Air Kisses (24 page)

Chapter Thirty-Four

‘I’m going to make you a cup of tea. You just sit there and drink that water for now, okay?’

‘Yes, sir.’ I was sitting on Jesse’s sofa, dressed in one of his T-shirts, two strapless bras and my knickers, with a blanket over me. I wasn’t sure how I had come to be in said position. A colossal glass of water sat on the coffee table in front of me. It was too overwhelming to even pick it up. I was exhausted at just the idea of it.

‘If you feel like you’re going to be sick, the tub is to your right, remember?’

‘Mm-hmm.’ I closed my eyes for a second, just to relax. The black hole behind my eyes spun, so I opened them immediately. When would this disgusting ride end?

‘Where’s my phone?’ I felt around the blanket.

‘It’s here. Don’t worry, your little mate Dick knows you’re safe, he’ll tell Izzie.’

‘It’s DEC, as in DECLAN, and he’s Iz’s sister, remember? Lived overseas. I mean brother. Her brother. He was jus’ tryin’ to help. He was good boy to look for me.’

‘Yeah, little too late if something had happened to you, Han. It was just a good thing I came past.’

Was it? I think I’d rather Dec had found me first.

I looked around Jesse’s apartment. Nothing had changed, except for a beautiful big fish tank.

‘Nice fish,’ I said. ‘Tank,’ I finished. As I couldn’t actually make out any fish, I felt it was more accurate for me to just comment on their home.

‘Oh, thanks. Amazing, aren’t they? They’re so beautiful to watch. Everyone’s mesmerised by them.’

I bet they were. Bet he’d brought Lisa back to his apartment with the lure of seeing his ‘amazing fish’.

‘Here we go.’ He came and sat next to me on the sofa with two cups of tea. ‘Did you eat anything tonight?’

I thought about his question with a scrunched face. ‘Nnnnnnope.’

‘Ahhh, well, that explains a lot. I’ll make you some toast.’

‘I want hot chips.’ I did. Real bad.

‘I don’t have any,’ he laughed. ‘Toast will help soak up some of the booze, though…’

Fridge doors opened and closed and toasters were pressed down. I decided to lie down and wait. Just for a minute. One little minute.

‘…Han, honey, do you want to get into my bed? I’ll sleep in the spare room, but it’s silly you sleeping here.’

Someone sounding a lot like Jesse was talk-whispering at me.

I looked around me. Everything was dark, save for a fish tank. What the hell?

‘What happened?’ I was very confused. Why was Jesse here? Why was
I
here?

‘You passed out, Han. You’re at my place because I found you very drunk outside The Royal. You’ve been asleep for an hour. Everything’s okay.’

I liked his soothing voice. It made me feel nice. I snuggled into my blanket and attempted, for about two nanoseconds, to get a bit of clarity before closing my eyes again. They were so
heavy
.

‘I should go,’ I said, with no intention of doing anything as arduous as changing positions, let alone suburbs.

‘Stay here, Han. I’ll take you home first thing in the morning. You need to sleep it off.’ I felt his hand on my arm, rubbing it in a soothing, loving way. I melted just a little bit. He felt nice. He smelled nice, too. I wanted him to just lie down next to me like he used to. Just for five minutes. That was all. Five teeny minutes.

‘Lie with me,’ I said with my eyes closed.

‘Are you sure, Han?’

‘Lie,’ I repeated.

He carefully pulled out the back supports of the sofa and lay down behind me, leaving me all the pillow and blanket.

‘I love this pillow,’ I muttered.

‘I love that you’re here,’ he said almost inaudibly.

I reached behind me and grabbed his arm, pulling it roughly across me. He took this as a cue to face the same way I was, and he delicately moulded my body with his. I could
feel his breath on my neck. It was quick but regular.

I became intensely aware of his body behind mine, and every time he moved a bit, I wondered if he would be game enough to try anything. After a few minutes, he shifted his body, getting closer to me as if by accident. I played back, by pulling out the blanket from underneath me, and placing it over both of us. When we resettled, he had both arms on my body, and his face was so close to my neck, it sent a shiver down my back. I realised, very suddenly, and very surprisingly, that I could go there.

