All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) (27 page)

This is exactly what I need to do.

“There was this girl with pale yellow hair and sky blue eyes that had tears running down her face as she stood surrounded by evil. People so disgusted with their lives that they took pleasure in making others miserable, the same way the guy watching did. She was hurt, scared and in need of rescue. She needed one person to stand up and say that what was happening to her was wrong and the minute her eyes locked on his, it was there. His purpose. His one shot at redemption. It was all there in her eyes.”

“It wasn’t an easy road for him, he made a few mistakes along the way, but this girl, even when he scared her, never left his side. She believed in him. She saved him from drowning. She brought this lost boy back to life just by being who she is.”

“She couldn’t speak, only able to text and write but every single text, every letter, every word shared between them, he kept. He saved them and has them in a shoe box under his bed a year later. That’s the impact she made on his life just being in it. Accepting his flaws and cracks and being the crazy glue that brought it all back together. She made him whole again.”

I don’t think I
’ve ever spoken this much since we got together. The words just continue to pour out of me with no end in sight. The only reason I stop at all is because this story, the one I’m telling her, it’s us and it’s so real that it’s making me feel again. The same way I did with my mom not that long ago. It’s there on the surface, I can feel it, but I can’t do it, not until I’m done.

I cannot cry
. I need to be strong. As strong as she is.

“This guy, he never talked about it, bu
t after she made him whole, there was still one thing he held deep inside. It was something that if brought to the surface would be the very thing that would keep them apart. He struggled with his own self-worth, believing that this girl he loved so deeply deserved someone better than him. He never let it show when they were together, keeping it to himself until it couldn’t be his secret alone anymore.”

“Belle,” I sigh, breaking from my fictional story because of the reality in what I’m about to say next. “I’ve never had to deal with jealousy before. I had nothing to be jealous of. I was so disconnected that no one around me mattered. When we got together, all of that changed. I had a reason to be jealous because I knew someone would
see this amazing girl I was with and want her for themselves. Seeing you with Isaac, something in me finally snapped. You were mine and even though I knew deep down you deserved better, I couldn’t let you go.”

“I was ready to fight to the death in order to keep you. I couldn’t let you leave the way everyone else did. All I
could see was Isaac and how not being able to talk, he was better suited for you than I was. He understood you. It didn’t even matter that you didn’t look at him that way. It only mattered that he could be what I couldn’t.”

Shit. They’re falling now. Damn tears. I’m gonna choke on this, I can feel it. I’m going to break down right here and it’s all going to fall apart, just like me.

“We had something, Belle. Right from the day in the parking lot when you looked at me. We connected. I’ve never felt anything like it before and I was so scared it would disappear. I didn’t realize how powerful the connection really was until our anniversary. Taking you to the beach, what we shared making love, it was cataclysmic. It made what started that day in the parking lot a lot deeper. More meaningful.”

“The problem with that is, I was already feeling like I wouldn’t be enough. Your closeness to Isaac, Dillon, hell even Eric last year, it was all there
pushing at me and reminding me I’m disposable. That’s what I saw at school. Me losing you. My connection to you was so strong that it fed into my insecurities until…”

I can’t finish that sentence. I can’t say the words out loud.

“I was wrong. I saw things that weren’t there. I was so angry that I was ready to push you away before you had the chance to leave. What happened that day in the quad never should have happened. It was all in my head and one stupid second of time almost took you away from me forever.”

“Belle, the stor
y of the special girl that changed the world, she did it because she changed me.
My world.
But she’s missing right now and I need her to come back. I can’t do this, make any of this right without her. So please, if you can hear me, come back now. Don’t leave me here alone.”

The only sound in the room
as I finish is the sound of my own voice while I sit here laying it all at her feet and praying that she’ll open her eyes so I can say the only thing left that I have to say.

I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Right now, the way I feel inside after saying all of that, it’s like I’m a kid again and we’re having a day of show and tell at school. I’ve done the tell part, but now it’s time for me to show. I need to show her what I remembered about our time together and hope that it’s the one thing that will bring her back to me.

That’s where my phone comes in.

