All the King's Horses (33 page)

God, what have I done to my life?

The glass was on the counter and the bottle in my hand when someone knocked at my door. I debated not answering. What if Curt had come back? Or sent in Mariah, or my parents, or my in-laws, or some other member of the cavalry I wasn’t ready to face?

Oh, hell, why not? I can’t keep ignoring every unpleasant thing that comes my way.

I left the bottle on the counter beside the glass and went to the door.

It wasn’t one of my family members.

“Hey,” Dustin said. “I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

No. Nowhere near okay.

I exhaled. “I’m just trying to figure out what I should do.” I stood aside and gestured for him to come in. He took off his hat and left it beside the door. In silence, we walked into the living room and sank onto the couch. I left the booze on the counter—Dustin didn’t need to see me like that. Not again.

“So, what are you going to do?” he asked after a while.

I shook my head. “I don’t know yet. I know I should, but I’m…”
Not sure I’m ready? Not sure I’ll ever be? Not sure of anything?

“Amy.” He stroked my hair. “This was never supposed to be a permanent arrangement for you, and you have a life over there.” Trailing his fingers down my cheek, he whispered, “If you need to go back, then…”

Could I deny that I needed to? Of course not.

Dustin reached for my hand, and as he clasped my fingers in his, he said, “Is this really where you want to be? You have a family. A home.”

I sniffed. “I know, but—”
But what? I don’t want to leave this place? Too bad. I made this bed.
I pulled in a ragged breath. “I should give you two weeks’ notice. So you can—”

“Don’t worry about that.” He brought my hand up and kissed the backs of my fingers. “I can handle it until we find someone else, but I don’t want you to keep hurting like this any longer than you have to.”

I wiped my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Dustin.”

“You have no reason to apologize.” He brushed a tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb. “We both knew this would come eventually.”

“I know.”
I just didn’t think it would hurt this much.

He tucked my hair behind my ear. “When do you think you’ll want to leave?”

I might have been put off—or maybe relieved?—by him so quickly accepting that I was leaving, except for the way he didn’t look me in the eyes when he spoke. Or the resignation in his quiet voice.

“Probably soon.” Closing my eyes, I exhaled. “Like…tomorrow, soon.”

Dustin touched my face again, and his hand was a little unsteady. “If that’s what you need to do…” He sounded winded.

I looked up at him. “I’m so sorry.”

“I told you,” he whispered, “you have no reason to apologize. I only want you to do what you need to do to be happy.”

“Thank you,” I said and leaned in to kiss him lightly.

The kiss lingered for a long moment. It didn’t deepen, didn’t intensify, just went on like time wasn’t getting way too short way too fast.

Dustin drew back, and our eyes met.

My heart thundered now, and even though everything here was about to be over, I wasn’t ready for
this
to be over yet. Holding his gaze, I whispered, “Would you be opposed to…” I swallowed hard. “Spending tonight together?”

Dustin looked in my eyes, and for a few long seconds, I had no idea what he’d finally say. When he answered my question, though, he didn’t say a word. He just reached for my face and drew me into another soft, sweet kiss.

Somehow, we found the presence of mind to move into the bedroom, and as we fell into bed together, we were somewhere between in a hurry and taking our sweet, sweet time. Dustin’s shirt came off with so much force, I was sure a seam had ripped. Then we were back to slow, sensual kissing and running hungry, shaking hands all over each other. Eventually, my shirt joined Dustin’s on the floor, and my bra followed. A dozen long, frantic kisses later, we stripped off the last of the clothes that divided us.

Dustin put on a condom, and I was on top of him, and we sank to the bed in a breathless, skin-to-skin embrace as we pulled air from each other’s lungs and tried to get close, closer, too close but not close enough,
God, Dustin, don’t make me let you go…

And that was when the penny dropped in my mind: I needed his touch. I needed his reassurance. Like never before, I needed
him
.

I needed his body to tell me everything he couldn’t say. Or everything he said, but I couldn’t hear.

Tell me this is real
.

Tell me this is right
.

Tell me everything about this is right
.

I pushed myself up on my arms and looked down at him as I moved my hips, and a whispered “Oh God” slipped off his lips. I rode him slowly, because any faster would be too much, too fast, too intense. Even this was too much, but I couldn’t stop. Not when I was this close to Dustin, when he was this deep inside me, when he was lying beneath me and whispering the slurred curses of a man unraveling as quickly as I was.

We were moving faster now. When I’d picked up speed, I couldn’t say, but somehow slow and easy had become faster and harder, rattling the bed frame and making my muscles burn with exertion.

All at once, Dustin threw his arms around me, and in a second, he was in control. The world shifted, spun, and when it righted itself, my back was on the bed and Dustin was inside me again, thrusting deeper, thrusting harder. I held on to him and let myself get lost in him, and the more we moved together, the longer we were in this perfect, feverish synch, the more I was overwhelmed, on the edge, coming apart at the seams.

He suddenly broke the kiss with a gasp, his head falling beside mine for a second. “Oh God,” he groaned, raising his head. “Oh my God, baby, you feel—” He shuddered.

I gripped his shoulders, rocking my hips in time with his thrusts and pulling him deeper as the first pulses of another orgasm rippled through me. Still moving together, we locked eyes, and it wasn’t his deep, powerful thrusts that forced the air out of my lungs.

This is real
. He moved faster, his body trembling against mine.
This is right
. I was so close, but held on, not yet ready to let this moment pass.
Everything about this is right
. He kissed me.
I love you
.

His lips barely leaving mine, he whispered my name, his voice somewhere between a moan and a sob. Then he moaned into my kiss and, in the same instant, we both let go.

When he collapsed against me, I held him, running my fingers through his sweaty hair as we trembled and panted in silence.

