Alejandro (4 page)

Queen_V:
Because they won’t sleep with you, right? LOL!

Ryan3298:
Typical black chick ignorance. I stated the fact that I haven’t dated a black girl in a while and instead of listening to my words you misinterpreted them
Queen_V:
LOLOLOLOL! You are the one that took offense to the ‘fact’ that I don’t want you and then decided to call me a hater. Then you proceeded to say that ALL women in California are lower caliber, but YOU aren’t being ignorant? Do all the Cali women a favor and leave us alone.

Ryan3298:
Seems like you have some brains unlike the others. Thanks for being such a bitch. Have a good day.

Queen_V:
Thanks for the laughs :)

***

CaliCoolinIt:
You are stunning. Damn.

Queen_V:
Lol Thank you. How are you?

CaliCoolinIt:
So you like white guys?

Queen_V:
Nope. Hate ‘em. Lol Ur the third guy to ask me that. It’s an odd question. If I had a problem with dating outside my race I wouldn’t have responded to you at all.

CaliCoolinIt:
Cool. I’m goin downtown to party tonight. Wanna go?

Queen_V:
No I’m not in the club mood. Thanks for asking tho :)

CaliCoolinIt:
Ok. I’d rather chill and watch a movie but some guys at work asked me so

Queen_V:
I understand :)

CaliCoolinIt:
You ever listen to Wiz Khalifa? He’s my cousin

Queen_V:
Uh... I don’t listen to rap music too much

CaliCoolinIt:
Thas cool

Queen_V:
...

***

RacksonRacks:
U seen like a nice female I love to get too kno

Queen_V:
...

***

Queen_V:
You’re hilarious Will :P It’s been great talking to you the last few days. You made my work day go by so much quicker.

wErikson:  
I’m glad :) So you’re done with work for today?

Queen_V:
Yep. Do you have work tonight?

wErikson:
Yes. I’ll be slaving away in the kitchen. You should come by the restaurant and say hi

Queen_V:
That would be weird lol Hanging around the bar alone, waiting for you

wErikson:
Nah It won’t be weird

Queen_V:
I’d rather we both go to a restaurant together, you know, after you pick me up from my place ;)

wErikson:
Me too. I wish I could. To be honest, I can’t because my license is suspended rite now.

Queen_V:
Why is it suspended? :(

wErikson:
I got a dui last September.

Queen_V:
Wow. That’s crazy.

wErikson:
Not really. People get them all the time.

Queen_V:
lol Nobody I know has had a dui.

wErikson:
Well, I learned my lesson. I won’t do it again.

Queen_V:
...

wErikson:
I’m a good guy, but I do like to drink a little bit. I don’t do drugs. I’m an honest dude. But if that’s a problem for you then its ok

Queen_V:
I’m sorry but I have my reservations about a man your age getting into that kind of mess.

wErikson:
Nice talking to you.

Queen_V:
...

***

FruitSalad1:
My goal is to come at u in a whole different perspective. In other words simply be Organic. I’m here to earn your attention.. these mere moments are going to seem like temporary forever as my creativity comes down. I’m hoping right now I can succeeds ur highest formOf admiration, I’m a connoisseur that’s very sure that you will admire my efforts. Please don’t discriminate or judge me, but judge me on my content of my approach.. DJ

Queen_V: ...

***

LitlPiggie:
Hey how are you doing? You have some nice pictures... We should talk and get to know each other. I would like to see your feet. I know they are pretty.

Queen_V:
LOL!!!!

***

NicePhil:
Sexy black woman :)

Queen_V:
Thank you. You are a handsome black man yourself. You and your sister come from good stock lol

NicePhil:
lol That’s not my sister. That’s my wife in the picture.

Queen_V:
Oh. ???

NicePhil:
My wife and I are looking for a sexy woman like you that we can wine and dine and spoil.

Queen_V:
Seriously?! Where in my profile did it say I wanted to be in a relationship with a married man and woman! I’m officially done with this. Deuces.

