Alayziah II: When Loving Him is Complicated

Ambiance Books Presents

ALAYZIAH:

When Loving Him is Complicated

Part 2

B. Love

Sacramento, California

www.moreambiancebooks.com

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2016 B. Love

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For more information, please contact the publisher.

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Alayziah

To the left of me sat Marcel, Jabari, Jessica, and my work mother, Pam. To the right of me sat Alex’s mother, his father, and his brother Terrance. My eyes were puffy and red from crying, but my sight was good enough to see Carmen standing over Alex’s casket crying and acting a plum fool. My legs shook and I found myself counting to twenty – three didn’t work, and ten didn’t either. I was praying that by the time I made it twenty my desire to kill her and dump her in the casket with him would have subsided, but the louder her cries got the angrier I became. She was so fucking fake – so was he, but as much as I hated that about him, I loved him even more. His mother’s hand found mine and she looked at me with a smile. I turned my head slightly and smiled at her, wondering how she could be sitting here so strong and at peace as she buried her youngest son. I guess the Lord was definitely her strength.

Carmen started to moan and groan and I laughed. Alex’s brother, Terrance, leaned forward and stared at me. I looked at him and begged him with my eyes to give me permission to beat this bitch’s ass. He looked from his mother and father, and back to me and nodded his head slowly. I jumped up and ran towards her, but before I could get to her, I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and lift me up and I knew it was Jabari.

“Let me go!” I yelled, but he didn’t listen.

I watched as Terrance grabbed Carmen by her hair and dragged her out of the church. As
ewws
and
oh my God’s
filled the church I followed behind Terrance and Carmen, with Jabari, Jessica, Pam, and Marcel following behind me.

Carmen

“Let me go, Terrance! I just brought this weave!” I yelled as I tried to free myself from Terrance’s grip with no success.

He had a firm grip on my hair and wasn’t letting me go. I couldn’t believe this nigga embarrassed me like this. I was pouring my heart out to my husband and Terrance and his puppet Alayziah just had to ruin our moment. It was because she was jealous and mad because Alex didn’t leave me for her. Yes, he served me with divorce papers, but he was always going to be mine. Nothing but death was going to separate Alex and I, and I made sure of that.

Terrance and I never really got along. He felt like I wasn’t any good for Alex, but he was crazy about Alayziah. Just like his lying, unfaithful, and unappreciative brother, Alex. I couldn’t even sit with his mother because her ass was sitting next to her, and when I finally had the chance to say goodbye to Alex she had to go and ruin it trying to run up on me. Now, Terrance had almost ripped my scalp from my skull dragging me out of the church. I swear I hated them both.

“Stay your ass away from my family, Carmen,” Terrance said as he released me.

“Nigga, you don’t tell me what to do! Today isn’t about you. It’s about my husband and I have just as much of a right to pay my respects as you do.”

He chuckled and placed his hands in his pockets as he licked his lips at me. “Carmen, get your crazy ass on before I let Al get on you.”

“Fuck you and that bitch! I ain’t scared of her!”

“Bitch, you ain’t gotta be scared of her, I’ll beat your ass!” the little chick that was with Alayziah yelled as a man who favored her held her back.

They looked like they could be related. Alayziah stood there smiling with her hands crossed over her chest. Just the sight of her repulsed me. All I could think about was my baby wanting her instead of me.

“Bitch, what the fuck are you looking at?” I asked, grabbing my keys from out of my purse.

As much as I wanted to, they weren’t going to let me back in. I was just glad I decided against bringing my kids to the funeral.

“Shit,” Alayziah replied, handing the older woman that was with them her purse.

“Alayziah, chill the hell out. You not gone be outside of this church fighting,” the guy that was holding the younger girl said. He had the prettiest eyelashes I’d ever seen.

“Then follow me across the street, Carmen. I owe you an ass whooping. I told you next time I saw you I was gone be on you, didn’t I?”

Alayziah was so calm that I couldn’t help but laugh. I couldn’t even take her little skinny self seriously.

“Alayziah, I have no reason to fight you, honey. Alex was my husband. I had him – you were just the side chick.”

She laughed as she tried to take a step towards me, but the other guy that was with her grabbed her arm.

“Not here, best friend,” he said, staring at me like he wanted to hit me himself.

