Alma Mater (24 page)

blow up before he will. He's a man, men don't take women's relationships seriously. If he puts two and two together, he'll discount it. He wouldn't think he's sexist or anything, but men assume they come first. He's no different."

They walked the rest of the way to Jinx's in silence.

As Jinx opened her front door, Vic finally said, "You're right. I
think you're right. Men believe they are first."

"As long as they're paid more, they will be. And who's going to
tell them they aren't?" Jinx said this as they walked into the kitchen.
"Hungry?"

"Starved."

"You butter the bread.
do the rest." Jinx tossed a package of

boiled ham and a cube of Swiss cheese on the counter
_;
then she
grabbed a jar of hamburger pickles and a jar of mayonnaise. "Think anyone at home knows about you and Chris?"

"No"

"Bunny will figure it out first. She's always looking, scanning the radar," Jinx declared.

"She's scanning Don, not me."

"She scans everybody. It's like she has to know. Mom's like that. I
don't get it exactly. I'm too busy to care what anybody else is doing.
I'm putting pickles on, okay?"

"Lots."

Vic stepped out of the way as Jinx commandeered the buttered bread. "Love must be a powerful thing. More powerful than-1 sup
pose someday I'll know."

"It's wonderful and terrifying. You can't think. I will remember
until the day I die the first time I saw the light on Chris's cleavage. I
felt like I'd been blasted by a bolt of lightning. I had to have her. I
had to touch her and smell her. And then," she laughed, "song lyrics,
those stupid, vapid lyrics all sounded true and wise and God, it really is
horrible."

"And you truly don't feel that for Charly?"

"No. I love him. I like sex with him. I love being with him. We
know each other, through and through, but it's not the same."

"And it'd drive you insane to see him make love to Chris?"

"Just the reverse." She bit into the sandwich. "And I orchestrated it. You know what's really weird—I didn't know I had it in me. If you had
told me in September that I'd go to bed with a woman and a man at the
same time, I would have said you were certifiable."

"Would you do it again?"

"How do I know? It wasn't a rational event. It felt right at the time.
I wanted to do it. And it was really, really exciting." She paused.
"Maybe because we aren't supposed to do it or maybe because it's vi
sual. You can watch."

"Pervert."

"So it would appear." Vic finished half her sandwich.

"I think I'd better make you another one."

"Finish yours first and let me finish mine. Then I'll know how hun
gry I am."

"I guess you are going to have to talk to each of them individually, don't you think?"

"Yes."

Jinx rose, made two more sandwiches, and then sat back down.
"You need to keep your strength up, especially if you're going to keep up the recreational sex."

"I've been sleeping with him Wednesday afternoons because she's
in class. And every night I've been with Chris." Vic's green eyes twin
kled. "Maybe I need massive vitamin therapy."

"Bet you're glad Thanksgiving vacation starts in two days."

"Chris is coming home with me. She'll go home for Christmas, but
we'll be together for Thanksgiving, my Pave. And we'll go to the game,
Charly's last. Got tickets for you, Mom, Dad, Mignon, Bunny, and
Don. You should be proud of me. I really am organized."

"I am proud of you. I'll pay you for my ticket."

"No." Vic stopped and looked at Jinx's warm brown eyes. She felt
as though she were seeing her dearest, oldest sister for the first time.
She felt as though she could see straight through her. "Jinx, I don't
know what I'd do without you." Tears rolled down Vic's cheeks.

Jinx got up, putting her arms around Vic. "You've bailed me out
plenty of times."

"I love you. I'm so lucky to have you."

"I love you, too."

Vic pushed her chair back, stood up to hug Jinx with all her might. "I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up. I don't want to hurt anybody."

"I don't think we can go through life without hurting people, even
when we don't want to, Vic. I don't know why it works that way, but I
think it's the deal."

"There's got to be another way."

"Come on, finish your sandwich. Want another?"

"No, thank you."

They took their seats again. "Look, even if you are the best person in the world, people around you have expectations, right? Like my mother has expectations, and I don't fit them. I don't hate her. She
makes me froth at the mouth, but I don't hate her. Still I can't be
what my mother wants me to be, and I think that's just how it works
whether it's parents or friends or lovers. They kind of invent you, and
then one day they see the real you. And it's not the same person. So they either have to love the real you or find another invention. Of
course, your parents are stuck with you, so they can ignore it or make up stories about how you're doing what they want. Mom does that. I hear her talking to her friends about how I'm dating this guy and that
guy and I'm having the most fun any coed, her word, 'coed,' has ever
had." Jinx sighed. "Fairy dust."

"Yeah. And when the fairy dust wears off, everyone feels betrayed."
"I haven't betrayed my mother. I don't think you've betrayed Charly.
You never promised him marriage or fidelity, did you?"

"No."

"And what have you promised Chris?"

"Nothing. But I told her I loved her."

"Would you be faithful?"

"Yes. But you make me think, Jinx, you always do. If I many Charly,
the fairy dust will wear off. If I marry Chris, it will, too. Then what?
Then I see her and she sees me and we either make it or break it."

