All the Blue of Heaven (21 page)

           
“But I do. I won’t pretend to understand why God allowed us to be separated but
if I had the power I would go back to that day and change our futures.” He
could feel her fingers tremble in his. He lifted them slowly, holding her gaze.
If only there was a way to show her his sincerity, to bridge the gap between
his love and her heart. He pressed her fingers to his lips, feeling the warmth
of her hands against his mouth.

           
She made a soft sound in her throat but didn’t move away. Her eyes were
half-closed, watching his every move. Then she seemed to come to her senses.
Gently she eased her hands away from his.

           
“Thomas,” she said, her voice husky. She stopped, and clear her throat, trying
again. “You deserve someone better. Any wife of yours must be strong. In body
and mind... and heart.”

           
“We can be strong together.” He wanted to reach out and gather her to him, but
she had already moved away once.

           
“ I have spent so long chasing what does not matter. Your life has meaning. You
have such a deep faith.” Tears filling her eyes.

           
“Allie, I’ve spent a lot of time building a business that will show the world I
am worthy of respect. Just like you, I was working so hard for something that
only comes from above. When you left, I did my own share of arguing with God.
After I was done being silent, of course.”

           
She let out a surprised laugh and blinked back her tears. “But a husband and a
wife should be well-matched, their faith should be the rock on which they build
their family.”

           
“That is true.”

           
“Then how can you want me?” The pain in her voice was so stark, so wrenching
that he could no longer hold himself in check.

           
Thomas reached out to Allie, and she moved into his arms as if they had been
made for each other, heart to heart. He breathed in the scent of her perfume,
closed his eyes and pressed his lips against her hair. “Oh, Allie,” he
whispered. “You are hurting and angry. Everyone struggles. And I have never
stopped wanting you to be my wife.”

           
He could feel her cheek pressed against his shirt, the soft curves of her arms
around his waist. “What about Louise?” Her words were muffled against his
chest.

           
Thomas leaned back so he could look her in the eye. “Louise Lloyd? Do you think
that I was considering her for a wife?”

           
“Well, you did take her to the picnic.”

           
Thomas shook his head, chuckling. “If I had known the picnic was so important,
I would have gone with you. As it was, I asked Louise last month. And that was
before I knew her better.”

           
Allie raised an eyebrow. “And now?”

           
“Now I know we have nothing in common.”

           
There was a small silence and Thomas could feel the air pulse with Allie’s
thoughts. Finally, she spoke. “Thomas, if I ask you a question, will you tell
me the truth?”

           
He dropped a kiss on her hair. He never wanted to let go of her again, but her
words told him that he needed to take a step back. Allie needed to see his
face, his eyes. He let his hands slip down to his sides and moved away from her
warmth. “Yes, I will. Always.”

           
“Is this... Are you considering me as a wife because of Janey?” She pressed her
lips together, as if to hold back the words. “Do you think we need to be
rescued?”

           
Thomas hesitated. Of course they needed to be rescued. Janey should stay with
Allie forever and Allie was still recovering from the disaster. She was
fragile, but growing stronger every day. He knew Allie wasn’t happy in her
mother’s house, and he could not imagine watching her marry a man just to
escape. The thoughts swirled in his mind and he struggled to form a response.

           
She straightened her shoulders. “That is what I suspected. Thomas, I thank you
for your kindness. But you told me that one should never marry for less than
love, that the children would suffer. That Janey would suffer.” Her words were
steady even as her eyes overflowed with tears.

           
With those words she turned on her heel and strode down the hallway toward the
stairs.

                                   
***

           
Allie walked blindly, feeling her way with one hand outstretched, determined to
make it to the stairway before the tears spilled over onto her cheeks. She
would never tie Thomas down to a woman who had less than the strongest faith.
He was too good to keep, even though her heart was breaking.

           
“Allie!” Thomas called out, closer than she thought possible in the few seconds
since she’d turned.

           
She made it to the first step before she felt his hand grasp her elbow.  She slowed,
turning her face to the wall. It cost her everything she had to speak those
words and she would not take them back. She had caused him tremendous pain
once. She would not do it again.

