All or Nothing (17 page)

I love Grant but cannot be with Grant there
are too many outside factors that need to be taken into account for our
relationship to work.  I would have married him and remained in love with him
for the rest of my life but my lack of importance to him proves that he would
unintentionally make me unhappy.  I need someone who would give me the same
considerations as I, Grant is so in his own head he cannot see the woods for
the trees.

How can he have that woman work for him
whilst she is basically emotionally blackmailing him? Worse of all is that he
failed to notify me she was his employee not to mention taking her on a
business trip.  No, I cannot take any more of the drama, I am done.

My mobile buzzes once again and I glance at
it, it is Grant, Bella has stopped calling now and Grant has taken over.  I
turn it off before sitting at my desk removing my jacket and getting down to
business.

My stomach is grumbling and I glance up at
the clock, 1.45pm I should probably eat I haven’t eaten since Dublin
yesterday.  I open my drawer and find a cereal bar and nibble on it as I walk
to the kitchen and make a coffee, I feel strangely calm now ….more than that I
feel detached from my life, numb! I take my coffee to my desk and absorb myself
in my work.

‘Excuse me ma’am I am locking up now’ I
glance up to the security guard’s face and he smiles, ‘it is almost five’ he
informs me gently.

‘Oh ok, I will finish up’    

I walk outside to the fresh air and make my
way back to the station, I stop at a coffee shop and enter picking up a
sandwich and ordering a coffee.  I sit in the window and watch the world go by
as I chew absently not tasting the chicken within the slices of bread.  I have
no desire to go home but I have nowhere else to go all Bella and I’s mutual
friends will inform her.  My parents will worry if I turn up there especially
now they have met Grant, what possessed me to introduce them so early on?

I take a breath and enter the flat, I hear
voices and my stomach drops here we go!  I walk through the living room and
three pairs of eyes zoom in to me.

‘Abi’ Grant calls moving towards me, I hold
a hand up to stop him.

‘Stop! I am not doing this with any of you’
my voice is calm and controlled despite my insides screaming at the fact I love
him so much.

‘Abi’ Grant warns ‘you will do this’ he
growls.

‘No Grant I won’t, I am done with all your
dramas’ Bella glances at me from the sofa, she looks sad ‘I am sorry Bella but
I will be moving out as soon as my contract ends here so please take this as notice’ 

‘Abi please let me explain, I didn’t know
who she was’ she expresses ‘I always have your back’

‘Fine, I believe you but I cannot live here
anymore and I think that it is best especially for you and Mike’s relationship
if I step out of the equation’

‘Abi!’ Grant growls ‘this isn’t happening
we are going to sit and discuss this we belong together’

‘No Grant we aren’t, I cannot be with
someone that thinks so little about my feelings all the crap you spoke about putting
on a united front…..just words Grant because when push came to shove you forgot
me in a heartbeat. I wish you luck with your baby but I am having nothing to do
with it, I deserve better’ I walk into my room and shut the door behind me.

Somehow I remain calm, I strip off my
clothes and grab my robe moving into the bathroom where I wash away the day in
the shower, I brush my teeth and dress in sweatpants and climb into bed. 

I lay for hours running the events through
my head how I could have done things different and I come up with nothing,
there is zero I could have done because it was all out of my control Grant has
to take responsibility for this.  I feel empty as though something is missing,
not only have I lost my future with Grant I have also damaged the friendship
that Bella and I shared. 

The tears arrive out of the blue, I am
laying there silent except for the occasional hiccup as tears cascade down my
face my insides are screaming with hurt I love him so much.  At some point I
must have fallen to sleep because I awake to daylight and glance at the clock. 
It is only 6.09am my eyes feel swollen and my throat dry.  I enter the kitchen
and switch the kettle on to make a tea, I stand there and tears form once again
in my eyes. 

‘Hi’ Bella is standing by the door.

‘Hi’ I sniff.

