All Things Lost (34 page)

     “You've never said good-bye, you've never let him go,” I said softly.

     
“How?
How do I let him go? I've never loved anyone like I loved him. I'll never love anyone like that again.”

     “Don't say that, Will. You will love again, I know it. You're such an incredible guy.”

     “Maybe I don't want to love again. I don't want to feel like this again, lose like that again.”

     “Will, you have to heal, the wound is still fresh. What about
Bryan
?”

     “What about him?”

     “I thought he was interested in you, and I got the impression you might be interested in him.”

     “I'm not ready for that yet.
Bryan
's nice, I do like him, but I'm not ready to be in another relationship. Maybe I never will be.”

     “You will, you will.”

     “I wish I was as sure as you are.”

     “You have to let go, first.”

     
“But how?
Tell me what to do.”

     “I…I don't know. Do you still see your doctor?”

     
“Yeah, sometimes.”

     “You have to let him help you.”

     “Who would ever want me? I'm a 20 year old broken down widower with a baby.”

     “Will, you are one of the sweetest, most awesome guys I've ever met. Anyone would be so lucky to have you.”

     He raised his tear-streaked face to look me in the eye, searching my face to see if I was serious.

     Then, to my complete and utter surprise he leaned in a pressed his lips against mine. At first, I was so shocked I didn't respond at all. He pulled back slightly and saw the fear and uncertainty in his eyes. Without thinking I leaned back in and kissed him again, more to reassure him than out of any romantic desire. He responded immediately and the kiss quickly grew more and more passionate. Suddenly I realized what was happening and pulled away abruptly.

     “Will…” I started.

     “
Shh
,” he raised a shaking hand to my lips and touched them lightly. “Don't say it, please.” He leaned in again and kissed me softly once more on the lips. “I shouldn't have done that, I know. I don't know why I did. It just…”

     “It…it's ok.”

     “You're the first person I've kissed since…”

     “I know.”

     “Thank you.”

     “Um…you're welcome?” I said uncertainly.

     He giggled a little. “Maybe that's just what I needed.”

     
“To kiss someone?”

     
“To feel desirable again.”

     “You feel better now?”

     
“A little.
Want to make me feel better still?”

     
“Um, how?”

     He leaned in and kissed me again.

     “Hey!” I protested, breaking away.

     “Relax. It's ok. I know it doesn't mean anything. It's just a kiss, ok?”

     Before I could answer, his lips found mine again. I had to admit, it was nice to kiss someone again. It had been a long time since Asher and I had kissed. I hadn't realized how much I missed it. Will was a very different kisser than Asher, more relaxed, less demanding. It was very nice, indeed. One of his hands slid up my side under my shirt and the other cupped the back of my head. He leaned into me and slowly lowered me back until I was lying on the couch with him on top of me.

     “Where's your mom?” I managed to pull away long enough to ask.

     
“She at work.”

     “Darin?”

     “Asleep.”

     He cut off any further conversation with his mouth. Before I knew it, my shirt was off and he was fumbling with the button on my pants.

     “Will!” I gasped.

     “It's ok,” he said hoarsely. His hands were shaking so hard he was having difficulty with the button, which gave me a few precious seconds to try and stop things before they went too far.

     “What happened to it's just a kiss?”

     “I want you, Killian. I need to do this, it's been so long.”

     “Oh God,” I whimpered as he slid a hand down my pants.

     “Please?” he whispered, his eyes burned into mine, begging me to say yes.

     “I've never…Asher and I never…”

     “I'll be gentle,” he said and leaned forward to kiss me again.

     I felt the button to my pants finally give way to his insistence and he pushed them down impatiently. I was now lying under him in just my boxers. He sat up and pulled his shirt over his head in one fluid motion. His pants quickly followed.

     Will has a great body. It was obvious he hadn't neglected it during his months of mourning. His
chest was lightly toned, not overly buff
, but defined. It narrowed to a flat, smooth stomach and even narrower waist and hips. His dark curly hair was tussled and his cheeks were red with excitement. He was absolutely beautiful.  

     Almost as if I couldn't help myself, I reached up and ran my hand across his chest and down his stomach, stopped at the waistband of his boxers, where a very obvious tenting proved his state of arousal. He took my hand and slid it a little lower, wrapping my fingers around himself through the thin material of his underwear. His other hand slipped into the opening in the front of my boxers and grasped me. He softly stroked me a few times then lowered himself on top of me for another kiss.

     My mind was racing in confusion. Part of me wanted him more than anything, the part of my that was responding to his gentle thrusting, but another part of me, my conscious mind, knew that what we were doing wasn't the best thing for Will right now-or for me either for that matter. I knew I should put a stop to it, but I was quite powerless at this point to do more than moan softly. His hands slid down my sides and slowly pushed my boxers below my hips. The only sound now was our breathing, which was coming in ragged gasps.

     Suddenly we came crashing back to earth as the high-pitched wail of the baby pierced the silence. I felt Will's body tense for a second, and then he collapsed on top of me with a frustrated sigh. He got up and looked down at his erection with an almost comical expression of dismay, grabbed a shirt and pulled it on and then jogged out of the room.

