Albatross (18 page)

“A little jumpy, aren’t you, Burns?” Samantha said and smiled.

“You know it’s been more than three and a half years. You might want to call me Alex,” Burns continued as he wrapped up the first rigging, tested the connections, and then moved on to the emergency backup generator about thirty feet away.

Samantha followed and began her questions. “Is the laptop in your car?”

“Yes. Be a lookout and watch out for me so I can focus on this,” Burns requested.

“Are you going to ask me nicely?” she toyed.

He ignored her except to say, “David may think I have changed from a sinner to a saint, but I can still kill you.”

“Oh, I know you are a sinner, but you have done more than kill me,” she said quietly. Burns was not going to fall for the obvious trap she had set.

A burst of heat welled up and broke out on his scalp as sweat emerged on his forehead. He knew his face was red with embarrassment, and he knew she knew. That was another thing he could no longer control; he had difficulty containing such autonomic responses as sweating when he was nervous, smiling and laughing when he was happy, and anger when he was pissed. He attempted to pretend that he was unaffected. And that was when he turned, and she was smiling.

“Fuck you.” That was it. That was the best his covert, counterterrorist, and espionage training could come up with.

“I think you did a couple of times.” He never could win against her. Of all the people on the planet, this group of people had wormed their way into his life and given him meaning. David was his friend. Samantha was his lover. Becky his sister, and Emma … well, Emma was everyone’s baby. Burns did find it amusing that it required trauma, brain injury, and a need for drastic actions to pull everything apart and put it solidly together again. Big risk meant big gain. Burns trusted these people with his life, and their investment in the mission’s success was more than he had ever seen before in any operation. But he was probably the most anxious. Bad things happened to good people.

As if she was reading his mind, Samantha said, “Strongest steel goes through the hottest flame.”

“How do you know when I am worried?” he asked as he wrapped up and tested the second rigging on the backup generator.

“You get all quiet and reflective,” she said simply. Burns continued with his wiring. He had done this a million times before in his past life. It was like breathing. It was easy for his mind to wander when he did simple tasks as these. Burns smiled as he fondly recalled how things changed for him and Samantha.

How they had ended up lovers was surprising. He was sure she hated him in the beginning.
With good reason
, he always thought. Samantha had always been the person to interface with him at critical junctions of the planning phase over the course of nearly four years. As she spent more time with him doing surveillance and ultimately sharing motel and hotel rooms, he found himself attracted to her. But it was very different. It wasn’t just that she was physically attractive. It was something about her as a person. Burns did something he was sure he had never done in the past: he did not act on his impulses to just have sex with her. Burns did not make any advances. Burns was sure that behavior was new. As time went on, they would eat most of their meals together. He picked up on her likes and dislikes in food, such as her fondness for spicy foods and her disdain of rice pudding. He noticed she spent a lot of time putting makeup on, even when they were just going to be in the car. Burns marveled at her endless enjoyment of romantic movies as he desperately tried to sleep at night. Above all though, he could see that she always fought falling asleep. And finally, when she did, she would first sleep soundly and then wake up almost startled and ready to fight.

Then, after fourteen months of staying at a series of low-end motels, just as he felt he was getting closer to his target’s new hiding spot, Samantha got sick. It started out as a cold and then turned into the flu. Still, even though he let her sleep and stay back at the motel to rest, she was not improving. He broke his own protocol to get some advice from David as adjunct to his own first-aid knowledge. Ultimately, Burns had to stay with her. When she was burning up with fever, he placed her in cool baths. When she needed assistance in keeping hydrated and eating what little she could, Burns was there. He physically carried her to the bathroom, changed the sheets, and helped change her clothes. This was a major departure from how Burns remembered himself. It was as if he was watching someone. She initially fought him, but she had no strength. He could tell it was hard for her to let someone take care of her back then.

Samantha was really ill and down for seven days. Burns was surprised that he seemed to not mind that he was not hunting his prey. He tried to convince himself that he needed “his partner” to be healthy and that’s why he was so attentive. Again, Burns had no memory of taking care of anyone else but himself.
Did I have anyone in my life to care for?
he had often wondered. The last three nights were her worst. Burns could tell that Samantha’s breathing was labored, so he pushed the beds together and had her sleep with her head and chest elevated so he could make sure she was breathing. He also prayed. Samantha seemed to rest more quietly with background noise. The praying seemed to soothe her.
It had to be the sounds of a human voice that calmed her
, he was sure. Finally, she was better and started to recovery quickly. Burns felt different about her. He had always liked her attitude and her intelligence, but he found her “sweet.” An unusual word for her, he knew, but she was sweet and vulnerable. Once she was fully recovered, he thought things would get back to normal, but they didn’t.

For three weeks, Samantha seemed quiet and distant. At the same time, she wore more provocative clothes and pretty revealing lingerie at night. She started to shower with the door open as well. All of this was new. Burns made all attempts to just go on as normal—that is until he made the “big mistake” of bringing her her favorite breakfast sandwich. She had seemed more distant the night before, so he thought he would get her something special to eat. It was easy to remember her favorite meal. Burns found her choice of breakfast sandwiches revolting.

There she was, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at her egg and cheese bagel with mustard and ketchup, muttering.

“What? Did you say something?” Burns asked. He could barely hear her.

“You got me my favorite sandwich!” Samantha said more clearly and with more force than needed or expected.

Burns must have looked confused. Suddenly, he felt his scars starting to itch, mostly the ones near his scalp, but he felt them radiating to his arms.

