Alice in the Middle (6 page)

B
y the time I got as far as my bedroom, I was so cross that I half-expected to feel smoke pouring out from my ears.

Alice was coming through the door.

‘I was just coming to find you,’ she said.

I pushed past her into the room. She followed me inside, and sat on her bed. Hazel was standing at the mirror, doing her hair as usual.

‘Nice date?’ Hazel asked, grinning.

I felt like grabbing her hairbrush and smashing it into her pretty, horrible face. I put my hands behind my back, suddenly afraid that I was actually going to do that.

I stamped over to where Alice was sitting. She was looking at me almost like she was afraid. The letter I had thought was from Sam was on the dresser next to her. Alice and Hazel must have been laughing together about it. I picked it up.

‘What do you know about this?’ I shouted.

‘About what?’ she said, like I wasn’t actually waving it in front of her face.

‘About this stupid, stupid letter that Hazel wrote, pretending it was from Sam.’

Now Alice looked really afraid.

‘But how … how do you know?’

I crumpled up the letter and threw it across the room.

‘It doesn’t matter how I know. I just know. Now tell me, what do you know about it?’

Alice looked at me, then she looked at Hazel, and then she looked back at me again.

‘I know it was a set-up,’ she said quietly.

‘But when did you discover this?’ I asked.

‘Just a few minutes ago.’

Suddenly I didn’t feel angry any more. I just felt all mixed up. I didn’t know if I could believe her
or not.

Hazel hadn’t said anything yet. Now she spoke.

‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘It was all my idea. I told Alice after you had left for your “big date”. I had to tell someone. It was just
so
funny. You were so excited about going on a date that was never going to happen.’

I wanted to think of something really clever to say, but I couldn’t. All I could manage was,

‘That was
so
mean, Hazel.’

Hazel shrugged.

‘I don’t know what all the fuss is about. It was just a bit of a laugh.’

‘Well, I don’t think it was very funny,’ I said.

Now Hazel actually laughed.

‘Well, maybe that’s because you have zero sense of humour. Get over yourself, why don’t you?’

I looked at Alice.

She was just sitting there watching us.

Why wasn’t she helping me?

Hazel gave a big long sigh.

‘I can’t stand here chatting all evening. I’m going downstairs for the quiz. You coming, Alice?’

Alice stood up. I stared hard at her, trying to say
If you leave now, we’re not friends any more
, without actually saying any words. She seemed to understand. She sat down again.

‘You go on, Hazel,’ she said. ‘I’ll be down in a minute. Keep a seat for me.’

Hazel went out, closing the door behind her.

I sat on my bed, folded my arms, and waited for Alice to say something. She didn’t seem to be in much of a hurry. She was busy picking nail varnish off her thumb-nail.

Soon I couldn’t wait any more.

‘That was a really mean trick,’ I said.

At last Alice looked up.

‘I honestly didn’t know about it until after you left.’

‘So you had absolutely no idea?’

She hesitated.

‘Well, I was a bit suspicious, this morning, when the note arrived. I had kind of a bad feeling about the whole thing.’

‘So that’s why you didn’t help with my clothes and make-up?’

She nodded.

‘But why didn’t you say something?’

She shrugged.

‘I don’t know. I … well, Hazel was right.’

‘What do you mean?’

Alice sighed.

‘Look, I’m sorry you’re so upset. Honestly I am. But you shouldn’t take stuff so seriously. It’s not such a big deal. It was just a bit of fun. Hazel didn’t really mean to upset you.’

I could hardly believe my ears.

‘Are you defending her?’ I asked. ‘Hazel did that
really
mean thing to me, and you’re taking her side?’

After ages, Alice spoke again.

‘Is this all because you’re jealous of me and Hazel being friends?’

I didn’t answer. I
was
jealous, but that wasn’t the point.

‘You’re friends with Sarah, and I’m not making a big fuss about that, am I?’ said Alice.

‘But that’s different,’ I said.

‘How?’