‘I am sorry Abi really the woman is a
manipulative cow’

‘It’s fine, it isn’t your drama’ I sigh ‘I
am still moving out Bella you and Mike don’t stand a chance dealing with Grant
and I’

‘He loves you very much Abi’ she reminds
me.

‘No Bella, people who love each other don’t
treat each other how he has.  I have been extremely patient with all his
dramas, he never told me she worked for him and he left me at an airport
without giving me the courtesy of a text.  That doesn’t sound like someone who
loves another to me he is too self-absorbed’

‘He has never experienced a relationship
before, he is learning cut him some slack’

‘No, I am done’

‘Why throw away something so special so
easily’ she sighs.

‘Would you remain with Mike if he had an ex
who was pregnant and who joins him on business trips where you aren’t invited?’

‘I cannot comment on that, all I know is I
would dodge bullets for Mike and our love’

‘Whether he dodged them for you or not? I
am not staying in a one sided relationship’

‘How can you say that he adores you, he
doesn’t always do the right thing…’

‘No he doesn’t’ I agree pouring the hot water
into my mug.

‘I am going to Mike’s today if you need me
call me’ she whispers ‘I am sorry Abi, I didn’t know who she was.  I also wasn’t
aware you were not invited either or I wouldn’t have pushed your face in it, I
just assumed…’

‘Yeah well what does that tell you?’ I
snort.

‘That he just doesn’t think sometimes
that’s all’ she defends him.

Bella remains out of my way which although
understandable saddens me we have been friends for so long and yet our
relationship remains fractured over Grant.  I am working long days coming home
to only sleep I feel my life has stopped, Grant doesn’t attempt to contact me
and seems has accepted the situation.  I think deep down I expected him to
fight for me but it appears as though I wasn’t worth fighting for.

I have located a flat nearby for rent as
there is only five weeks left on the lease and put down a deposit, it is tiny
but all I can afford despite my salary increase.  Bella is moving in with Mike
and I am happy for her they are perfect for each other and I tell her so.

‘Thank you Abi, I hope we will remain
friends’

‘Of course ‘but I know that things will
never be the same, she doesn’t mention Grant and I don’t ask.

Three
Months Later

‘Hi Abi’ Bella hugs me tight and I close my
eyes sighing, I have missed her.

‘Hi Bell’

‘So how are you? You have lost all your
curves’ she frowns.

‘Just been so busy with work’ I inform her
‘how are things?’

‘Things are good’ she grins ‘Mike and I are
getting married’

‘Oh wow congratulations’ my heart drops and
pain sears through me, this should be me.  I hug her ‘I am so pleased for you
Bella really’

‘Thank you’ her eyes search mine ‘are you
ok?’

‘Yes thank you’ I swallow the lump in my throat
but she doesn’t miss it ‘Abi’ she moans engulfing me into her arms ‘I have
missed you so much it is the only thing missing from my life’ tears fall from
my eyes and I hiccup as Bella strokes my back ‘I am so sorry Abi’ she cries as
she also wipes the tears away ‘for everything’ and I cannot speak through the
emotion rushing through my body.

We sit wiping our eyes in the coffee shop
‘you are not ok are you?’ She questions and I shake my head ‘Grant?’ she
enquires and I take a breath.

‘I miss him so much, I have been without
him longer than I was with him but I feel there is an empty space inside me’

‘You heard there was no baby? She expected
him to marry her and then get pregnant very quickly obviously the longer time
went on she panicked so got herself pregnant and now has a huge bump but unless
she has the gestation period of an elephant….. If it was Grants it would have
been born a month or so ago’ I close my eyes tight, so it was all for nothing
all the worry and upset ‘obviously she doesn’t work for him anymore, he paid
her off when you left him claiming her job was redundant’

‘How is he?’

‘Very different, cold, harsh. Mike comments
that if he wasn’t his friend he would have told him to stick his job’

I shake my head, ‘is he dating?’ why am I
asking that?  The answer will rip me apart!

