All I Want Is You (26 page)

I pressed my cheek to his warm shirt. ‘Oh, Ash. Do you think I want to be apart from you? But—’

‘Wait,’ he interrupted. ‘Listen to me.’ He touched my lips, so tenderly, with his fingers. ‘Soon, Sophie, I have to go to Belfield Hall. And I want you to come with me.’

‘
What?
’Slowly I lifted my face to his; I almost laughed
in my despair. ‘How can I return there? I left without notice – they’ll never take me back!’

‘You misunderstand,’ he said quietly. ‘I want you there with me, close to me like
this
, if only for a few days.’

‘But why? No, this is impossible. And the Duchess—’

‘The Duchess has finally moved to the Dower House. I want you with me at the Hall,’ he repeated steadily. ‘And after that, Sophie, I will tell you things about my past that will make you turn your back on me with the contempt I deserve.’

I was as frightened by the look in his eyes as I was by the words he spoke. ‘No. Never. Ash, never.’

He drew me tighter into his arms and cradled me close. ‘You know so little about me. Come with me to Belfield, Sophie –
please
– before you make any decisions. Any promises that you cannot keep.’

I didn’t understand. I was afraid. But I said yes, because I loved him.

Should I have asked him then, about the war? Indeed I should; but Beatrice’s warning had frightened me, and besides I felt – from his own ominous words – that he would tell me everything, all too soon. A week later we set off from London and by nine in the evening we were approaching Oxford, with the full moon casting its silvery light over the familiar countryside.

James was driving the big Daimler and Ash was in the back with me, his arm around me, but even so I felt a growing sense of dread as we passed by the road that led to Belfield Hall. Simply the nearness of the place
where he was the Duke and I had been a lowly servant made the gulf between us, to my mind, gape ever wider.

I wondered if Ash guessed my distress, because he too was silent, until at last he took my hand and said softly, ‘You told me you wanted to visit your mother’s grave.’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘And you’re meeting Nell there in the churchyard tomorrow?’

I nodded. It was Ash who’d suggested to me, as he’d outlined our journey a week before, that I should write to Nell to tell her I was intending to visit the Hall. I’d not written to her for a while, and I’d felt guilty about her eager and prompt reply.

‘She wrote to say that tomorrow is her afternoon off,’ I told him, ‘and I’m to visit the servants’ hall with her afterwards to see the others. But Ash, I don’t understand how—’

‘It will be all right,’ he interrupted. ‘You’ll see.’

I said nothing more, but to me this subterfuge only emphasised what Beatrice had warned – that I could bring Ash nothing but shame. The car rolled on. Ash was still holding my hand steadily. ‘Tonight,’ he said, ‘we’ll stay at an Oxford inn. Tomorrow afternoon James will drop you off in the village, so you can walk on to the churchyard. And your story for Nell will be…?’

I recited it obediently. ‘I’ll tell her I came on the morning train to Oxford and took the bus to the village.’

‘And then?’ he prompted gently.

‘Then I’ll say goodbye to Nell in the servants’ hall and tell her I’m catching the night train back to London.
But really – I’ll be coming up to your rooms… Oh, Ash!’I wrenched myself round to face him. ‘If anyone should see me with you, if you’re recognised with me in Oxford, with Sophie the scullery maid, you will be a laughing stock!’

He gathered me in his arms on the back seat of the big car and as ever I was helpless, because I loved him.

‘After saying goodbye to Nell, you’ll come to me in my rooms at Belfield Hall,’ he repeated with quiet emphasis, ‘and no one except James will know you’re there. No one but James will have access to my private rooms for the whole of our stay. Then we can go round the Hall by night, you and I. Looking for secrets.’

He’d said this before we set off, with his strange half-smile. ‘I need you to help me find my way round all the parts of the Hall I’d normally never have access to, Sophie,’ he’d told me calmly. ‘You once thought I was asking you to be my spy, remember? I wasn’t. But I am now.’

I went over and over all this as the big car purred along the country roads, which were so quiet, so empty after London. ‘Ash,’ I said quietly. ‘Please won’t you tell me exactly what you’re looking for?’

He fondled my hand with his own badly scarred one. ‘Perhaps I’m not quite sure,’ he mused. ‘But I’ll know when I find it. Oh, yes, I’ll know.’

He drew me closer, nuzzling his cheek against my hair, and I wondered again, with a sudden twisting of my heart, what could have possibly happened to him in the war to scar him so badly both mentally and physically.