           
“Allie,” he said, voice rough with urgency. “You misunderstand me. I love you.
I always have. But I also see the position you are in with Janey.”

           
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him rake a hand through his hair.
“Please, Allie, don’t hold the truth against me.” His tone was tired, as if his
heart was failing.

           
She turned her head and struggled to focus on his face. At a step above him,
they were almost the same height. She was close enough to see the dark shadow
of his jaw, the thick lashes around his warm brown eyes. She loved him, of
course. She knew that with everything she had. Tears slipped from her eyes
without her permission.

           
“Thomas,” she started, then paused, trying to find the words she needed. “I
don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for us. Maybe... Maybe we were never meant
to be together. Like Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed, never able to find a
peaceful end to our drama.”

           
He snorted and shook his head. “I always detested that play. There is nothing
romantic in an unhappy ending full of death and suffering.”

           
Allie felt a smile tug at her lips despite of the crushing weight on her heart.
“Yes, only those of us who have endured loss and suffering see it as so very
un
romantic.”
She glanced down at his hand, still gripping her elbow. She tentatively placed
her own over his, feeling the rough callouses under her fingers. “I wish it
could have happened naturally, like Sarah and Nathan.”

           
His brows drew down over his dark gaze. “So, you’re refusing me because our
history is too complicated?”

           
Allie lifted a hand to rub a painful throbbing that started in her temple. She
felt light-headed, disoriented. “Not just our history. But now, this.” She
waved at the house, then motioned between them. “As if, as if we are– ” She struggled
to grasp the idea that was forming  and give it words. Thomas waited, gaze
fixed on her face. “Perhaps we are a substance that separately is perfectly
manageable, but together we become... like poor Mr. Van Gogh’s Emerald Green!”

           
His eyes narrowed, clearly not following her argument. “Like chemicals, then?
And together we are sulfur dioxide? Or ethers?”

           
“I don’t know what those do, but there are some combinations that are lethal
together. You know they sell Emerald Green in Paris now as a rat poison? I
don’t want us to be―”

           
Thomas nodded slowly. “Beautiful on the outside. Lethal in combination.”

           
“I want to be sure, Thomas. I want Janey to have a happy life, not concerned
with her parents’ troubles. You convinced me of that.” She could hardly speak
the words through the ache in her throat.

           
His gaze fixed on their hands, resting together. Then he withdrew his hand from
hers and straightened. Allie knew he was accepting her words for what they
were: the truth. She thought for one moment that she would not be able to hear
him agree. She would not be able to stand there on the staircase steps and
pretend her world was not ending. Her mind flashed on her ruined cathedral, a
pile of rubble in a crippled city. So many endings, so much pain.
Please,
give me strength, Lord.

           
Thomas raised his eyes to hers, but the look of finality she expected was not
there. In the next moment he lifted his hand and slipped it behind her head,
bringing her toward him, meeting her lips with his own. Surprise shot through
her, swiftly followed by the feeling of her heart hammering in her chest,
straining at the bonds that held it prisoner. His lips were  warm and soft;
Allie was rendered incapable of moving the few inches away, to safety.

           
Thomas lifted his head and met her gaze, eyes bright with emotion. “Perhaps we
are
like a chemical compound, Allie. Perhaps we’re so spectacular that it would
be a sin to keep us apart. We could be life-giving together, like hydrogen and
oxygen.” He lifted one hand and traced her jaw with a finger. “But I do want
you to be sure. I don’t mind waiting. I waited eight long years. A few more
months won’t make much difference.”

           
He stepped away and tilted his head toward the sitting room. “I’m going to say
hello to your mother and Janey.”

           
Allie nodded mutely, barely able to hear over the pounding of her heart. He
turned and walked down the hallway, leaving as many questions in his wake as
answers. Allie touched the fingers of her hand against her lips. She could
still feel his kiss, as if the ghost of it had taken up residence. She closed
her eyes and tried to gather her thoughts. One moment they’d been making peace
with the fact they missed their chance. And the next, he was claiming her lips,
declaring he would wait as long as it took for her to be sure.