‘Because … because … because Sarah doesn’t try to own me. She hasn’t changed me. I don’t act like a different person when she’s around. And she doesn’t hate you just because you’re my friend.’

‘Hazel doesn’t hate you,’ said Alice. ‘She’s just a bit possessive. It’s the way she is. She can’t help it.’

Suddenly I was tired of arguing. I felt a bit better now that I knew Alice wasn’t part of the date plot, but I still wasn’t happy.

Alice stood up.

‘I’m going downstairs,’ she said. ‘The quiz will be starting soon. Are you coming?’

‘Are you going to sit with Hazel?’

Alice nodded.

‘You can sit with us too.’

I shook my head sadly.

Why couldn’t Alice see the truth?

Why couldn’t she see that Hazel was as mean as a snake?

Why couldn’t she see that as long as Hazel was around, there was always going to be trouble?

‘Come on down,’ said Alice. ‘It’ll be fun. We can forget all this stupid date stuff, and have a bit of a
laugh.’

But I knew I couldn’t forget that easily, so I just shook my head, and Alice went out, closing the door behind her.

This was so, so unfair. I lay down on my bed and started to cry.

I was beginning to wish that I’d brought a waterproof pillow.

Much later there was a tap on my bedroom door. It had to be Alice. I sat up and wiped my eyes.

‘Come in,’ I said.

The door opened and Sarah came in.

‘Everything OK?’ she asked.

I shook my head.

‘Not really.’

Then I told her everything that had happened. She was really nice and understanding, even when I started to cry again.

She stroked my hair.

‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘Camp’s more than half over. In a bit more than a week’s time, Hazel will be far away from you and Alice, and everything
will be OK again.’

I cried even more.

‘This is summer camp,’ I said. ‘I’m supposed to be having the best time of my life. I’m not supposed to be wishing it was over.’

Sarah hugged me.

‘I suppose you’re right. Anyway, sit up, stop crying and wipe your eyes. I haven’t told you the best thing yet.’

I did what I was told, and Sarah started to giggle.

‘It was the funniest thing ever,’ she said.

‘So tell me,’

‘OK. Sam came over to me and asked where you were, and I told him—’ I grabbed her arm.

‘You didn’t tell him about the date?’

Sarah pretended to look cross.

‘Do I look like a
total
idiot?’

I shook my head, giggling, and she continued,

‘I just told him that you were upset because Hazel had played a really mean trick on you. And he seemed like he was really bothered by that. He
said it was rotten to pick on you since you were so nice.’

‘He really said that?’

Sarah nodded.

‘Anyway, I didn’t tell you the best bit yet. There were glasses of Coke, and Sam went and got one and brought it over to Hazel, pretending to be really nice. And Hazel did that sweet smiley stuff she does around boys. And when she’d drunk the Coke, Sam gave her a big smile and said he hoped she enjoyed it because before he gave it to her, he and all his friends had spat in it.’

I put my hand over my mouth.

‘I don’t believe it.’

Sarah laughed.

‘It was totally the funniest thing ever. You should have seen Hazel’s face. She ran out to the toilets. Everyone could hear her washing out her mouth, and spitting, and crying. In seconds, we all knew what had happened. Soon, everyone was laughing at her.’

‘Even Jordan?’

Sarah nodded.

‘He looked like he was going to throw up, he was laughing so much.’

‘And Alice?’

Sarah nodded again.

‘Alice looked like she was trying not to laugh, but in the end she joined in with the rest of us.’

I was enjoying the picture of Hazel being mocked, when Sarah continued.

‘No one really likes Hazel, you know.’

‘No one except for Alice,’ I corrected her.

‘Well, we all have our weak points,’ she said. ‘Now, I’m going back downstairs for a while. Do you want to come?’

I shook my head.

‘I think I’ll just stay here and have an early night. But thanks, Sarah.’

She shrugged.

‘No problem. That’s what friends are for.’

Then she went out.

I lay down again.

