Alien Me (20 page)

The tension left Sean’s shoulders. He chuckled. “Don’t you see? You can offload the energy to horses. You won’t burn up if you can’t get back to Geminay. They can close the portals to you and you won’t burn up the way Naomi says Sworn Assets do. But don’t let anyone know. You have to keep it secret so that you can save yourself if you ever have to.”

I smiled. “Chalk one up for me.”

Sean grew somber again. “Can you feel Judah’s energy?”

“Yeah.” I couldn’t stop a grimace. “I know you tried to stop that. Thanks, but don’t do anything that will get you on Naomi’s bad side. That clawman thing—I don’t know if I could go through that again.”

“I hear that. It felt like five blowtorches on me at once. You know they almost never use a clawman on highborn. They have no problem using them on us because they think we creations need the worst punishment imaginable to be able to listen, you know, because of our humanity.”

“That’s messed up.”

“What did you do with it, you know, with the pain?”

Sean’s question surprised me. He had discerned the truth: the clawman’s pain energy was still inside of me.

“I formed it into a kernel the way you formed that water. It’s in a room way back in my mind behind a locked door and surrounded by a blue light that will keep it cool forever.”

Sean’s eyes reddened and he ran his hands through his hair. “What you went through for me—how you paid for my pain—I’m sorry for that. And I want to take it back from you.”

“No,” I said so forcefully that I almost scared myself. I took a step away from him. “Please don’t even say that to me. Because when it comes out, it will kill whomever I touch. I swear on my mother’s life that it will. And I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

“Oh my sweet baby,” Sean said as he pulled me into his arms.

And for the first time I could feel Sean’s emotions. It only lasted for a moment, but through that brief window I felt his sorrow and horror at seeing me in pain from the clawman. I felt his jealousy at seeing me with Judah. I felt his sadness at being with Leonie and knowing that she was being robbed of a relationship with a man who would truly care about her. I felt through Sean the love Tardik had for Leonie, the true and sweet love that Sean could never give her. Tardik’s love was mature, not the new and growing love Sean was developing for me. I wanted to cry because I knew that the clawman had inadvertently given me this window into Sean’s soul when I had taken his and Tardik’s pain.

Should I tell Sean that I was falling in love with him? Should I tell him that I knew he was doing the same with me? No, it was too freaky, too soon. After all, we had just met. Or had we? Time moved differently in Geminay, the land of eternally pink sunshine. I pressed my face into his chest. We stood together for a long time. Then I felt Sean’s sadness and regret and knew that the embrace would end.

Sean gave me his hand. “Shall we?”

I touched his velvety black gloves. We jumped together, and this time we fell through into a fountain in the Sworn Assets’ wing of the palace. In the blink of an eye, Circle and the other maid hustled me upstairs and into my apartment as if they were afraid someone would snatch me away. They took me straight to the bathroom where they had the tub filled and waiting for me. I could smell the perfumes and oils, scents that reminded me of cinnamon and cloves.

Circle nodded as she took an inventory of my body. “The clawman’s wounds have healed, my lady. Your ladyship is very lucky. Many can’t survive a clawman without having a broken mind or body. Many keep the poison and use it a long time after they’ve defeated the venom.”

“For a while I was broken.” I sank low into the tub so the water came up to my chin. “I should have drained him before he had a chance to do that to Tardik and Sean.”

“Oh, my lady, please!” Circle cried in alarm. “Please—saying such things—please!”

My heart pounded from Circle’s horror. I sat up in the water to look at her. “Why? What’s the big deal about draining a clawman?”

Circle exchanged a distressed look with the other maid. “My lady, among the Original People the clawman is considered the most malicious and malevolent of beings—worse than a missusan by far because their only function is to cause pain. Our Laws of Society permit only four clawmen to exist on a colonized planet at one time. That is how horrible we find them. They are evil, misbegotten creatures.”

“It is known,” the other maid agreed.

“Had your ladyship drained the clawman, you would have absorbed his evil, his malevolence and malice.” Circle glanced at the door and lowered her voice before going on. “My lady, I felt the pain you took from Lord Tardik and Lord Sean. Even here in your rooms the agony you were enduring knocked me off my feet. I felt as if I had streams of lava poured on me. All who saw me were terrified.”

