Almost Broken (9 page)

I shift in my seat and try to choose my words carefully. I didn’t expect to see her tonight. I thought I’d have time to prepare, now all my thought’s seem jumbled and crowding each other. Like if I speak right now, only gibberish will come out. She’s waiting for me to answer. It’s been at least almost a minute and her stare is cutting into me. I feel like I’m on the witness stand.

“Did you hear me?” she asks, irritation evident in her tone.

“Well…” That’s all that comes out of my mouth, and she bites her lip.

“How was your visit with…” She lets out a deep sigh and smiles tightly. “Your daughter.” She forces the words out like she’s chewing broken glass. She stands up and then turns away from me and smooths her hair with her hands as she laughs nervously. “I’ve been practicing how to say that without sounding like a complete bitch all day.”

I laugh, but not at her but because I can’t get the word
puppy kicker
out of my head.

“It’s not funny, Chris,” she snaps me back to the present, her eyes downcast.

“We don’t have to talk about that right now,” I say, approaching her. She doesn’t step back this time. I put my hands on her waist and then she moves away. I scratch my head.

“No. It’s important. Right?” she says pointedly.

“Yeah.” I nod my head.

“I know, you’re ecstatic. I know how much you want kids.” She says the last part quietly.

“She’s the silver lining in all of this.” I shrug, and she doesn’t say anything for a minute.

“Does she look like you?” she asks, and she sits back down. I know talking about this isn’t easy for her, but she’s good at hiding how she feels when she wants to. She wants me to think she’s okay with this, and really, if there’s any chance for us she has to be okay with Caylen. So it gives me a little hope that she’s trying to be. I pull out my phone and scroll through the pictures Lauren’s sent me of her and choose my favorite one. I cautiously hand the phone to Jenna. She takes a small breath before taking it, and when she sees the picture, she closes here eyes after just a second. She rests her head in her palm as she stares at the picture again before she hands the phone back to me.

“She’s beautiful,” she says quietly. I take the phone back and think of whether to say thank you or not.

“She look just like you,” she adds tightly, then sighs. “Can you get me some water?” she chokes out. I open the refrigerator and grab a bottle of water and hand it to her. I notice her hands shaking a little. She takes a drink and sets it down as she lets out another deep breath.

“I—I want you to meet her. When you’re ready,” I say hesitantly.

Her eyes widen. “Not ready,” she replies quickly, then lifts her head up.

“Don’t they live in Chicago?” she asks, and I nod. She looks a little relieved when I tell her that, but I might as well get all of this out of the way at once.

“She’s coming back this weekend,” I tell her, and the relief that she had a few seconds ago has disappeared.

“Are you going to pick her up?” She says the words so quickly I have to remember how to answer her question.

“No, Lauren’s going to bring her.”

Her eyes immediately narrow in on mine. “Why? Why can’t you just pick her up and bring her here?” she asks bluntly.

“Well, she’s only a year old, and has never been away from Lauren that long. She’s still getting to know us,” I say as if it’s obvious, and her eyes grow wide.

“How long are they going to be here?” she asks sharply.

“Just for two or three weeks,” I say quickly. She runs her hands over her face.

“Have you asked her about the divorce?” she asks abruptly. I’m caught off guard. I guess I shouldn’t be. I know it’s something—well one of the first things—I probably should have talked to her about. Jenna’s definitely not going to like that it wasn’t. It’s just with so much going on…

“I’m going to,” I say firmly.

“That means you haven’t!” she says, her tone rising.

“It’s just so much has been going on,” I try to explain. I can see her anger rising exponentially.

“What has been going on to keep you from making this a priority? Have you even found a new doctor yet?” she asks sharply, interrupting me, and I can only look away from her.

“I’ve been looking for one, but it turns out Dr. Lyce is one of the best,” I say, ignoring her burning stare.

“Have you made an appointment to see her?” she asks angrily. She’s on a roll, and when she gets on a roll she doesn’t stop.

“No, I don’t know if I want to see her after everything,”

“Then what the hell are you doing?” she yells at me.