           
She turned and blindly followed the turn of the staircase, placing one foot in
front of the other. As she reached her room, Allie’s head started to clear. The
windows were letting in the watery winter light and she lowered herself to the
edge of the bed. The smallest of smiles began to spread over her face, then
stretched into a grin. For the first time in months, Allie began to feel as if
she was not completely alone.

           
But she was never truly alone, was she? Allie slowly folded her hands and
slipped to her knees. God was patient and ever faithful.
Thank You for waiting
,
she whispered as hot tears slipped from underneath her lids.

Chapter
Fourteen

           “Sarah,
can I ask you a personal question?”Allie set her tea cup down on the linen
cloth and glanced toward Janey, playing jacks with two little blond boys. Their
heads were bent in concentration and Allie was certain they were too absorbed
in their game to pay heed to adult conversation.

           
“Of course. We’re friends. You can ask me anything.”

           
She swallowed, wondering how to frame her question. “You and Nathan―” She
paused, struggling to find words.

           
She leaned forward, laying her hand over Allie’s. “Is this about Thomas?”

           
“How did you know?” She couldn’t suppress the tone of surprise.

           
Her friend giggled and patted Allie’s hand. “Who doesn’t know, is the question.
The way he looks at you should be a crime. Nathan said it makes all the other
men look like they’re deaf and blind to their women.”

           
Allie felt her mouth drop open. “He does? I didn’t know, I hadn’t seen―”
She shook her head. “What I wanted to ask was about how you and Nathan courted.
Was it easy? Or did you have troubles?”

           
Sarah cocked her head, small lines appearing in her forehead. “I wouldn’t say
we had troubles, although his mother was not so keen on his choice at first.
She had another girl in mind. But we made each other laugh.” She gazed
thoughtfully out at the children, gleefully snatching jacks in turn. “We both
supported the charity hospital. Our favorite hymn is the same. We both liked to
pray in the morning and ask God to bless our day. Now we pray as a family.” She
said the words with a sweet smile of contentment on her face.

           
Allie’s gaze dropped to her cup, watching the dregs of her tea reflect the weak
sunlight streaming through the windows. Thomas’s kiss was only hours before,
but  felt as new as if it had happened just minutes ago. Up in her room, she
had begun to make peace with God, but it seemed such a small step to repairing
the hurt she had nursed for months. She and Thomas were far from the kind of
unity Sarah described.

           
“It’s just that nothing about us is so simple. There’s Janey, for one, although
I know that Thomas would welcome her in an instant. But we have some history
because when I left for San Francisco, he asked me to marry him then, and I
refused him.” She watched Sarah’s expression shift from surprise to
understanding. “And now we’re in such different positions. I’ve lost everything
and he’s gained everything.”

           
“Allie, you may see it that way, but you’re likely the only one. Don’t you have
paintings around the world, in galleries? Isn’t one of your paintings hanging
in the White House? You are far from left with nothing.”

           
She shook her head, struggling to explain. “But Thomas has his veterinarian
practice now and I don’t know if I will paint again. I was sure that God was
sending me a message and I vowed to never paint again.”

           
To her surprise, Sarah let out a laugh. “You were always so dramatic. Do you
think God destroyed a whole city because He didn’t want you to paint?”

           
Allie had to smile a little. It sounded ridiculous, as if she was the center of
the universe. She’d heard it twice now.

           
“Allie, if God didn’t want you to be a painter, then you would not have
succeeded. He gave you the desire, and the talent, and the perseverance, and
the success. That tells me that God wants you to paint.” Sarah shot her a
glance. “No matter what your mother says.”

           
“Thomas said something like that.” Allie thought back to their conversation on
the porch, how serious he had been when she had said she was not going to paint
again. “I suppose I’ve been angry and afraid of making another mistake.”

           
“The tragedy was not your doing.” Sarah leaned forward again, speaking
earnestly. “I know you’ve been recovering and trying to adjust to coming home
to Chicago. But I think it would be good for you to be more active.”

           
“Mother will never allow me to take up painting after all of this.”

           
Sarah shook her head. “That will come. What I mean is, taking up a cause like
fighting the East Tooms railway project. We could use your voice, Allie.”

