Alana (16 page)

Alana
walked barefoot along the beach, enjoying the feel of the sand as it rose between her toes and luxuriating in the warm caress that the sun bestowed upon her face. The ocean breeze tugged at her simple cotton daydress, pressing it to her body and outlining her curves. Seagulls called out from the heights as they flew above Abington Island and the woman walking its beach.

Alana was happier now than she had been in a long time. For four glorious weeks after that special morning when Jason had awakened clear-eyed and levelheaded, her life had taken on new meaning. Each passing day was better than the last, and now that their stay on the island was ending, she almost wished that they could remain here forever.

Her old Jason had come back to her; if not in body, at least in mind. When he had regained his strength, he had refused to stay in bed and had let Alana and Lorelei help him into his wheeled chair at the start of each day.

Then he and Alana would sit on the veranda and spend their days talking, playing chess–which he loved and taught her–and then talking again until late at night.

At night she would lie in bed with him, no longer afraid of him and keeping to the far edge, but rather held within his arms, her head on his shoulder as they both slept peacefully through the night.

Jason had refused to take any more medication. Not once in the past four weeks had he used the laudanum that sat on the bed table. Instead, he accepted his pain and through his own willpower defeated it. No gift he could ever give her would be more valuable to Alana than the one he now gave–himself, whole of mind, healed of spirit.

After the first two weeks, and after finally making Jason understand that what had happened between them during the past year was not to be mentioned or thought of ever again, she and Jason had begun to talk of the shipping company and of Riverbend.

He had been amazed to know that Alana was having trouble maintaining Riverbend and the shipping company, for in his retreat within the drugs, he had never once given it any real thought. He had been wealthy before the war and had assumed he had stayed the same after. Alana had assured him that the money he had requested from England had reached their account, but it had not been as much as he had expected. The war had cut deeply into the shipping company’s reserves. The export of cotton was negligible and the importation of brandy, wine, and the other Montpelier goods sharply curtailed during the worst of the naval fighting. The costs of running Riverbend had also begun to eat heavily into their account.

This had not seemed to bother Jason, and he’d smiled disarmingly at her. “From what you’ve told me, Ledoque is a good businessman. With him as our new agent, I’m sure that the shipping company will be showing its usual profits soon. After all, our contracts with the Montpelier Company are enough to keep Riverbend and ourselves quite comfortable.”

Since the time of that conversation, Jason had begun to give her small tidbits of advice, never once out rightly telling her she had done this thing or that wrong but suggesting in the patient way he’d always had that perhaps they should try to change this method or that crop.

By the end of their fifth week on the island, Alana had learned a great deal from Jason, and besides feeling a renewed and tender love for him, she knew that their life together would be smooth and comfortable from then on.

Alana stopped walking and turned to go back to the house. Within her, a glow of excitement was building. Tomorrow morning Captain Bowers would be picking them up for the return trip to Riverbend.

Happy with her thoughts of the future, Alana picked up her pace toward the house. She was no more than two hundred feet from her destination when an explosion shattered the peace of the day.

Seagulls screamed their outrage at the noise; several large dark birds who had been resting on the roof of the house took off in a startled flurry.

Then Alana saw Lorelei running out onto the veranda, and as she did, she realized that her own legs were pumping madly, propelling her toward the house. A dark shaft of fear sliced through Alana’s mind, but she refused to acknowledge it. At the foot of the steps, Alana stopped. Looking up, she saw the terrible expression on Lorelei’s face. Her heart began to race; her stomach twisted painfully. Her legs had suddenly turned to lead. Each step up took an eternity. But when she was on the veranda and gazing into Lorelei’s tear-streaked face, she could no longer deny what her heart and mind told her.

When she started to go around Lorelei, her old nurse tried to stop her. Alana shrugged off the restraining hand and walked through the open door. Alana’s breath caught painfully in her chest at the sight that greeted her eyes.

Jason was sprawled on the floor in front of his wheeled chair, a revolver still gripped in his hand.

She walked toward him. Her mind was spinning madly, unable to accept the vision that lay before her as she knelt down at Jason’s side.

Willing herself not to give in to the beckoning darkness that sought to claim her, Alana forced back the bile that rose in her throat at the sight of the blood pooling on the floor beneath Jason’s head. She did not hear her own low sob as she reached toward his lifeless form. Ignoring the blood that smeared her fingers, refusing to see the ugly wound on his temple, she lifted his head and brought her mouth to his.

When she drew her mouth from his unresponsive lips, she felt an unreasonable flare of anger at what he had done to himself. The happiness which had filled her so fully only moments before was now replaced by shock and mourning. She felt the deepest sorrow for the loss of a love that had ended before it could truly begin.

“Why, Jason?” she asked in a husky voice. “Why have you done this to us?”

Still holding him, Alana lifted her head and saw a sheet of paper gripped in his right hand. Carefully, her fingers trembling, she took the paper and looked at the neatly scripted words.

My Dearest Alana,

I know that in the times to come, you will understand why I have done this. And when you do, I want you to realize that because of your devotion to me, I was able to find the strength to face my destiny.

From the time I was wounded, I hid within a world I created, a world that separated me from everything else. The drugs I used were not just for my pain, but to keep me oblivious to life itself.

When you brought me here, to Abington, and you forced me to face what I had become by making me come out of my drug-induced world, I was able to think again and use my mind again for the first time in so very long.

And because of this, your devotion and your unselfish giving of yourself to me, I have found the strength to do what I should have done three years ago.