“I’m trying to figure everything out!” I snap back.

“What is there to figure out? If you want a divorce, you ask her for it. If you want a new, doctor you find one.” Her hands are balled up, and she’s shaking. “How fucking dare you ask me where my ring is, and you haven’t even asked your ‘wife’ for a divorce?” she says, thumping me in the chest with her finger punctuating each word. Her eyes are wide and full of angry tears, and I realize how right she is.

“Is everything okay?” my mom appears in the kitchen standing in her robe. Jenna’s eyes narrow in on me before turning towards my mom.

“I’m sorry I was so loud, Mrs. Scott,” she apologizes quietly.

“It’s okay Jenna, do you guys need anything?” she asks, glancing at me, and I smile tightly.

“No. Chris was just going to walk me to my car now,” she says, heading towards the door. “Have a good night Mrs. Scott,” she says before leaving. I let out a sigh. My mom looks at me sympathetically before I follow Jenna out. She’s already at her car, her arms folded across her chest. She’s not in it, so that means she’s not done.

I walk over to her and stand an arm’s length away from of her.

“You’re right. I’m just trying to make this right for everyone.” It’s dark out so I can’t really see her facial expression but if I had to guess, I’d say she’s rolling her eyes.

“You like things to be easy, Chris. You try to make everything easy for everyone, and this just isn’t going to be a situation where things are going to be like that,” she says, closing the space between us. I take her in my arms, and she rests her head on my chest.

“I’m going to ask her. I just don’t want to spring it on her. She knows that it’s going to happen. I just want us to get to a good place with us and
Caylen, and then we can go from there.”

“It’s not springing it on her!” She pulls back from me and lets out a deep, frustrated groan.
“You
said that she was letting the past go. She knows you’re engaged, you can’t marry me while you’re married to her. So she’s either letting you go or she’s hoping for something different. You can’t let her keep holding on, that’s going to make all of this worse!” she says frantically. “You can’t let this guy control your life. Start making your own decisions.” She’s adamant, and she’s right. As long as I’m married to Lauren he—Cal—still has a hold on me. His actions still supersede mine.

I’ll be her friend, and she’ll see that we can be friends and have a relationship for Caylen.

“I’ll tell her before she goes back to Chicago,” I say mostly to myself, ignoring the tightening in my chest and the growing tension in my head.

“And I think I should meet Caylen while they’re here,” she says, looking up at me with a small hopeful smile. I feel good about this and ignore the feeling that came before.

Tell me what you want….

      
      
      
Everything…

I hate this feeling. The nervousness, the anxiousness that starts in my stomach and spreads everywhere. I want it to go away. I want to feel fine about all of this, but something’s tugging at my thoughts, suggesting that I’m about to fall down the rabbit hole.

I had another dream about Cal last night, it was the first night we had ever slept together. Everything happened as it did that night except after he asked me what I wanted, when I told him everything, he told me I
couldn’t
have it.

I couldn’t have everything and not to get my hopes up.

I woke up after that, before it even got to the good part. I haven’t had any of the good part in…I don’t even want to think about how long that’s been. What I have been thinking about is the last time I talked to Chris. How we talked for almost two hours and it passed like minutes. It was the first time where the butterflies settled in my stomach, where there was no nervousness or anxiousness. He talked to me like a friend. I don’t think Cal and I ever talked like friends.

Just friends.

I’ve been trying to not think of Cal since this all happened. I know focusing on him is the wrong thing to do but I can’t help it. I miss him, but I am so angry at him, for letting this happen, for never just telling me the truth.

Then again, this whole thing is pretty unbelievable. If he told me when we first met, I probably would have headed for the hills, but once I fell in love with him, it wouldn’t have mattered. It would have been so much easier if he had just told me. It wouldn’t have been the long sleepless nights worried about him and where he was because I would have known. Then again, Chris didn’t even know what was going on. I wonder how all that would have worked out, but it’s no use thinking about it now. It hurts too much. You think it’d be harder for me to not think of him when I’m around Chris, but it isn’t as hard. He and Cal are so different it’s easier to believe when I can see the difference. It’s when I’m not around Chris that I start analyzing everything. Thinking of what it means when he’s not around. If he’ll ever come back, if it was him who winked at me and called me gorgeous, if it even happened at all.

