Alone (18 page)

“
What did you think?” she returned to her office and took the same seats as before.

“
You have a beautiful gallery and some very talented artists.”

“
Do you think your art would fit in here?”

I had been thinking about that during the tour. The answer was obvious. “Not really. My art is completely different than anything I saw on display.”

“
I noticed that as well.”

“
However,” I continued, “I would love to see my work on these walls. I've never fit anywhere throughout my life, I like to think that my art holds the same quality. Maybe I would bring something completely different to this gallery, but is that a bad thing?”

“
The people who visit this gallery know what to expect when they walk in here. Your work is definitely different and it's just a matter of determining if your work would compliment the other art or would it just be too different.”

“
I don't see anything wrong with seeing a bit of the unexpected.”

“
What if the unexpected doesn't sell? What if I lose some of my clientele because of the unexpected?”

“
Then at least you'd know how far you can push the envelope artistically,” I answered confidently.

“
Yes, but at what expense? Don't think I haven't noticed your talent Willow. It's impossible to ignore since I've seen it in person at your show. However, you can look at things from an artistic point of view but I have to look at things from a financial standpoint as well. Taking you on as an artist would be a risk, one I'm not sure my gallery can afford to take. However, like I said, your talent has not gone unnoticed. The board is having a meeting early next week to discuss possible new artists and you are one we are considering.”

“
Thank you very much,” I said astounded. “I hope the board sees things in my favor but if not, at least I will know the reasoning behind it.”

I spent three weeks in Portland, taking in as much as I could. Alli showed me some of her favorite parks and the best places to shop. She was such a well-spoken little girl that there were times that I had to remind myself that she was only nine.

While I was in one of Portland’s coffee shops that reminded me a lot of The Mud Room, I met two girls that were college students at the University of Portland. Kelly and Hannah took me all over the city showing me all the hot spots.

It was my eighth day there when I made the decision to move to Portland. When I told Kelly and Hannah, they were so excited for me. They even said that I could stay with them for awhile as I was searching for my own place. I was excited about started this new chapter in my life, but I had to close the last chapter first. Hannah came with me to the airport.

“
Don’t forget to call,” she said. “And let us know when you are coming so we can get your room all set up.”

“
I will, I promise.”

“
I mean there are only a couple months left of school but that should be plenty of time to find your own place right?”

“
Yes definitely. Thank you so much Hannah. You and Kelly have been so great these past couple weeks.”

I gave her a hug before going through security and finding my gate. I couldn’t wait to be able to call Portland home.

CHAPTER 16: LETTING GO

After the long flight to New York City, I still had to make the four hour drive home. It gave me time to think of how I was going to tell my friends that I was leaving. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, I was just getting to know them all.

I decided to wait until I felt the time was right, but I knew it wouldn’t be long at all. Every day that I was there, it felt like I didn’t belong. I loved Portland so much, I had to get back there as soon as possible.

Over the next few days, I started receiving letters from other galleries that had came to my show. Some were just thanking me for putting my work on display and how they thought I was talented but for whatever reason, I wouldn't fit in their gallery. I had three letters asking for a meeting do discuss a possible opening in their gallery. I thought about it seriously, but I knew where I wanted to be, and unfortunately, none of their galleries was in Oregon.

Clara Johnson called me only a few days later. She was unable to convince the board to welcome me to their gallery. It wasn't a huge surprise, but I was extremely disappointed. I was forced to reconsider going to Oregon and taking such a huge chance. I thought maybe it was a sign that I shouldn't try to make a life for myself outside of New Jollie. What made me continue on with my plans was the memory of what I was like before I went on my trip. The fact that I didn't get into the gallery, didn't change the fact that I no longer belonged here.

A week after I got back to New Jollie, Sara came to my apartment. I contemplated telling her my plans but I was so afraid of letting her go. I told her about the visit at the gallery in Portland and that I was still waiting for a call.

“
So, do you know when they'll let you know?” Sara asked.

“
No, I don't know if I will hear anything. I know I'm not too worried about it.”

“
What's up with you? It seems like you have something you want to say.”

“
I'm leaving Sara. I'm moving to Portland.”

“
Wow. That's quite a move! I thought you hadn't heard back from the galleries yet.”

“
I haven't. When I was there in Portland, I don't know, it was like I belonged. It is so amazing there. The people, the landscaping, even the rain. I knew it was just a vacation but I was not looking forward to coming back here. Ever since I've came back, I can't paint, I can't write, I can't do anything. I feel like I'm walking around in a fog all the time. I don't belong here anymore.”

“
Aren't you scared to take off across the country? I mean you don't know anyone out there do you?”

“
Not really. I met some people while I was there, and I know I will meet more people when I move.”

“
When are you leaving?”

“
A couple weeks. I have a few things I need to take care of before I go, but then I am driving there.”

“
You are driving?”

“
Yeah. I want to stop a few places along the way, take some photos.”

Sara was deep in thought. “You are much different than when I met you a few months ago. You're smiling a lot more, you're excited about things, and you seem to have a new outlook on things.”

“
I do. I hadn't realized how negative I was all the time. Or maybe I just thought I deserved to always feel only the negativity that surrounded me. I was going through the motions of living here, but I was just existing instead of living. Then I met you, and Jace, Mrs. Schneider died, I saw my mother after three years all these things brought out so many different thoughts and emotions. Everything seemed to be happening so fast, and somewhere along the way, I don't know, I think I discovered how to love myself.”