“Listen to me good, Carmen… Alex may have given you a ring but that ring was nothing but a chain on his finger. All you had was his last name and I know you didn’t even have that when he died. I had his heart. Marrying you was a mistake. You can front and make it seem like he wanted you before he died if you want to, but you know the truth and I know the truth, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“Fuck you!” I yelled, walking towards her, but when I saw Terrance and the guy who called her best friend square up at me, I stopped. I wasn’t going to win that fight, so I let that shit go
for now.

Alayziah

“Allie cat, I swear I’ll get that bitch for you! All you gotta do is take me to her and I’m on her for you, baby, I swear!”

I smiled at Jessica. She was a little firecracker. We were leaving the church and I didn’t want to be alone so I asked her to ride with me. I’d calmed down but she was still mad about the situation with Carmen. Jabari was following behind us and we were headed to the restaurant to eat. Honestly, all I wanted to do was go home, crawl into my bed and sleep. I couldn’t bear seeing them lower Alex in the ground. I just… wanted to sleep to see if I could see him in my dreams.

“Aight, pretty girl. You better watch your mouth. You know Jabari don’t play.”

“Mane, fu— forget Jabari. I ain’t thinking about him right now. I’m worried about you.”

I looked over at her and smiled again to reassure her. “I’m okay, Jess. I know it’s going to take some time to get him out of my system, but I’ll be fine.”

“I can’t imagine how you feel right now. I can tell you really loved him, and to lose him before you ever really even had a chance to be with him…”

Jessica looked out of her window and shook her head at the thought, giving me the perfect opportunity to dab away the tears that were filling my eyes. God, I missed him so much already.

Carmen

I can’t even lie; she had the cutest little snore. I guess she was really tired because a few minutes after she laid down she was asleep. When her snores stopped, and I knew she was deep in her sleep, I stepped out of her closet and walked over to her bed. I’d been watching her sleep for hours before my feet got tired. I found myself caressing her skin, her hair, trying to figure out what it was about her that made Alex want to leave me. She was attractive, but so was I. I sat on the side of her bed and inhaled her scent. Her neck smelled fruity, and her hair did too. My hands found their way under her shirt, but I quickly removed them and stood when she moaned. I bet she was dreaming about him.
Bitch
.

Alayziah

I never would’ve imagined that it would have taken losing Alex for me to realize just how much I loved to love. The idea of love – relationship, companionship, romance – I craved it. Now, because I was so hungry for love, I let any nigga come into my life and feed me, but just like how you couldn’t eat from everyone’s kitchen – you couldn’t mess off with every man that crossed your path. I was outside with rain pounding my skin, lying on top of a man’s grave because I was an addict. I was addicted to love. I craved that shit. Just as someone craved crack or vodka, I craved love. I need it. The way their skin itched and ached without it, so did mine. Just like they would give their body and soul for a hit, so would I. I need… no, I needed… I needed love. I needed love to feel. I needed love to feel complete.

Since love was my drug, men were my suppliers. Anything they asked me to do, I did. Anything they wanted from me, I gave. Whatever they needed to hear, I said because I knew if I satisfied them, they would satisfy me.
I thought they would fill me when they would feel me and satisfy the longings I had buried deep down inside, but their deep strokes could never reach it no matter how hard they tried.

Now, six months after Alex’s death, I had given up on love. I had given up on relationships. I didn’t trust these niggas. I didn’t want these niggas. I damn sure wasn’t trying to love these niggas. All I wanted from a man, at this point in my life, was that gift between his thighs that I lacked. Other than that, there was nothing that a man could offer me that I couldn’t give or buy myself. I was tired of taking losses. I was tired of being lied to and led on, picked over. I guess I was going through life in rehab, avoiding my drug, trying to get clean and free, and trying to find peace.

Keeping my word to my grandmother, I re-enrolled into college to finish out my last two years. When I get my degree in Creative Writing, I planned on teaching. I was still writing poetry and performing. In fact, I wanted to do a poetry CD and DVD. There was a chick here in Memphis that did something like what I was trying to do a while ago. Her name is Kailani. I was supposed to link up with her after I took Jessica shopping.

Jessica was like a little sister to me. Even though things didn’t work out between Jabari and me, I could never turn my back on her. With me losing my mother and her losing her sister it was like that connected us to each other somehow. She had been filling me in about him and this chick he called himself being in a relationship with. I wished him nothing but the best. Jabari was a great man, but I learned that every good man or woman wasn’t the man or woman for you. I learned that I wasn’t for everybody, and mine wasn’t meant for
every
man’s body.