Alien Diplomacy (55 page)

“Um…”

“And, since your little country’s views are so lenient…” His voice trailed off leadingly.

“Um…”

“We were hoping you would join us.”

“Us? You mean you and Vance?” He nodded encouragingly. I stared at him. “You’re suggesting a threesome, the two of you and me?”

“We’d prefer it, yes. If Madame is shy, however, we would be happy to take it slowly, have you just with each of us alone, until such time as you felt comfortable to join us fully on our bed of love.”

Caroline was right. Being married to an alien was totally normal compared to the people I was meeting in this town. Admittedly, if Reader and Gower had made this suggestion, Jeff would have real cause to be worried. But Vance and Gadoire were about as far away from Reader and Gower as a girl could get.

“Have I scandalized you?” Gadoire asked, sounding a little concerned and a whole lot like he thought he was earning the Casanova for the New Millennium title. I managed to shake my head. I didn’t trust myself to speak.

“Ah, then, let us retire and speak with Vance.” He led me off the dance floor, keeping his arm firmly around my waist. I considered bolting, but I was still too shocked to go for it. Besides, maybe this was some sort of bizarre ruse to get me to let my guard down or something.

But no. There was Vance, lounging against one of the pillars, looking expectant. He grinned at me. “So glad you’re going to join us.”

I tried to channel anyone I could think of—Serene, Lockwood, Pierre, Wolverine. Sadly, nothing had really prepared me for this. Neither Aunt Emily nor the Washington Wife class had covered what to do when a gay couple you suspect of some form of treason
and/or dirty dealings whisks you away and, instead of trying to bribe or kill you, asks you to join them in their “bed of love.” I was certain, however, that hysterical laughter probably wasn’t on the list of approved reactions. Unfortunately, it was looking like all I had.

They both looked at me expectantly. I had nothing to add to this conversation, so I went for the only thing I could think of. “Why did you tell me you thought Jack was murdered?”

Vance stared at me. Gadoire’s arm tightened around me. “What did you do?” Gadoire asked him. “I told you not to talk about that.”

V
ANCE GRIMACED. “I KNOW YOU THINK
I’m crazy, Guy. But I know Jack wouldn’t have killed himself.”

“So, what, you called the ambassador and shared your wild theory?” Gadoire snapped, with an impressive glare. Not up to Christopher’s standards, but then, none were.

“No.” Vance shifted uncomfortably then looked down. “I knew you were interested in her. So I wanted to warn her to keep her safe.”

“Wait, you came to my Embassy, acted like a complete jerk, insinuated you needed my non-Washington-insider help, and ran off the moment bullets started flying, in order to
protect
me?”

“You went to their Embassy?” Gadoire sounded furious. “We never discussed that. Wait.” He looked at me. “You were
shot
at?”

“Yes, outside the Embassy. It sort of made Vance’s theory seem legitimate.”

“My dove, we will protect you,” Gadoire said, suddenly all Mr. Pepé Le Macho Man.

It was taking all my self-control, but I was managing not to give away what I did or didn’t know. I was also just managing to keep the hysterical laughter at bay, but I didn’t know how much longer that was going to last.

“Protect me from the things you just told Vance you didn’t believe?” I looked at Vance. “You told me you knew who the target was. You told me you were the next in line to be killed because you possessed such knowledge!”

“Vance,” Gadoire said, sounding like the Stern Headmaster at Acme Academy, “what’s the meaning of this? The truth, Vance. Not some wild story meant to impress the pretty girl.”

Vance looked up sullenly. “Fine. I really don’t think Jack killed himself. Which means that he was murdered, and the only reason I can get for why is that he warned us all that someone was going to be assassinated at this event.” Vance making this leap in logic actually impressed me. I’d had no idea he could think.

“And?” Gadoire asked, Headmaster voice on full.

Vance heaved a sigh. “And, yes, I made the rest of it up. I thought she’d go for it and come with me for protection, so I could bring her home and surprise you.”

“So, you really have no idea if there’s an actual assassination attempt going down?”

“No,” Vance said sullenly. “I also really don’t know why anyone was shooting at us.” He glared at Gadoire. “But it proves my theory.”

Gadoire rolled his eyes. “We’re in a city with half the police force it used to have. All it proves is that some lunatic was shooting off a gun in broad daylight, and those fools running Titan have no concept of how to properly protect any municipality, that idiot Marling in particular.” He cleared his throat. “However, that’s neither here nor there. My dear, let me apologize. I hope Vance’s little fantasy hasn’t spoiled your appetite for us.”

“Before I respond, let me just get a couple things straight.” They both nodded. “First off, am I right in thinking you’re both bi?”

“Well, duh,” Vance said. “Why else would we be asking you to have a threesome with us?”

“Wow, that leads me right to my next question. Why me? I mean, seriously, Vance, I’ve never thought you considered me worthy to empty your spittoon, let alone that you were contemplating intimacy as an option.”

He shrugged. “You’re Guy’s type. I make concessions.”

I was Pepé Le Pew’s type? How had this happened? Why had this happened? Who in the Greater Cosmos had I pissed off? I knew exactly how Penny the Cat felt—repulsed and horrified with a big helping of “run away, run away!” Of course, given the choice between Guy and the real Pepé, I was voting skunk, all the way.

“So flattering. You’re quite the Smooth Operator, aren’t you? So, you truly have no idea who was shooting at us earlier today?”

He sighed again. “None. Your mother asked me, over and over again. But I have no idea.” He grimaced. “I would have liked to have had an answer, especially after she harangued me for an hour.”