‘I really do think you’re crazy,’ I said, snuggling against him and tapping his arm in mock rebuke. ‘Hiding a scullery maid in your rooms.’

And I love you, I love you, Mr Maldon.
I didn’t see what he could possibly tell me that would stop me loving him. He held me tightly in his arms, and I stored every hour, every minute in my heart. All too soon we were in Oxford, where we were booked into a small hotel near the railway station. What name he used I wasn’t sure, but despite my fears no one recognised him, and he fell asleep holding me very tight, while I lay awake, watching him as the moonlight stole through the window.

The next afternoon James drove me to Belfield village as we’d arranged. The sun shone, wisps of white cirrus clouds floated high in the blue spring sky, and I walked on to the churchyard in my old coat and bonnet while James drove back to Oxford to take Ash to Belfield Hall. I tidied my mother’s grave beneath the yews and tended some primroses I’d planted there years ago; a robin hopped nearby and the breeze sighed softly through the trees. Then I saw two figures walking towards me, hand in hand. Nell, with Will.

Nell hurried to hug me. ‘Sophie. Sophie!’ Despite her slight lameness she was practically dancing up and down. ‘We’ve got something wonderful to tell you – Will and I are getting married!’

I hugged her back, and I smiled up at Will. ‘I’m so glad,’ I said. ‘So very glad.’

Nell was chattering on. ‘So much has changed at the Hall. The new Duke has had electricity put in, so we’ve
no more dirty oil lamps to clean, you can’t imagine the joy. But the main thing is – the Duke is arriving today! He’s been staying in London – he had lots of business there, apparently. But let’s walk back to the Hall, Sophie, and you can tell us everything – we’ve got so much to talk about.’

That winding drive – oh, the memories. Those tall beech trees, coming into leaf now, lining the driveway. The Hall itself, with its mellow stone and windows gleaming in the sunshine. Those wide steps, leading to the great main doors – I’d scrubbed them many mornings for years, and I remembered how my hands used to be sore, but my head was always filled with dreams of being on stage, of being with Mr Maldon.

He was the Duke of Belfield.
I think it only properly sank in then, as I gazed anew at this massive place. He was lord and master of thousands of acres of land, of factories and mines also, scattered around England; he even had business investments abroad. And I dared to love him. What a fool I was.

The three of us went in by the servants’ door, of course, and down to the servants’ hall. I’d said to Ash that I still thought it madness to be so blatant about my presence there, but he’d shaken his head. ‘On the contrary it’s a well-known tactic – if you’re about to do something secret, keep out in the open for as long as possible.’

They were all expecting me there thanks to Nell, but I was surprised by everyone’s warm welcome. Even Harriet and Betsey were pleasant to me. ‘Tell us about
London!’ they cried. ‘Is it as exciting as people say? Have you really danced on stage?’ Robert said, ‘My, Sophie, you’ve grown into quite a smasher.’ Mrs Burdett was a little stern, but I think she was pleased to see me. As for Nell, she held Will’s hand all the time; I noticed Will didn’t say much, but I hoped that he would be happy.

They’d all have their usual jobs waiting, I knew, so when I’d had my tea with them I said I would have to go and catch the bus back to Oxford. But Nell caught my hand just as I was leaving. ‘I haven’t told you about the Duchess yet, have I, Sophie?’ she whispered. ‘The old witch has moved to the Dower House – she can’t stand having the new Duke in charge here! She’s barely begun to move all her stuff out, there’s so much of it, but at least she’s not living here any more, neither her nor old Miss Stanforth, and the sooner we’re completely rid of her the better. The new Duke is so much kinder to us all.’

Nell came to the servants’ door to wave me goodbye and I waved back as I set off down the drive. But a few minutes later, after turning a corner that hid me from view of the Hall, I hurried in amongst the rhododendrons that filled a section of the park and was soon half running back to the east wing of the house through the cover of a dense shrubbery. Breathlessly I let myself in a small side entrance that I knew was scarcely ever used and raced up the deserted servants’ staircase to knock on the door of Ash’s apartment.

He let me in and I think I simply threw myself into his arms, I was so delighted to see him, and to have reached
him without being discovered. He laughed. He said, ‘I’ve heard of people being dragged through a hedge backwards. Seeing it is something else.’

Only then did I realise that my old coat and bonnet seemed to have half the garden stuck to them – spiders’ webs and twigs and dead leaves. ‘Oh!’ I stared down at myself in utter dismay, but then I began to laugh too. ‘It was your idea,’ I said, steadily advancing on him. ‘Your idea that I run back here through the shrubbery, you impossible, impossible man!’