Four

Brooke gasped for air as she wiggled with laughter and spun around in her desk chair, tears in her eyes. “Haaahahaha! How is Wiz Khalifa his cousin? Isn’t Wiz Khalifa black? Oh my God! Hahahaha! My stomach hurts!”

Veronica was certain that every customer and staff in the boutique could hear Brooke cackling away in her office. Brooke’s store was always packed with people on the weekends. “I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried, Brooke.” Forlorn, Veronica flipped through a wholesale aromatherapy candle catalog.

“Why didn’t you ask him? Now it’s an unsolved mystery. Hahaha!”

“Who cares? They’re all liars. If they aren’t liars, then they’re honest but unattractive. And then the cute ones are dumb. The nice ones are usually too short for me! I cannot date someone who is 5 foot 6! I just can’t! That’s not me being superficial. That’s physics. Sprinkled in are some serious sex addicts and crazies. One was old enough to be my granddaddy.” Veronica covered her mouth and pretended to hold back vomit. Brooke added some dry heave sound effects. Veronica snickered, then returned to her story of disappointment. “Guys aren’t even reading my profile. The few men that do read it ignore what they don’t want to hear and find some detail to make a sexual double entendre out of.”

“Boys will be boys.”

“Apparently women are no better. Those swingers broke the camel’s back. I hid my profile from all searches immediately.” She sighed. “I have not gotten one single date this month from that site. Let’s face it. There are no good men in the whole world who would want to be with me.”

“If that’s what you think, why didn’t you just delete your profile?” A knowing smirk tugged at Brooke’s mouth. “Hmmm?”

Veronica shrugged. “I needed a break first, to think about it. I mean, maybe I need to be more patient, and give it more time.”

“Aha! See? You still have hope. That’s all you need. Believe and you shall receive.”

She nodded, rubbed her jean-clad knees. “Which disciple said that?”

“Oprah Winfrey, I think. Help me pick out some new candles and then we can go get a hot cinnamon roll.”

“Yummm.”

“And some bread and butter pickles.”

Veronica looked up from the catalog and stared wide-eyed at Brooke who started blushing. “Brooke...You’re pregnant again?”

“Pretty sure.”

“Brooke!” Veronica shrieked with glee.

“Shhhh! I don’t want anyone else to know yet. It’s still too soon to get everyone’s hopes up. I’m getting older and—”

“Don’t say that. Everything will be fine. Another babyyyy.  Aww, I’m so excited. And jealous. And excited.”

“I love you, Nica. You’ve been my friend through so much.”

Veronica walked around the desk and embraced her friend. “You’re my bestie. Of course.” She seated herself again.

“Let me help you, Nica. Please, please, please let me arrange another blind date.”

“Oh
hellllll
no.”

“I didn’t know a lazy eye was a deal breaker for you!”

“Eyes. Lazy eyes, plural.”

“I set that date up ten years ago! I won’t make the same mistake again.”

“Right. You’ll make a new one.” Veronica laughed.

“Whatever. I’m tired of your typical, black chick ignorance.”

Veronica stuck out her tongue. “Screw you.”

Brooke giggled. “I’m just messin’ with ya. I like the lavender candles on the left page. The floral design carved into the wax is fabulous, Nica. But seriously, let me play matchmaker.”

“No.”

***

The three registers open at the local BigMart had checkout lines half a mile long. Veronica only had two items, a four-pack of toilet tissue and an eyebrow pencil, but the so-called express line was not moving expeditiously at all. In fact, it seemed to be moving slower than the other two lines. She picked a line at random and took her spot at the end of it. Five minutes later, she was standing in that exact same spot.

The man at the front of the line finally swiped his credit card. The cashier told him the card was declined. The man proceeded to swipe his card three more times.

 “Never get behind me in a line,” the older woman in front of Veronica said over her shoulder. “Lord, I always pick the slowest one.” Her salt and pepper hair was in gray micros, and Veronica gathered she worked for the city since she wore a collared shirt with a gold San Diego seal patch on the front.