I made one small move to face him. I could see his eyes were wide open. I looked into them, and then he moved his lips to mine. We kissed, lightly, softly at first, then more hungrily as we reshuffled our bodies to accommodate our mouths. He moved his hands up to behind my head and softly grabbed handfuls of hair as he kissed me. I started shifting my body more and more towards being on top of his, and with each kiss he nonchalantly pulled me further onto him. I took my hands down behind his back and pulled the bottom of his T-shirt up. He helped me lift it over his head, kissing me the moment it was off, and then slowly did the same with the T-shirt that was half-covering me. It all felt disturbingly familiar, and yet entirely alien. After all, we hadn’t carried on like this since we first dated, years ago. I felt a brief surge of panic, but his soft hands and soft kisses clouded any possibility of withdrawing now.

His hands moved around to my back, to unclip my bra; I took a sharp breath in as his hands faltered at finding two clasps. God,
why
had I worn two bras? He said nothing; I slowly exhaled. Won’t be doing that again. Bras dealt with, Jesse’s hands gently massaged and cupped my breasts. He
made soft circles with his thumbs, and stroked my chest with his fingers. He was doing everything so slowly and was being so delicate, almost to the point of irritation. I wanted him to get on with it. I was nervous and scared and excited; I needed things to begin. I kissed him deeper. As we kissed, I realised that the intensity in my kisses actually stemmed from anger: stupid boy, stupid Jesse; look what you lost.

Finally, his cautious hands, with the help of my impatient ones, slid down and skilfully removed my special lacy knickers, which I internally applauded as a very salient choice. I reached down and wrestled off his shorts, and then abruptly it was flesh on flesh. It surprised me to feel his naked body on mine, even though I had just hastily created the situation. He felt good: warm, firm, like someone I wanted to have sex with. A flash of Dan danced through my mind; I shook my head to dislodge it. He was probably screwing Blondie this very minute. Jesse’s hands and fingers were everywhere, grabbing at my skin, pulling me closer, and finally wandering down between my thighs. I pushed myself into his body, and pulled his hand away, signalling I wanted all of him.

The moment he entered me, tears sprang to my eyes. Everything suddenly felt so wrong. What was I doing? Why was I doing this? He didn’t deserve this; he didn’t deserve me like this! Sensing my unease, Jesse immediately slowed down, right down.

‘Han, honey, are you okay? Do you want to stop?’

I lay still. After a few seconds he gently embraced me in a big bear-hug. He kissed my face and, feeling the wetness of tears, stopped and looked at me in the darkness. He stopped moving altogether.

‘Han, what’s the matter?’ Receiving no answer, he simply
held me tighter and rearranged himself so that he was half on top of me, half on the sofa. He kissed me tenderly again and again on the forehead and arms and neck until my tears stopped, and then I fell into a heavy, uncomfortable sleep.

Chapter Thirty-Five

My headache woke up well before I did, pounding me into a state of alertness that I really did not wish to have anything to do with. I lifted my tongue a few times: cigarettes and what I imagined filthy socks might taste like flooded my taste sensors. Delightful. I slowly opened my eyes. I knew that ceiling. I knew that window. I felt a body to my right. Its bum was pressed against me and its feet were intertwined with mine. I looked. I knew that hair. That back. I recognised the way that person slept with their hands above their head. I put my hand on my tummy, which was gurgling, and noticed I was entirely nude.

Today was not going to be a good day.

I gently extracted myself from Jesse and the blankets and found my knickers. I popped on the less padded of my two bras and a T-shirt I vaguely recalled wearing last night at some point.

Where was my phone? I needed a taxi. Now. Ten hours ago would have been even better. I tiptoed to the kitchen and saw my handbag sitting on the bench. When I found my phone, I had six missed calls: three from Iz, three from Dec. Oh shit. I was in so much trouble with that family. My inbox told its own story, too:

I quickly wrote back, punching in the letters quietly, lest Jesse wake to the tap-tapping.

I checked the time. 8.14 a.m. Time to go; time to go. I dialled a cab and snuck up the hall to Jesse’s bedroom to deliver the directions. The last thing I needed was for him to wake up.