Do not blame yourself, for it is because of my love for you that I set you free in the only way I can. Live your life now, Alana, live it for both of us, and never look back at our past with regret.

I thank you for these past weeks, for lying next to me each night, for allowing me to hold you close and give you what love I could. You are a beautiful and brave woman.

Remember, Alana, that I have always loved you, no matter what pain I might have caused you, and wherever my soul goes, it shall carry that love with it.

Good-bye, my dearest wife. Remember me with kindness and love.

For endless minutes, Alana stared at the paper, and then a low cry escaped her lips. Releasing the paper from her numbed fingers, Alana cradled his head on her lap, holding him close and rocking slowly back and forth.

She was unaware of Lorelei pulling her away from him and lifting her off the floor; all she knew was that she had lost Jason soon after finding him. Then the darkness that had been calling to her since she stepped inside the house overcame her, and she gratefully succumbed to it and sank into unconsciousness.

~~~~~

Alana stood on the veranda looking toward the drive. For the first time in the two and a half months since Jason’s death, she was not wearing black. Her personal period of outward mourning was over and, she had told herself, it was time to be back at work.

Those first weeks after Jason’s death had been the hardest for her. Harsh anger had combined with deep despondency, preventing her from doing anything other than lie in bed and stare unseeing at the ceiling.

Jason had found his way back from the pits of hell and had shown Alana once again the wonderful man he was. When he died, no matter what his note had said and no matter what he had believed, he had deserted her. She could not forgive him, and so could not accept his death or continue with her life.

But, one day while she was lying in her bed, Alana had reread his note and had tried to see between the lines. As she did, she began to realize that perhaps it was she who was being selfish. He had shown her that he was capable of giving his love and of being her husband. But he could no longer live a life so filled with pain that he might be forced back into depending on drugs to survive.

With that revelation, Alana’s ability to face the world had returned. But she had not been ready to begin running Riverbend or take back the reins of the shipping company.

Instead of checking the plantation’s accounts, or doing any of the hundred things she might, she would leave the house in the morning and go over to the horse-breeding pens that had been empty for so long. There she would gaze at the large roan stallion that had arrived on the day the breeder had promised. She would watch him for hours, taking in his majestic bearing and admiring the rippling muscles beneath his shiny coat.

She would watch him and find herself pinning her dreams on his sleek back, knowing that within the year the first of a new breed would rise at Riverbend. Then she would go see the mare, they kept apart from the stallion until breeding time.

When they mated, she decided she would leave them together as much as possible until the female was near her foaling time. Alana wanted to add more mares, but she would not do so until she saw the first offspring of these two wondrous horses.

At noon, Alana would go to the stable. She would spend the rest of the day riding in the fields, thinking about Jason and about Rafe. Alana did not believe she was sullying Jason’s memory by her thoughts of Rafe, and those thoughts helped her regain her strength and purpose once again, for Rafe’s image in her eyes was always one of strength and beauty.

Once she had reconciled herself to what had happened, the healing of her heart and mind began to speed along with the passing days until she could no longer sit back and do nothing. Then the day had finally come when she was ready to join the world and take control of her life once again.

That was why she was now standing on the veranda waiting for Charles Ledoque’s arrival. He was late, and a restless energy filled Alana.

Turning, she called out for Lorelei. When Lorelei appeared, Alana told her to inform Mr. Ledoque that she would be at the breeding pens and would wait for him there.

Leaving the veranda, Alana walked the five hundred feet to the breeding area. When she got there, the stallion, now very used to her, came over and pushed his muzzle against her arm.

Smiling at him, she dipped her hand into the hidden pocket in her skirt, withdrawing a piece of carrot. She opened her hand and the stallion took it from her palm. After he chewed it, he lifted his head and whinnied as the mare entered the breeding pen.

“Magnificent stud” said Ledoque, his voice startling her for an instant. Recovering quickly, she turned to smile warmly at him.

“Yes, he is,” she replied.

“I’m sorry I am late, but I had a slight problem before I left Charleston this morning.”

“Time isn’t as important here as it is in Charleston,” Alana responded with understanding. “Shall we go to the house?” Ledoque gallantly offered her his arm. She accepted with a smile, but they did not speak until they reached the house and went into her study.

Lorelei had already set out a decanter of sherry. Ledoque poured the sherry into the two glasses, handed Alana one, and lifted the other.

“To a remarkable woman,” he toasted.

Alana felt suddenly uncomfortable under his probing gaze. “I don’t think I’m very remarkable.”

“Take my word for it, Alana, you are. Very few women could have gone through what you have and come out the better for it.”

Blushing at his words, Alana smiled her thanks to him as she sipped the sherry; however, she knew that if she were as remarkable as he said, she would not have been so helpless over the past months.

“You asked that I come to see you about business, did you not?” Charles said, graciously changing the subject.

“Yes,” she responded as she put down her glass. “Charles, I find I must impose on you a little while longer.”

“You will never be an imposition, Alana. And it is definitely no imposition to advise you on your business affairs.”

“You are very kind,” she said honestly, “and a good friend, too. Charles,” she began after taking a breath, “I need you to continue as the agent for Landow Shipping. I do not feel confident yet to assume its control.”

When she finished speaking, she saw Ledoque’s features change, and she believed she saw a slight frown that he did not quite manage to hide. “What is it?” she asked.

Ledoque looked at her for several seconds, before he slowly shook his head. “If I had not received your letter, I would have been forced to come to you anyway. You see, Alana, Landow Shipping has suffered several setbacks in the past months. I have not sent word of them because of your own tragic loss, but I fear I must tell you now.”