           
“Is it true that the railroad would go through the charity hospital?”

           
“And an orphanage and a school. The Ladies’ Auxiliary has been fighting to keep
the orphanages small, for the sake of the children. One of them houses nine
hundred of the poor dears, if you can believe it! But even though this enormous
building would be better as several smaller buildings, homier for the children,
it’s horribly irresponsible to tear it down without some sort of plan to build
another. The children would just be distributed to other homes, and they’re all
overcrowded as it is.”

           
“I didn’t know there were so many orphanages. I suppose I’ve been wrapped up in
my own world.”

           
“There weren’t so many before you left, but now there are almost thirty homes
and they’re building more.” Sarah’s gaze rested on her little boys, her eyes
dark with sadness. Her oldest son raised his head and grinned, a gap in his
front teeth showing clearly, his voice raised in excitement.

           Allie
couldn’t imagine Janey in one of those institutions. “Was it the cholera
epidemic?”

           
“No, most of them have one parent. They’re just too poor to care for them.
There aren’t enough well-paying positions. The factories are changing that, but
it’s slow. And with the unions fighting with the meat packing industries, the
jobs might have a fair wage soon. If they can resist corruption and rioting.”

           
Allie choked back a laugh. “Sarah, I’m shocked. When we were young, I remember
how we liked to visit the cinema and curl our hair. Now, you’re practically
advocating strikes and protests.”

           
Sarah chuckled and poured Allie more tea. “The unions can’t be ignored, bad or
good. But Nathan made me realize there was more to Chicago than picnics and
balls. He told me it was no use to anyone if he used his law degree to protect
old money, when there were people who worked twelve hours a day and did not
have a clean, warm bed.”

           
“That’s what I meant to ask, in the beginning.” Allie felt her cheeks warm and
rushed through the words, determined to keep on track this time. “Did you
always know you’d marry him?”

           
Sarah nodded. “He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. I was absolutely sure.” She
took a sip of her tea and threw a calculating glance at Allie. “I know you are
proud and independent, but there is nothing wrong with marrying a successful
man. Thomas is patient, but I wouldn’t dither, if I were you.”

           
She adjusted her skirt and tried to formulate a response. Is that what she’s
doing,
dithering
? Was she throwing away her only chance at love because
she was too proud to accept that Thomas was now wealthy and successful, and she
was not? Allie hoped that she wasn’t so shallow as that.

           
Janey bounded toward her, bright curls barely contained in a wide blue ribbon.
The pockets of her pinafore were stuffed to capacity. “Auntie, did you see my
treasures? Joshua and Joseph shared their rock collection.” She dug her hands
into her pockets and retrieved stones of all shapes and sizes, dropping them
onto the creamy white tablecloth.

           
Allie leaned forward and examined them closely. She asked a few questions,
agreeing the large gray stone with the white stripe all around was the perfect
wishing rock.

           
“Auntie, did you see the trees?” Janey pointed at the window, her small face
alight with excitement.

           
She turned and felt a cold dread clutch at her chest. The tree outside was
whipping madly in the wind. The sturdy brick home, three stories tall and
several large rooms deep, had muffled  the sounds of the storm outside.
Allie stood up in alarm, motioning to Janey. “It looks like there is bad
weather on the way. We had better be going.”

           
“Won’t you stay until it passes? We would be glad to have you for dinner.
Nathan will be home soon.” Sarah stood, face creased with worry.

           
Allie peered out the window at the darkening sky. “It is not too far. These
fall storms aren’t as quick as the spring ones. I think there is still time.
And I do not want Mama to worry,” she said, ignoring Janey’s protests.

           
“As you wish. Let me call the carriage man.” Sarah stepped into the hallway and
signaled the maid, who bustled off toward the back of the house.

           
“Thank you, Sarah, for the lovely afternoon.” Allie held out her hands. Sarah
grasped her fingers and gave her hearty kisses on each cheek.

           
“My pleasure. And remember, don’t make him wait on your answer for too long.” Sarah
laughed as Allie’s cheeks heated at her words.

