Airs & Graces (8 page)

I squashed the tiny voice in my head that was telling me that Tab had made sacrifices too, that I had probably even seen it. I didn’t want to hear it, I wanted to stay angry. I slammed my fist over and over into my steering wheel and screamed my caustic rage into the darkened confines of my car.

Everybody but Piorre, and now he was dead. Really dead. The old man had demanded I do a good job, sure, but he at least paid me a livable wage for it. When my mother had completely written me off for not pursuing her lifelong dream for me, he hadn’t wanted anything from me when I’d cried on his shoulder. My thoughts inadvertently switched back to Tab.

Good ol’ Tab.

Y’know it’s funny, Tab expecting me to choose my own destiny and all. I guess it was fine, all well and good when choosing my own destiny aligned with what
he
wanted, but if Michael were telling the truth – which why wouldn’t he be? – then Tab would just as easily and readily kill me as either the Angels or Demons in this power struggle of theirs. So you know what? Fuck it. It didn’t really matter anymore did it? No matter what I did at this point I was a dead woman walking. Piorre trusted me with this, of that much I was certain, but maybe he shouldn’t have. Not saying that I was untrustworthy, just saying that right then, at that point, I just didn’t think I could do it. I just wasn’t strong enough. I pretty much figured that the best I could do at this point was try to figure out this Grace shit, get the location of these keys, and go from there on who I would hand them to.

I kept driving, past the exit I was supposed to take to meet Tab. It was probably suicide, but honestly, who cared? No one else cared if I lived or died. I had no life, no one to go back to. I was alone. Maybe that was for the better; maybe it wasn’t. I turned on my windshield wipers and was confused when the water didn’t clear. I was so upset I didn’t even realize that the tears were pouring down my face. I pulled off the freeway at Airport Way and into a lot and had my freak out. I cried and cried until I didn’t have anything left in me to cry out. Man if I ever lived to have grandkids this would be a hell of a story.
‘So there I was, in my car in an industrial area having my epic meltdown, alone in the world with no one to trust and nowhere to go…’
Son of a bitch.

When the emotional shit storm was relatively blown over and I could get a grip, I realized that a good couple of hours had passed. Which meant that even if I did go back to the church, Tab would be long gone. I was still no closer to figuring out what to do about him or the situation. I just knew I couldn’t handle this alone. In fact I was completely aware of this fact by now, but at the same time what was done, was done. I’d completely fucked myself. The best I could do was move forward and figure out my next step. I got out of my car and went to the trunk. I found my army-issue olive drab messenger bag and took off my jacket, extracting Piorre’s journal from my sleeve.

I took off the emerald green Chinese dress and rolled it up into the bottom of the bag for safe keeping, tucking the journal on top. There were some other odds and ends I left in the bag, like my iPod, what money I had, etc., and when I was satisfied at the distribution of weight, miniscule as it was, I pulled on a spare, fitted white tee-shirt from my gym bag, and slung the bag across my chest, putting the leather jacket back on over it all.

My life was reduced to a vintage Chinese silk dress, a book written by an old man, his rosary and my car. What was I doing? I got back in the driver’s seat, pulled out of the lot, and did a lot of praying as I got back onto the freeway. Who knew if God was actually listening? I turned on some music and headed south, going through a mental checklist of what I knew so far. What did I know? Well, for starters Piorre bestowed upon me the Grace of an Angel that knew something about a set of keys that both Heaven and Hell
really, really
wanted. I also knew that to survive I would need to get to whatever it was first, and that to ensure the survival of all of humanity I needed to keep whatever it was away from both the Archangels, who wanted to kill me for it, and the Demons that wanted to kill me for it too.

Not only was this not fair, it was totally, unbelievably fucked up beyond all recognition. I would need to get over that thinking-trap quickly though. Back on track I moved on to what I knew. In order to understand the Grace, I needed to read Piorre’s journal and understand his process. In order to figure out how to do that, I needed to find a place to lay low and read the damned journal for any clues.