Sarah was so, so nice.

She was everything you could want in a friend.

But she wasn’t Alice.

T
he next day, Alice was really nice to me again.

‘Let’s just go on as normal. Let’s forget about yesterday,’ she said. ‘Let’s act like it never happened.’

But how could I act like it never happened when every time I turned around, Hazel was there, making stupid jokes about dates and stuff?

And how could I go on as normal, when Hazel was doing her very best to come between Alice and me?

After basketball, Sam came over to me.

‘Everything OK?’ he asked.

‘Sure,’ I said, knowing that my face was turning red.

‘I heard Hazel was mean to you last night. Do you want to tell me what she did?’

‘No way,’ I said so quickly that Sam jumped away as if I had hit him. ‘I mean, no thanks,’ I corrected myself. ‘It was nothing really.’

‘Sure?’ asked Sam.

‘Absolutely,’ I said, thinking that I would die if Sam ever discovered what had happened.

Then I laughed.

‘What you did to Hazel later on was brilliant. I can’t believe you and your friends spat in her drink.’

Now Sam went red.

‘Actually, we didn’t,’ he said. ‘That would be totally gross. But she thinks we did, and that’s all that matters.’

Now we both laughed together. It made sense in a way. I was upset over an imaginary date, and Hazel was upset over imaginary spit in her drink.

‘Got to go,’ said Sam. ‘But remember, if Hazel’s mean to you again, just let me know, and I’ll sort her out for you.’

‘Thanks,’ I said. No matter how bad things got,
I couldn’t see myself asking him for help, but it was really nice to know that he cared.

The next day was Sunday. This was visiting Sunday – the only day of the camp when parents were allowed to visit us, and to take us out for the day. Of course, Mum and Dad and Rosie were coming to visit me – Mum needed to check up on me, and make sure I was living the perfect, healthy life she expected of me.

Anyway after all the fights with Hazel and Alice, a quiet day out with my parents seemed just what I needed.

Alice’s parents weren’t visiting her. She had been clever – she had torn up her copy of the camp brochure, and then told them that visits weren’t allowed.

‘But what if they find out?’ I’d asked. ‘What if one of them talks to my parents and discovers the truth?’

Alice had shrugged.

‘I’ll just have to take a chance. Trust me, it’s for the best,’ she had told me. ‘Mum and Dad are
getting on a bit better nowadays, but they’re hardly the best of friends. They’d never be able to agree which one of them should visit me, so it’s best if no-one does.’

Poor Alice. At last she was kind of getting used to the idea of her parents not living together, but every time she talked about them, I could hear a strange kind of sadness in her voice. Once again I realised that, even though my parents are a total embarrassment, I should be grateful that they love each other.

I wondered if Hazel’s parents were coming to see her. I was hoping they were. Maybe I’d get lucky. Maybe they’d take her far, far away and forget to bring her back.

During breakfast, I had to ask her.

‘I’m not quite sure yet,’ she replied. ‘Mummy and Daddy are flying back from Dubai this morning. They might show up here, and then again they might not. My brother’s staying with some friends in Cork, so they might visit him instead. It’s cool anyway. I don’t need them hanging around annoying me.’

When I heard this, I was very sorry that my family was coming. I still wanted to see them of course, but I couldn’t bear to think that Alice and Hazel would get to spend the whole day together, without me. Hazel would have a whole day to tell Alice bad stuff about me, and I wouldn’t even be there to defend myself.

Suddenly I had a crazy idea. Maybe I could phone home and say that there was an epidemic of something dreadfully contagious, and that all visits were now cancelled. Then I knew that would never work. Mum had probably been planning the trip since the day I left home. She’d probably knitted herself a new dress for the occasion. She’d have been soaking beans and stuff for at least three days, to make us a picnic lunch. If I told her that visits were cancelled, that wouldn’t put her off. She’d drive here anyway, and climb up on the wall, and shout in at me, and throw packages of healthy food in my direction. Nothing could save me from her. I was doomed.

