Almost Mine (34 page)

‘I can’t apologise enough to you.’

‘I don’t want an apology. I want a change. Today is the first day of our sixth year together, and I would love to do things this year that we have never done before.’ He sat silently, bewildered. ‘Unless I’ve made a terrible assumption.’

‘No.’

My heart sank. ‘No?’

‘I mean, no you haven’t made a terrible assumption.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yes, of course I want you. I was trying to save you from a desolate life.’

‘You’re a bloody fool.’

‘I know.’

‘Infuriating.’

‘I know.’

‘Stubborn.’

His mouth lifted almost to a smile. ‘It almost worked.’

‘No one can ever accuse you of being afraid of commitment.’

‘Not of commitment, just of shackling you to a barren life.’

I climbed onto the bed with him and curled myself around his warm, half-naked body. ‘This is all I need; to have you within reach whenever I need you.’

‘What if—.’

‘Oh just give it a rest.’ I reached up to kiss his jaw. ‘Anything more than you is a bonus to the prize that I already have.’ I looked up into his consistent look of doubt. ‘What a turn-around this is; me reassuring you of your worth?’ I kissed him again and my heart stopped and then swelled when at first he hesitated, but then he kissed me back.

‘I love you.’

‘I love you, too, angel.’

His hand went under my jumper and I stopped him before we got carried away.

‘I have something to tell you first. I want to share with you my favourite memory held within this room.’ I sat next to him and leaned back on the pillows. ‘Actually it’s something more of a show than a tell.’ I tilted my hip to one side and reached into my back pocket and slid out a piece of glossy, folded paper. I handed it to him.

‘What’s this?’

I nudged him with my shoulder. ‘Why don’t you open it and find out?’

He unfolded the paper and all at once his chest rose and fell as his breath came fast in and out of his lungs. His hand went to his mouth and his eyes welled as he gazed down at the grainy image held in his shaking fingers.

‘See that?’ I said as I pointed to the image. ‘That’s a tiny hand. And those are tiny feet. And that,’ I circled a tiny black circle in the middle of the paper, ‘is our baby’s tiny heart.’

‘How did this happen?’ he said, and my heart swelled at the pure astonishment in his voice, just as he sounded when he said, “you really will marry me?” after he’d suggested that we bring our first baby into the world as husband and wife. I had to swallow the lump in my throat before I could speak.

‘We came together when it was most imperative. Don’t you know by now that our bodies, our every breath, our hearts work as one? Why did you come to bed that night, three months ago?’

He couldn’t drag his eyes from the page lying across his palms. ‘I just remember craving you more than I ever had before…and I couldn’t help myself. I had to have you.’

‘See? Our bodies knew that we needed each other, even if our brains didn’t. That night I think that we just let go of everything. It’s amazing the positives that can happen once a person releases the entire ugly negatives.’

He took a long look at the picture of his tiny baby. ‘This is so surreal.’

‘It takes some getting used to.’

‘Why did you wait to tell me?’ he said suddenly mortified. ‘Look what I’ve done to us.’

‘I had to be sure that everything was ok. I needed to be sure that you wouldn’t be left broken-hearted again.’

‘I almost ruined everything.’

‘Don’t you understand by now that we can never be ruined?’

He shook his head. ‘I can’t stop looking at this.’

‘Here.’ I managed to pry a hand away from the paper. I lay back on the pillow and lifted my top above my belly button. ‘Our little miracle is really in there.’

He lay down next to me and I swooned at the way his big hand finally found its rightful place pressed against my abdomen. ‘And everything is ok?’ he said as he fluttered soft kisses across my skin.

‘Everything is superbly amazing.’

‘Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?’

I nodded.

‘I’m so sorry, angel. How will you ever forgive me?’

‘There’s nothing to forgive. We’re all allowed to lose our way. I’m just glad that I was able to bring you back to me.’

He up looked at me through his eyes brows because he couldn’t tear himself away from our baby. ‘Don’t think that I don’t appreciate the fact that I am the luckiest man alive.’

‘You had me worried there for a long while.’

‘But never again, angel.’

I wriggled down so that his mouth was close to mine, then rimmed his bottom lip with my fingertip as a devilish grin formed on my mouth, ‘and don’t think that if this mouth goes near another that is not mine, that I won’t cut your lips off and feed them to the neighbours’ horse.’ I finished with a long, lingering kiss.