I’ve started to look up things about the condition and to see how many people live this every single day. Some have as many as ten or twenty alters. The word
alter
makes me cringe though. To condense a person into an ‘alter,’ their life, their hopes, and their loves—I guess that’s because I fell in love with one. Chris hasn’t talked to me about seeing anyone about his condition. He mentioned he didn’t trust his prior doctor, not that I blame him. I want to ask when he’ll be doing that, but I guess since Cal hasn’t attempted to resurface, it’s not his priority right now. I don’t even know if he thinks it should be my concern. It’s when I start to think of things like this that the anxiety in the pit of my stomach starts and won’t go away.

I try to think these three weeks are going to be smooth, that Caylen and the Scott’s will spend lots of time together and Chris and I will have a better understanding of one another and everything will be sunshine and roses, but for some reason as I approach their door, I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.

In these three weeks, a lot of questions are going to have to be answered. That may not be easy. We’re going to have to come up with solutions that aren’t simple to come up with, but for this to work, we’re going to have to face them.

It’s one o’clock in the afternoon, and Chris actually got called into work today. He asked me if I wanted him to not go in but I didn’t think it was necessary. He should be home soon anyway. What I didn’t expect was for Mrs. Scott to ask for me to come over as soon as I made it. I’m halfway up the steps before she opens the door a wide grin on her face.

“Hi, Princess!” she says as she rushes over to me and takes Caylen out of my arms.

“I’m so glad you guys made it safely, how was your drive?” she says, giving me a quick glance and a warm smile. She never takes her attention away from Caylen for very long. If it was anyone else I’d take offense, but with Mrs. Scott I know she means well.

“It was good. She slept most of the way,” I say, following her into the house.

“She’s such a good little girl,” she coos to her as we head into the kitchen. The smell of chocolate chip cookies greets us.

“I baked these just for you,” she says to Caylen. I hope I can at least have one.

“You don’t mind do you, Lauren?” she asks hesitantly.

“Only if I can have one,” I joke, and she laughs.
      

“Please, especially before Chris gets home. He can eat the whole batch by himself,” she says as she gives Caylen a half of a cookie and hands me the plate. Like everything else she’s cooked, they’re delicious.

“I’m so glad you guys are here
and
I have a surprise to show you.” She picks Caylen up off the counter and gestures for me to follow her. She leads me to a room with a closed door.

“I hope you like it,” she says before opening it. When she does, she reveals a beautifully decorated little girl’s room. There’s a full-sized bed with a beautiful pink and white down comforter, matching curtains and on the white walls are pink flower decals. There’s a white dresser, and beside it a bookshelf stocked with children’s books, and a lounge chair with a teddy bear as big as I am. She puts Caylen down and she immediately makes her way over to the bear. I’m literally speechless. I can’t believe she did all of this in two weeks.

“You like it?” she asks with a nervous smile, and I feel tears in my eyes. I blink them away quickly.

“I can’t believe you did all of this.” I say as I make my way around it. It’s the perfect little girl’s room. Caylen has a beautiful room back home, but the attention to detail Mrs. Scott put into this for a little girl she’s only met once—my little girl—lets me know without a doubt she’s been accepted into their hearts.

“That means you like it?” She chuckles. I nod. “I hope this wasn’t too much of an inconvenience?” I ask still taking everything in.

“Well, this used to be my crafts room. Whenever I do crafts I typically I end up in the living room or at the kitchen table so it really was just a storage room, and the moment you showed me Caylen’s picture I knew it would be hers. You really like it?” she asks genuinely.

“I love it.” I giggle. Caylen’s taken her cookie and is trying to feed it to the bear.

“Oh, Caylen, you’re going to get it all dirty,” I sigh, taking the cookie from her hand.