After a moment, I exhaled, and it was the most relaxed, unhindered breath I’d released in entirely too long. There were still questions and uncertainties and unpleasantness to be faced, but
this
was right. The only thing that mattered was
now
. This. Us.

This, I knew, was
right
.

I wanted to believe that. I wanted so, so badly to believe that, just like I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I bit my tongue. Why salt the wound any more than I would already have to? Because even as we lay there in the afterglow of the kind of sex I’d only ever had with him, the truth wouldn’t stay away. No amount of listening to his heartbeat or running my fingertips along his still, warm arm, or feeling his breath on my neck, could change what I knew and he probably knew too: I couldn’t stay here.

And when I awoke with the sunrise the next morning, Dustin was already gone.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Dustin

Nothing in town would be open yet, especially not on a Sunday, but the forty-five minutes it would take me to get there would give the store owners enough time to light up the
Open
signs. Even if everything was still closed when I got there, I’d just drive around and kill some time until they opened. As long as there was a muddy stretch of road between me and the ranch for a little while, I was happy.

Gripping the steering wheel, I tried not to relive last night. Or the night we’d steamed up my truck’s windows on the side of the road right there, between the end of Grange Ranch’s fence and the bridge over Horton’s Creek. Not that I could forget; every ache and twinge reminded me of everything we’d done. Every time I moved, even to steer the truck or push down on the accelerator, my mind went right back to her bed, and there was no denying it: spending one last night together was a huge mistake. I’d never felt closer to her than I did last night, and if I could’ve left well enough alone, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so goddamned alone this morning.

Amy wouldn’t stay. No matter how close we’d been between the sheets, neither of us could pretend her brother’s words hadn’t gotten under her skin, or that the decision she’d probably made by now hadn’t been inevitable since the day she’d arrived.

I went by the feed store and pretended not to notice that old man Smitty noticed I was here way too early or that Amy had been here just yesterday. The hardware store had the latches I needed to replace a few that had started falling off their doors, but I drove over to Walmart to see if they had them cheaper. They did, but I preferred supporting the local businesses when I could, so I went back to the hardware store and picked up what I needed.

The waitress at the diner on Fourth Street asked about my parents, the horses, and if we’d be going to the rodeo this weekend. I bit back my opinions about rodeos, especially those my ex-wife might be attending, and just said we wouldn’t be able to make it before I sipped my coffee and ordered my breakfast. By the time I’d finished, the diner was getting crowded, so I couldn’t justify lingering here and ordering a fourth, fifth, sixth cup of coffee.

I killed as much time as I could in town, but duty called. The longer I lingered out here, the later I’d be working horses tonight. Better to get home and get to work than screw up their eating, sleeping and working patterns.

Forty-five minutes wasn’t as long as it usually was. Before I knew it, all the fences and pastures were behind me, and I turned off the dirt road and drove under the King’s Ranch sign.

I parked next to Amy’s truck, and my heart sank. The handful of boxes in the bed of her pickup told me everything we both already knew.

But so soon? Today?

She wasn’t kidding when she said “tomorrow soon,” but that was a hell of a lot harder to stomach now that it was today.

Maybe it was better that way. Rip off the bandage and be done with it instead of dragging it out until tomorrow, this weekend, next week. Plus I’d have the farmhand duties to keep me occupied and distracted until we found someone to fill the job.

“Hey.”

Amy’s voice turned me around, and when I saw her, I gulped. “Hey.”

“I, um…” Her eyes darted toward her truck, then to the ground between us. “I figured it would be better if I left sooner than later.”

“Right.” I tried to find some air. “Might be easier that way.”

Amy nodded but didn’t look at me. “I still feel like I should give you two weeks—”

“Don’t worry about it.” I didn’t think I could handle two weeks of knowing when she was leaving. “Do you need help with anything before you go?”

“No. I didn’t have much to pack. It didn’t take long.”

“Oh. Well, good. Less work and…” I realized I was rambling, and just trailed off and let it go. “Anyway. Are you sure you don’t need a hand with anything?”

“I’m okay.” She nodded toward my parents’ house. “I said good-bye to your mom and dad earlier. And I gave them my key.”

God, this is happening too fast.

I need it to be over. Now.

Slow down, Amy, please…

She gestured over her shoulder. “I was just going to go in and see the horses one more time. Then I should… I should go.”

“Mind if I walk with you?”

She smiled faintly. “No, of course not.”

I went with her, and neither of us said a word as we walked into the barn together.

It wasn’t like she was moving to another planet, but deep down, I didn’t think she’d be coming back here. She had to get back on her feet in the world she’d left behind, so I didn’t kid myself into getting my hopes up she’d leave that world again. And seven or eight hours was a long way to drive for a visit. Especially for two incredibly busy trainers with packed barns and grueling schedules.

She stoically said good-bye to Chip and Star, plus a few other horses she’d apparently bonded with during this too-short time. It was Blue, though, who rattled her composure. Just approaching his door, she put a hand to her lips as her eyes welled up.

“You okay?” I asked.

Without looking at me or speaking, she nodded, and with unsteady hands, she opened the latch on his door. As she went into his stall, I stood in the doorway, watching her with him.

“Hey, you.” Amy ran the backs of her fingers down his face. “You’re going to behave, right? Be good for Dustin?” Her voice cracked, and I swallowed hard, trying to keep myself together.

Amy sniffed. She stroked Blue’s face, then his shoulder. I almost had to turn away when she wrapped her arms around his neck, and Blue—the horse that had been so skittish he’d break out in a sweat if a person stepped into his stall—rested his head on her back. He didn’t understand why she was upset. He didn’t know that when she left his stall and walked out of the barn this time, she wouldn’t be coming back.