All of Me (37 page)

“When will she
wake up?” Nathan asked hoarsely.  He kept the baby monitor’s activity in the
corner of his vision at all times.

“They’ll keep her
sedated for a while.  To give her body a chance to rest.”  The nurse tucked an
errant curl back into Stella’s hair net.  “I imagine she’ll be up tomorrow some
time.”

Nathan opened his
mouth to ask how the baby was getting nutrition with Stella under, but he never
got the words out.  Because the Ciaramitaro Cyclone was coming.

He heard them a
few seconds before he saw them; their voices a manic, joyful blitz as they
busted into the OR. 

“The doctor just
said she’s okay?”  Gigi said, pushing past Nathan to get to Stella’s side.

“The baby’s fine?” 
Fi asked, pushing past Nathan
and
Gigi.

“He said she’s
sedated?”  Nina tried shoving past everyone, but eventually gave up and walked
around to Stella’s other side.

“Dear God, let the
man answer!” Kat said with an exasperated sigh.  She turned to Nathan.  “The
doctor was too tired to do much more than give us a brief update.  What did he
tell you?”

Nathan relayed the
info he’d been given.  “I’m surprised they let you back here,” he said.

“I dared them to
try and stop us!”  Gigi bent over Stella, whispering and laying a necklace of
some sort over her neck.

“Gigi almost ran
the guard down.  And Nina actually threatened to arrest someone if they didn’t
let us back here,” Fi said, grinning.  She pulled Stella’s hand out from under
the sheet and held it. 

“You tried to
sneak in!” Gigi said, leaning down to give Stella a kiss on the forehead. 

“You guys are
smothering her, for God’s sake,” Kat said.  She used her cane to get her
sister’s to make some room at Stella’s bedside.  But then, despite her
chastisement about smothering, Kat pressed her cheek to Stella’s forehead.

With all sisters
crowded around Stella, Nathan felt like an outsider.  And like he didn’t
deserve to be there after everything he’d put Stella through for the past four
months.  He turned to walk out with plans of coming back in a little while
after her sisters cleared out.

“Where do you
think you’re going?”  Gigi called out.

Nathan turned.  “I
thought I’d give you guys some privacy.”

“Get over here.” 
Gigi gestured to the spot next to Stella’s head. 

“I’ll come back
later.  You guys take some time with her.”  He left the room.

A moment later,
Kat came out into the hallway.  “You hanging in there?” she asked, her eyes as
dark and deep as Stella’s as she studied him. 

“Yeah.”

But then Nathan
fell apart.  Out of nowhere, all of the tension, relief, shame, anger, and
gratitude slammed into him.  And poured out of him.

Kat took pity on
him and pulled him into a one-armed hug.  She was a foot shorter than he was
and relying on her cane, but Kat did an admirable job of holding them both up
as Nathan’s huge frame shuddered against her slight one. 

“We aren’t mad at
you, you know,” Kat said softly.  “We know you had…personal stuff…to work
through.  And that we all get through things in our time.  The important thing
is that you’re here now.”

“Shouldn’t this be
the other way around?  The police officer comforting the family member?”  Danny
asked, his voice coming from over Nathan’s shoulder.

Nathan
straightened up and turned to face Danny.

“He
is
a
family member,” Kat replied in a clipped tone as she patted Nathan’s arm a few
times. 

Nathan was humbled
by her misguided defense.  Danny had only been kidding, but Kat’s sense of
humor was as MIA as Nathan’s and she’d jumped to defend him against what she’d
perceived as a slight.  It made Nathan feel…nice.  And undeserving.

“Yeah, I know.  I
was just joking,” Danny said, eyeing Kat warily.  He was used to most women
acting like sycophants; laughing at everything he said and tripping over each
other to lick his police boots.  From the subtle tone in his voice, he wasn’t
too happy Kat hadn’t gotten the memo.  He cleared his throat, put his hands on
hips, and met Nathan’s eyes.  “How’s Stella, D?  The doctor said she’s gonna
pull through just fine?”

Nathan nodded. 
“Looks like it.  And the baby is fine too.”

Thank God.

“I’m going to go
make sure Gigi isn’t rearranging Stella’s tubes because she thinks she can do
it better than the doctor,” Kat said with one last pat to Nathan’s arm.  “See
you in there.”  She walked back into the OR, waving off Nathan’s attempt to
hold the door.

“Jesus, what’s her
problem?” Danny looked in Kat’s direction. 

