Alvarado Gold (23 page)

“Dad. I’d like to take some tools and borrow the Pontiac.” At his dad’s positive nod, Gary continued, “We’ll be back in a while.”

As the four of us walked to the car, Gary’s mother waited near the driver’s side door. “You two be careful.” She rested her hand on his arm. “Addie’s cousin could come back.”

“We’ll be fine, Mom. We won’t be gone anytime at all.” With a few items he’d found in his father’s garage, we took off to retrieve the monstrosity from its resting place.

I rolled down the window and let the breeze blow through my hair. Then, I closed my eyes. We rode in silence with each of us lost in our own thoughts and dreams.

I thought about the night he’d rescued me from Donnie. The rock he’d given me and the long, slow kiss once he held me in his arms. In the next few seconds, my short relationship with Gary played out before me. He had told me the passages in Ecclesiastes explained life to him. My systematic mind shifted into third gear.
A time to be born and a time to die
.
That one was easy. Life had bookends. You came into existence and you went out.
A time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted.
Gary had certainly planted love in my heart. It grew silently there but now was like an untamed vine. I needed either to cut it back or let it flourish. I’d purposely tried to cut love from my life before. Did he warrant someone who wasn’t willing to give up what she wanted?
A time to kill and a time to heal.
Gary told me the verse referred to killing that which was evil. Was there so much selfish sin in me because I wanted everything to be the way I wanted it? Would it bring healing to let someone else share my life?

A time to tear down and a time to build up.
Should I tear down the old facade of Addie Brown? The toughness I’d only built up to hide a wanting heart?
A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance.
I’d had my time to weep and my time to laugh. I wanted to dance now. But could I also include Gary in this? Let him be part of the new me?

A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together.
I had cast him out. I knew that was a big mistake. But was he so forgiving he could overlook I was so ready to give him up?
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
When he held me in his arms, I felt I belonged there. Was that too much to hope for?

A time to get and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to cast away.
Was I ready to keep what I’d longed for? Should I spend my entire life looking for what was right for me?
A time to rend and a time to sew.
I had torn us apart once. Was I ready to give in and put the pieces back together?

A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
My time to love had come but the war raged on. I struggled to find the peace I needed to speak with him about the way I felt. I also had to make my peace with God.

Suddenly, I realized he was pulling over to the side of the road. “What are you doing?” Ludicrous question, I
knew
what he was doing. He wanted to delve into our relationship and where it was going. Don’t pull over. Don’t go there. Not now. There was no way to get out of it; we were coasting to a stop. I’d listen to what he had to say but it appeared he wanted more from me than I could give him. Or should I say more than I was willing to give?

“I want to talk to you.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and slid across the bench seat closer to me.

My heart raced with anticipation. “What?”

He reached over and took my hand. “I love you, Addie.”

“I know. I love you, too.” I looked up into his eyes. Instead of the passion I’d expected, he looked solemn. What was he trying to say or hedge around? I had been too flip, that was it. He probably felt I was going to give him the “I love you, but not like that” speech. How could he know the turmoil boiling within me?

“Addie. Do you understand I
really
love you? My feelings for you are beyond the heat and the fire. I must admit I have those feelings, too, but I truly cherish you.” His expression intensified his devotion. “The well within my soul is full. What I feel for you will last a lifetime. A lifetime, Addie. Do you grasp what I’m saying?”

“What
are
you saying, Gary?” I blurted out.

“Marry, me, Addie. You don’t have to answer me now. When the weekend’s over, make your decision. I’ll accept whatever you decide.

I knew it. How could I tell him? I drew in a deep breath. How could I not? “I can’t. It’s too soon. Please. Give me some time.” I saw the question rise on his brow. I took my eyes from his and looked out across the warm earth of the freshly plowed field. I could feel tears beginning to form.

“You can’t or won’t?” He reached up and curled a lock of my unruly hair behind my ear.

“I want to fulfill the dreams I’ve let go. I’ve wanted to go to Egypt and, finally, the opportunity is there for me…now…with my new job.”

“Why can’t we go together?”

I turned toward him and thoroughly surprised, mumbled, “You’d go to Egypt because I wanted to?” How selfish could I be? All I had to do was mention my heart’s desire and he was there to fulfill it. What were his dreams?

“I’d go anywhere to be near you, right next door or to the ends of the earth.” His expression didn’t waver, the intensity of his feelings shown on his face. “It doesn’t matter where we are, as long as we’re together. I need you, Addie.”

He needed me, the magic statement, the secret password to my heart. Was I his dream?

I started to stumble into some sort of acceptance but the guilt in my heart edged in and I knew I couldn’t be Gary’s wife. I wasn’t good enough for him. I had done something wrong and it was eating me up from the inside out.
Would God listen to me after all this time?
“I don’t know what to say.”

He put his fingers to my lips. “Don’t answer me now. I lost you once. I’ve been waiting for this day since you came into the BLM. Just let me know before you leave.”

He handed me a small slip of paper.

I searched his eyes. “Do you want me to read it?”

“Yes. It was from another time and written for my grandmother. My grandfather gave it to her the night he left for Europe to join his squad during World War II. I think you’ll find it fits us, also.”

“Your grandparents were important to you, weren’t they?”

“Yes, I was close to Granddad, just as you were to your grandpa. They lived in Alvarado. They were the reason my parents retired here.”

Carefully unfolding the old, worn paper, I fingered the creases. The ink was as fresh as it had been the day it was written. It had been stored safely for years. I read:

As the secluded blackness of the night held on to the horizon, I could hear the lonesome call of the nightingale. The sadness crept into my soul and a chill fell heavy on my shoulders, matching the cold dampness of the dew that bent the meadow grasses low to the earth.

