All Who Dream (Letting Go) (18 page)

“I’d say
that motherhood is the hardest job there is. I may only have one child, but
still, raising him has stretched me many times beyond what I felt capable of
handling on my own. Whether or not a person has a faith doesn’t exempt any of
us from needing to seek out support. Parenting is too important to be trapped
in the overwhelming feelings of isolation. We need others to root us on and
challenge us when struggles arise. The fellowship of others has been my biggest
tool.”

“You
speak a lot about support,” she said, a smile spreading across her face.

“Yes, I
do.” I nodded.

“And what
kind of support do you receive from Cody’s father?”

What?

The
question was a stinging slap to the face.

My breathing
went shallow, forcing the words to be released from somewhere in the back
corner of my mind. Words not rehearsed; words not prepared.

“None,” I
said. “He’s…”

“Not dead like some of your fans might believe…correct?”

This was
the lie I had allowed Cody to believe for years. The sin that ate at my heart
and twisted my consciousness with every year he aged. I knew the truth would
come out, but not like this. Never like this. Briggs and Charlie knew the truth
and a handful of trusted women at
The
Refuge
, but they were the only ones. Everyone else believed he’d died when Cody
was a baby.

She smirked.
“I’m sure you’re not the first woman to face this parenting predicament, Angie.
Would you care to share how you handled telling Cody that his father is a
convicted felon? You’re blog is full of such insightful honesty. In fact, that
is what your readers say most often about you—how open you are about your life.
But weird thing is
,
I didn’t see anything about this
detail of your life on your blog.
Nothing.”

No…

Cody can’t find out like this…he can’t!

She
glanced down at the note cards that lay in her lap as if they were silently coaxing
her on.

My ears roared
with the sound of pulsing blood. “I’d actually rather not talk about-”

“I’m sure
that had to be a very difficult conversation. No child wants to hear that his
father’s in prison for attempting to murder his mother,” she said. “But of
course, you had support from your church, right? I’m sure they helped you, or
were they led to believe that Cody’s father was dead too?”

I stared
at her as thick darkness started to cloud my vision, coming from somewhere
behind me and tunneling ahead of me with rapid speed.

Divina
sat silent now—her ankle still swinging side to side
like a hypnotic pendulum.

Murmuring
came from somewhere in the distance, and everything felt like it was happening
in slow motion. If time was moving ahead, I was stuck somewhere in the past,
somewhere paralyzed by fear.

I opened
my mouth, but no sound came out.

“I’m sure
your fans have a lot more questions for you on that particular topic. I wasn’t
able to find that particular story anywhere in your blog posts from the past.
But really, isn’t that the biggest part of who you are? You’re not only a
single mom who was widowed after all, but a victim of domestic violence whose
ex-husband is serving a maximum sentence without parole. That statistic is far
more interesting I believe. Fame doesn’t keep secrets,” she turned now to the
camera. “I’m so glad you were with us today, Angela. For more information on
A Lone Joy
, please visit our website.
We’ll be back in a moment.”

And
then…the lights went out.

A loud,
angry voice snapped me out of my stupor.

Jackson.

I watched
him break free from the hold of two large security guards. He shot toward the
set with long strides of determination and pulled my stiff body to him. He was
speaking—no, he was shouting—but the words were a jumbled mix of sounds that
bounced off my ears. Nothing could penetrate the defensive wall in my mind once
it was up…
except
…

Cody.

Where is Cody?

And then
my feet were moving at lightning speed, Jackson’s close behind me. We stopped
in front of the green room.
Pippy
stepped out, her
face the shade of ash. As I saw the TV in the back corner featuring a program
I’d rather forget, I felt ill. My eyes scanned the room to find Cody.

“Mom?”
Cody asked, his bottom lip trembling. “What was that
lady talking about?”

Pippy
placed her hand on my arm, her eyes telling me
everything I needed to know. Cody had heard—what? I wasn’t sure, but enough to
cause her concern.

