All In My Head (First Tracks Book 1) (6 page)

Ave, babe, then what?

She was waiting for me to say something so I asked, “Kyle
left?”

“Yeah … I told him I wanted some girl time.”

“Things okay with the two of you?” I asked, concerned. Kyle
had been a touchy topic, for obvious reasons. In the early months of their
relationship, I didn’t want to ask too many questions in case I looked jealous.
And, of course, those were all the normal questions you’d ask when your best
friend has a new boyfriend. She was paranoid about sharing too, so we tiptoed
around it, even though she wanted me to ask, and I wanted her to tell me all
about it.

“Yeah, things are great.”

“Really? You can tell me.”

She snuggled down into my bed. The light had already been
off. Just a few slots of street light shone in through the blinds.

“I’m so confused.” She wiggled some more. “I guess sometimes
I feel like an old married couple.”

Trouble in paradise?

I completely ignored Marcus. I was just too shocked to even
deal with him.

They weren’t happy? They could take off and do anything they
wanted after class. All weekend long.
What is wrong with me?
I mentally
slapped myself and said,
“But comfortable can be good too, right? You
don’t have to stress about if you should call him, or if he’s coming over, or
if he wants to do something with you. Everybody else wants that.”

“Yeah, I thought so. But then Jasmine just comes and goes as
she pleases. Did you know she went out to a movie with this guy named Oliver
the other day? I only knew because Meeka told me. So when I asked Jasmine about
her new guy, she told me about seeing Keith, a twenty-eight-year-old who’s part
owner of that deli we used to stop at.”

Hmm. “Maybe you have the greener grass syndrome.”

She laughed. “When did you get so philosophical? You’re
suddenly full of answers.”

“Uh, I don’t know. I mean, I kinda do know how you feel. I
was wondering about Jasmine tonight, if she felt weird being single when you
have Kyle, Dawn has Brandon, and I was sitting with Nash. She acts like she
doesn’t care.”

“I don’t think she does. We’re her group, but then she
doesn’t need us.”

Did that bother us? I wondered why we needed her to need us.
Dawn needed a group—she hated doing anything by herself. She joined whatever
Kristina wanted to do, which was what the guys wanted to do. It was hard to
step back and see if I just went along with that too, but doesn’t everyone?

I’d accidentally steered the conversation away from Kristina
and Kyle, and now I was curious as hell about it. They were having problems? Or
maybe it was just her because they still acted all lovey-dovey. It did seem a
bit odd, in light of this new information, that Kyle had actually spoken to me
and made eye contact. Of course, it didn’t matter a bit, because I had Nash
now. I’d never entertain the thought of liking Kyle again, even if Kris and
Kyle broke up.

“I’m not sure why I’m reconsidering everything either,” I
whispered, even though I was pretty sure it was due to Marcus and his ideas.
Kristina’s breathing was slow and steady. She’d fallen asleep.

Every guy’s dream, lying in bed with two chicks.

Really, after all that, and you’re thinking about getting
laid?

Why not? Nash is.

Marcus

Ave? Wake up, baby. It’s not that late. Come on.

I’d been thinking and felt bad about my comment. I didn’t
want to end the night that way. I tried to get Avery’s eyelids to open but
couldn’t. Damn …

A rustling noise came and went, like the other girl rolling
over.

A whisper: “Night, Ave.” The door clicked shut.

We were alone, again. I was alone.

How was I supposed to sleep? I wanted to hit the weights and
go for a run, a good long hard run in the freezing rain. The cold feels great
when you’re burning up. All this time to think was killing me. Somehow, I know
I’m driven. Busy. On the go. I have something big going on in my life. I just can’t
remember it while I’m here.

I felt the way Avery breathed in soft little breaths, her
hands rolled under her chin and her body curled up in the bed. She nestled into
a ball every time she went to bed. I wanted to fling my arms and legs out and
throw off the bedspread. Then get up and do something.

I imagined pulling in a deep breath and tried to move her.
Nothing. Nada. She was dead out. Lucky. God damn it, this was frustrating as
hell. At the least you’d think I’d be able to feel her up. She had one freaking
amazing body AND DIDN’T KNOW IT. You never find a hot chick without the hot
chick attitude.

Nope. No feeling. No fun together, and we could have some
fun with this.

No memories. No life. No way out as far as I could see.

I needed to get online and find some kind of clue. I needed
to find myself. Avery didn’t believe I was a real person, but I wouldn’t be up
thinking right now if I weren’t real.

Light exploded everywhere.

I spun around, blood pumping and a grin spreading across my
face. The light was electric. Changing. I jumped and tried a slide on the color
waves—it worked for a while and then I wiped out, laughing.

She must have started dreaming. Pictures from her life
floated around. Her dad popped up a lot, laughing, joking, swinging her around
as a little kid. Looked like he was the life of the party … and yet now she
won’t even think about him. Somehow, I knew he was responsible for their
deaths—himself and his wife. I just didn’t have the other puzzle pieces yet.

