Alice in Zombieland (15 page)

     
‘Are they in the prisoner’s handwriting?’ asked another of they jurymen.

     
‘No, they’re not,’ said the Black Rat, ‘and that’s the queerest thing about it.’

     
‘He must have imitated somebody else’s hand,’ said the King.

     
‘Please your Majesty,’ said the Knave, ‘I didn’t write it, and they can’t prove I did: there’s no name signed at the end.’

     
‘If you didn’t sign it,’ said the King, ‘that only makes the matter worse. You
must
have meant some mischief, or else you’d have signed your name like an honest man.’

     
There was a general clapping of hands at this: it was the first really clever thing the King had said that day.

     
‘That
proves
his guilt,’ said the Queen. She was so enraged and red-faced, she quite forgot all about the metal box and let it fall near her feet. Alice took note of it and edged a bit closer to her.

     
‘It proves nothing of the sort!’ said Alice. ‘Why, you don’t even know what they’re about!’

     
She could almost touch the box with her foot now.

     
‘Read them,’ said the King.

     
The Black Rat put on his spectacles. ‘Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?’ he asked.

     
‘Begin at the beginning,’ the King said gravely, ‘and go on till you come to the end: then stop.’

     
These were the verses the Black Rat read:

-

 
‘They told me you had been to her,

 
And mentioned me to him:

 
She gave me a good character,

 
But said I could not swim.

-

 
He sent them word I had not gone

 
(We know it to be true):

 
If she should push the matter on,

 
What would become of you?

-

 
I gave her one, they gave him two,

 
You gave us three or more;

 
They all returned from him to you,

 
Though they were mine before.

-

 
If I or she should chance to be

 
Involved in this affair,

 
He trusts to you to set them free,

 
Exactly as we were.

-

 
My notion was that you had been

 
(Before she had this fit)

 
An obstacle that came between

 
Him, and ourselves, and it.

-

 
Don’t let him know she liked them best,

 
For this must ever be

 
A secret, kept from all the rest,

 
Between yourself and me.’

-

     
‘That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard yet,’ said the King, rubbing his hands; ‘so now let the jury—’

     
‘If any one of them can explain it,’ said Alice, (she had grown so large in the last few minutes that she wasn’t a bit afraid of interrupting him,) ‘I’ll give him sixpence. I don’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it.’ Her big toe was now covering the metal box; the Red Queen seemed to have forgotten all about it as she cowered a bit from Alice.

     
The zombie jury moaned as one and wrote down on their slates, ‘
She
doesn’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it,’ but none of them attempted to explain the paper.

     
‘If there’s no meaning in it,’ said the King, ‘that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn’t try to find any. And yet I don’t know,’ he went on, spreading out the verses on his knee, and looking at them with one eye; ‘I seem to see some meaning in them, after all. “—
said I could not swim
—” you can’t swim, can you?’ he added, turning to the Knave.

     
The Knave shook his head sadly. ‘Do I look like it?’ he said. (Which he certainly did
not
, being made entirely of cardboard.)

     
‘All right, so far,’ said the King, and he went on muttering over the verses to himself: ‘“
We know it to be true
—” that’s the jury, of course— “
I gave her one, they gave him two
—” why, that must be what he did with the meat pies, you know—’

     
‘But, it goes on “
They all returned from him to you
,”’ said Alice.

     
‘Why, there they are!’ said the King triumphantly, pointing to the meat pies on the table.

     
‘Nothing can be clearer than
that
.

     
Then again— “
Before she had this fit
—” you never had fits, my dear, I think?’ he said to the Queen.

     
‘Never!’ said the Queen furiously, throwing an inkstand at the Lizard as she spoke. (The unfortunate little Bill had left off writing on his slate with one finger, as he found it made no mark; but he now hastily began again, using the ink, that was trickling down his face, as long as it lasted.)

     
‘Then the words don’t
fit
you,’ said the King, looking round the court with a smile. There was a dead silence.

     
‘It’s a pun!’ the King added in an offended tone, and everybody laughed, ‘Let the jury consider their verdict,’ the King said, for about the twentieth time that day.

     
‘No, no!’ said the Queen. ‘Sentence first—verdict afterwards.’

     
‘Stuff and nonsense!’ said Alice loudly. ‘The idea of having the sentence first!’

     
‘Hold your tongue!’ said the Queen, turning purple.

     
‘I won’t!’ said Alice.

     
‘Off with her head!’ the Queen shouted at the top of her voice. Nobody moved.

     
‘Who cares for you?’ said Alice, (she had grown to her full size by this time.) ‘You’re nothing but a bunch of dead things!’

     
And with that, Alice reached down and grabbed the metal box. But with her huge hands, she crushed it without meaning to. The jeweled collars all fell away with a great metallic clatter.

     
The King and Queen paled and froze. Then the Queen croaked, ‘Do you know what you’ve done, you nasty little girl?’