The new maid burst into tears. “We knew.”

Circle handed her a handkerchief. “But even as I felt your pain, I felt your goodness, my lady, and that’s why you are still alive.” Circle knelt down next to the tub. “My sister who is inside of you was good and kind. Your ladyship is good and kind. Had you drained the clawman, you would have destroyed that in you which is the best of humanity and the Original People. That clawman’s evil would have destroyed the finest part of you.”

I felt cold in spite of the hot water. “I’m changed by the energy I take?”

“It’s unavoidable, my lady. That is why Lady Naomi sent Lord Judah to give you some of his energy. He is your betrothed, and the more of his energy you share, the more you’ll understand each other. He is a good man. And everyone knows that like must marry like or there can be no happiness.”

“It is said,” the other maid intoned as she dabbed at her eyes.

“But Sworn Assets can never be like Original People.”

“True, but your ladyship is no ordinary Sworn Asset. Your ladyship is a missusan.”

I wondered just where this happiness would come from in this tangled web of Sean, Tardik, Judah, Leonie, and Arlee, regardless of how much of Judah’s energy I absorbed. None of us was feeling very happy at the moment.

“Begging your pardon, my lady, as a missusan you can take Lord Judah’s energy and change your affections from Lord Sean to Lord Judah. It is said that humans are quite able to change their emotional allegiances. This is no different.”

“Like changing a pair of socks.” I sank beneath the surface of the water, determined to wash away anything left by the clawman. I came back up for air. “Are you singing Judah’s praises because he’s your cousin?”

“My lady, as a Discard this one no longer has cousins. This one will say that Lord Judah is a good man. He is the best of us.”

I stood up and Circle wrapped a towel the size of a bed sheet around me as she escorted me to the rain shower to rinse off. The maids dried me and helped me slip on the outfit they had chosen for me. As I sat on the padded chair and let the maids style my hair, I recalled Naomi’s words about my feelings for Sean being merely a result of biology, but I didn’t buy that. It had to be something more. Sean had risked himself for me and I had risked myself for him and those couldn’t be explained away with robotic conditioning. In spite of what Judah had done for me, I felt nothing for him. Nothing. Okay, maybe some gratitude for giving me the energy I needed so I could fall through and get to the yellow sun, but I wouldn’t let anyone know.

“Order a tray from the kitchens,” I said to Circle once she had me dressed. “And send word to Sean to visit me.”

Circle and the other maid froze. Neither said a word.

“Okay? What do I need to know?” I asked.

“My lady, the Lord Sean has informed us that he—ah—he believes it will cause gossip and awkwardness with Lord Judah and Lady Leonie should he visit you in your quarters or you in his.”

Circle let her voice drift off discreetly as she gathered up my robe and left me alone in the bathroom. I sat on my fancy chair in my sumptuous bathroom and fought the urge to cry. Even though I knew why Sean had made that decision, I couldn’t help but feel a rising tide of betrayal and loss. The reflection in the mirror told me that I looked lovely, and the pain in my heart was an animal that ate up all my joy. Why bother looking beautiful if it wasn’t for Sean? The mirror only served to magnify my unhappiness. I left the bedroom and sat in my living room window and looked out at the courtyard as if I were very interested in the view. And unfortunately I was.

Below Sean, Tardik, Leonie, Arlee, and Judah were all laughing about something. Probably they were laughing at me. If I joined them, I thought bitterly, who would they talk about? I would just make them feel awkward. My presence would torture Arlee by forcing her to see me with Judah, and I really had trouble bearing the sight of Sean with Leonie. I could hardly stand it. I felt myself entering the mood that Riley called sullen.

The footman came in with a tray and carefully unloaded twenty of the fragrant little cups on the dining table on the far side of the room. They didn’t make me hungry, but they did give me an excuse to stay in my apartment.

Circle looked over my shoulder at the scene in the courtyard below. “Ah, Lord Judah is there. If your ladyship wishes to join them, your food could be kept warm.”

“Her ladyship doesn’t wish it,” I said sharply and immediately regretted my tone when Circle shrank away. “I’m sorry. This thing with the clawman has left me a little shaken.”