     I lay still for a second, alone in the living room, as it sunk in how close I had just come to losing my virginity on my ex-boyfriend's cousin's couch. I sat up and pulled my boxers back up and began frantically searching for my pants and shirt. I was on my knees in the floor looking under the couch for my shirt when Will came back into the room. He was holding
Darin
.

     “Killian…” he began.

     “You don't have to say anything,” I said quickly, cutting off any awkward attempts at an explanation or apology. “What just happened between us…happened. It's ok. We don't have to talk about it.”

     “Maybe I do,” he said and sat down in a rocking chair and began to rock the baby.

     With a sigh, I pulled my shirt out from under the sofa and yanked it on. I sat with my back against the couch and my legs pulled up to my chest. I really wished I had my pants on.

     “I don't know why I reacted like that,” Will said softly. “I mean, I've always been attracted to you and all, but I never thought about…well, what we just did. I know I'm not over Aidan. I just finished saying I didn't want a relationship and then I practically rape you.”

     “You didn't rape anyone,” I said indignantly. “I let you do what do what you did. I…I wanted you to.”

     
“Really?
You weren't just doing it to be nice?”

     
“Maybe at first, the kiss especially.
But…I wouldn't lose my virginity just to be nice. It was like once we started I couldn't stop. Like we were on a train and I couldn't get off.”

     “That's how I felt. But it was just…physical. Look, Killian, you know I love you. You're one of my best friends and all, but I don't want to date you.”

     A sense of relief washed over me. I had been anticipating a rather sticky situation. I guess my face said it all. He giggled.

     “I told you it didn't mean anything.”

     “Yeah, but that was before you had my drawers around my ankles.”

     He laughed out loud. “Would you have gone all the way with me?”

     I shrugged. “I don't think I had much of a choice.”

     “Wow. I'm flattered.”

     “Will, you have to know how hot you are. When you took off your shirt…well, it was all over then.”

     “Not all over,” he said suggestively.

     I blushed. “So what does that make me?
A sex toy?”

     
“No, not at all.
I just…I don't know. I honestly don't know what came over me. It's just been so long since anyone has touched me.”

     “I know what you mean,” I said, thinking of Asher.

     “I guess it's a good thing
Darin
woke up when he did, huh?” he said thoughtfully.

     
“Maybe, maybe not.”

     He looked up sharply.

     “I just mean that…well, I wouldn't have minded losing my virginity to you.”

     
“Really?”

     
“Really.”

     He grinned. “Darin will be asleep again in a few minutes.”

     I blanched. “I, uh, think that was a one time thing.”

     He laughed again, “I know, sweetie, I was just teasing.”

     “Maybe you'd better call
Bryan
soon,” I teased back. “Relieve some of that sexual tension you've got going on there.”

     He looked thoughtful. “I don't think I'd better do that just yet. I think
Bryan
would put too much into it. I'm just not ready for a serious relationship yet.”

     “You just need to get laid.”

     “God, you make me sound like a slut.”

     
“Nah, just a horny little bastard.”

     We laughed.

     “Speaking of horny little bastards you might want to put your pants on before I jump you again.”

     He got up and took the now sleeping baby back to his room while I stood up and pulled on my pants. I was searching for my left shoe when he returned. He slid his arms around my waist from behind.

     “Thank you, Killian,” he said softly. “I think it was definitely for the best that it was you who came over here today. I can't imagine this happening with anyone else.”

     “Not even Asher?”

     
“
Ew
!
Don't be gross,” he said with a swat at my head. “Speaking of Asher, are you over him?”

     I sat down to tie my shoe and thought about the question. “No,” I said finally. “Not really. Maybe more than I was a few weeks ago, but I'm far from over him.”

     “I still don't understand what happened with you guys. You seemed so happy together.”

     I sighed. “I guess looks can be deceiving. It was just like everything came apart at once; even though I know it had been building up for a while.”

     “Do you think you'll get back together? Do you want to?”

     “I don't know anymore,” I said truthfully. “I did want to, more than anything. Now I'm not so sure.”

     “Have you met someone else?”

     “Not really,” I said slowly. Will
gave
me a look.
“Maybe.”

     “Tell me!” he demanded.

     “There's nothing to tell. I met this guy named Micah and he asked me out. I'm not even going to call him.”

     
“Why not?”

     “Because…I don't know why not, I'm just not.”

     “Is he cute?”

     “Yeah, I guess so. He's not like breathtakingly gorgeous or anything but he's definitely cute.”

     “So what's the hold up?”

     “Look who's talking. What about
Bryan
?”

     “We're talking about you here, not me.”

     “If we can talk about me we can talk about you.”

     He sighed. “We're a great pair, aren't we? Unlucky in love, afraid to move on, so we almost sleep together.”

     “Let's not say anything about this to anyone, ok?”

     “You mean like Asher? Don't worry, Killian, I'm not that big an asshole.”

     “That's not what I meant…”

He waved a hand with a dismissive gesture. “Don't worry; I'm not going to tell anyone. It can be our dirty little secret, a shared indiscretion.”

     “You make it sound so dirty. Nothing happened really.”

     “We came pretty close.”

     “But we didn't and that's what's important.”

     He was quiet for a minute,
then
asked, “Do you wish we had?”