“It’s not you. BigMart never hires enough cashiers. It’s how they keep the prices down. But I’d pay twenty cents more for this toilet paper if it meant I could get out of here before the hair above my lip grows back in.” Veronica readjusted the toilet paper rolls against her hip.

“Ha! Well, maybe I should shut up then ‘cause I need that extra twenty cents.” The older woman laughed. “Shoot. Let’s be real. And I stopped shaving my lil’ mustache years ago. Take it or leave it. That’s what I say. I don’t play ‘round with mens no more. It is what it is, baby! If you can’t handle it, there’s the door!”

“Yes, ma’am,” Veronica said, laughing. “Tell it.”

The woman shook her head. “Don’t get me started, don’t get me started.”  

The man at the head of the line reluctantly put his useless credit card away and paid in cash. The line inched forward. The next customer took forever to dig through her huge purse, eventually pulling out a pen and a checkbook, triggering a collective groan throughout the line. Veronica giggled at everyone’s reaction. Ten minutes later, all amusement ceased; she was now only in the middle of the line.

Bored and irritated, Veronica took her cell phone out and accessed her apps. She clicked on the Plenty-of-People app she’d downloaded a few week ago, ready to make her profile visible again. Before she could do so, she noticed there was one new message in her inbox. “How did that happen?” she muttered. “How did he see my profile?” She then noticed that the timestamp of the message indicated it was sent to her two nights ago, a few minutes before she hid her profile. “Just snuck by.” The preview picture of the sender was an image of a single red rose. Veronica’s mouth twitched. People with inanimate objects as profile pictures were overwhelmingly perverts. With a sigh, she opened the message. What she read made her laugh out loud, in a good way.

Al79V:
You’re a beautiful woman, so I’ve gotta let you know, for your own safety, that all cats are demonically possessed. True story. You’d be safer with a Rottie. My dog Splenda can vouch for that.

She wanted to answer him back that moment but she hated using her phone’s touchscreen to type. She’d reply once she was home. In the meantime, she looked over Al79V’s profile.

Username:
Al79V

Age:
34

City:
Sacramento, CA

Height:
6’ 2”

Ethnicity:
Hispanic

Education:
Bachelor’s Degree

Profession:
Distribution manager

Intent:
Friends

Religion:
Catholic

Body type:
Athletic

Sign:
Scorpio

About Me:

I work out, I have a good job, I own a home, I pay my taxes, and I’ve never been to jail, ladies lol I have morals and I show women respect. Family always comes first. I’d die for my family. What I’m looking for is a genuine relationship with a good woman. That’s hard to find these days, so I’m taking a chance with this online dating thing. Why won’t I upload a picture of myself? No, I’m not hideous. I’m trying to get to know the real you. No reservations. It’s important to be friends first before getting serious. I learned that the hard way. Get to know me, the person. Then I’ll give you the world. 

Veronica reread the profile three more times while waiting in the checkout line. Each time she felt a strange tingle in her stomach. He sounded like a smart, decent, confident guy. Yet, how confident could he possibly be? He wasn’t willing to show any pictures of himself. This mystery man, “Al”, wanted to be friends with her first, to know the real her. That sounded sweet. But it could also mean he was a bitter paranoid man who wanted to be in control. It was hard to tell. A tossup. He’d already managed to make her laugh though. Veronica had to give him points for humor and originality. From a sea of male faces, something simpler had emerged. A single red rose and an offer of friendship.

***

Queen_V:
What did a little ol’ cat ever do to you?

Half an hour after sending the message, an invitation to chat popped up on her computer screen. It was from “Al”. She accepted the invitation and received the answer to her question.

Al79V:
Leave a scar on my ass cheek.

Queen_V:
Uhhhh, why were you waving your naked ass at a cat? Lol

Al79V:
My naked ass was in its owner’s bed so it bit me.

Queen_V:
‘Get off my mommy! Chomp!’ ROFL

Al79V:
Pretty much what happened. Glad one of us can laugh about it :/ lol