In the spring right after I turned five, Belle had a party because her birthday was right after mine. Her mom had decorated the whole house with streamers, balloons and even princess door covers. She had cupcakes by the dozen, all lined up on these trays that seemed to lift into the air, going on for miles. Everything was pink and girly, but it was perfect because it was the one thing Belle showed interest in.

She loved her princesses and even though I’ll never admit it to another living soul, I loved them too because the way she lit up whenever we p
layed with the ones she had was beyond epic. She became an entirely different person whenever we played with those dolls.

About two hours in, things became too much for her. She started hitting herself in the head, even bending over when that wasn’t good enough and attempting to smash her head off the floor. She was crying, squealing really loud and it scared me.

I didn’t understand it at the time because autism wasn’t even on my radar, but her mom stopped everything, ushering us both into the living room and immediately pulled Belle up into her lap, cradling her close.

It’s only after a few seconds passed watching them that I realized what was happening. Grace was singing to
her, but it was low, almost like she was whispering. I remember moving closer and finally hearing what it was she was singing and that’s when I hopped up on the sofa and joined in, keeping my tiny little voice quiet, just like Grace until whatever Belle was going through eventually stopped and she was okay again.

After all the turmoil I’ve brought into her life since I landed back in it a year ago, not to mention everything I put her through leading up to it, I need to do this for her. If my singing the song with her mom worked at making things right for her before, I want to do it again.

I need to do it.

Picking my phone up off the bed, I scoot the chair as close as I can get it to where her body is restin
g, her hand lying still in front of me. Sliding my hand into hers, locking our fingers together, I use my free hand to push the play button on my now lit up screen and I send up a little prayer that no one comes in and sees me using my phone before I get to see this through all the way.

As the music starts playing, my lips part and I start saying the words first, before taking it a step further and singing them as softly and as closely to her as I can manage.

“You are my sunshine….”

Chapter Twenty-Four

Belle

My head hurts.

These don’t feel like my sheets.

I’m freezing.

Why is it so dark?

The thoughts filter through on a loop, one after the other as I shift my body in the unfamiliar bed and slowl
y open my eyes.

Where am I?

Wanting to open my mouth to say the words out loud, the room becoming clearer the wider I’m able to make my eyes raise, I take in the still form in the chair to my left and the faint outline of another body leaning against a door.

I recognize this. It’s a scene I’ve been a part of before. The only difference is, this time I’m the one in the bed and I have no idea how I got here.

Pushing my hands down onto the stiff mattress, my weak attempt at giving myself some stability in order to try and sit up, the body by the door moves and before I know it, hands are on my shoulders weighing me back down into the position I was attempting to change.

Looking up even though even the slightest movement upwards causes the pain in my head to ache that much more, I catch sight of who it is and the panic settles. It’s not some random person and I don’t have anything to fear.

It’s my mom.

“Honey, don’t make any sudden movements.”

Maybe I have something to fear after all if she’s saying it like that.

“M—M
.”

“Belle, I know you’re scared and you wanna move and
talk, but don’t okay? Let me get the doctor. He’s going to want to know you’re awake. Please just lay still until I get back.”

She turns, but where I expect her to move over by the door again, she leans over the other body and speaks, her tone hushed
leaving me completely unable to pick up on anything she’s saying. After a few seconds she moves and true to what she told me, she’s going through the door, leaving me alone with Kayden.

With the way he’s looking at me, his face a mixture of relief and what looks like fear, I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t even know how I ended up here, so having this be the expression
I’m met with when I wake up is unsettling.

“You have no idea how amazing it feels to have your eyes on me, sunshine.”

Sunshine.

Why does that sound so familiar?

“K—K.”

“Shhh baby.” He hushes
. “Wait for your mom to come back.”

I want to say more, but it hurts too much to speak. My throat is so dry that even trying to form the most basic syllable makes it burn, which just makes my head hurt even worse than it did when I moved.

It also doesn’t help that there’s a million questions running through my head.

What happened to me? Why am I here right now and why can’t I seem to remember anything af
ter hugging Isaac?