“Her sister and
niece just almost died from a gun shot wound,” Nathan said without any malice
whatsoever.  He actually felt his lips pull up into a tiny smile because
watching Danny wonder where his groove had gone was damn entertaining.  “And
she doesn’t speak boot-licking, nonsense, or bullshit, so you might have
trouble conversing with her.  Just some advice for the future.”

Danny barked out a
loud laugh.  “Oh, you asshole.  No wonder you two get along so well.  No sense
of humor and as dry as the Sahara, both of you.”

Nathan folded his
arms over his chest and turned to look into the OR. 

Danny rested his
arm around Nathan’s shoulders.  At Nathan’s brow, Danny shrugged.  “If she gets
to hug you, so do I, partner.”  He dropped his voice to a whisper.  “
Thank
God
they’re okay, Nathan. 
Jesus Christ
…”  Danny shook his head,
eyeing the OR scene.  “For a while there, I was sure we’d lost her.”

Nathan choked on
his reply. 

“You and me both,
Mac.  You and me both.” 

Chapter
Thirty-One

Stella tried
opening her eyes, but her lids were too heavy to lift.

What the hell…

She tried again
and only managed to get them open a crack. 

Stella’s whole
body felt like dead weight.  It wasn’t quite a hangover feeling…more like a
massive flu.  Stiff and heavy and so exhausted she couldn’t do much more than
work on her eyelid action.

“Stella?  Are you
awake?”  Nathan’s voice sounded thick and hoarse.  And very close.  Someone
squeezed her hand.  “Stella, baby?  Can you hear me?”

When Stella parted
her lips to answer, she was surprised to find them slick.  She darted her
tongue out and tasted bubble gum.

What the…

She cleared her
parched throat.  “Why in the hell do my lips taste like bubble gum?”  Stella
was shocked at the hoarseness of her voice.  And how much it hurt to speak.

Nathan exhaled a
deep laugh.  “Your sisters have been slathering your lips with a various
assortment of lip balms,” he answered, rubbing the back of her hand. 

“Why?”  When
Stella tried to sit up, she couldn’t.  She was just too stiff and too tired. 
And her chest wall hurt like hell. 

She hadn’t even
managed to get her eyelids open yet.  “And why can’t I move?”

Stella tried
opening her lids again, this time managing to get them open enough to see.  She
blinked hard, trying to focus in the low light of the room.  When she tried to
sit up – actually getting a little movement from a shoulder, Nathan placed a
hand there.

“Don’t try and
move, Stella.”  When she turned her head slightly to meet his eyes, she found
them welled with tears and red-rimmed.  “God, I am so happy you are awake.”

“Why are you
crying?”  Stella tried sitting up again.  “And why do you keep pushing me back
down?” she said, exhaling a frustrated sigh when Nathan gently pressed her back
into the mattress.

“Do you remember
what happened?  In the ER?” 

Stella’s awakening
dawned as she realized she was in the hospital. She recognized the ugly floral
border, gross beige walls, and white board that said,
“Your Nurse’s Name
Is:  Carol G.”
 

“Why…”  Stella
yanked on Nathan’s hand, suddenly terrified.  “Oh, my God, Nathan!  Is it the
baby?”  She tried to feel around her abdomen, but her hands were slow to
respond to her brain’s commands. 

“The baby is fine,
Stella.  She’s fine.”  Nathan pointed to a fetal monitor next to Stella’s bed. 
“See?  They left that up for me because…well, I was worried.  So they kept the
baby hooked up.”  He gestured toward the even, perfectly lovely blips on the
screen.”  “See?  She’s fine.  Tough like her mother,” he said with a slight
smile.

“Then what?” 
Stella wracked her brain to think why she would be in the hospital when it hit
her.  All at once. 

She turned to look
at Nathan.  “The homeless guy.  The paranoid schizophrenic…”  Stella’s memories
flooded her brain: the guy pulling away from her grip, grabbing a gun out of
his boot, and firing wild shots.  The searing pain of a bullet hitting her
somewhere.  The sheer terror of knowing the baby was in danger.

“He shot me,” she
said and Nathan nodded.  “Where?”

“Your right lung. 
I can’t remember the specifics, but air and blood was getting into your lung
and they had to fix a nicked artery.”

Stella’s eyes
widened.  “The bullet hit an artery?”  When Nathan nodded again, she shook her
head slightly.  “I can’t believe I survived.”

