Alice in La La Land (24 page)

'Hey, Alice, I'm Zippy, come on back,' welcomed the casting woman, gripping her firmly by the elbow. 'What a gorgeous dress! That rose pattern is so adorable.' She threw up her hands in mock despair. 'Don't tell me, it's by an Australian designer I won't be able to get my hands on!'

Alice smiled. 'It is actually, but thank you very much for the compliment.'

'So polite!' she shouted to the enormous number assembled in the casting room ahead. 'Adorable!' She steered Alice into the centre of the room.

It was the largest audition space she had encountered so far, and tastefully furnished. The walls were tinted light brown and the sea grass carpet appeared new. It was crisp underfoot. Zippy's affairs were all in order in a tall set of timber shelves. Alice would not have been at all surprised to learn that Zippy moonlighted as a feng-shui instructor.

This was certainly the biggest crew she'd had to audition for in her entire career, including the ill-fated casting for the non-singing character in a Sydney musical a couple of years back. Conrad stood up and cleared his throat. He looked slim and shiny and radiated talent. Alice felt her heart thump painfully and forced herself to appear bright and casual and professional, all at once. She cocked her head to one side and raised an eyebrow in a way that she hoped would make her look both poised and ready for action. She could feel mucus dripping down the back of her throat. She swallowed and her ears clicked inside her skull with such force she was sure the others must have heard.

Conrad was wearing a baseball cap. Alice had never seen him wear one before and was sure it was somehow tied in to his new incarnation as Hollywood auteur. He spoke smoothly and with authority. 'Alice, hey, how are you? Like you to meet some people,' he began. 'This is Kevin, this is Akiva, this is Israel Goldman, Marty Sachs, Ron Sussman, Bitsy Freidman and Elijah Schwartzman.' Alice thought Conrad looked slightly uncomfortable in his cap, as if he were trying on a new style that didn't quite gel. There were still several people whose names he had omitted. She could see Brandon by the Mercedes Benz of all coffee machines, smiling sadly at her dress.

'See if you can remember all of those!' challenged
Zippy. She was a large, happy woman and wore her glasses low on her nose.

'Oh,' said Alice, 'you mean, Kevin, Akiva, Israel, Marty, Ron, Bitsy and Elijah?'

A couple of the assembled men clapped and Zippy slapped her knee. 'I swear, these Aussies!'

Alice felt a little like a performing seal and controlled her instinct to clap herself too.

Conrad looked pleased or relieved, but also uncomfortable, as though he wanted to get through the audition without incident. 'Well, why don't we get started, Alice, I've told everyone all about you,' he said, looking at her meaningfully. 'We're really looking forward to seeing this,' he added, waving his script. 'Right?'

'Ready when you are,' she replied evenly, and put down her satchel.

'Nice dress, Alice,' said Conrad quietly, as Zippy tweaked the camera.

He was close to her and she felt a thousand unsaid things painfully trapped in her throat. 'Thanks, Conrad.'

'But is it Colleen?' He smiled widely and wrinkled his nose, as if something smelled, then shook his head. Alice read the word Arri on his cap. She recognised it as a brand of camera equipment.

'Zippy likes it,' Alice answered, gathering her script pages.

'We ready, gang?' Zippy began, stepping forward. 'Alice, I'll be your reader, okay?'

'Sure,' Alice replied, putting her own script pages down onto the floor. She looked at Conrad and bowed her head in deference. What she was about to do would not require anyone to read opposite.

'That is not said right,' said the Caterpillar.
'Not quite right, I'm afraid,' said Alice timidly,
'some of the words have got altered.'

'It is wrong from beginning to end,' said the Caterpillar
decidedly, and there was silence for some minutes.

Lewis Carroll,
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

The room was silent as Conrad called 'action'. The suits sat forward eagerly on their seats. Alice looked up for a moment and caught sight of Brandon tapping away on his Blackberry at the back of the room.

'The balloons you delivered were brown!' exclaimed Zippy, as the irate customer. 'Is there any occasion that befits the delivery of one hundred brown balloons? We said berry balloons. Berry. Not brown.'

Alice was silent.

Zippy cleared her throat and gave the feed line again.

'We said berry balloons. Berry. Not brown.'

Alice remained silent.

'Alice?' Zippy asked finally. 'That's you, sweetie. You have your lines down, don't you?'

Alice could feel herself vibrating with the force of what was coming. 'I do, Zippy, I know the part of Colleen back to front and sideways. But here's the thing.' She looked up and clearly addressed the whole room as though she were
a public speaker in the town hall. 'I'm not Colleen, you know.' She paused. 'But . . . I am the best fit for Maisie you'll ever meet. Are you still rolling, Zippy?' Alice felt her adrenalin surge as she took control of the audition space.