After breakfast, I went out to the garden with Alice and Hazel. It was a lovely day, so we lay on
the grass and watched as the odd cloud drifted across the bright blue sky. After a while, Hazel made yet another joke about Sam, and the date that never happened.

‘Give it a rest, Hazel,’ said Alice, ‘That is so not funny any more.’

I felt like jumping up and hugging her, but resisted. That would only have given Hazel another reason to mock me.

Shortly afterwards, Gloria came to tell me that my family was outside waiting for me. Alice and Hazel walked around to the front of the school with me, even though I’d have preferred if they didn’t.

Our car has four wheels, and an engine, and I’m glad of it when Dad drives me to school on wet days, but next to some of the very fancy cars in the driveway, it looked a bit old and battered. I was fairly sure that Hazel’s parents drove a fancy jeep or something like that. Still, no point being too embarrassed about our car, since my delightful family was standing next to it.

Dad and Rosie looked sort of OK. (Well,
maybe not OK, but not a total embarrassment either.) Mum though, was a different story. She looked a complete mess. I’m sure she had combed her hair some time in the past few weeks, but it didn’t look like it. It was flying all over the place in the wind, like something designed to scare away birds. She was wearing baggy old faded trousers and a sleeveless top I knew she’d had since I was about six. (She’d probably had it since she was about six.) On her feet she had horrible clumpy brown sandals, and of course she hadn’t discovered nail varnish in the weeks we’d been apart. And the worst of all was, when she raised her arm to wave at me, everyone could see that she doesn’t believe in shaving, and her under-arm hair began to blow in the wind, in time with the hair on her head.

Aaaaargh.

As soon as they saw me, Mum and Dad ran over to me and hugged and kissed me.

Don’t they watch TV?

Don’t they know that kids my age
really
hate it when their parents kiss them in public?

Can’t they remember what it was like to be young?

Or do they just do it out of spite – a little payback for all the times I dropped my clothes on the floor and left the bathroom tap dripping?

Rosie ran over to Alice who picked her up and swung her around. Those two had always been great buddies. Luckily, even Hazel seemed to think that Rosie was cute. She tickled her, and gave her a sweet from her pocket. I giggled. Pity Mum didn’t see that – if she had, she’d have tried to get Hazel expelled from the camp immediately, and all my troubles would have been over at once.

Dad looked at his watch.

‘Come on you lot,’ he said. ‘It’s a lovely sunny day, and I don’t want to spend it here in the car park. Let’s go.’

Mum looked at Alice.

‘Are your parents coming to see you today?’ she asked.

Alice shook her head.

‘No. They’d like to, of course, but they’re very busy.’

Mum didn’t look very pleased to hear that. She was never too busy to give attention to Rosie and me. This was of course both a good and a bad thing – mostly bad.

Then she smiled at Alice.

‘Maybe you’d like to come out with us for the day? You’d be very welcome, and I’m sure Megan would like to have you along.’

That was a totally brilliant idea. I could have kissed Mum, and right then I didn’t care who was watching.

Alice looked a bit doubtful.

‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘That’s very nice of you, but …’

She stopped talking and looked at Hazel. I looked at Hazel too, and tried to make up my mind. Which would be worse – bringing Hazel and putting up with her for the day, or leaving her here with Alice?

If she came along with us, would she spend the last week of the camp mocking my mum’s crazy ways, and my dad’s so-not-funny jokes?

I had a pain in my head from trying to decide what to do, but in the end, Mum decided for me.

‘Sorry, Megan,’ she said. ‘We only have one spare seat belt. We can bring Alice, but I’m afraid we won’t have room for your other friend.’

I didn’t speak. It wasn’t the time or the place to mention that Hazel was no friend of mine, and that if I never saw her again it would be too soon.

We all looked at Alice and waited to see what she had to say. Like me, she seemed to be having trouble making up her mind. At last she spoke.