Enough to make my stomach twist with nausea.

“Sweetheart.”
My voice sounded lost, far away, as I dropped
in front of him. “I’ll answer all of your questions soon, okay?” I hugged him
to me, my throat burning painfully as I swallowed.

Cody
nodded, but I felt no relief in his compliance. Telling him the truth about his
father was the last thing I wanted to do—ever.

Cody sat with Walt in the front as Jackson slid into the
car next to me in the back. He put his hand on mine, but I yanked it from his
grasp. Fury boiled hot inside me.

How did this happen?

I glanced
at Jackson, the look on his face frighteningly unfamiliar: Worry.

Jackson
never worried.

“I’ll
take care of this,” his voice was urgent, yet hushed.

I shook
my head. “You can’t, Jackson. It’s done.”

 
“No-”

I shook
my head again, pointing to Cody as if to silence the discussion. For once,
Jackson didn’t argue.

We rode
the rest of the way to my apartment in silence.

“Do you
mind if I have a minute alone with your mom, Cody?” Jackson asked as he
followed us into the living room.

“Are you
okay, Mom?” he asked, softly.

“I’m okay,
baby. I just need to sort some things out right now, okay? We will talk soon, I
promise.”

He nodded
and went into his room, shutting the door behind him.

It was
then my tears came—hot, angry, tears.

Jackson
took a deep breath, walked to my bedroom and opened the door for me to follow
him inside. I hesitated, but I had too many thoughts in my head, too many words
that needed to be said. He shut the door behind me.

I turned
toward him.
“
How
?
How did she know those things about me?”

His
eyebrows shot up. “You don’t think—Angie I would never!
I
didn’t even know all of that!”

I slumped
against the wall. I knew in my heart he wasn’t responsible. But I needed
someone to blame and
Divina
wasn’t here,
unfortunately.

Tears
rolled down my cheeks as my anger morphed into heartbreak.

He stood
before me, fire in his eyes as he struggled to keep his voice low. “So it’s
true, then? He’s not dead? He’s in prison for assault and attempted murder?”

“Yes.”

I could read
the torment in his face, his hand twitching with a desire to damage and comfort
at the same time. I understood the emotion. That torment lived inside me, too.

I met his
gaze. “Exposing me is exactly what she wanted to do, isn’t it? She wanted to
discredit me?” I swallowed against the burn in the back of my throat. “It’s
what everyone will believe, Jackson. Any credibility I’ve built in this tour as
a strong, independent, single mom has just been replaced with the image of me
as a helpless victim.” I shook my head and pushed away from the wall. “But none
of that matters in the end; not as much as what she’s just done to my family.”

Jackson
gripped the back of his head like he was holding it in a vice. He stepped
toward me, his
body so close
that I could smell the
distinct scent of his cologne: a mix of ocean and cedar wood.

“Listen
to me,
Angie,
she is the one who will pay for this
stunt.
Not you.
I just need time to
think about how we can combat this—”

“No.” I
took a step to the side and sat down on the edge of my bed. I needed space to
think. “The only thing I need to do is figure out how to tell my son. You can
worry about how this will affect the family tour, but now I have to explain to
my son how his father tried to murder me....”

I dropped
my face into my hands.
 

“Angie.” The
hoarse rasp of his voice made my stomach hurt. His tone was full of heat and
passion, yet layered with grief. He knelt before me. “You’re right…Cody is the
priority here, nothing else.”

My hands
fell away from my face; I stared at Jackson.

 
“I have to leave town, Angie… but I want you
and Cody to come with me.”

“Where?”
I asked, lifting my face to his.

“My brother’s lake house.
It’s his birthday this weekend,
but it would be a good place for you to talk to Cody. I just…I just don’t want
to leave you like this.”

I closed
my eyes, head throbbing from stress. “Okay,” I whispered.

“Okay.”
Jackson covered my hand with his and heat surged in my veins. “We’ll figure
this out.”

