All over Again (3 page)

Devlin just leaves his shoes there. Smiling forlornly, he says to me, “Where I am going I am sure I won’t need shoes.”

We walk into the forest, Devlin ahead of me leading me by the hand
. L
ooking
ahead,
I once again see the darkness deep
er
within. Darkness I have never paid attention to before, but now it seems menacing somehow, reaching towards me, wanting to have me, it suddenly feels to me that if I walked in there, I might not reach the other side.

Devlin turns around and looks at me reassuringly as we enter into the dark. I want to pull back, first discuss this with him again before walking in, but I take a deep breath, and convince myself that I am a brave, independent, strong person who can handle almost anything. Besides, I have Devlin with me, so I will fear nothing as I enter into the shadow of the valley of death.

I gasp as the dark envelopes me. It is absolute and I cannot see anything in front of me. I lift my hand in front of my face and I wave it – nothing - only darkness. It is not even darkness, but total blackness.

I hear a soft crooning noise all around and it fills my ears. I realize that I cannot hear anything else, no birds, not the wind in the trees, not even our footsteps as we walk one behind the other over the path leading through the forest.

I ask Devlin, “Why is it so quiet?” but all I can hear is my own voice echoing in my head. I cannot hear myself say anything.

Unexpectedly I feel a tugging on my hand and realize that I ha
ve
stopped walking. I almost lose grip of Devlin’s hand. Hysterics almost overwhelm me and I get the urge to turn around and run back, but would I know where to run to, I am too scared try.

Devlin stops tugging on my hand and I sense by the way he is holding my hand that he is turning towards me. If he is talking to me, it is falling on deaf ears.

So funny, Elizabeth.

I laugh, but only I can hear me.

Am I losing my mind?

Devlin’s probing hand, knocks me against the head, shocking me back to reality. He finds my cheek, after almost knocking my nose askew and the way he holds his hand against my cheek feels as if he is trying to assure me that he is near.

After a moment, he turns back awkwardly. I do not only want to hold his hand anymore, because it seems too tentative, as if my hand could be ripped out of his at any moment. I lean in closer to him and then almost knock him off his feet, as I searchingly put my arms around his waist
, tr
ying to explain to him without using my voice, his ears or his sight
.
I gently push against him, moving his leg forward as I move my leg forward. He realizes my intention immediately and we shuffle on.

I wonder how he knows instinctively where to walk; maybe that is why he took his shoes off before we entered the forest, so that he could feel the pathway beneath his bare feet. Imagine if he lost the pathway, we could be lost in here forever - now that is a scary, scary thought. If we were to be stuck in here for eternity, the only thing I would have for all that time would be my thoughts and me. There would never again be any interaction with another living soul. My thoughts would surely drive me crazy and I once heard somewhere that eternity would be, if you could imagine a diamond as big as the earth and once a year, a swallow would come to sit upon this rock and sharpen its beak, and so only once the entire diamond has been obliterated w
ould infinity be done. I wonder
sadly if Jared would ever wait for me as long as Devlin did.

I
surprisingly
feel a spider web movement over my arm, the keening noises are getting louder the further we walk into the blackness. More and more feather light movements brush over my body, coming from everywhere and I wheeze every time it happens. The worst is that I cannot ask Devlin what it is. I realize that even though I am clinging to Devlin and that I can feel him under the palms of my hands, holding him tightly against my body, I am alone, all alone.

I have lost the use of all my sense, except for touch and now the light brushings over me, are starting to feel like urgent tugging and pulling. Devlin places his hands over my arms around his waist, squeezing them rhythmically, as if to draw my attention away from whatever is brushing and pushing at me.

I feel two hands grab me from behind, physically powerful and I scream, but of course, no sound leaves my mouth. The hands are pulling at me, trying to dislodge my arms from around Devlin.

I scream and scream silently, my throat starting to feel rasping.

Devlin has turned around and has put his arms around me, holding me tightly.

I feel hands around my legs now and my legs lift into the air. Devlin is straining to hold onto me.

Hands are all over me, some stroking and some tugging persistently, eagerly, hungry.

Devlin starts to walk backwards, still following the path, one foot at a time, dragging and pulling me with him. I can feel the strain in his muscles as he pulls against the force of whatever has my legs in their grip.

Suddenly voice
s
booms out of the keening, humming noise that has surrounded us ever since we walked into the darkness. “HELP ME,” and then another, “TAKE ME WITH YOU.”

Devlin starts to walk backwards a little faster and I sink my head into his shoulder, trying to calm myself. I am clinging to him with all my might, while my legs are being lifted higher and higher up into the air. Devlin grips me around my shoulders, his arms under my arms and it feels as if I am slipping away from him.