‘Thanks, Sheila, but I think I’ll stay here – otherwise Hazel will be on her own for the day, and she’ll be bored.’

‘Her parents might show up,’ I said.

Hazel made a face at me.

‘They probably won’t. Thanks for staying with me Alice.’

Then, before anyone could say anything else, she put her arm around Alice’s shoulder and practically dragged her back into the school. I waved good-bye, but neither of them saw me.

Mum shook her head.

‘What a pushy girl!’ she said.

You don’t know half of it
, I thought as I
climbed into the back of the car with Rosie. I wished I could tell Mum what was going on, but I knew it would have been a mistake. Mum would have dived in to try to sort everything out, and then everything would end up even worse than before. So I didn’t say any more, as Dad revved up the car and we set off for our day out.

We had a lovely time. It was really warm so we decided to go to the beach. For a while I made sandcastles with Rosie, Dad read the paper, and Mum did her knitting. She was knitting something in thick, hard wool the colour of green slime. It was probably a surprise jumper for someone – a very scary surprise. I hoped it wasn’t for me.

After a while, we were all hot and sweaty, so we decided to go for a swim. It was fun, once I got over the shock of seeing my family’s swimming clothes. (After two weeks with normal people, I’d almost forgotten how weird my family was.) Mum’s swimming togs were huge and covered with fading flowers. They looked like they had once belonged to her granny’s granny. Poor Rosie
was wearing a floppy bikini that looked suspiciously as if Mum had knitted it. (Luckily Rosie is too young to be as embarrassed as she should be by that sort of thing.) Dad was in horrible, tight shiny swimming trunks that made a lot of people stare at him, and two little boys laugh out loud.

We swam until we were all shivery and my fingers were turning white. Then we raced back to our stuff and wrapped ourselves in our towels and tried not to think cold thoughts.

When we were all dry and warm again, Mum started to root around in one of the huge bags she always seems to carry around with her.

‘I’ve brought a picnic,’ she said with a big grin – like that was something that would make us all jump up and down with joy.

First she pulled out a bag of bananas, but it looked like someone had sat on them. They were so badly squashed that even Mum (who thinks wasting food is almost as bad as killing someone) didn’t try to insist that we eat them.

Next she rooted in another bag and produced a
pack of (and I’m not joking here) chick-pea sandwiches. For the millionth time I wondered why I couldn’t have had a mum who put normal stuff in sandwiches like ham or chicken or cheese. The sandwiches had been left lying in the sun, though, and they smelled so bad that even Dad wouldn’t eat them. (And he’d eat practically anything).

‘Oh well,’ said Mum. ‘Looks like we’ll have to go straight on to our treat.’ As she spoke she pulled out another package. ‘It’s my special sugar-free, fat-free cookies.’

I sighed. I should have known she wouldn’t have brought a real treat. Mum’s sugar-free, fat-free cookies were also taste-free – unless you think dried-up sawdust has a taste.

Rosie squealed.

‘Yippee. Cookies,’ she said, jumping in the air. As she landed, she knocked the package from Mum’s hand and the cookies flew into the sand. For a minute I thought Rosie had done it deliberately, then I remembered that Rosie is so innocent, she actually likes Mum’s cookies. The
poor child doesn’t know what real cookies are supposed to taste like.

‘Ooops. Sorry, Mum,’ she said.

So that was the end of Mum’s picnic.

I tried not to look too happy.

‘There’s nothing for it,’ said Mum. ‘I’ll have to walk to the nearest shop and buy us some food.’

I gulped. There was no telling what she’d bring back. There was every chance we’d end up sitting on the beach eating cold butter beans, or something totally gross like that.

Dad must have seen the scared look on my face.

‘No, Sheila,’ he said. ‘That wouldn’t be fair. You were up early packing all that lovely food for us. You rest here with the girls, and I’ll go and buy us something to eat.’

After Mum had spent twenty minutes telling him about the food pyramid, and hydrogenated fats and all that boring stuff, Dad set off for the shop.