“You keep
saying that…”

 
“I keep meaning it, too.” His eyes pierced
mine. “I’ll go tell Cody about our trip. It will be good for him….lots of fun
things for a kid to do out there. You just worry about packing what you need—no
formal wear needed.”

That was
the best news I’d heard all day.

Three hours later we were driving through the luscious
countryside of Connecticut. The trip was literally like driving into a fantasy
world. Hills, trees, and lakes covered the landscape. Everything was rich and
green, nature’s beautiful kiss. It was hard to believe we were only a couple
hours away from the hustle and bustle of New York City.

Cody
filled the hours in the car with his travel quiz games, Jackson playing along
while I stared out the window, trying to piece together a plan. Briggs and
Charlie would be in New York Monday night, and I needed to talk with Cody
before then.

The thought
was crippling.

I wanted
to go back in time and push
Divina
off her chair,
make her beg for forgiveness for outing such personal information, but even I
knew it wouldn’t have stopped her. She’d had an agenda. Maybe it’d been her
agenda from the first time I met her at the publishing house. Who knew? I
wasn’t sure how anyone could be so heartless, but the truth was out now. Just
like a train that had left the station. There was no reversing it.

 
I wouldn’t let my mind wander much beyond the
immediate steps ahead of me. Figuring out what to say to Cody was the priority.
Apart from that, I had no control. Perhaps I’d been kidding myself to think I’d
ever been in control at all.

Cody knew
about my work at
The Refuge
of
course. He knew I was helping women out of hardship and hurts, but the details
of abuse—especially
my
abuse—I’d kept
guarded from him. He was an innocent party to his father’s sins. I’d only
wanted to protect him for as long as I could.

Now
protecting him meant telling him the truth.

I felt a
squeeze on my hand, “We’re only a few minutes out. Maybe you should take a nap
when we get there…my sister-in-law already has a room made up for you and Cody.
You’ll like Jessie.”

“Thanks,
but I have a lot of calls to return.” I lifted my phone. A list of voice mails
and texts filled the screen. I’d have to deal with them sooner or later.

He
scowled. “I think you need to lay low for the day. Reception is spotty out here
at best. Cody and I can go out on the paddleboat. I think you should rest.”

I pulled
my hand out from his. “No, I shouldn’t. There are things I
have
to do, things I’ve been forced to do, Jackson. They can’t
wait.”

He
remained quiet for the next few minutes. “I wasn’t trying to-,” he glanced into
the rear-view mirror, looking at Cody in the back seat. He flexed his jaw
several times, before speaking again. “I just want to help you, Angie. Let
me...
please
.”

Something
warm swam through my veins as my eyes pooled again with tears.

We pulled
up to a house that looked like it could be on the set of Anne of Green Gables. The
place was gorgeous, easily the most beautiful home I’d ever seen, surrounded by
God’s most glorious displays of creation. A large, white, Cape Cod-style home encircled
by lush green grass overlooked a placid lake. It was truly breathtaking.

Cody
burst out of the car, exclaiming how right Jackson had been about our
destination. Jackson put his hand on my knee, speaking nothing, but reassuring
me nonetheless before I opened my car door. The hot summer air filled my lungs
as I followed Cody to the front door. Jackson was at my side.

“
It is such a privilege to meet you, Angela,” Jessica Ross
said. “My daughter has told me so much about you. I’m glad you and Cody could
join us for the weekend.”

“I really
appreciate your hospitality, especially at such short notice.” I shook her hand
and noticed immediately that her smile was the same as
Pippy’s
.
That fact warmed my heart. She also had the same dark hair as her daughter, but
instead of a short, stylish pixie-cut, Jessica’s hair was layered, hanging past
her shoulders. There was nothing showy about her appearance; in fact, just the
opposite was true. Her beauty was striking.

“We have
several people coming to stay with us tomorrow night after the party, so I have
you and Cody sharing one of the larger guest rooms at the end of the hall.”