'Scene fifty-five. Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting. Action.' She fell silent in order to focus. Alice decided to skip the interaction between Maisie and Colleen, which would have been altogether too strange, and launched straight into the monologue.

'Hi, I'm Maisie and I'm an alcoholic addict.' Alice's voice sounded clear and strong in her own ears, yet laced with the requisite undercurrent of desperation that both she, Alice, was feeling, and that she was quite sure she had in common with Maisie. 'This is my first day sober and it hurts like hell.' The room was utterly still. Alice looked around the imaginary church hall at the other imaginary addicts holding their imaginary cups of instant coffee. She could feel tears begin to prickle at the back of her throat. 'I ran over a dog when I was buzzed last night and that makes one more goddamned thing I have to atone for . . .'

The monologue was off to a great start. She switched gears, delving deeper into her emotional reservoirs to gather intensity. 'I've been awake all night, just praying for 9 am to roll around so I could get to this meeting and be here with you all. I swear, this is the only place I've felt safe.' Alice rocked back and forth to harness Maisie's pain. 'My friend, Colleen, brought me here today, and thank God she arranged to pick me up. See, after I ran down that dog, I crashed my car into a pole out front of my apartment and I haven't had the heart to arrange for its removal.'

Alice was vaguely aware of rumblings from the back of
the room, but was so involved in Maisie's world, it took a while for her to realise that several of the older men in her audience were less than pleased with her unorthodox decision to change characters.

'. . . waste of my fucking time, Conrad, this girl is cuckoo. Didn't you tell her that Maisie is as good as . . .?' one of them was saying.

'I did, of course I did,' Conrad stammered. 'What the fuck,' he said, under his breath. Alice had never heard him lose control in a professional context before, and a part of her was glad to see him crack. He stepped forward and called 'cut'. Alice paid no heed and kept on at a louder volume. She merely imagined that the other addicts were trying to prevent her from having her say. Alice wondered if this was what it was like to be insane.

'I had my first drink, age seven,' she proclaimed loudly, 'while my mom worked the nightshift of her second job cleaning airport bathrooms. There was no one to say "Put down the bottle, Maisie . . ."'

'Somebody call security, for fuck's sake,' Marty muttered. 'Get this fruitloop out of here and let's move on.'

'I've got it under control,' Conrad said, stepping forward and turning off the camera. Zippy looked shocked and moved aside.

'Shit, Alice. Stop!' Conrad hissed.

Alice continued doggedly with the speech. She now felt as though she were in a theatre sports competition with a very surly audience, and that the buzzer would go off at any moment, signifying her time was up.

'. . . except for my aunt, of course. Aunt Peggy was a glue-sniffer from way back, and she happened to be my
babysitter
, so you can imagine . . .' She was aware that Conrad was now manhandling her, forcibly removing her from Zippy's casting office. She shouted random words back over her shoulder as he steered her toward the door.

'Cunt,' she heard him say, just below his breath so no one else would hear. His fingers jabbed her spine and he quickly adopted a tone a health professional would reserve for patients experiencing their first psychotic break.

'That's it, Alice, that's fine. It was great you did that, but we've got all we need for now, okay? I had no idea you were under so much pressure, sweetheart. That's all fine, all done, all finished.' He took her gently by the arm and led her to the door.

Still in performance mode, Alice launched into the serenity prayer that concluded the scene. 'And the wisdom to know the difference!' she yelled as the door closed.

Once they were through the door, Conrad shoved Alice roughly into the centre of the waiting room, his fingers pinched hard into the soft flesh of her underarm.

Alice stopped performing. Conrad's breathing sounded ragged, as if keeping his cool had taken every morsel of self-control. He looked mortified, disgusted, as though he wanted to hit her. Alice leaned forward and flicked Conrad's Arri cap clean off his head.

He exploded. 'What is your fucking problem, Alice? Have you lost it?' His face was drained of colour and his eyes appeared black, like rocks in a pale sea. 'Now, I had to pull some serious strings to even get you in there and you throw it back in my face? Since when did you become so fucking . . . unprofessional?' he spat. He stared at her with unmasked hatred.

Alice felt the urge to vomit. She watched Conrad's hand jitter back and forth and guessed he was gagging for a cigarette.