‘Not that I am aware of, he has been in
Vegas for the past few weeks’ I take a breath in to prevent the knife pierce
me, we were going to revisit Vegas and refresh our memories ‘working on the new
project apparently’ she glances at me ‘which brings me to my next question’

My eyes meet hers questioning, ‘what’s
that?’

‘Will you be my maid of honor?’ her eyes
are cautious.

I smile ‘I would be honored, forgive the
pun’

‘There is something else though’ she
continues her gaze dropping to the mug sitting in front of her.

‘Go on’ I urge.

‘We are getting married in Vegas!’ she
tests a glance my way and witnesses the flinch within my eyes.

‘Oh Bella!’ I warn ‘I don’t think I can do that’

‘Why not? You loved Vegas’ she attempts.

‘Yes but why did I love Vegas Bella?’ I wipe
a stray tear.

‘Because you met Grant there’ she sighs.

‘Is he invited?’ I have to know.

‘Of course’ she shrugs ‘he is Mike’s
friend’

‘When?’ my heart is thumping in my chest at
the prospect of seeing him despite my brain reminding me how much he hurt me.

‘Three weeks’ time’ she risks a glance.

‘Why? What’s the rush?’ I frown suddenly.

She smiles at me secretively ‘because we
are having a baby’

I gasp holding my hand to my chest ‘oh my
god Bella!’ I pull her in for a hug ‘congratulations again!’

‘So will you? It would mean so much to me’
her eyes plead.

‘Is he bringing a date because I couldn’t
cope with that?’ I splutter.

‘No he isn’t’ she informs me ‘because it
isn’t a plus one invite’

I sigh can I see him again?  Would I be
opening a whole can of worms?  I am hurting now would it make a difference? I am
aching to see him again.

‘It is an all-expenses paid trip, Mike is
paying to fly me and you out and have a few days in the spa before the wedding’

‘Ok’ I exhale the breath I have been
holding ‘I could do with a holiday but I can pay for myself’ my mind screams,
how!!!

‘No that isn’t the deal, it is my future
husbands wedding present to me’

********

Once again I am seated in first class with
a glass of champagne my mind rewinding to the last occasion I sat here, I have
a plastic smile plastered on my face camouflaging my pain.  Bella is chatting
nonstop I think to distract me from my memories.

‘So we are staying at The Wynn hotel’ she
babbles, well at least it isn’t The Bellagio, ‘the boys are at The Bellagio’ my
stomach drops ‘they are flying out tomorrow but we won’t see them until the
ceremony’ she assures me.

‘Does he know I am attending?’ I whisper.

‘And those are the exact words he asked’
she smiles mildly and I glance up ‘Yes he knows’ she assures me.

‘So, was the baby planned?’ I change the
subject.

‘Noooo, just one of those things’ she
smiles, ‘we had already spoken about getting married though, this just brought
it forward’

‘Are you happy?’

‘You have no idea how happy we are Abi’ she
gushes, ‘I didn’t think it was possible’

‘You deserve it Bella’ I nod ‘so are we having
a hen night?’

‘Well I am not drinking obviously’ she
points to her orange juice ‘but we can have some fun’

We arrive at the hotel and book into our
room, Mike had booked a suite for us which must have cost a bomb!

‘Wow, this is special’ I move around the
two bedroom suite to the window admiring the view.

‘I have to call him’ she squeals.

‘Go ahead, you are allowed to be mushy this
week’ I grin as she dials Mike.

‘Hi baby, the suite is lovely thank you’
she croons into the phone ‘yes I am fine’ she rolls her eyes at me ‘no I won’t
over do things we have the spa treatments in the morning’ she is listening to
Mike and I see her smile and glance up at me ‘ok, Mike says hi’ she turns to
me.  I haven’t seen Mike for months since the big fallout.