Always (9 page)

When the phone rang, she hoped it would be Brandon, but was sure it was her mother.

“Hello, Mommy?”

“Hey, sweetheart, how you doing? I bet you scared to death in all this lightning, huh?”

Closing her eyes as she flinched with every white flash across the ominous skies, Cheryl whispered, “No, Brandon's here tonight.” With him out in the weather and her not knowing what would happen in the election for some time, she was not in the mood to explain to her mother why he'd left.

“Well, that's good. Did he take off to watch the election results with you?”

“Yeah. He worked hard down at the campaign headquarters making phone calls last week, and his commander told him he could have the night off.”

“Henry's gonna win, you know. I had a dream last night about him, running water and those white doves. You know what that means. I saw him on TV dancing with that pretty wife of his too.”

Lying back on her pillows while staring into the lightbulb above until she saw blue spots, Cheryl said, “Yeah, Mommy, I know what the doves mean.”

“I always did like him. He was such a nice boy. He never called too late or anything and was always so mannerly, unlike that mannish behind Darius. Did you ever tell Henry I wanted a new pair of shoes to replace the ones his big ole feet messed up that day in my closest?”

“Yeah, I did. He thought that was cute.”

“I don't know why I need 'um now with both my legs cut off. You know, he's a good-looking thing too. I saw in
The Globe
where he was seeing that girl Nia Long on the side. You heard anything like that?”

“No, Mommy, but I doubt it's true. She's too young for Henry.”

“That's what I'm saying. Henry ain't that kinda boy. I'm just glad he got him a cute little wife and I'm glad he didn't marry a white girl. Ain't she black? Black as soot and pretty as a picture with them big ole baby-doll eyes. You know, I don't believe all this mess about pictures of her doing something either. If they had some pictures, they'd of shown them by now. No-sir-ee-bob. I believe them ‘publicans behind
this to set him up 'cause they know he gonna win. Everybody I know voting for him. And even if I saw a picture, I wouldn't believe it. I saw on
Inside Edition
how they sometimes take a picture and change it around like in the movie
Forrest Gump
. You know that man never seen all them people before, like Kennedy and Nixon and—.”

“Yeah. Mommy, did you ever try on that new prosthesis to see if it fit?”

“Child, I'm too old for that. I don't know why they don't just leave me alone. I can't get round here at my age and try to walk again. I told them in therapy that they were wasting their time. If the good Lord wanted me to walk, he wouldn't have taken my legs. Now, that's that.”

“Yes, ma'am.”

CHERYL

I remember '73 like it was yesterday.

After I left Miami, I moved to Arkansas to help out my sick aunt. Six months later, Darius moved up right after I had the baby. She was a beautiful eight pounds and six ounces, and I named her Sarah Ruth, after my mother. She was born on Halloween eve '71.

I admit, it was hard at first because Darius initially thought I was going to let him live with me and my aunt. So when I let him know he couldn't live there, he found a job, but he didn't keep it very long and then it was in and out of jobs, it seemed, every two or three months. That is, until he got sick.

Darius and I met in my cooking class. He was very popular with all the girls, which really meant little to me. He started coming on strong, which shocked me since he and everybody else knew about Henry and me. I mean, we were together almost all the time before, during, and after school. But one day Darius asked if he could help me with my books and walk me to algebra. Looking back, I should have said no, but I really didn't think too much of it.

There was this party at my friend Penny's house. She
asked me to help her do things like move the couch into the kitchen, screw in the blue light bulbs and the other stuff upstairs. Now, Penny was a big-boned girl, but she always had a lot of boyfriends. It was the way she carried herself, and everybody in the projects knew if she had a party, it was going to be the haps. So the day before the party I mentioned it to Henry, and he said he Would
try
to make it. He had just got that powder blue 1960-something Mustang, but he was also working on this major project for student government. In the back of my mind I was afraid he was possibly cheating on me because I heard David once say to him, “With a car like this, Stang, I'd be pulling women like a blind dentist pull teeth.” But I tried to ignore those thoughts because I knew how Henry was when it came to school politics.

The night of the party, everyone showed up. I even saw Henry's best friend David walk past our apartment headed to Penny's, but there was no sign of Henry. I wanted to call his house, but his dad never liked it when I called after six, so I waited by the phone for his call, and it never came. The party started at ten o'clock, and by twelve the phone had not rung once. I could hear the party bounce off the sidewalk right up to my door, but I did not want to go without Henry. My favorite song was James Brown's
I'm Black and I'm Proud
and since I was home alone I did the jerk, swim, and monkey all alone. I knew the party would get wild and I've always had this thing about strange guys grabbing me, so going alone was not an option. After all, I didn't want to dance or even talk to anyone else but my Henry. Although it was midnight, I gave him another hour because I knew the party would not stop until at least two or three. But it was no show.

I gave up and started to undress for bed when who knocks on my door? Darius Kingsley.

I had no idea he even knew where I lived. Turns out, he asked Penny, and Penny asked him to do her a favor and come get me.

By this time I had already pulled off my stockings and
was two snaps from rolling up the hair and getting something to eat, but he really looked good.

Mentally, Darius's belt, as my momma used to say, didn't make it through all of his loops, but he always smelled good. Henry never was the cologne-and-hand-cream pretty-boy type. But Darius was. He had his nails manicured and painted with clear coat when most guys were wearing leather gloves and flashing Black Power fists. He was wearing this auburn mohair sweater and wore no shirt underneath, and I noticed he had his name tattooed over his heart. In the early seventies, I didn't know any boys who had tattoos. His name was branded on his chest in Gothic lettering just like a marine, and it was a turn-on. He had a 'fro like Linc from
The Mod Squad
and he was working on a little mustache action as well. Darius was not as tall as Henry, nor as cute, and I really considered him to be what we used to call a friend-in-law, because he and Henry were buddies on the football team. I just took his flirting as fun and games.

