All the Way Home and All the Night Through (10 page)

“I expect so. There's a large group from college going on Monday, isn't there?”

“That's right. Are you, er, going alone?”

“Yes, up to now.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Are you?”

“I don't know,” I said airily. “I prefer going with Harry and the boys in the band.”

“Why?”

“Oh, I don't know really. I like them better than most of the college mob.” I sneezed. My eyes watered and sweat stood out on my forehead. I couldn't have looked less charming if I'd tried.

“You've got a bad cold.”

“Yes.”

“Why don't you go home?”

“Because... Nothing.”

“Oh.”

“Look—”

“Yes?”

“Oh bloody hell.” I took out my handkerchief again.

“What's the matter?”

“It's this cold.”

“Oh.”

“What I mean is—nothing. Forget it.”

“Forget what?”

“All I was going to say.”

“What were you going to say?”

“You know what I was going to say. Anyway, we'd better get back.”

I slid off my stool. She walked in front of me to the canteen door. I stretched forward and pushed it open for her. I was as awkward as a Motley. I felt wretched. My cold danced in my nostrils and hope sprinted over the horizon. We mounted the steps from the basement, and rounded the corner into the entrance hall. We were twenty minutes late for classes. The hall was deserted. I glanced upward into the great well of college. The skylight revealed the panoply of late afternoon's early darkness. I had to do it now or not at all. Every nerve in my body stretched its full length in unison.

“Janet,” I said.

She turned, half up the steps.

“Look, you know what's coming,” I said. I rushed into it.

“What I mean is, lord, this must sound crazy, I know, but well, I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me sometime. You don't have to if you don't want to. But, this must sound strange, I mean, I hardly know you and everything, but I really would like to go out with you very much. I know you won't believe me, not with what you've heard and everything, but I'm not asking you as though you were just any girl, like the rest. I mean, you know why I go out with girls, for one thing, but, what I mean is, well, I like you, what I know of you, and I really would appreciate it if you'd go out with me. To the Fair.”

She smiled at me in what I took to be an amused fashion. She didn't say anything. I stood there like a naked fool.

“Well, there you are,” I said. “There's no reason why you should.”

“What about Karen?” she said.

Now hold on, I thought, hold on. She hasn't said no. Don't move or the balance will tip with a sneeze. She hasn't said no. She had said:

“What about Karen?”

“Karen? Oh, she doesn't mean anything. I mean, she's just a girl.”

“But you're going out with her.”

“No, honestly,” I lied, “I'm not. That was all over before it started. Seriously, I'm not seeing her anymore.”

“And Hilary?”

“Look, you saw how I felt about her. I mean, you don't have to accept. But I'd promise to be on my best behaviour. No false pretences. Honestly.”

I held up a hand and smiled. At least I hoped it was a smile.

“I don't know.”

“Look, all I'm doing is asking you to go to the fair. Nothing much can happen there.”

“I'm not really sure.”

“How about Saturday?”

“Not Saturday. I'm meant to be going out.”

“Monday then.”

“I've already been asked to go on Monday.”

“Who by? Tony Jensen?” I couldn't resist the question.

“Yes.”

Oh hell, I'm too late, I thought.

“Can't I persuade you to go with me?”

“I've already told him I'd go. He's not here today. He's at home with a bad cold. There would be no way of telling him anyway.”

“Tell me something. Do you really want to go with him?”

“I don't
not
want to go.”

“There's nothing I can say to change your mind?”

“I can't.”

“But if you weren't going with him, I mean, would you think of going with me?”

“I'm not sure. How do I know what you want? I'm not a Karen or a Hilary.”

“That's why I want to go out with you.”

“I've heard too much to believe you.”

“I wish you would. I mean it.”

“I can't believe that.”

“Listen. I'll tell you what. If Tony doesn't come in on Monday, then will you go with me? It can't do any harm. You've nothing to lose. I'll be on my very best behaviour. I promise. I can't say fairer than that.”

“You're sure about Karen?”

“Positive. Ask her.”

“If Tony comes in, I'll be going with him.”

“Then you'll come?”

“Only if Tony doesn't come in.”

“That's absolutely great. Thanks, thanks very much. I really thought you wouldn't, you know?”

She didn't answer. We didn't move. College was as silent as a blind man.

“I'll have to get back,” she said.

She moved off the entrance hall steps and began climbing the marble stairway which led to the studios. I remained standing where I was. She paused a few steps up. She turned.

“Thank you for asking me,” she said. Detached, unemotional, she turned away again.

Harry and I went to the fair on Saturday. Hilary and a group of friends were standing at the end of the stall-lined avenue which led to the fair. We stopped and chatted with them. I was in the process of apologizing again to Hilary when Janet got out of a car which had drawn up a few feet away. The car drove off. Janet saw us. She took up a position outside the pub on the corner. I went over to her.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hello.”

It was as if I hadn't asked her to go out with me. She didn't give me an inch.

“I—you mustn't think I'm with Hilary. Harry and I just bumped into them.”

She smiled as though she didn't believe me, as though she couldn't have cared less either.

“Oh, I don't,” she said. “Why should I?”

Her girlfriend from the dance rolled up.

“Sorry I'm late,” she said, and “Hello” to me.

We all stood about for two seconds. The other girl looked from me to Janet. Then they walked off. I joined Harry and the others. Hilary kept close. We kept bumping into Janet and her friend all night. Faint smiles. Hilary still kept close. We stayed together all evening. Later on we held hands and I took her home.

I got to college early on Monday morning. I hung about in the entrance hall, waiting for the Horncastle students to arrive.

“Karen,” I said when she came in, “can I have a word with you?”

I took her aside from the others.

“Look,” I said, “I don't think we ought to go out anymore.”

She looked surprised.