"Yep. But any relationship that lasts is the same deal."

"Not us." Vic pointed at Jinx's heart.

"We've known one another all our lives. It's different when you
grow up together. You see everything, pretty much. You can't hide
anything."

"Not if you're true friends." Vic got up and opened a cupboard.
"Mind if we eat up your chocolate chip cookies? I'll buy you more." Vic
put the bag on the table and then started a pot of hot water for tea.

Vic fixed the tea, sat back down, and dunked cookies in her tea.
"You know what I think? I think nobody wants you to be you. Your parents have this vision. Friends who aren't true friends have this vision
or expectations, as you'd say. The church doesn't want you to be you.
The government doesn't want you to be you. What people really want
is obedience and conformity, even if it tears you in half."

"1 agree." Jinx exhaled. "I don't know what to do about it except to be
as true as I can to myself, to you, to the people who want me to be me."

"You know what Mom said to me once? I was in high school, and
we were talking about the women's movement. There was a march or
something like that, and I was full of questions and opinions and Mom
said, didn't conquer the world. I found a way to live in it.' It was so
odd coming from her. It was like an explanation of why she wasn't
marching, sort of, not that I ever thought she would. And I wonder if I
will say that some day."

"It is odd, but I can hear your mother saying that. You know, Vic,
maybe everyone who actually thinks for herself takes a step out of line. I kind of think it will happen to me some day, in a different way than
it's happening to you, but I know I can't coast along. I can't go along. I
can't. I mean, I'm not looking to be an obstructionist or anything, but I can't agree when I think something's not right or it's not going to
work. Mom says men don't like women who think."

"Oh, they do. I mean a lot of them do. They just don't want you to
disagree with them. But hey, women don't want you to disagree with
them either."

"I don't know. Maybe we show it differently. I was just thinking, maybe it's easier to love a woman. For two women it's the same world.
A woman and a man live in different worlds."

"Jinx, maybe we each live in a different world."

"And growing up is building bridges?"

They sat there looking at one another, and Vic broke the silence.
"I want to build bridges. I do. I don't want to be closed off from people,
from life. I don't want to turn into a lot of what I see, closed and con
trolling. God, Jinx, I feel like I'm shedding my skin. I feel so raw, but I feel so alive. I have never felt this alive."

"Gotta shed your skin to get bigger."

_I

love you. Only you." Charly's voice sounded strong and clear.
"Where are you?" Vic had just walked into her apartment when
the phone rang.
"Phone booth at Ewell Hall. I had a half hour before class. I had to
call you. I want you to know I love you. I just want you."

"Hey, last night was my idea." She leaned against the kitchen
counter.

"It's you, Vic. Last night was great, but I'm in love with you. I'll always be in love with you."

"I love you, too." She meant it, although that wasn't the whole
story. Vic wished that she smoked. This would be a perfect time for a
cigarette.

"Can I see you before you go home? I want to talk to you."
"Charly, let's do it after Thanksgiving. You have the game. Con
centrate on that and—"

"You'll be there?" he interrupted.

"You know I will."

"Good." He was glad for the reassurance.

"And Mom and Dad and Mignon and Aunt Bunny and Uncle Don
and Jinx and Chris. Aunt Bunny will be wearing her binoculars."

"Chris is going home with you?"

"Yes." She inhaled and then exhaled, concentrating on breathing.

"Last night was unique, but I'm still me and you're still you." She adroitly
dropped Chris from the conversation.

"llh, well, it was . . . unique." He hoped she believed he loved only
her. He didn't really look at other women.

"That's the truth." She laughed and felt better when he did, too.
"Charly, really, don't worry. I'm not worried about you. Things will all
work out. They always do."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Guess you haven't been back to the dorm yet."

"No, after this class. I'm walking in like nothing happened. Why
volunteer any information? No one may have noticed I wasn't in my
room."

"Good idea. Let me know what happens. Well,
I
guess you can't
because you'll be talking on the phone in the hall."

"I'll let you know. Hey, I've never missed a night, never missed a practice during the season since freshman year. They can stuff it."

"It will be your best game, Thanksgiving."

"Yeah?"

"Didn't I tell you I was clairvoyant?"

"I'm glad somebody is. Time to boogie. Vic, I love you. I want you
to know I love you."

"I love you, too. Don't worry."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye." She hung up the phone. A light breeze ruffled the leaves like
feathers outside her window.

A few flaming maple leaves swirled to the green lawn, falling
among the yellow oak and poplar leaves. She opened the window and
let in the cool air filled with the fragrance of fall. Aunt Bunny bitterly
complained about winter, comparing it to death, but Vic felt winter
contained the beginning of life. Those beginnings were hidden from
view, but they were there, waiting.

Being in college was a bit like being a seed in the ground during
winter, Vic thought. Everyone watered you, put nutrients in the soil,
waited for sunshine. At graduation you sent up your first shoot.
It
was a
silly picture she had in her mind, all these seeds marching off the stage
wearing mortarboards, tassels wiggling. Odd pictures often popped