'You're a fucking embarrassment,' he said quietly. 'You know that? You were an embarrassment in
Citrus Days
and you're still an embarrassment, fucking up
my work,
here in LA.' He stuffed his hand into the pocket of his Marc Jacobs jeans and withdrew some gum, toying with it in his restless fingers. 'Did you ever think the calibre of the performances may have had something to do with my play being canned,' he ranted, 'because some key members of the cast couldn't take direction properly? Didn't have the skill to convey the meaning of the work? It's more metaphysical aspects?' He unwrapped the gum and stuffed it into his mouth. 'It's your fault the play went tits-up, and you have the fucking gall to ask me to pay you back the
money?
Give me a break.' He was regaining his composure, continuing in a calmer tone. The gum seemed to have soothed his temper.

Alice felt an unspeakable pain in her chest she knew had nothing to do with her flu. 'Oh,' she said softly.

'And as if to prove my point, here you are, ignoring my direction again, behaving as though the world owes you a living. Poor Alice,' he sneered. He turned around and looked back at the casting room door. 'Nothing changes, does it, Alice? It always has to be all about you, doesn't it? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a film to cast.'

Zippy stuck her head round the doorway and held out Alice's satchel. 'You forgot this, hon.' The Vicks Vapor Rub fell out of the interior pocket and rolled to Alice's feet. She leaned forward numbly to pick it up. 'Conrad, I'm calling in Jo-Jo Harrison when you're ready,' said Zippy.

Alice looked around and saw the celery-haired actress seated behind her, grinning smugly like a Cheshire cat.

'So long, Alice,' Conrad smiled, as if they'd just concluded a friendly chat.

Jo-Jo stepped forward and picked up Conrad's baseball cap, revealing some impressive inches of cleavage.

'Thanks,' he said. 'Wanna come through, Jo-Jo?'

'I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being
drowned in my own tears!'

Lewis Carroll,
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

There wasn't a great deal to pack. Her luggage had never been entirely unpacked to begin with. Alice grabbed her stray possessions from around the room and shoved them on top of the piles still folded in her suitcase. She picked up her copy of Chekhov's
The Seagull
and tried to throw it in; it missed, landing neatly beside the script for
Looly Down Under
. Seeing the two works side by side reminded Alice how low she had descended.

'Where's my passport?' She wrenched the one dress she'd managed to hang by a hook on the back of the door, sending Neville's belts and necklaces flying. Her voice was choked and panicky; the sound of it scared her and Alice tried to focus on completing the task as quietly as she could. She wiped her nose on the back of her hand. The large grey cat appeared, keen to investigate the commotion. The fur around his head was matted with a sticky substance that may have been molasses or one of Shauna's face scrubs. Alice stared at it. For once it looked chastened and retreated with a strangled grunt.

Alice caught sight of the patent heels she'd worn to the races with Nick and felt a pang of regret. She'd promised
him she'd go straight back to the Secret Palms to celebrate her audition. With Conrad's words still ringing in her ears, she hadn't been able to face anyone. Clearly, she had behaved like a lunatic this morning. She was beginning to see the world quite differently. Perhaps everyone found her an embarrassment? She stuffed the heels further down into her case.

She had nearly completed her packing when she became aware of an insistent banging at the front of the apartment. Alice ignored it and went to search the bathroom for her fish oil tablets.

'Omega 3, very important for mental wellbeing.' She had so much adrenalin coursing through her system that her cold symptoms had evaporated.

'Alice, let me in!' yelled an Irish voice from the back steps. Alice heard the back door rattle. 'What the hell happened? Your phone's turned off; you've been with your ex-boyfriend all morning, what the hell was I supposed to think?' He paused. 'Alice, I know you're in there, your car's out the back.' He knocked again. 'I need to talk to you about something, for God's sake!'

Alice froze. She swallowed a lump of shame and took slow steps to the back door and opened it. She put her hand up in front of her face and waggled her fingers. The gesture left her feeling even more pathetic so she turned and headed back to the bedroom. She zipped her fish oil tablets into her makeup bag and placed it in the centre of her suitcase.

'What's going on? What happened?' he asked quietly.

'I'm just going to spare everyone, okay?' she managed to reply. It suddenly occurred to her that Nick might think
she was packing because she got the job, and she started laughing hollowly; it sounded like a toddler's hiccups.

'Alice, what the fuck is going on?' Nick demanded, standing in the bedroom doorway and staring at her, then at her suitcase.

'I'm going home,' she said finally, staring at the floor. 'It's done, it's over. I may as well get back to work in the cake shop.'

'Hold on a sec. Did you know that I . . . ?' he stopped talking and changed tack. 'But your audition?' he asked, scratching his head. 'Did you forget your lines or something?'