He started picking twigs from my coat with mock solemnity; I pulled off some spiders’ webs and suddenly, impishly smeared them over his cheek. He picked me up bodily and flung me on his bed. ‘Minx,’ he said. ‘Minx, I can see I’ll have to chastise you.’

‘Oh, God,’ I said, ‘my boots, I’ve got mud all over your bedspread. Oh, Ash…’

‘What, sweetheart?’

‘Oh, Ash, I was a scullery maid. I shouldn’t be here,’ I whispered, the enormity of it all suddenly hitting me as I gazed around his majestic apartment.

‘No?’ he mused. Suddenly I realised that smile was on his face, that look was in his eyes, and my heart missed a beat. He was stroking his chin thoughtfully with his forefinger. ‘A scullery maid,’ he said. ‘A scullery maid. Do you know, I find the idea of you as a scullery maid rather delightful, Sophie.’ His voice changed. ‘Lift your skirt for me.’

I gasped. ‘But someone—’

‘No one will come in. I’ve locked the door.’ He held up the key, and my heart pounded as he started walking slowly
towards me with that predatory look in his eyes.
My man. My beautiful man
. ‘Ah,’ he said softly as he lifted my skirt. ‘Stockings. Button boots. Long knickers. Delicious.’

I was burning for him. ‘Oh, Ash. They’re horrible, absolutely horrible! And surely they’ll be serving your evening meal soon…’

‘Dinner,’ he announced in that gravelly voice of his, ‘can wait.’ He still had my skirt raised and was stroking my thighs all the time. ‘Turn,’ he said softly. ‘Turn, and tell me what you’ve been doing. Whom you’ve seen. What they’re saying below stairs – my beautiful little spy.’

He quickly stripped off my outer garments and arranged me on the bed so my folded arms rested on his pillow, then from behind he started fondling me through the opening of my knickers.
Ah.
Pleasure flooded me. I was in the Duke’s apartments, with this glorious man, and he wanted me, he needed me…

‘Nell came to meet me,’ I managed somehow, ‘and Will too—’

‘Who is Will?’

‘He’s a footman here.’

‘Ah. I remember now. You wrote something about him once, but crossed it out.’

‘He was a friend of mine when I was small… oh!’ My cry of delight was muffled by the pillow.

From behind he’d slipped one finger inside me, and was sliding it round and round. ‘A friend? Was that all?’

My cheeks burned. ‘He… he once thought he was in love with me. But he’s marrying Nell now.’

His hand had stopped moving. I could feel him
reaching in his pocket for something, and I knew what it was – a blindfold. Gently he tied it round my eyes while he went on quietly, ‘Did you let him kiss you when he was courting you? Did you let him touch you?’

‘No! In fact we never really courted – poor Will was in the war, I didn’t see him for years. I didn’t even realise how he felt about me…’

He turned me round and gathered me in his arms, but his embrace couldn’t compensate for the fact that I was in darkness again. He said, ‘Do you realise how
I
feel about you, Sophie?’ His voice was very soft.

No
, I thought desperately.
No, I don’t know at all. I only know it can’t last long. Not when you can’t bear me to see you.
‘I realise you’ve been kind to me,’ I whispered.

‘Kind,’ he said. His voice was hard-edged now. ‘Jesus.
Kind
to you.’ He turned me over his knee, slid my knickers down and began to spank me, gently. ‘A little chastisement,’ he said softly, ‘for letting Will love you.’

I was helpless. His big hand warmed me, teased me again between my legs until I was moaning with desire, then he made me kneel by the bed, my arms on the counterpane, my knees on the thick rug. He caressed my bottom, rubbing it with some sort of oil, then I heard him unbuttoning his fly, his shirt also; so indeed I was desperate for him by the time I felt his heated skin against my back. I relished his weight, I gasped as I felt the potent hardness of his erection nudging between my legs.

He teased me by several times letting his rigid penis slide tantalisingly along my moist folds then pulling back again. My hips lifted to him in despair, but from
the sounds I heard I guessed he was donning a sheath. Then he was back behind me, gripping my waist as I knelt, and with one powerful move he thrust into my vagina, and I began to feel delicious tension building at my core. A light sweat sheened my skin; I raised my bottom high, causing him to slide in even deeper, and all the time his skilled hands were cupping and stroking my breasts, twisting my hardened nipples. I hated being in darkness, but at least he hadn’t tied my hands…