Then, a picture: the highway, green grass and signs flying
by … Avery was dreaming about riding in a car. I glanced to my left to see
Kyle, the little weasel, smiling and hanging a hand on the steering wheel like
he’d watched too much
Fast and Furious
. Avery laughed. Kyle took her
hand and gave her a gooey, pretty-boy smile.

Effing A.

Don’t fall for it, babe!

Then it all hit me. I was here, in her world.

Ave! Look at me.

 I waited but she didn’t blink or turn her head.

Avery, can you hear me?

This was different.

I’d been sneaking looks at her in mirrors and windows, and
even in her memories, but it felt strange to be able to stare at her for so
long. I reached over the seat to run my hand down her long hair but my hand
slipped through. Weird.

Pictures flashed quickly, like her memory went on fast
forward. Dinner. A movie. Kissing in the theater. Typical date, right? Yo,
Kyle, grow some big boy parts and take her on a hot air balloon or sky diving
or at least skiing.

More car pictures. More smoochie looks and hand holding.
This was exactly how Kyle acted with Kristina. I wanted to punch him even more.
Not sure why it bothered me so freaking much. For all I know, I’m a womanizer
too. Maybe I have a girlfriend. Maybe I take home a different girl all the time
… But it seemed like I’d remember if I had some beautiful girlfriend. An image
flashed through the other pictures—a sweet face, honey blond hair, dimples,
laughing blue eyes. I tried to hold it and look closer but it faded quickly.

That didn’t seem like my type.

Avery was my type. She’d slap me if I told her so, but I
felt it a hundred percent. She had a unique face. Haunting eyes. Wild hair.
That edgy, sexy look that said independent, fun and not too revealing.

We were in the car again but also just floating with
pictures going by. I leaned forward.

So Ave, I’d love to use your hands and run them up your body.
Except now that I’m right here, I could use my hands. Let’s ditch the dork and
have some fun. If we’re just dreaming and all.

Nothing. Figured as much, which is why I let myself be so
crass. I wouldn’t actually talk to her that way. Just wanted a reaction.
Christ. I’m defending myself, to myself. Female behavior 101.

Her mind went to a house. She went inside with Kyle where
two guys sat on a black leather couch together, watching a giant flat screen TV
that cost more than everything else in the room combined, and probably their
crap cars out front too. A few beer cans were sitting on the worn, cheap coffee
table.

“Want a beer?” the blond guy asked, holding up his can in the
air. Didn’t get up or anything. Didn’t greet Avery.

Suddenly I knew I treated women well. I was sure of it. Give
good stuff into life, get good out. Treat others like you want to be treated.
Feel the love. Was I a hippie or something?

“I’ll take one,” Kyle said, heading to the fridge. “Avey?”

Avey? What the fuck. I shook my head, wanting to laugh out
loud at the guy so he’d hear.

“Oh … no, not right now. Thanks.” She slid her hands in her
pockets, then pulled them out to fold her arms. She didn’t look comfortable at
all, and the two pinheads hadn’t offered her a seat or something else to drink.

That was another thing I just realized. I didn’t hang out in
crappy places like this, wasting time in front of a TV.

Kyle came back and pulled Avery onto his lap in an oversized
chair. It looked like it probably had layers of semen soaked in over the years.
They were watching
Jackass
or something stupid like that, where this guy
was jumping on a dirt bike and plowing into things. The three guys laughed and
talked around Avery. Even without being in her body, in this dream anyway, I
felt the rigid line of her back. She tried to lean back relaxed-like but I
could see it.

Kyle pushed Avery up, standing with her, and grabbed her
hand. “Come on.”

She looked relieved for a second but he walked toward the
back of the house. One of the guys threw a look back but neither said anything.
Obviously that was why Kyle had brought Avery over. Kyle went straight into a
room, shut the door and pulled Avery against him, kissing her.

Thank effing God I wasn’t in her head for that.

Kyle ran his hands under her shirt.

AVERY! Wake the fuck up!

She ran her hands up his arms like she liked it. Then, she
pushed him back a bit. “Kyle … your friends are right out there …”

“It’s cool. Jacob said we could use the room.”

Avery and I looked at the unmade bed at the same time. The
light tan sheet looked darker in the middle from built-up sweat and oil stains,
and the blanket was on the floor. She shuddered.

I swung at Kyle but my fist went right through his head.

No! I tried again. Same thing.

It’s a dream. We’re all fake here. They should see me, damn
it.

Avery glanced at the door and back at Kyle. Her gaze dropped
to his mouth, and that’s all the encouragement he needed. He went after her again
like he was trying to resuscitate her.

I turned and walked at the door, thinking I’d go through. I
ran into it.