Cab booked, I crept back out to the lounge room to put
last night’s ensemble back on. It wasn’t slutty last night, just slutty now it was broad daylight and my hair and make-up made me look like a nasty old streetwalker called Candy.

I looked at Jesse sleeping on the sofa. He was all tanned and fit-looking. Damn him. If it wasn’t for him, I’d never have left Iz’s. And had sex with a man I didn’t even want to
speak
to in real life. I needed to leave.

I yanked my dress down over my head. My phone vibrated; the taxi was here. I grabbed my shoes and tiptoe-ran to the front door, pausing quickly to rearrange my pile of shoes, bag and phone before dropping it all and ruining my stealthy exit. Bending down to pick up all my stuff, I noticed a note on the small table where Jesse kept his change bowl and keys.

My heartbeat quickened and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I picked up the note, trying to make sense of what was happening. I finally concluded that what was happening was that Jesse had a girlfriend, or at least the makings of one, but had slept with me anyway. Unbelievable. I shook my head in utter incredulity. He was fucking disgusting.

Bizarrely, my heart went out to
her
before it remembered it was meant to stay with me at all times, especially in situations like this. The poor bitch thought Jesse was into her when he was actually busy kidnapping and seducing his drunken ex-girlfriend under the guise of looking after her. I wondered who
she was, what she looked like, if they’d ‘done it’ on the very sofa we had… I shuddered. The idea of that made me feel even sicker than I already was. I felt sorry for the girl, though, knowing that if she stuck with Jesse, she would no doubt go through what I had; I wouldn’t wish that on any woman.

I put the note back, still shaking my head. I was meant to see that note, I thought. I was meant to see it so I’d know not to go back to him. I mouthed a silent thank you to Lady Fate for stepping in and saving me from all manner of headfucking. I considered leaving the note on the floor, so he’d know I’d seen it, but that would be too easy. No. I’d let him lose his mind trying to figure out why I never, ever, EVER spoke to him again.

I opened the door, taking care not to make any noise as I unlocked it. Gently closing it behind me, I exhaled deeply.
Jesuuuuus
. It was not even 9 a.m. and already it had been a huge day.

Perfect – the cab had come right onto his driveway – I wouldn’t even need to be seen on the street. As I got in and gave directions for home, panic suddenly gripped me: we hadn’t used protection last night. Even though it was barely deserving of the label ‘sex’, it was still enough to transmit an STI. Oh God, I was a loser. Who knows what he could’ve picked up from those filthy tramps he had on the go?

My phone started vibrating madly. It was Don’t Answer. I was so angry I’d let him take me home last night. I would’ve been fine, but
no
, he had to play the hero and whisk me away to his fishy lair, where ‘B’ had been only days – or maybe even hours – before me. A mixture of fury, disgust, relief and regret engulfed me. I had a feeling it would stay for a little while yet.

Once I was back home, I let the scalding-hot shower beat down on me. It smelled so nice… I didn’t want to get out. I had covered the drain with a face cloth and dripped in some essential oils, creating a ‘mini day-spa’.

I knew I should get out, my hands were completely wrinkled, but I couldn’t leave the cocoon of hot water and calming aromas. I leant my head against the tiles and closed my eyes. Part of me felt like I wanted to rewind and start last night all over, and part of me wanted to still be at Jesse’s, laying into him in the most violent manner I could muster.
Who did he think he was?
Switching women like he was some kind of bloody movie star. Drying off, I wondered what Jesse would be thinking right now. A twisted smile crossed my face at the idea of him realising I had gone and wasn’t answering his calls.

Knowing he was a certified cheat gave me a strange feeling of comfort. The decision had been made for me: he was gone from my life now. I didn’t need to waste another nanosecond thinking about him.

With that thought, I went to the bathroom and luxuriously applied a hydrating cloth mask to my pale, dry face. It said ‘leave on for ten minutes’. I would leave it for twenty.

For what felt like the first time in several millennia, I was in possession of crystal-clear insights. There would be no more Jesse. I had gone backwards, I had fallen, and I wasn’t interested in nursing bruises and cuts for this man a moment longer. He was
gone
.