“Understandable, my lady.” She seemed about to put her hand on my shoulder, but she pulled it back. “My lady, this one will help in any way she can.”

I rubbed my temple and fought to keep back the tears in my eyes. My mouth opened and all my pain flooded out at my spirit sister. I felt that she understood me at an instinctive level, the same way Gail, Cosette, and Parisa did.

“Who could help me? I’m wearing the borrowed flesh of my mother’s daughter and Judah is being forced to marry me and if I don’t cooperate he’ll die? And if I don’t act as if I love him, then a clawman will come? And my child will be clothed in the flesh of another mother’s baby. Tell me, tell me what is there that would help?”

Circle’s eyebrows rose in confusion. “This one doesn’t understand. When your ladyship despises that part of her that belonged to that other baby, you’re despising the flesh of your parents. You’re despising my sister’s spirit and all those other people who are a part of you. We are that process. We are the Original People. Those children, those babies, are in a different form—they’re not dead. And Earth is no longer your only world or your only family.”

I made a ball of white light that floated above my fingers as delicately as a soap bubble. I squeezed it and it popped into a thousand glittering sparks. I knew this would weaken me and I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted something to distract me from my broken heart.

“My lady spills the breath and energy of our people in the air,” Circle whispered. “And the energy of my sister.”

I suddenly felt ashamed, like I had thrown a sandwich on the ground in front of a group of starving refugees. Then I resented even that. In my heartbreak I became rebellious and didn’t care.

“I know I’m a Sworn Asset and that this is what we were created for, but is that all we matter to you? Are we just a means to an end? You know, all I ever wanted to be was an equine veterinarian. My world was horses. I didn’t ask for any of this. You people seem to trade in people’s lives. Why don’t you try explaining that notion to me?”

Circle became very still. “Every life matters even if the form has changed, my lady. The Great Mechanic Ratanga foresaw that our colony must exercise great care in the cultivation of our children in order to be strong enough to return to Shizanna. We have done well and almost no defective children have been born in the past one thousand Earth years. The Great Mechanic Ratanga believed that it would be unjust to leave a defective child live when he or she could be helped. My sister was such a child. But her life mattered. It matters still in you.”

“So you’re saying that I was made with a defective child?”

“My lady, I’m saying that you are perfect as you are. Humans are full of cognitive dissonance. My sister’s difference is your strength.”

Though I wasn’t sure I followed her reasoning, I didn’t pursue it because it would only have hurt Circle. Already I could sense her injury at the slight to her beloved sister. I left the window for the table and forced myself to eat. Unfortunately, the flavors and textures only served to remind me of the meal I had shared with Sean. I kept eating, determined not to look whiny, because Riley claimed I wallowed in self-pity and whined too much. After I finished eating, I went back to the window and saw Methany enter the courtyard below. Leonie and Judah quit laughing. A moment later a footman came with a message for me.

“Your ladyship and the Lord Sean are requested in the throne room,” the footman said with an incline of his head.

I felt the blood rush from my head as images of the clawman flooded in. What if he had been summoned back? I didn’t know if I could withstand another session with the clawman. I looked to Circle in abject terror and swayed on my feet. She grabbed me and helped me to a chair. I pulled a throw over me and rocked back and forth against the cushions. A terror so large filled my chest that my heart could hardly beat.

“I’m not going,” I whispered.

Circle gestured to the footman. He left and a minute later he returned with Sean.

I lay curled up in a fetal position in an overstuffed chair. “I’m not going back into that throne room. I would rather die. That clawman thing was the worst—”

Sean knelt down next to my chair and leaned over me. “It’s okay. Methany promised me there won’t be another clawman. Leonie is furious at what happened to Tardik. She’s already lodged a formal protest to His and Her Majesty. Apparently Naomi and Sylvan used the clawman without following the proper protocols.”

“Naomi said that His and Her Majesty knew about the clawman.”

“Naomi lied. And Leonie said the Picards would never have allowed that to happen to someone as far up in the highborn hierarchy as Tardik.”

The fact that Leonie had all kinds of energy to protest for Tardik’s sake and had nothing to say about what happened to Sean and me didn’t improve my mood.