“The surgeon said
if you had been anywhere else other than the hospital, you probably wouldn’t
have made it.”  Nathan’s voice was heavy and deep and full of a mix of awful,
painful, sad emotions as he met her eyes.  “I almost lost you, Stella.  Both of
you.  I don’t know what I would have done…”

“
Oh, honey
…” 
Stella squeezed Nathan’s hand back, which was about all she could do at the
moment.  “You should have known me better than that.”  She cracked a small
smile.  “I’d never let you off that easy.  I’m gonna be torturing you for a
long time to come.  The baby too.  Don’t worry about that.”

Nathan cracked the
tiniest of smiles.  “A smart ass to the bitter end,” he said with such
affection Stella tried laughing. 

She looked down at
the chest tube and was happy to see the fluid draining was clear and not too
heavy.  Her smile faded when saw Nathan’s expression.  He looked terrified. 
Like she and the baby might still die right before his eyes. 

“
Nathan
…” 
She pulled on his hand until he leaned in closer.  “You don’t have to worry
anymore.  We’re fine.  The danger has passed.  They’ll keep me on antibiotics
for infection and everything will be just fine.”

“It’s never going
to be fine, Stella!  Because I’ll never be able to protect you.  Or the baby. 
Not really.  I’ll try and do the best I can, but I can’t keep you locked up in
a bubble at home.  There’s always going to be danger and…”  Nathan blew out a
hard breath and grabbed at his neck.  “I don’t know how to do this, Stella. 
How to…I don’t…”  He scoffed.  “…love someone, I guess.  I don’t think I can do
it.  I can’t stand having so much to lose.  I’ve never had anything to lose
before.  I don’t think I can do it.  I don’t know how.”

“You’re already
doing it,
caro
,” Stella whispered.  “And don’t think I don’t know how
you feel.  I’ve been worried sick about you every minute of every shift since
we met.  Being in a relationship with police officer in east Cleveland is not
my idea of a quiet, serene life.  But I love you and I’d rather be with you and
worried to death than be without you.”

Her eyes welled. 
“And being with you is the safest thing for me and the baby, Nathan.  You’ve
taken care of us for three months and you’ll continue doing it forever.”  When
Nathan scoffed, she leveled a hard gaze on him.  “You did.”  She cracked a tiny
smile.  “Yeah, you could have spent more time with me than in the bushes, but
you were there.  And you took care of us all along.  And now you’re back with
us…where you belong.”  Stella searched his eyes, smile fading.  “Right?” she
whispered.  “You’re back with us?  For good?”

“I’m never leaving
your side again,” Nathan declared so fervently Stella shivered. 

“Thank God.”

Nathan held her
gaze tightly.  “Stella, I am so sorry.  For everything.  And I meant what I
said…that - if you’ll have me – I never want to be apart again.  But I’m still
a fucking mess.  Always was and probably always will be.  And, God…I am so
afraid you’ll wise up and walk out on me.  And then I don’t know what I’ll do. 
I can’t live without you, Stella.  Now that I have you, I can’t ever go back. 
I never want to live another hour like that again.  It almost killed me.”

“That will never
happen. 
Ever
.  I love you.  I’m in love with you.  I need you.  I want
you.  I admire you.  You are the role model I want for my daughter and the only
man I will ever want for the rest of my life.  You have your issues and I have
mine, but we’ll get through them together.  Because we love each other and
that’s stronger than anything else.  I want you – all of you.  Scars, shitty
childhood, PTSD, anal retentiveness – all of it.  And I always will.”

Nathan was quiet
for a few seconds.  “I made a list.  Of…headshrinkers.  Therapists.”  He
shrugged at her raised brows.  “I wanted to figure some stuff out.  For you. 
And the baby.”

More tears leaked
out of the corners of her eyes.  “You darling, sweet, beautiful man.”  Stella lifted
his hand to her lips and kissed it.  “I am so proud of you.  Thank you.”

“I don’t think it
will work, but I’ll try.”  Nathan wiped away her tears.  He leaned in and
kissed her lips.  “I love you, Stella.” He kissed her again.  “And thank you
for loving me.  All of me.”

When Stella tried
to deepen their next kiss, Nathan laughed, deep and sweetly, against her lips. 
“You little devil.  You almost died yesterday, you’ve got a chest tube, and
you’re so beat up you can hardly move.  And you still wanna get into it, don’t
you?”

“Just a little. 
It
has
been three months,” she said with a pout.  Stella scrunched up
her face as she tried sitting up again.  She relaxed back into the mattress,
defeated.  “But I guess it’ll have to wait.  Because I can’t seem to move and I
know Sergeant Stickler isn’t going for any hospital bed make out session.”