“Oh. Why not?”

“No reason I can tell you. I just don't.”

There was nothing she could say to that.

“That's it then,” she said, after a pause. She smiled in a meaning-less way. Before she could say anything else I walked away, sweating with relief.

I saw Janet at break.

“Enjoy the fair?” I asked.

“Yes, very much. Did you?”

“Not bad.”

Then I said:

“Has, er, has Tony come in?”

“No.”

“Oh?”

“He's got a bad cold apparently. He told Karen to tell me he wouldn't be in today.”

“So he won't be taking you to the fair.”

“No, he won't.”

“I see. Will I?”

“That's what we arranged, isn't it?”

“That's what we arranged.”

Imagine a sensitive child waiting in dread for its first day at school. Imagine a nervous man just before making his first public address. Imagine a schoolboy on his way to the headmaster's study. That was me during the hours preceding our arranged meeting. I saw Janet from a distance on several occasions during the day. She looked as detached as ever. And suddenly not attractive --- lovely. I couldn't imagine any reason on earth why she should be impressed by me to even the smallest degree.

Janet approached me at break in the afternoon.

“Jenny and Alex will probably be coming along tonight. They were going on their own, but I thought they could come along with us so I asked them.”

“Great.”

“What time shall I meet you?”

“Seven.”

“Where?”

“At the end of the road, outside the pub.”

“You could go along with Jenny and Alex. I'll have to go home first so I'll join you there.”

“Okay by me.”

Nothing was going to work out, I could see.

The rain poured down on my head. Jenny, Alex and I were waiting outside the pub. It was five to seven. My bones told me that she wouldn't come. I was being indifferent for the benefit of Jenny and Alex. The lights from the stall-lined street which led down to the fair winked limply throughout the blurring rain. Traffic swished by and people straggled past in the direction of the fair. At five past seven I went into the pub, leaving the others waiting outside. I ordered a pint. The barman slid it across the counter. I gave him the money and Alex was standing behind me.

“She's here,” he said.

“I'll be with you in two seconds.”

My body jettisoned its indifference. I almost choked trying to get the drink down. I went outside.

She was standing with Alex and Jenny. Her hair was done in its pony tail style. She wore a white roll-neck sweater and light blue jeans. My heart rolled over three times and I became constrictingly aware of myself.

“Hello,” she said.

“Hello.”

We all turned into the street and started walking toward the fair. Alex and Jenny were in front. They were getting on like burning houses.

“I'm glad you could come,” I said.

“Good,” she said. It could have meant anything.

I almost jumped out of my skin when she took my hand.

“I didn't think you would, really,” I said.

“Oh, why not?”

“Oh, I don't know. Just didn't think you would, that's all.”

“I said I would, so here I am.”

“I'm very glad.”

We got very wet at the fair. I tried to draw her into intimacy by asking her what things in life she liked: music, films, books, all that old jazz. She refused to be drawn. I couldn't tell whether she enjoyed it or not, but we held hands all the time. The time came for us to leave the fair. On the way back, Janet had her fortune told in a gypsy caravan.

“What was foreseen?” I asked when she came out.

“Oh nothing.”

“What did she say?”

“I'm not telling you.”

“Why not?”

“Because.”

“Come on, tell me,” I asked, but she wouldn't budge.

We took the girls to the bus stop. Alex and Jenny were engrossed in kissing each other.

“Look,” I said to Janet, “I hope you don't believe everything that people say about me at college. I mean, I wouldn't want you to think I'd asked you out with me because, you know, I thought you were just another girl. Because I don't at all. I've been meaning to ask you out since about the end of the first week at college.”

She looked at me with her expression of disbelief, apprehension, detachment, vulnerability and quietness.

“I haven't enjoyed going out with anyone as much as I have tonight for years,” I said. “I don't expect you to believe that, but I really mean it. I really do. I know we got soaking wet but I thought it was really nice tonight. I felt different.”

“It's nice of you to say so,” she said, half smiling, but not with the eyes.

“I mean it, and there's something else, too. I'd like to see you again, I mean, if you want to see me, that is.”

“I'll have to think about it.”

“Sure you will. But believe me, I don't want you to take any notice of what people say. Look, it's not as though I'm asking you to go out seriously with me,” I lied, “or anything; it's just that I'd like to see you again because I really enjoyed tonight and, well, I don't usually say this kind of thing,” I lied, “but I think you're really very nice indeed.”

She considered what I said.

“Well, I quite enjoyed tonight, too. Thank you for asking me,” she said.

I put my hands on her shoulders and gently pulled her toward me. She looked into my eyes with a question. I pulled her closer. I kissed her. I felt those strands of hair on my forehead. She didn't kiss back hard, but what kiss there was seemed worth all the others I'd known put together.

The next week I persuaded her to have a coffee with me one lunchtime. Like a clown I launched a frontal attack.

“You know,” I said, “Saturday was different. The fair I mean.”

“Why different?”

“Well, it just was. I mean, I enjoyed talking to you for one thing. With others, you know, I find that there's nothing left to say after five minutes. But with you I found it easy. I didn't have to force anything.”

“I don't see why it should be any different with me.”

“It's hard to say why, I suppose. It just was. And is.”

She said nothing.

“Anyway,” I said, “there you are.”

“I—I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me, you know,” she said.

“Such as?”

“I don't want you to think well, that I'm like the others, that I'm likely to fall over at the crook of a finger.”

“I don't expect you to do that at all,” I said.

“Because it won't work with me. There couldn't be anything... serious between us because I wouldn't want anything like that.”

“Neither do I,” I said. “Look, all I want to say is that I liked talking to you and I'd like to see you again and that's all there is to it. Hell, I thought you knew I wasn't the type that went in for heavy romances and all that?”