I had an idea. What if I went someplace that had always calmed my soul to read the journal? It was by no means perfect, but for now it would have to do. I found myself hoping I could get something accomplished before I had to run again. Sadly, I found myself hoping that whoever caught up with me first, Fallen, Demon, Angel, Archangel, or Tab… that they would end me quickly, because at this point I didn’t think any of them cared to keep me alive.

“Have you told her what your plans for her are? Did you tell her that you contemplated killing her, even planned it?”

I was so stupid, letting my emotions get the better of me. Still, I didn’t know how to find Tab, nor was I inclined to beg his forgiveness. I doubted he’d listen anyways. I don’t think it suited his agenda. So ironic and hypocritical…

“I came here to stop Heaven or Hell from spilling out on your world… Many, many, people will die. That is why I’m here, and for no other reason.”

I wiped at a stray tear. I guess being the big hero and saving all of humanity was important. I sighed and tried to strangle the voice of self-pity. I didn’t want to die, but I couldn’t help but think…

Wasn’t I human too? Wasn’t I people?

I dismissed the thought, but it was followed by another, even crueler and probably the most selfish thought I had ever had… What did I owe the human race? There wasn’t a single person living on this planet that cared about me, so why should I care about them? I mean, if I died now, no one would even… I stopped and my heart sank under the weight of my guilt. That wasn’t me. I wasn’t that person. I never would be that person.

I clenched my jaw with renewed determination. Time for me to suck it up, because as long as I was alive, I would do everything I could.

“Thank you, God.” I breathed and kissed the cross of the rosary that lay against my wrist, I tried to ignore the feeling – like I was falling, and that this renewed determination was just me grasping at anything I could to keep myself from going splat.

It would take me only a couple of hours or so to get where I was going. It was warm in my car, and I was getting tired. Still, I wasn’t going to stop at a motel or anything… That would just be crazy. I watched my speed and drove by the book while I was at it. I didn’t need to be one of those fugitives. While I wasn’t certain I was a fugitive per se, I was absolutely sure I had to at least be a person of interest in Piorre’s death. That was bad enough. I really didn’t need to be one of those fugitives that was captured because they were speeding or made an illegal turn or whatever. I was doing just peachy at being an idiot without adding a complete blunder like that one to the list.

I got past Washington’s capital, about an hour south of Seattle, and found a rest stop. I parked and reclined my driver’s seat and crashed for a couple hours. I know I shouldn’t have. I mean I should have been physically tired, but the gauntlet of emotions I’d been run through had taken its toll on me probably even more. I woke at dawn and sat up cautiously, worried at first that something had woken me, not that I’d just woken up. I started my car and brought up my seat. The amber necklace looked ordinary, no lights, and there was no sound, but still I wanted to get out of dodge. I drove on and tried to focus on not thinking for the remainder of the drive.

I continued south down the freeway and hung a right at Longview, crossing the Astoria bridge, and with it, the state border between Washington and Oregon. When I was a kid, my mom had some cousins in Astoria we would go visit every summer. We’d go to the beach and do kid things, but the beach I had in mind had always been a place where I could reflect as I got older.

In my teenage years, going there had always brought a certain peace as I listened to the waves and the gulls. As far as I knew I had never mentioned it to Piorre, Tab, or anyone else that had to do with this idiocy. Once across the bridge, I went right on Highway 30 and just kept on.

I felt a bit calmer, but still wound tight. My chest squeezed tight around my pain. I was past being angry now and just hurt. I was more than afraid at this point too. I knew I couldn’t do it without Tab, but at the same time I couldn’t trust him. I mean, sure he’d kept my ass out of the fire, even gotten injured for me, but he also planned on killing me. Hadn’t he? He didn’t deny it. He didn’t say “I did nothing of the sort, Adelaide,” just “Don’t listen to him, Adelaide. Drive.” Telling me not to listen to Michael wasn’t the same as a denial, was it?