     
At this the whole room erupted with the hungry moans of zombies, and the undead began to stumble and shamble their way toward the King and Queen. Several of them leaped into the crowd, gnashing teeth and tearing at wailing victims. A small mouse squeaked and was snatched up by a trio of the undead; it was torn apart without so much as a twitch. The zombies moaned in ecstasy and chewed its warm innards, spitting out hunks of bloody fur and bones. Another group of zombies had circled a dodo and were trying to grab it, but the great billed bird was pecking at their rotting hands and seemed to Alice to be coming off with the better of the battle. Bits of the zombies were flying every which way. In the jury box, two zombies fought over a piece of bloody flesh, clawing at one another in their hungry rage. A large white rabbit tried to dodge a group of the undead, kicking with its wide feet, but the zombies were too intent on their possible meal to feel any discomfort as it knocked bits of them into the jury box. But finally they closed in on the white rabbit and it didn’t stand a chance as they fell upon it with eager groans. The rabbit screamed as its head was ripped from its convulsing body, its feet torn to pieces. Across the room, Alice saw a snarling cat spitting and clawing at the door to the courtroom, trying to escape, as two zombies closed in from either side. It cried out and turned to defend itself. One zombie lost an eye and the other part of is face to the cat’s savage sharp claws. But it did little to slow them down. The cat tried to back away, but the cheekless zombie made a clumsy, but effective, leap for its throat, and before long, the cat was buried under the duo of tearing, biting zombies.

     
The scene was hellish, as small bands of survivors tried to battle the undead, but ultimately falling to their greater unfeeling numbers.

     
The Red Queen wasn’t going down without a fight, however. She pushed the terrified King before her and kicked him into the gathering dead. The poor little man disappeared under an onslaught of hungry zombies. Alice could hear his screams of agony as they tore him limb from limb.

     
Meanwhile, the Queen tried to use his death as a distraction and she hurried to back door. But along the way, a zombie who had been hiding behind the judge’s bench staggered out in time to catch her long robe. Its dead hands tangled in the fine material and pulled her back. The Queen gave a mighty roar and punched the zombie in the face. Its rotting head collapsed around her huge horny fist and it fell down, releasing her.

     
Alice could barely see her now, for all the zombies crowding around, but she did see her duck through the back door with a hearty laugh, and then she was gone.

     
Alice, terrified at what she had done by accident, gave a little scream, half of fright and half of anger. She didn’t want to be eaten by these disgusting dead things.

     
No! No!

     
Alice swung blindly at the undead as they closed in on her. She felt their tiny teeth sinking into her cool flesh. The smell of death overwhelmed her! She pushed at their heavy weight as they fell upon her.

     
Her eyes snapped open to a gray sky and dead trees all around.

     
She found herself lying in the graveyard.

     
Her sister was shoving her with her foot, looking down at her crossly. ‘Wake up, you little brat!’

     
Alice sat up groggily, brushing away some dead leaves that had fluttered down from the trees upon her face. Her head ached. When she touched where it hurt, she came away with semi-dry blood. Had she hit her head? When had she done that?

     
She was alive! Not dead, like those things!

     
She felt her arms and legs and was so happy to be alive she could hardly speak. She touched her hair; none of its came away in her hands; and she could feel all her teeth in her mouth—none had fallen out after all!

     
‘Wake up, Alice!’ said her sister. ‘You dragged me out here so you could sleep for hours!’

     
‘Oh, I’ve had such a terrible dream!’ said Alice, and she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange Adventures of hers that you have just been reading about, sobbing and shaking; and when she had finished, her sister sneered at her, and said, ‘Serves you right for hanging around graveyards like a creepy spider.’ Her sister began to turn away. ‘Let’s go! It’s cold out here and I want a meat pie and a nice cup of tea.’

     
So Alice got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well she might, what a dreadful nightmare it had been, but already tasting the meat pie. She was so hungry! She would devour two, at least!

     
Her sister watched her run away with that nasty sneer still on her thin, cruel lips.

     
Alice and her stupid dreams.

     
How she hated the little brat! She had come along to ruin a good thing. Everything had been perfectly fine without a baby sister in her life. Now Mother and Father doted on the little brat and treated her second rate.

     
She sat thinking of Alice and her silly nightmare Adventures, till she too began dreaming after a fashion.

     
Yes, the meat pie would be especially delicious and satisfying this afternoon, because—

     
The long grass rustled at her feet as a great Black Rat hurried by.

     
She snapped out a foot and stomped the nasty little thing until it was dead.

     
Yes, the meat pies would be wonderful today.

     
She wondered how long it would be before Alice, sweet, stupid little Alice, began to search for her kitten.

     
She left the graveyard, chuckling to herself.

     
After she disappeared in the distance, the cold wind moaned through the tombstones and weeds, whispered through the grass where the dead rat lay in a gory pool of its smashed innards and cooling blood. And after a moment, its whiskers began to twitch and quiver with renewed life. Its feet convulsed, scraping at the icy earth, digging little angry furrows and kicking dead leaves all around.