‘I can’t tell if you’re serious or not.’

‘I dare you to find out.’

‘Trust me; if I’m ever that brainless again I will cut them off myself.’

I kissed him again before I relaxed across our bed, effortlessly drifting off to sleep because that’s all I seemed to do these days.

‘Hey, angel,’ Nick’s wonderment filled the room and it filtered through to my sleepy, satiated state.

‘Hmmmm?’ I sighed.

Though my eyes remained closed I could tell that he was smiling. ‘We’re going to have a baby.’

My heart swelled and my tears welled in my eyes. ‘This is the first day of our happy ever after, Nick.’

6 months later

It was three days before Christmas, three days before our most precious gift was due to be born, and I sat with my back against a blossom tree that sheltered me from the summer heat with a canopy of heavenly pink blooms. I wore a thin singlet and a flowing elastic-banded skirt, but I was still overheated by the stifling sun. Even my crisp, breath-of-fresh-air of a husband before me, wearing a light grey t-shirt and a pair of long shorts, without a bead of sweat on him, couldn’t cool me; but his magnificence never did, it only made me burn up.

I sipped lemon water as Nick doted on me, applying a layer of cool blue polish to my toenails and massaging my swollen feet with heavenly attentive and soothing hands. I looked the epitome of the queen that he made me feel like every day, and I closed my eyes, committing to memory the feeling of being nothing but worthy.

As the sun was shadowed by a pillow of white fluffy clouds I was comfortable, finally; lounging restfully on plump cushions surrounded by a lunch of fruit, ham and pickle sandwiches, choc-jam donuts — because Nick never overlooked a single thing that I craved — and a pitcher of iced lemon water. I had everything within reach, which was handy, because even though sitting took no energy, the getting up and down part, or even the attempt to lean forward and breathe at the same time was quite a feat…and oh how I missed painting my toenails…it was lucky for me that I had an indulgent husband.

It was the last Sunday before Nick and I would become a family, and we decided to close the restaurant for the week of Christmas despite the fact that it was one of the busiest times of the year. We needed time to ourselves to take a deep, uninterrupted breath before our lives changed forever. Today, we had decided to celebrate a new beginning by saying good-bye to the life that we once had; a life of waiting...we were more than ready to farewell the ache of waiting for each other, of waiting to welcome the active baby that was growing in my weighty mound of a belly.

‘I’m going to miss the quiet,’ I sighed dreamily as we reminisced about the little things that would never be the same again.

‘I’m going to miss having you all to myself,’ Nick said as he blew gently across my toes to dry them. ‘There, all done.’

My eyes remained closed as he crawled up and lounged beside me. ‘I’m going to miss being the only girl,’ I said.

‘I’m going to miss only having one girl to please.’

Even though my eyes remained closed, I could tell that he was smiling. The way he attended to me, the way he asked how high if I said jump, told me that he would not miss a thing about the incomplete life that he once lived.

‘I’m going to miss your mother’s hands on my belly as she invades my personal space every time that I see her,’ I lied. ‘Does she not understand that between her hands and the baby is a real person?’

‘You’re very gracious to indulge her.’ He laughed out loud. ‘I’m going to miss rubbing your belly with soap in the bath.’

I opened my eyes and with a cheeky glint I said, ‘I implore you to continue my bath massages...’

‘Well how can I say no if you
implore
me?’ He leaned into me and nuzzled into my vanilla skin where my neck met my shoulder and his hand spanned the ridge of my mound.

‘You’re a good man, Nicholas Mathieson.’

He kissed my heating skin along my neck and to my jaw line. ‘Oh, I love when you use my full name; it makes me feel naughty,’ he whispered at my ear.

‘Speaking of names,’ I said as I ignored his exploring hand that had slipped below my belly, ‘have you narrowed them down?’

He extricated himself from me and sat with his legs outstretched before him. He let out a deep sigh. ‘I don’t know why you left it up to me. It’s a lot of pressure.’

‘Well, we can’t keep calling her Poppet when she’s born.’

His hand was on my belly again. ‘But she
is
a clever little poppet. Plus, she kicks every time I call her that.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘That’s because she’s telling you that she hates it.’

He was affronted. ‘No she isn’t.’