What the hell?

Avery, get me out of here!

I yelled it right in her face, the part that wasn’t getting
sucked into Kyle’s mouth anyway. I verped in my mouth and swallowed acid,
surprised to feel something so clearly. That hadn’t been happening in her head.

I paced around them, swinging at Kyle until I broke out in a
sweat. He unhooked her bra.

“Kyle—”

“Shh.” He pulled her down on the bed, on her back, then
tried to roll on top of her. She twisted so he couldn’t, and he went back to
reaching up her shirt.

It’s a memory. An effing memory. I couldn’t stop it if it
already happened. But I didn’t have to watch either. I paced, looking at the
door, trying not to listen to Kyle’s disgusting moans.

“Kyle, wait … I want to talk about it.”

“What’s there to talk about?” he asked. “We’re in love and
we’ve waited a long time.”

“It’s just this place. I don’t like it.” She sounded so
small. Scared. How could Kyle not hear that? Was his boner stuck up in his
ears?

“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. I want you so bad, Avey.” He
went for her neck. I couldn’t keep my eyes off them. I wanted to rip him up,
break some ribs, pull her out of here.

I’d never felt so helpless—it was my helplessness and hers.

Shit. I was feeling her fear … her rapid heartbeat … her
stomach coiling in on itself … the sickness pooling in her lower abdomen, a mix
of arousal and unease. She wanted this with Kyle, a little, but she was freaked
out even more.

He whispered in her ear and on her neck for a while. I tried
talking to her, tried forcing my way into her body so I could fight him off,
but this wasn’t the same. Kyle pulled her shirt up while he slid down, putting
his mouth on her stomach. He pulled her shirt farther up, pushing her bra out
of the way—

I looked away. I’d been dying for a peek but not like this.

 I punched his head with both fists, right left, right left,
knowing it wouldn’t work. I didn’t care.

STOP!

I yelled loud enough the entire block should have heard. I
knew she didn’t want to do this.
He
knew it, the bastard. She pushed
against him and he grabbed her wrist to pull her hand up over her head.

“Kyle,
NO
.” The firmness in her voice brought his
head up. Suddenly I heard his hoarse breathing, scrapping in and out of his
lungs. He ground his hips against her even while she said no. “I don’t want our
first time together here. It’s gross. I want to leave. Now.”

“Avey, come on.”

“NOW! Stop. Let me up.”

He yelled a guttural, animal noise as he shoved off the bed
hard. Ave recoiled, both in fear and pain. Kyle whipped around and threw his
fist into the drywall, burying his hand for a second.

“Dude!” A guy yelled from the other side of the door. “Take
it easy on my bed!”

Kyle didn’t answer. He turned with his fist in his other
hand, glaring at Avery.

My stomach fell out of me. The asshole was going to hit her
and I couldn’t stop him. I lunged anyway, went through him, screamed.

“Whatever.” Kyle snorted and it turned into a cruel laugh.
“Whatever.” He threw a hand up in the air, almost like flipping her off, like
she was being a child.

The moment replayed until I lost count.

Whatever.

Whatever.

Whatever.

Her heart came through clear to me, like
she
was
inside
me
. Something died. Shame filled her when she didn’t do anything
wrong. Humiliation bloomed. Disappointment, confusion, hurt. Going from
innocence to knowing there was a price to keep him.

Was she not good enough without that? Why did he want to
rush it, have it there like it didn’t matter at all to him? If he liked her so
much, why couldn’t he wait a little while?

I hunched down so I could take her hands, only I couldn’t.

I’m here.

Kyle flung the door open and left. Avery scurried after him
and I followed her. He said something to the two guys and grabbed another beer,
downing it standing right in front of the open fridge, then burped.

“I’m outta here.”

“See ya,” Blondie called. Avery followed Kyle outside to the
car.

He stopped outside the driver side door and stared at her a
long minute. So many words came to mind but I was emptied out.

The feelings Kyle should have felt, were hers.
He took
something special and left dirty things.
I felt her think it, as if she
realized that later on, but in this dream remembered it.

Kyle made a noise and unlocked the car. He didn’t drive off.
Avery got in, her body stiff like a dead rabbit I had to move off a porch once.

Was that my memory? I remembered something. But it didn’t
matter now. I went with them as they drove in silence. Kyle went to the college
and she got out at a stop sign and started walking. Never looked back. Just
walked, her head high, her eyes straight ahead, but her arms folded across
herself in defense, not strength.

Watching her walk away like that hurt almost more than
everything else.

I had to pull back away from the pain.  I wanted to kill
Kyle. First I’d slam him to the ground and stomp a foot on his neck. Call him a
piss ant and every other name I could think of.

Avery kept walking and we passed the dorms. She just kept
walking. Soon I realized this wasn’t a walk to a place. It was just a walk, a
path away, and one she’d been on for a while.