Catching his smile before allowing my eyes to close, the pressure from my head making it too hard to maintain that level of eye contact anymore, I do the only thing I know in the moment won’t ma
ke anything I’m experiencing worse. I smile back and I hear him clear his throat before dragging the chair across the floor and resting his hands on top of mine.

“You scared the shit out of me, Isabelle.” He says and his tone, it’s not light the way it’s been over the last few weeks. It’s hard. Serious.

Parting my lips again, wanting to try and get some words out even if they don’t sound exactly the way I want, I put all the energy I’ve built up since I woke up and focus until one syllable falls.

“K…”

“I’m here, sunshine. I’m not leaving, I swear. Just take it easy until your mom and the doctor get back.”

There it is again. That word. Why is that one word affecting me so much? Better yet, why is he calling me that at all? He’s never done it before.

God I really need some water or something. I need to speak.

A burst of air falls across the bed and raising my eyes slowly, I see the reason for it. My mom is back and she’s not alone. There’s a man in a white coat with her. 

After picking up the chair and placing it back in the corner, Kayden backs away from the bed and leans against the wall close to the door as my mom and the doctor position themselves around me.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Isabelle. My name is Doctor Holbrook.”

That’s great for him, really it is, but I don’t want his name. I want to know what I’m doing here and why my head hurts so badly.

“She tried to talk earlier. Would it be alright if we got her some water?”

I’ve never been so thankful for Kayden. The way the doctor is talking to me, it’s like he wants some kind of response and until I clear my throat, he’s pretty much out of luck.

My mom moves first, making her way out of the room again and from his position by the door, I can just barely make out Kayden’s lips as they’re forming words. Two of them followed up with a warm smile.

You’re welcome.

Closing my eyes again, prepared to wait out the minutes until my mom comes back, I’m not prepared for how quickly it happens. It feels like the second I shut them, she’s back and my hand is b
eing wrapped around a cold Dixie cup with the weight of her hand squeezing mine.

Bringing it
to my lips, I drink it in one swallow and my mom laughs before she takes it out of my hand and I attempt to open my eyes again in order to deal with the doctor.

“What—happened?”

“You don’t know?” Holbrook asks and I shake my head slowly, moving at a snail’s pace so the pounding I’ve been dealing with for the past few minutes doesn’t get worse.

“There was an accident, honey. You fell and hit your head.”

An accident? I fell? When?

The last thing I remember is being with Isaac at school. Hugging him. Oh god. Did Isaac get hurt too?

“Isaac?”

“He’s at home. He was here earlier to check on you, but couldn’t stay long.”

My heart settles when my mom tells me he’s okay. The last thing I wanted to hear is that something happened to him. The only problem I have now is, why can’t I remember anything else?

“How much do you remember before the paramedics brought you here, Isabelle?” The doctor cuts in again and I frown. If I remembered anything about what got me here, I would have said it already.

“School with Isaac.”

“That’s it?” Kayden cuts through and there’s som
ething about the way he asks that worries me. It’s like he was hoping I would have remembered more, but I don’t have the first clue why.

“Yes.”

He exhales loudly and I’m pretty sure I hear him swearing under his breath. Whatever I can’t remember, it’s big and I need someone to tell me before things get a whole lot worse than just my head hurting.

“Someone tell me what happened.”

“You fell as your mother said and you were knocked unconscious. Upon arrival we assessed you, took scans of your brain and it appears as though you suffered a concussion. You also had an abrasion from the fall, but that has since been stitched up. There was no permanent damage, though you were out far longer than we expected you to be.”

I fell. Hit my head, passed out unconscious and broke my head open. I’m glad I know what happened to me now, but that doesn’t explain how
it happened in the first place. What aren’t they telling me?

“How long was I out?”
             

“Three days.” My mom says and I cringe. I’ve lost three days of time and it doesn’t even feel like I’ve had a full night’s sleep other than my body being stiff. How is that even possible?

“How did it happen?”

“I believe I’ll leave your family to answer that. In the meantime, I’m happy to see you awake and alert. I will be back later to check on you.” He finishes but doesn’t turn to leave. Instead he leans forward, placing his fingers on opposite ends of my head, moving around every few seconds, obviously checking out his earlier handiwork.