I stared at him, soundlessly beseeching him to think of something else, like an actual name perhaps. ‘She’ll be here before we know it,
Nicholas Mathieson
.’

He laughed. ‘It’s ok, angel. When she’s born I have the perfect name for our daughter who breathed life into our despairing lives.’

‘I love seeing you like this; all excited and impatient and,’ I searched his face for a fitting description, ‘animated. You’re just so alive and carefree.’

‘I’m a reflection of the life that I lead with you.’

This time I laughed. ‘So, still cheesy then?’

‘I can always stop that if you like.’

‘Never! I’d miss your romantic mouth the most.’

With his head turned to me he leaned in close, our noses almost touching. ‘How much would you miss it?’ he murmured.

‘Like a heart misses a beat.’

He kissed my mouth lightly. ‘I never believed that I could be this happy.’

‘Kiss me again.’

‘As you wish.’ He kissed me again but pulled back when my mouth tightened and my expression became alarmed. ‘What’s the matter? I thought you liked my romantic mouth.’

‘Oh God,’ I breathed. ‘Either I’ve wet myself or my water just broke.’

Together, our eyes travelled slowly down to the pillow that I was sitting on. It was wet, soaked. My hand went to my stomach as a deep pain tightened it. ‘Ohhhhh geez,’ I grimaced. ‘I don’t think I wet myself.’

‘Are you sure?’

I threw him a don’t-mess-with-me look, and he took the hint. Nick sprang to his feet and reached for my hands. ‘Come on. You’ve got to get up.’

I gripped onto him but another pain overtook my strength. ‘I can’t,’ I groaned.

‘You can’t have her here!’

‘Well I can’t get up!’

‘Ok. Ok.’ His eyes darted around at what he had to work with, analysing the situation. He pulled out his phone from his back pocket.

‘What are you doing!’ My panicked breaths were coming hard and fast. ‘You better not be calling your mother.’

‘Ambulance, Cate.’

He gave the details to the operator and before they could instruct him to stay on the line, Nick pressed end and knelt down before me as I lay panting, gripped with relentless pain.

‘I have to push,’ I told him, though I wished I didn’t have to. Nick was as white as a ghost. He shook his head, begging for me not to do this here. ‘It’s ok. Help me take my underwear off.’

‘It can’t happen this fast, Cate. The mid-wife said that the first baby usually takes hours. I can’t help you here. I have nothing—.’

‘Nicholas Mathieson!’ I gave him a verbal slap through strained gritted teeth. ‘As much as you think I am defying nature, I assure you; it’s happening. Focus. When this one finishes…’ I panted until the contraction dissipated, ‘…help me take my underwear off.’

My breathing steadied and he did what he was told. ‘What now?’ I could feel my face burning up and I couldn’t speak. ‘Cate?’

‘I have to push.’

‘What do I do?’

Birthing classes circled in my head. ‘Put your hands on my knees and when I push, push against them.’

He took a deep breath to focus himself. ‘Ok.’

A second later another contraction took over my body and I pushed. ‘She’s coming…’

Nick looked down. Fear and panic widened his eyes as I dragged in another breath and pushed again.

‘Oh my God, angel,’ he looked up at me. ‘She really is coming.’ With erratic purpose he searched around for something.

‘What are you doing?’

He held up his rough, calloused hands. ‘I can’t hold her with these.’

‘Just use your T-shirt.’ Without a second thought he off over his head and laid it across his knees. ‘I need to push again.’

He held his hands on my knees and looked me resolutely in the eye. ‘Let’s do this.’

The world faded into silence as my eyes widened and my mouth made an O shape. Nick resisted my urge to slacken my legs by pushing on my knees and when my breath returned, Nick looked down. ‘Oh, I see her head!’ he said in pure awe. ‘Her head is out!’

‘You have to support it. Put your hand under—.’

He reached down and cupped his daughter’s head in the palm of his hand, and as I bore down to push, the rest of her slipped out and he caught his daughter. He lifted her onto his lap and wrapped her in his t-shirt…and the world shifted…changing forever… With his hands that were huge by comparison to the tiny bundle that he was holding, he scooted closer to me - taking special care not to pull on the umbilical cord that we’d learned in classes not to cut - he cautiously lifted her to his bare chest, patting her back.