Alice looked up at him. He was wearing the holey T-shirt. Alice couldn't remember seeing him ever look so handsome and it hurt desperately to disappoint him. She looked back at the floor. 'Oh, I remembered my lines all right,' she mumbled. 'I even remembered the lines of characters I was never meant to play, and said them out loud until security was called and I was escorted from the premises.'

'What?'

Nick's question was interrupted by the sounds of giggling from the laundry. A male voice said, 'And that's when I said to De Niro, "Hell, you can come on
my
yacht this summer, and we can talk about it over a bottle of Cristal."'

Alice and Nick turned to see Shauna and Lenny now standing in the hall.

'Hey, Alice. I've missed you, homie,' said Shauna. She looked pale and her hair was messy. 'Where've you been?'

'Oh, you know, around and about,' Alice replied, looking from Shauna to Lenny. Lenny was sporting a
reddish tan. He wore sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt and
was furiously chewing his trademark gum.

'What're you guys up to?' Alice asked.

'Lenny's been real nice going into bat for me for
Dorothy Navigator
, Alice. Looks like I might even be signing a contract real soon.' Shauna smiled down at Lenny who was a good three inches shorter than she was.

'Really, Lenny? Nice. Generous,' said Alice nodding thoughtfully. 'But . . . I guess I'm just wondering how it is that today's
Variety
reports Angelina Jolie is confirmed for that very job?'

Shauna looked confused.

'Front page,' said Alice sympathetically.

'No,' Shauna said, shaking her head. 'You said that they said she's not bankable anymore . . .' she addressed the top of Lenny's head.

'Not bankable, Lenny?' scoffed Alice. 'Her last film took over one hundred million dollars at the box office. She's possibly the most sought-after actress in Hollywood.' Alice could hear insistent drumming in her left ear. Lenny continued to chew gum and seemed completely unruffled. He even slipped a possessive hand on Shauna's behind.

'Lenny,' Alice sighed, taking a step forward. 'I'm sorry, mate. You need your bum booted.'

Lenny laughed so hard his chewing gum flew out. 'Huh?' he hooted. 'Who's gonna kick my ass? Some fat nobody from Down Under?'

Alice bristled. She heard Shauna's sharp intake of breath.

'Alice,' Nick warned.

'Yeah, I think I might,' Alice replied, stepping closer and staring down at him. Even with his cowboy boots, he
was still an inch shorter. Who teamed cowboy boots with a Hawaiian shirt anyway?

'Let me tell you something,' Alice heard herself saying. 'If you continue to string my friend along with your lies and bullshit I'm going to totally lose it. Now, I've had a really shitty morning, and I'm just going to ask you to leave. Is that cool, Shauna?' She gestured to her friend. 'I need a word with my mate about why she's seeing someone who A, left her to get nearly murdered by a psycho cab driver, and who B, keeps telling fibs about a film that according to
Variety
is as good as cast.' She paused and took a deep breath to control her growing disgust. 'Now, please, get the fuck out of here before I go completely mental and someone has to call the cops.'

Alice was aware that Nick was standing close behind her and she felt backed up by his presence.

'Your friend's a fuckin' wack job, Shauna. I'm outta here. Comin'?'

He paused confidently and held out a stubby hand. Shauna shook her head. 'Nuh-uh, Lenny,' she said in a small voice. 'I'm going to check out
Variety
online and see what's up. By the way, if you call my friend another shitty name I'm going to have to get my big brother over here from Simi Valley. Okay?'

Lenny sneered from behind his sunglasses but the mention of Shauna's brother seemed to give him a second's pause.

'You'll never work in this town, you fat feminist space cadet,' Lenny spat at Alice. 'I'll see to it myself.' He turned and walked out, his red cowboy boots clicking on the wooden floor.

Alice turned to Shauna. 'Are you okay, buddy? I'm sorry you had to find out about
Dorothy Navigator
that way.'

'Whoa, girl, you are frickin' on fire today!' Shauna exclaimed. 'Who the hell is he calling you
fat
, Alice? That's way out of line.' She sounded horrified. For Shauna there could be no worse insult.

Alice was aware of a molten force of anger in her middle propelling her forward. 'If you'll excuse me, there's one more thing I have to do,' Alice explained to both Shauna and Nick.

'Wait, Alice. I need to talk to you about something,' Nick said.

Alice could hear the urgency in his tone but decided that whatever it was, it would have to wait.

'This will only take a minute,' Alice replied, feeling dangerously calm as she walked to the back door. 'I promise.' She took the back steps two at a time, gathering momentum as she went. She got into her car and headed back towards North Beverly Boulevard.