The stitching they did while I was out cold.

Backing away, obviously content with what he’s seen, he nods one final time toward my mom and turns, exiting the room and leaving me alone again with the only two people I have left to get answers from.

I just hope one of them is willing to give them to me.

“Please tell me how this happened and no matter how bad you think it is, don’t leave anything out. I want to know what I can’t remember.”

Kayden moves first, pulling away from his place on the wall, moving the chair beside the bed again and sitting himself back in it, leaning over until his body is connected to mine. The look in his eyes now is pained and it turns me inside out. It also doesn’t help that when he connected to me again, I didn’t feel the way I normally do.

I felt disconnected instead of complete.

Whatever happened to me, it’s got something to do with him.

“Isabelle.” My mom starts and despite the pain I know it’s going to cause, I shake my head. I don’t want her to tell me. The look on her face since I woke up hasn’t been pained, it’s been hopeful, happy even. The complete opposite of Kayden. If anyone is going to tell me what happened, it’s him.

“Grace, it’s okay. I think I need to be the one to tell her.”

The way he speaks up,
as if he’s reading my mind calms me. It also makes my earlier assessment true. What happened to me, it’s got everything to do with the guy gripping tightly onto my hand. 

The guy I love so much.

“I’ll give the two of you some time alone, but Belle, I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

Once she releases my hand a
nd makes her way from the room, I turn back to face him and see the same look from a minute ago. The hurt, guilt and pain all combining together and making his face, the one that a few days ago had been so bright and lifted, sag in a way I don’t like.

He opens his mouth to speak and as I anticipate him telling me how all of this happened, finally being able to put a vision to what I’m dealing with now, he goes in a direction I don’t see coming.

“It’s my fault, Belle. What happened, it was me. I did it.”

Kayden

After getting my head screwed back on straight, coming here, singing to her and telling her the story of us, I fought with myself. I wanted to take off again before she woke up because I didn’t want the love she has for me, the look that it gives her whenever we’re together, to change into something else.

I didn’t want love to turn into hate. After everything we’ve been through, I never want to go back to the way it was before when she hated me for leaving her.

It’s the thought of her hating me for leaving again that kept me planted in that horrible chair all night, waiting for her to wake up, despite the fear I have of reliving what I did to her.

I hoped that when she woke up, she would remember so I wouldn’t
have to start at the beginning. Her memory loss, a normal part of what she suffered gives me exactly what I deserve.

She deserves to have me go through it all, despite knowing what it’s going t
o bring to the surface. It’s my penance. It’s me bringing the story I told her to life again.

The boy I told her about, the one that saw his one shot at redemption in her eyes needs to face the girl down again and earn it a second time.

Earn it for the last time.

“What do you mean you did it?”

Lowering my head, averting my eyes away from hers, the guilt already taking hold and drowning me, I say the words that I know will change everything. The ones that are gonna make her hate me for sure.

“I hit you. I’m the reason you fell.”

Her hand goes rigid under mine, which makes me lift my head again and what I’m met with, the look on her face, it rips me apart.

Her eyes go wide and then she flinches, the pain she’s experiencing in her head obviously too much for her. It was hard enough knowing that I’m the reason this happened, but to cause her even more pain after I swore again that I wouldn’t, it destroys me.

“You—hit me?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand.” Her hand relaxes and I tighten my hold the minute it happens, a feeling of relief washing over me. It’s not much, but her not being tense, it’s enough for me right now. It’s a whole lot more than I deserve.

“I figured that. Belle, I want to tell you everything, but I’m scared.”

“Why?”

“Because when I tell you what happened, I think you’re going to leave me and even tho
ugh you probably should for the things I said and did, I don’t know how I’m gonna handle it if it happens.”

“I’m never leaving you, Kay.”

God damnit. I want to believe in those words so fucking bad right now. I want them to be true, but just with the things I accused her of before I went after her friend, I can’t trust in it.

“I don’t think you’ll feel the same after I explain.”