“
Please
,”
I pray,
“P
lease do not let me be here forever
.
Please, please.
”

Devlin is trying to walk faster and I realize that if he slipped and fell now, we might lose hold of each other and I will be dragged off. There
s
eems to be a million voices yelling and screaming at us, they are all begging and pleading, some is menacing and some threatening, some pleadingly.

Then, just like that – in the blink of an eye we
abruptly
walk out of the dense blackness into the night. The night is brilliant and dazzling. The light hurts my eyes after the total blackness we just walked through.
Everything is quiet.
The hands that were clinging onto me let me go.

As my eyes adjust, I see that I am standing near a gaping hole in the earth and I see hundreds and hundreds of people walking towards the edge, walking over the edge and then floating into this magnificent inviting light. Up and up they go and then they disappear through an opening in a thick, bright white cloud. The opening in the earth stretches on both sides further than my eyes can see and I cannot see the other side of this immense chasm. A beginning with no end.

Devlin looks down at me, smiling sadly. “The time has come for me to move on.”

He bends down and I close my eyes, waiting for him to kiss me, sadness filling my heart at having to let him go.

He is
viciously
ripped from my arms
.
I open my eyes and see the cloud of menacing souls rush by and I see Devlin’s face flash past in a swirl, mingled with arms and legs, pain etched all over it. I
hear his voice cry out to me.

Would he now be stuck in there for all of eternity? I could not let that happen and I wonder why the cloud sucked him in and not me, could it be because I was still very much alive and only dreaming in the real world?

Without thinking twice, I run after the cloud and jump into the mass of bodies.

I immediately feel a rush of repulsion passing through everything that I am. I feel the intense hatred and loathing, the menace and hopelessness of each soul within that cloud.

I start to feel hopeless and sad. I think why bother getting out of here, what is there to go to anyway. Is the one life not the same as the next, maybe different scenarios, but surely always the same dramas of love and death? A small part of my mind, trying hard to remain sane, begin to panic, because I jumped in here to safe Devlin, but what if I never, ever found him.

I see him an
d I strain forward to reach him. I
t is as if he has no control over himself and is being thrown about, swirling and twirling, knocked and bumped. I grab him by his wrist and pull him closer to me and it takes all my energy.

I notice that in this short while, his face has changed. His cheeks are sallow, dark rings etched deeply under his eyes. With all my might, I hold him tight and I yell as loudly as I possibly can, hoping that it w
ill
work. “I want to wake up NOW!”

>>><<<

I hear my lips whisper, “Devlin,” as I open my eyes. I see darkness surrounding me and I can hear a beeping noise coming from somewhere behind me.

I hear a voice in my head,
“I have decided that I would rather want to meet you in another lifetime, than be by your side aimlessly, without ever being able to touch you, or kiss you, or hold you. In another lifetime, I might have the opportunity, now I have nothing. I have told you that you needed to make a choice, but unknowing you did not really have a choice in how things would work out, because even though initially you chose Jared, you still chose me in the end. I have to go now, but I know that I will find you and I hope that you will come looking for me.”
I feel a movement against my lips and I hear a whisper in my ear, “
Goodbye, for now Elizabeth.”

Briefly, I wonder who Devlin is.

Frowning I look around and I see faint lights illuminating the walls and ceiling. I notice with confusion that I am in a hospital room. Memories run through my mind like a movie reel. I see again the silver car racing towards us. I remember the relief, realizing in a brief second that Jared is wearing his safety belt. I remember the loud grating noise, the violent impact and the sudden overwhelming pain. I grasp relieved that I am not dead.

My hand goes up to my face and I feel tubes going into my nose, I try to pull them out but it is too sore.

Ouch!

The needle from the drip in my hand pulls painfully and I let my hand lay down by my side again. I try to sit up, but for some reason, my legs feel unusually heavy - alarm fills me instantaneously.

Calming myself, I take many deep breaths and then I notice a light, rhythmic breathing next to me. Turning my face towards the sound, I am staring into the gorgeous face of Jared. I feel relief and gratitude when I realize that he too has survived the accident.

I lift my hand to stroke his cheek, to touch him, but I let it rest on my chest instead, the needle yanking painfully at my skin.

I try to wiggle my toes again and they move! I feel unbelievable relief. If my toes moved, that would mean my legs should move. I bend my knees and pull my feet towards me.

Lifting my head to look, to confirm what I feel, I see that my legs are still flat – two skinny lines under the covers. I frown and I can feel a panic attack approaching me with speed. I close my eyes and concentrate. I breathe deeply.

Calm down, Elizabeth.

I exhale loudly as I whisper, “Am I really not feeling my legs? Is this really happening to me?”

I am generally a very insightful person and I realize immediately with sad finality that I am destined only to always be on the sidelines of Jared’s life, always only to be together fleetingly. I would never allow us to be together, no matter how much I loved him, if I was unable to walk.