I gasped when you touched my shoulder. Not expecting to see you but hoping with all that was in my heart you’d arrive. This was our place. We’d stand on the crest of the hill and watch the sunset deeply nestle into the green valley below us.

But today, we met at dawn because today, my love, is different. By evening, one of us will leave these fertile hills and golden plains for a life apart from the other. Not by choice but happenstance. The choice would be to remain here, close, loved, desired. But life tears us apart to spin us around, setting us anew. If the fates are good to us, it will set us right again, together.

“This is beautiful,” I said looking up at Gary as I felt tears pool in my eyes.

“He wrote it for her when he asked her to marry him.” Gary reached out to me and caressed my shoulder. “She waited for him to finish his tour in Europe and then they were married here in Alvarado,” he finished in almost a whisper.

I thought of the verse that seemed to linger in my thoughts constantly now,
for everything there is a time and a place unto heaven
. I knew I couldn’t dismiss the echoes in my soul as coincidence. Gary was quiet about his beliefs. He chose to demonstrate them by the way he lived. He cared enough about our relationship to seek me out and make things right. His strong character reflected his centered faith.

I remembered myself as a little girl seated snugly between my parents in a pew at our old church. I trusted strongly then. With the innocence of a child, I’d search the stained glass windows for my own glimpse of God. I’d let my analytical mind and hectic schedule take me away from where my heart always knew it should be. To where I’d left my convictions and where Gary’s had always been. I folded the letter and handed it back to him.

Curling his fingers around my hand he smiled. “I want you to keep it.”

“Gary.” I started slowly, placing the folded paper in my lap. “There’s something about me you don’t know.” I glanced up at him.

“We both have a lot to learn about each other, give it time, Addie. We’ll learn about one another together.” He pulled me closer but I resisted his embrace.

“I can’t marry someone like you. You’re strong in your faith and I’m not. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“But you believe, Addie. You went to church. You told me so.”

“Yes, but something happened. God and I don’t see eye to eye anymore.”

“What?” He looked at me, his blue eyes clouding over with concern. “God will forgive you for anything.”

“God doesn’t need to forgive me, Gary. I need to forgive him.”

“Why? What do you mean?”

“When my mother was sick, I bargained with God. I begged Him to let her live even though I knew her care would consume my life. I bargained with Him. If He’d let her live, I’d devote my life to Him.”

“And when she died?”

“My mother’s funeral was the last time I set foot in a church.” The hot tears that had formed in my eyes rolled down my cheeks unattended.

“You were so close to your grandfather. Did he know?” Gary brushed away my tears.

“No one knows.” I turned and looked out of the window. “I can’t marry you, Gary. You need a wife who is as faithful as you are.”

“Addie. All of us have asked for something we didn’t receive. Maybe not as desperate as a plea to spare someone’s life but all of us have unanswered prayers.”

“I know, but…” 

Gary put his fingers to my lips. “Do you want me to ask him for you? I’ll intercede.”

“No.” I let out a heavy sigh. “I need to do it myself.”

He returned to his place behind the wheel, taking a deep breath his shoulders slumped as if he, too, carried my burden. We reached the ditch where the truck rested. The old Ford waited, parked across the street, both tires fixed. A note placed on the front seat.

“What does it say?” I peered over his shoulder.

“Sorry, and it’s signed DJB.”

“I’ll be.” I smiled. “Donald Joseph Barnes. He has some redeeming qualities after all.”

Gary folded the note and placed it into his shirt pocket where the note he’d given me had been. “There’s good in all of us. I don’t doubt there’s some in Donnie, too. Which do you want to drive, the pickup or the car?” He held out two sets of keys.

“The truck.” I opened the old creaking door and jumped into the not so comfortable driver's seat. Suddenly, I knew. He had drug his hand across my heartstrings and played every chord, the old letter, the love, his faith. He needed me, but I needed him, too. I also needed to let God back into my heart. I closed my eyes and silently sent up the first prayer I’d said in years. “Forgive me,” I began.

As I let go of my apprehensions and second thoughts, I pulled alongside the Pontiac. I put my hand up to my lips and blew him a kiss. When I wasn’t looking, love had found me. Another, higher love filled my heart, too. Gary’s gentle spirit had awakened something else I’d lost. I put my foot on the accelerator and left him standing there, grinning.

****

I pulled onto the tree-lined street and parked the old truck in front of the Wright home. Gary quickly followed and pulled the Pontiac into the driveway. We walked to meet each other in the middle of the lawn. Gary’s parents sat on the porch during our absence. We’d been gone less than fifteen minutes but my life had changed by decades. While his parent’s beamed their approval from their wicker swing, he put his arms around me and we tenderly kissed.

Gary suggested, “Shall we go to dinner?”

“It will have to be somewhere casual. I don’t have the right clothes for anywhere too fancy. However, if you take me back to the motel and give me an hour or so, I can be a little more presentable.”

A few minutes later, Gary dropped me off at the motel and I dashed in to change. I didn’t have time to see Clay and the girls but called them instead.

While I attempted to undress, I called their room. “Mel. It’s me. Gary and I are going to dinner tonight. You guys will be okay without me, won’t you?” I didn’t want to leave it open where they just might invite themselves along.

“We’ll be fine. Susan’s pretty tired.” Mel stifled a yawn herself. “We’ll rest up for tomorrow. It should be interesting.”