I tried to force the image of him out of my mind, but all I could see was his nose inches from my own, and the angry set of his eyes behind it. Their depths sliding from cool liquid gray to icy blue as he scolded me
“I did not come here to date you, or fall in love with you, or have any part in your life… I came here to stop Heaven or Hell from spilling out on your world… That is why I’m here, and for no other reason.”

He had a high opinion of himself that was for damn sure. I couldn’t help that I found him attractive, I mean for fuck’s sake, he was an Angel and probably one of the most heart-stoppingly beautiful things I’d ever seen. Plus he didn’t bother correcting the waitress at the diner when she inferred we were going out. Then the way he kept staring, I was beginning to think he was interested in me. Okay, that was laughable; I was just human, after all. I mean, right?

I made a disgusted noise, so much for not thinking. I gripped the steering wheel tightly and sighed, forcing myself to relax inch by inch. I needed to be calm in order for the Grace to do its magic so I could see what needed to be seen. Right? In any case, this was probably not helping. Tab and thinking about him was definitely not helping.
The fact that I was having these thoughts and felt so damn sure about what I needed to do to get this Grace shit to work, was so not helping.

Sure Tab was keeping my body in one piece, maybe prolonged my life for a few extra days than I otherwise would have had, but still… none of this was helping with this particular task. I had some serious questions for him now, and God willing I would live to see him again and ask him, but somehow I didn’t think it was going to be likely. I just needed to think, read the journal … what I needed was time, time that no one wanted to give me. So here I was, taking what I could along the Oregon coast.

The sand was soft under the tires of my car, but I had all-wheel drive, so it wasn’t bad. I pulled down the beach and parked, pointing the car toward the water and at an angle that would allow me to just jump in and take off for the exit should the need arise. I got out and was greeted with semi-warm air, the smell of salt, and a light breeze, which was nice. I think it was getting on towards the weekend, and was a little sad I didn’t even know what day of the week it was. We’d been gone for hours, but it felt like days, and I couldn’t remember anymore what day it’d been yesterday when I’d gone into work and…

I closed my car door on the thought – and the sight of my boss and friend lying there – and palmed the remote that would lock the doors. I had left the key in the ignition to make for a faster getaway. I closed my eyes and listened to the gulls and the surf on the shore and relished the soothing silence it brought to my mind. My troubles dimmed under the warmth of the sun on my face, the hurt washing out with the tide. Novocain for the soul. I knew it was only a temporary relief. I dropped onto my ass in the sand and used my car as a wind break, withdrawing Piorre’s journal from my bag.

I felt odd reading his innermost thoughts, but at the same time I didn’t think he would care. I’d like to think he would want me to survive, and if that meant reading his book, then it was okay. Truth be told, I didn’t know anything about anyone anymore. I opened the simple leather-bound journal to about its last third. I was on borrowed time and just couldn’t start from the beginning. I was taking the crash course, and so I needed the answers.

A lot of it was him talking about being honest, mostly with himself, accepting hard truths and trying to be at peace with them… and then I saw my name.

Adelaide, my Addy girl, she is a good child and though I feel I endanger her, she is necessary to me. I find she keeps me honest and does not let me lie to myself. She does good work around the store, and this allows me my meditations. It is for her and those like her that I do this. She makes me realize that good still lies within humanity and as long as it is there, it is worth saving.

I stopped reading and reflected, I never thought of myself as a good person. I just tried to treat people the way they treated me or better than they treated me. I never knew I made any kind of difference to anyone. I just
was
… I was nothing special, nothing unique, I was just me.

I kept reading. I learned more, but a lot of it was guessing, reading between the lines and the like. For Piorre he stated he “saw things more clearly” after doing things that truly put him at ease or at rest. For him things were the clearest after doing things that made him relax and brought him simple pleasure such as during chess or after a quiet meal alone, where there wasn’t a whole lot out there to interrupt his thoughts. That these moments of clarity happened more often after he accepted difficult things and no longer let them hold any sway over him.

It made sense the more I thought about it. The first moment I had seen anything was at the frat house, after I had calmed down a bit from the encounter with Rahab and had accepted the difficult truth that I was in the presence of Angels and not going crazy.