“Poor baby. Maybe you shouldn’t have told lies.”

“Was it a lie? Someone was shooting at us.”

I pondered this. “Did you tell anyone else that you either thought Jack was murdered or that you were planning to use the clever ploy of telling me you knew the assassination target and were next on the hit list?”

“No.” Vance said this with a very straight, serious face. I didn’t buy it.

Gadoire made the exasperation sound. “Vance, I can always,
always
, tell when you’re lying. Who else did you share these wild theories with?”

He looked down. “Just the rest of the guys.”

“The guys? You mean Abner and Bryce?”

“Yeah. And Leslie,” he added with a grin. “She’s one of the guys, too, you know.”

I refrained from comment. “And you told them you were trying to get me into a threesome with you and Guy and that you were going to use Jack’s murder or suicide as a ploy?” On the same day the man had died. A man who was supposedly Vance’s friend. These people were really the exact opposite of “salt of the Earth.”

Vance nodded. “None of them thought I was right about Jack, and not one of them believes there’s going to be any trouble tonight, either. So no harm done there,” he added to Gadoire. “Your relationships with their sig-o’s won’t be affected.”

I managed not to say that, clearly, at least one of them had indeed believed Vance’s theory, in which case, Gadoire’s relationship with that significant other could indeed be affected. “So, seriously, neither one of you thinks we’re in actual danger, despite the fact that Jack died after he called and warned all of us?”

Vance shrugged. “Abner said it wasn’t possible. There’s too much security here for anyone to be able to get away with anything.”

Gadoire seemed to consider the possibility as real for the first time. He looked around. “I’m sure it’s a ridiculous fancy, but…” He gave me what I was sure he felt was a seductive smile. “Why don’t we all take a room here, just to be safe?”

“So, you’re suggesting I take off with you two, in the middle of the President’s Ball, to have a wild fling, while my husband and everyone else from our Diplomatic Mission happens to be here?”

“Yes. It will add to the excitement.”

“Because a threesome with two guys I barely know wouldn’t be exciting enough, true. And somehow, you don’t think anyone will, say, notice I’m gone?”

“It’s packed,” Vance said. “If we time it right, we can be back
before the President gives his speech. No one clears out until that’s over because it’s considered bad form and career death.”

“Yeah, everyone says quicker is better.” I hadn’t meant to say that aloud. Oh, well. Neither one of them seemed to pick up the sarcasm, so I barreled on. “But you think it’s okay for the three of us to leave and commit said career death?”

Gadoire nodded. “As long as we’re back in the room when the speech is over, no one is ever the wiser.” He chuckled. “After all, you’ve been with us quite a while, and no one has noticed.”

“Oh,” a voice said behind us. “I’ve noticed.”

“K
ATHY, DEAR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
with these gentlemen?” White asked, as he stepped around, removed Gadoire’s arm from about my person, and replaced it with his own.

“Discussing an interesting proposition, Rick, honey.” I wondered where Jeff was but was actually glad he wasn’t the one who’d found me. I wasn’t sure that his reaction wouldn’t have been to pound both Vance and Gadoire into the ground. Not that this seemed like a bad plan to me, but we really didn’t have the time to stop and have fun when we were trying to save everyone.

White smiled politely. “Gentlemen, allow me to clear up some points of confusion for you. If the ambassador here is having an affair, it’s with me.”

“Or me,” another voice said from behind. Chuckie sauntered to my other side and took my free hand. “We’ve been having an affair a lot longer. Years, really.”

“Us too,” Reader said, as he and Gower joined the impromptu party. “And if anyone’s taking our girl for a threesome, it’s us.”

Gower nodded. “It’s actually written into our religious laws.”

“As you noted earlier, Guy, our laws are very liberal,” I added, while I wavered between relief and an even more intense desire to laugh my head off.

“But,” Reader said airily, “we can’t blame you boys for trying.”

“We can, however suggest that you not try again,” Chuckie said. “With any of the American Centaurion women. Or men. Or animals.”

“In case you’re into them, too,” I added, to make sure they were clear. I wasn’t putting anything past Vance and Gadoire.

“That’s also written into our religious laws,” Gower said.

“Now,” White said pleasantly. “Be good little boys and run along. Oh, and when you next try to visit our Embassy, please make sure you wear protective gear. The ambassador tends to be jealous.”

“He’s not jealous about all of you?” Vance gasped out.

“Nah,” Jeff said, as he came up behind them and took both of them by the tops of their shoulders. “They’re all family, or close enough. You’re not.” With that, he propelled them away from us and into the arms of the same A-Cs who’d taken Eugene and Nathalie away. White and Chuckie let go of me.

Jeff turned around and shook his head. “I leave you alone for five minutes…”

“This
wasn’t
my fault!”

He grinned. “I know.”

“You’re not mad?”

They all laughed. “Jeff was reading you the entire time,” Reader said. “He could barely tell us what was happening he was laughing so hard.”

“You sure you’re handling the stress well, my dove?” Gower asked.

“Do the accent,” Chuckie said. “I think that was my favorite part, my leetle flow-aire.”

“Dudes, he was so totally doing Pepé Le Pew! It was all I could do to contain the Inner Hyena.”

“We know,” Reader said. “Jeff’d be like, ‘and now he’s acting all protective in that ridiculous fake accent, and I can
feel
her desperately trying not to laugh.’ ”

“Though I’m happy the two of you aren’t bi,” Jeff said to Reader and Gower. “Because, believe me, the people getting the positive comparisons were you two.”