There were tears running down her face now and she finally said, “I have to go now Willow. It's time.”

“
What? No. Can‘t you wait until after I leave?”

“
I will always be with you Willow. Just not in the way that I have been.”

“
Why? I mean I know it's selfish of me to ask but why don’t you come with me?”

“
Haven't you figured it out yet?”

“
Apparently not.”

“
I think you have, you just don't want to admit it. Haven't you wondered why I am never in public with you? Walking silently down the street maybe, but I didn't go to Open Mic, or to your art show, I wasn't at Mrs. Schneider's funeral.” She was looking at me like she was stating something very obvious but I was missing it. “I never touch you, or let you touch me.”

“
You're shy, that's all.”

“
No Willow. Look at me! What do you see?”

“
My best friend.”

“
Look at my eyes Willow. Don't tell me you don't see it.” I shook my head remembering the two paintings, the ones believed to be my self portraits. “You aren't going crazy. I came here because...”

“
NO!” I interrupted. “No Sara. Don't tell me. I won't believe you. I'm not insane.”

“
No, you're not. I promise you aren't. I'm only here because it was the only way to make you see yourself in a different light.”

“
Good. So you're not going to tell me I've been talking to myself for the last six months.”

“
You've always known. I don't have to tell you.”

“
NO! Shut up!” I covered my ears like a child but could hear her clearly.

“
Willow, it's okay. I'll prove that it's all okay. What day did I come to meet you?”

“
The day
City Woods
was done.”

“
And where were you before you went to the building?”

“
I went to see Mrs. Schneider.”

“
And you confessed to her...”

“
How lonely I was.” I finished her sentence. “How I wanted to feel love.”

“
And what did she tell you?”

“
I must learn to love myself first.”

“
I was created in your mind Willow. That first day you saw me on the street, I still wanted to hide. I am a manifestation of your own imagination and I represent all the love and compassion you have to give. You had pushed me away for so long. Beaten me out of you. That's why, when you first met me, I was all bruised. Yet every time you had seen me after that, I was getting more and more beautiful because you were letting the happiness, the bravery, the beauty back into your life. That is all I've represented this whole time. I'm the part of you that's always been there, but you never wanted to see. I came when you needed me the most.”

“
I know,” I said quietly.

“
You told me you loved me and what did I say?”

“
It's about time,” I laughed through the tears. “I guess it was about time.”

“
Very much so. I kept asking you questions about cutting because that aspect of who you are is the complete opposite of what I am. You’ve taken months to get to know me, the best part of who you are, but I must go now. I will always be with you, but you will never see me like this again.”

“
I don't think I'm ready Sara.”

“
Yes you are. If you weren't you wouldn't let me go. You are ready Willow. Don't ever lose sight of me again. Make yourself happy every day. More than anything else, remember that you love me.”

I was crying now as I watched her literally disappear. I wasn't crying out of sadness like I had for Mrs. Schneider. I was crying because Sara was right, I knew all along that she wasn't real. Sara mimicked all that was good inside of me, but I was unwilling to see. I would never let that part of me disappear again. I was much happier with myself since I let her back into my life. I could finally admit that I was a beautiful person. I had a long way to go before I could really feel free of the past, but I was ready for the journey. The urge to cut was still unbearable sometimes, but I found ways to cope. I don’t know if that will ever stop and I know that the chances of me relapsing, is very high but I am finally able to fight it with all that I am.

I thought about all the times I was with Sara and all the signs had pointed to her being in my mind. The day she wouldn’t let me take a photo of her, the blanket still on the couch the way I left it, the way she would seem to pop up out of no where. I knew all along, but I refused to really see it because I needed her so much. I knew I wasn’t saying goodbye to her she would always be in my heart.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

The fact that I was moving to Portland was never like a dream to me. I didn't have some unrealistic dream of becoming a famous artist there. I was simply going to make it work. I didn't care if I had to work four part-time jobs to make it there, I just knew that is where I belonged now.

What I did have trouble with was proving Miss Morgan right. She knew I'd be sucked into that city. I waited impatiently in Miss Morgan's office for her to return from the bank. I played with a loose piece of string on the chair, tapped my foot and chewed on the inside of my cheek. I wasn't sure if I was excited to tell her or nervous. Probably a little of both.

She walked into the office and didn't even notice me sitting there at first. She was preoccupied with the papers in her hand.

“
OH!” Miss Morgan yelled, the papers scattering on her desk. “You scared me! I didn't see you there!”

“
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.”

“
Wow! You're back!” She was over the shock and was now full throttle into excitement mode. “I missed you! How was your vacation? When did you get back?”

“
It was good. Actually it was great.”

“
I see you've kept your promise of coming back.”

“
Yep. No volcanoes erupted, the rain didn't spiral any suicidal tendencies in me. Here I am just as I promised,” I saw no need to ruin her excitement so quickly.

“
What did you think of the galleries?”

“
They're HUGE! It was overwhelming, I thought I'd get lost. I never realized how small we were in comparison until I saw it for myself.”

“
Yes it is a whole new world isn't it?”