Samantha closed the wrapping on her sandwich and sat straight up as she seemingly collected her thoughts.

“Are you gay?” she asked.

Burns was totally confused.
Why would she ask me if I’m gay? Over a sandwich,
he thought.

“Um … no.” Burns answered. He kept it short so he could try to figure out if Samantha was just crazy.

Suddenly, Samantha stood up and ran fingers through her hair, as she was obviously distressed and trying to put what was bothering her into words. Finally, she stopped and looked Burns in the eyes. He always marveled at her eyes—one blue and one light brown. She always seemed to keep them covered with sunglasses.
Except recently
, he realized.

“Okay. Look. I don’t know what you want. You help me get better. You take care of me. I offer you something in return, and you don’t seem interested. Are you gay or just weird?”

Burns was silent for a moment. All his years as a logistical specialist and a counterintelligence field agent were called upon to figure out what she was saying. Finally, it hit him. The provocative clothes, sexy lingerie, leaving the shower door open—
Shit. I really suck at this,
he thought.

Burns closed his eyes to find the right words. He felt he needed to get this right if he was going to survive.

“Samantha, I’m not gay. I am attracted to you. I helped you because you needed help. You were sick. Just like you helped me when I was at the hospital. You don’t have to repay me with sex.”

Burns waited. She looked at him, confused.
Did I screw this up?
he wondered.

Burns felt relieved when he saw her face suddenly soften, and she sat back down on the bed as she picked up her sandwich.
Oh, great. I embarrassed her
, he feared.
Why do I care?
he thought. She quietly reopened the wrapper and took a bite of her breakfast sandwich. After a long moment and two more bites, she finally spoke.

“Thank you,” she said quietly.

Burns returned to his cup of coffee and thanked God that he could just take a bite of his own croissant and forget about the whole event when she uttered her next question.

“So … you’re attracted to me?” he heard her ask.

Burn slowly turned. He could feel her eyes on him. All his scars were ablaze and itching. He knew his face was red with blush. He slowly looked at her face. Burns could only describe the smile as “evil,” or maybe it was more of a “leer.” Whatever the smile was, it conveyed more sexuality than he had experienced in years.
Maybe ever.
Burns still couldn’t remember if he had ever been in love before.

Burns turned away and said, “I’ll get the car ready,” and then he walked out through the door as if the room was on fire.

As he walked briskly out of the room, he heard Samantha call out, “We’re not done with this!”

Burns remembered turning the corner and leaning against the wall. He couldn’t tell if he was excited or frightened.
Is this lust or more?
he thought.

“Get focused, Burns,” he said to himself. He started to focus on today’s coordinates.

The day went on, and Samantha seemed to be herself. Actually, Burns thought she seemed happy. As the weeks passed, Burns could see a significant change in her behaviors. She asked him questions about his past. That was hard because he could only clearly recall missions and assignments and nothing personal. Rather than watching her movies, she would turn on documentaries about “special operations” and military missions. She asked him questions about it. He was not sure if she was really interested in what he said, but she seemed to be. Then the day came when he got word from David and Becky that they had refined the search pattern and found a more likely area that needed to be investigated. After a week, they caught a break and spotted some very familiar personnel and what appeared to be a major breakthrough with the operations center. After a short amount of time, Burns confirmed that the lead was solid and the location “probable.”

On his way back to the motel, Burns felt good. He decided to get a bottle of wine and flowers. Not roses or anything serious.
Just a small gift for Samantha for all her help
, he reasoned. Burns found that he didn’t seem to like alcohol. He did notice that Samantha did like red wine.

He was feeling almost elated when he could smell something cooking in his room. It was the smell of cooked chicken. As he opened the door, he was hit with the wonderful odor of a cooked meal as it was being placed on the counter. Samantha turned to see him, and Burns saw her smile.

Then her eyes looked at his hands.

“Flowers? For me?” she asked

Burns had to refocus as he pulled himself away from the sight and smells of a chicken dinner.
She must have found a place that specializes in gourmet cooking,
Burns thought.

By the time he had shifted focus to Samantha, she was inches away from his face. She had the flowers in her hands, and she leaned up to kiss him on the lips. It was a soft kiss, and Burns felt “warm” and close. As she pulled away, he saw her stop again and look deeply in his eyes. Burns held her so she couldn’t move away. She didn’t resist. Burns couldn’t remember ever feeling spellbound and connected. She moved closer and kissed him again. The last thing Burns remembered from that kiss was his putting the bottle of wine down before he dropped it and his pulling Samantha firmly into him.
I’ve never felt this before,
he thought to himself.

Days together watching for clues and close surveillance would lead into nights of lovemaking that Burns could only describe as “powerful.” His own feelings were actually clear to him. He now attributed every deviation from his prior behavior to either the brain injury or the treatment or both. Just to confirm his thoughts, he asked David if and why Samantha might be attracted to him.

David was more reflective and clinical about it. He pointed out that Samantha had always had a “thing” for him, which had started the first time she had seen him at the hospital being victimized by the hospital staff. She then went out of her way to get treatment for him, which eventually led to David’s therapy. What made Burns different to Samantha, David speculated, was the fact that Burns had changed from a cold, calculating instrument of law enforcement to a vulnerable human being who had started praying. Burns noticed David hesitate, but then David told him what he thought the turning point for Samantha. “The day she overheard your noon benedictions praying for ‘the sheep in your care and especially Emma,’ she was moved. There was an even deeper meaning for her. I think she believed that if you could change, she could too.”