, I tap on my keyboard and pull up my email screen. My hands hover over the keys as I ponder what to say, before finally settling on the direct approach. I’ve never been one for drama, so Aidan will know immediately that things are dire.

I look at the flashing cursor for a few seconds before clicking on the send icon. I didn’t want to mention the word cancer over email. That’s something his parents should tell him in person. But if I know my friend and brother, what I have said will send him packing and on his way home very soon. After months of wanting him to come back, this is absolutely not how I saw it happening. I find no joy in the prospect of his return now. Instead of the relieved reunion I envisioned, it will only be filled with more torment for a man who has endured enough for a lifetime.

I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting on the beach. But it must surely be well after midnight by now. I hadn’t had a nightmare in weeks, actually since Kara began sharing my bed. The one that had woken me tonight had been so painfully vivid that my hands still shook slightly from it. Strangely enough, it was after these dreams that I usually missed home the most. Luc had a wife and baby now, but I had no doubt he’d be there for me in a moment, should I call. That is if I wasn’t hiding away from the world as I was doing now. I had needed to leave, that much was still true. I wouldn’t have coped if people had treated me with kid gloves and walked around me as if on eggshells. Sympathetic glances. Halted conversations upon my entry. No. When I return, it won’t be as if Cassie’s death had only been a week ago. Time, and my friends, has marched on. And as much as my recovery began in solitude while being away, it is time to return. It’s time to surround myself with those who understand and care about me. It’s time.

I had surprised myself earlier when I told Kara about Cassie. It wasn’t something I’d intended, but before I knew it, the story had spilled from my lips. And along with it, possibly a little of the pain I’d been carrying around for so long. At least that’s what I thought. But then the fucking nightmare had me teetering on the edge once again.

I pull my cell phone from my pocket, not knowing why I’d even bothered to grab it on the way out the door. I click on the screen and then go to my photos. At times when I am feeling lost and lonely, I flip through the dozens of images of my parents, Luc, and the few of him with Lia. I also have a couple of Lara when she was born right before I left town. Tonight, though, instead of feeling better, they just make me feel worse. It has taken over a year, but I think I’m finally ready to go home. It’s been too long since I’ve seen my beautiful mother or laughed with my father. And I damn sure need my friend and brother.

Then my thoughts turn to Kara. I never planned on her, but I’m not ready to walk away from her. Will she agree to go back with me? We don’t even have what I’d call a relationship. We spend the evenings together, and with the exception of tonight, we fuck—a lot. We’ve never spoken of anything past the here and now, but I know she’s dealing with more than she’ll admit. I see the haunted look in her eyes when she doesn’t think I’m watching her. She’s a puzzle I’ve become obsessed with solving. There are so many contradictions between her words and actions. She may be a mystery, but what I do know is that in a short time, it’s become hard to imagine not sleeping beside her each night. I’ll talk to her in the morning before she can disappear for the day. I’m getting to my feet when I notice an email notification on the phone screen. Since only a few people have the address, days can go by between correspondences. I almost leave it ’til morning, but then I go ahead and click it just in case my father has more news of my mother.

I see Luc’s name and relax a bit. He does check in from time to time to let me know he’s ready for me to come home. Looks like this might be his lucky week. I open the email and feel the panic return:

Fuck me!
Despite my father’s reassurances, I knew something wasn’t right. It may sound crazy, but his words were strained, and I could almost see the effort he was making to keep things light. I’ve pulled up my parents’ number, and my finger is hovering over the send button before I know it. Something stops me, though. A middle-of-the-night call from their absent son is the last thing they need. If I pack and head out within the next hour, I can be home early in the morning. My running days are over. I have family and friends who depend on me, and I’ve let them down for long enough. I rush across the sand and barrel in the front door, not bothering to be quiet. There’s no way I’m leaving without talking to Kara, so waking her isn’t something I try to avoid.

The lamp on my side of the bed is burning, and Kara is on her side facing me when I walk in. “Are you okay?” she asks in that husky voice I’ve come to crave.

“Not really,” I answer truthfully, as I make my way to the closet and pull my suitcase from it. “Princess, I’ve got to go home tonight. Luc emailed to tell me that my mother is really sick despite what they’ve been telling me.”

I hear the bed move, and then her hand is on my arm. “Don’t worry about the house. I can lock up if you leave the key. What else do I need to take care of?”

That stops me in the act of tossing clothes on the bed. I turn and cup her face in my hand. “Babe, I want you to come back with me. I realize we haven’t discussed anything more than the here and now, but I can’t imagine leaving you here and walking away. We both live in the same city so it’s not as if you’re relocating.”

I feel the distance opening between us as her head drops, and she takes a few steps back. “I—I can’t go back yet, Aidan.” I open my mouth to argue, but she quickly adds, “I just need a few more weeks. You don’t have time to discuss this. Let’s get you packed and on the road. You’ll need some time with your parents. I’ll finish my vacation and be close behind you, okay?”