           
“Better to wait a good while for the right answer, than to have the wrong
answer immediately,” she responded, her gaze level. “I don’t intend to make a
hasty decision.”

           
Sarah nodded, then turned her face to the window as the sound of a strong wind
buffeted the house. “And now, you’d better be off before you end up staying for
dinner against your will.”

                                                 
****

           
“Mr. Bradford, Miss Lloyd here to see you.” Mateo’s low voice carried an
undercurrent of something Thomas couldn’t define. He looked up from the hoof he
was examining under the light of a lamp and searched Mateo’s face. There was no
teasing in his tone.

           
“All right. Can you finish this and keep the mare calm until I can check her
teeth? This one has never been comfortable around all these horses.”

           
Mateo nodded. He spoke to Marco, who scampered forward to hand his uncle an
apron. Mateo slipped on the apron and ruffled Marco’s hair with one large hand.
He moved to take the pick from Thomas, and as his head bent close, he
whispered, “She call you her fiancé. Is that true?”

           
Thomas jerked his head up, shooting Mateo a look of alarm. “She did? Those
exact words?”

           
“Yes, sir. But I think to myself that it is too strange you never mention
getting married to Miss Lloyd.” Mateo’s voice was still quiet, subdued.

           
Thomas shook his head, trying to clear it. The horses were restless today, with
the strong winds outside. He had trouble focusing on his work after the
eventful morning at Allie’s, and now this. It was almost laughable.

           
“No, Mateo, you’d be one of the first to know.” He clapped the Italian on the
shoulder. Brushing off his pants, walking toward the barn entrance. He could
see Louise framed in the bright doorway,  dust swirling around her. Her dress
was starched to perfection and adorned with a multitude of large bows. The
bright green color did nothing for her high coloring.  Instead she looked as if
someone had used the wrong color of paint for her portrait.

           
“Miss Lloyd, to what do I owe this pleasure?” He forced his features into a
smile.

           
“Thomas, I have not heard from you since the picnic.”  Her watery blue
eyes narrowed in anger and she said the words with such fierce admonishment
that Thomas was taken aback.

           
“Excuse me, I did not know we had made plans.” Of course they had not. He had
studiously avoided Louise for several weeks after the excruciating day of
wandering the social with Louise on his arm. But what kind of answer could he
give to such her complaint without being accusatory himself?

           
“A man of honor would not have made me come all the way out here to this,” she
waved a hand at the swirling dust and the shuffling beasts in their stalls,
“place just to speak to you.”

           
Thomas felt his face go tight. “I was not aware it was a point of honor. Can
you explain to me how this is?”

           
“Well, everyone knows the picnic is a formal step. Do not deny you know it to
be so!” Her voice rosein pitch and volume.

           
“A formal― Miss Lloyd, there was never any understanding between us.”
Thomas felt his face go hot. He was not angry so much as uncomfortable with the
fact he was forced to reject a woman in the middle of his barn, in front of his
workers. He smoothed his vest and brushed a few more pieces of straw from his
trousers.

           
“So you say now that Miss Hathaway has come back to town.” Her words dripped
venom and she took a step forward, gloved hands fisted.

           
“I’m sorry that you have been under the misunderstanding that we were more than
friends.” Thomas sincerely hated to speak the words. He could have been happy
to spend his whole life without ever having to reject a woman. Even a shallow
gossip like Louise.

           
“So you don’t deny that your change of heart has anything to do with Miss
Hathaway?”

           
“I do not deny that I love Miss Hathaway.”

           
Louise’s eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open.

           
“But there was no change of heart required. I have always loved her and I
always will.” There. It could not be much clearer.

           
“Well, I’m not going to let you forget me so easily. And I am sure that as soon
as she is gone, you will come running back to me.” With those words she turned
and stomped out of the barn, into the swirling winds.

           
Thomas stood for a moment, his mind churning. Was he at fault for this absurd
turn of events? This was nothing like his experiences with Allie. They had
discussed faith, love, loss, pain, and their futures together. He had never
touched Louise, never held her close, never put his lips to hers. How could she
ever have imagined they were to be married?