Well, I went to the party and before Penny could warn me, I drank about eight glasses of spiked punch on an empty stomach. Marijuna was thick in the apartment and the smoke mixed with the black light made the air cobalt blue. It was my first time drinking alcohol, not counting the little corners I would suck out of my daddy's shot glass when he asked me to put it in the sink. I had not eaten since Henry and I ate lunch together, and the room started to move. It wasn't spinning. It moved up and down as if I was hopping. Next thing I know, I was headed upstairs feeling nauseous, with Darius holding my elbow to balance me.

That is how I lost something I treasured so much and saved only for Henry. On the floor in a bathroom. I don't remember lying down on the tile, but I remember the sounds that were made. I remember him trying to find where it was and then pounding inside of it over and over again. As he grunted I refused to make a sound and wondered how this could feel good to anyone. I recall squeezing my eyes closed so tightly I no longer saw black, but colors moving in my head. And I remember him kissing my shoulders over and over again, then he would just lick my shoulders,
and I had no idea why he was doing that, but long after he left, I could smell his rancid breath on me. When he got up, I was sober. In the darkness I watched him stand up, tuck himself in, zip his pants, and walk out, proud of himself. He never said a word to me, as I laid there on the floor with my panties draped around one ankle and legs spread. The person who came to my apartment and talked about how lonely he was after breaking up with his girlfriend was not the guy who got off me. Even his face looked different. Especially his eyes. The passion, the kindness, the friendship he displayed was gone. He walked away after looking at me as if I was not even human, just a thing he'd been with.

I curled up in the fetal position and knew in my heart I had committed the ultimate mistake that I could never correct and had nothing else left to offer Henry Davis. I felt as if I were not even worthy to be with him. Then I heard Darius call David and I knew soon everyone would know. On top of that, I found out firsthand that once was enough, and so I decided to move to Arkansas instead of facing the shame in Miami.

In May of '73 we were headed back home to south Florida for a visit. I was tired of feeling ashamed of my mistake and felt I had served my sentence. The halfway point for refueling was—where else—Tallahassee, Florida. If I told him once, I told him a hundred times, “Darius, we can make it to Lake City on this tank. Let's not stop here. It's too busy in Tallahassee.” Although I think he knew why I did not want to stop, he stopped anyway. I mean what were the odds of running into Henry? So we stopped, I stayed in the car, and put on my shades and the guy filled the tank and checked the oil.

Henry and I always said we had a connection that went beyond the physical. Meaning if he was in trouble, I could feel it, and vice versa. Sometimes it felt we were twins who conversed through telepathy, often wearing the same colors, liking the same food and even finishing each other's thoughts. If he was worried about a test or if I had problems
at home, we each just knew. For us, words were irrelevant. For some reason, I just knew Henry saw me when we were in Tallahassee. We didn't even drive near the campus, but in my heart of hearts, I knew. I could feel him looking at me. Maybe he passed by in a car or maybe he was walking and just caught a glance, but this feeling was too strong to ignore. When we finally passed the Leaving Leon County sign, I felt a sense of relief that I never remember feeling before.

It had been two years since we had seen or heard from each other. I often wondered how close he had come to making his dreams a reality. Was he majoring in prelaw? Did he pledge Kappa? Did he ever run for a student government office while at FAMU? Once I called and asked a student assistant if she knew Henry, but she had a few stray loops also, so I didn't find out much.

As we drove away from Tallahassee, Darius put his soft hand on my knee. It felt consoling in a way. He worked hard after he found a decent job. Sometimes thirteen-hour shifts five days a week. There was never anything I wanted that he did not provide for me or Sarah. After the incident with Henry, Darius was suspended. The coach knew he did not have college potential, so he didn't stick his neck out for him, and Darius just never went back to school again. I think the only reason he played sports is because it was the only place he was treated equally, where he didn't feel like he was a stupid special education student. When coach turned his back on him, he saw no reason to return. His class graduated one month later, but by that time he was working at a burger joint and sending me half his check each month to put into a savings account for the baby.

“I'm hungry,” I said as we passed a restaurant.

“Okay. You want sum Kentucky Fried or a ham'buga?” And then for some reason he looked at me and smiled.

“Whatever. You decide, honey,” I said, and leaned back and smiled at him. At times he could look so adorable when he smiled. No, Darius was no Henry but he was a good man. A decent hard-working man. The way fate brought
him to me was forgettable, but he was now a part of me, and it felt good to be a part of someone else.

So he did this U-turn in the road in Lake City and we headed back to the fried-chicken restaurant. By this point Sarah was getting a little restless from the ride, and when he stopped and got out of the car, I reached in the backseat for her blanket and walked around the parking lot with her. It seemed this child was getting heavier by the minute. And as I turned back and headed toward the car, I looked across the street and there was a powder blue, 1960-something Mustang with the blinkers flashing. He stood in front of it watching me. He did not look angry or upset or surprised. He just looked at me. Like the first time he looked at me, in Sears.

I almost lost it, I kid you not. At first I thought it was a ghost until I realized no ghost could look so good. He looked like he was still playing football, because he had lost some weight. He was wearing an Afro as well as horn-rimmed glasses from all that reading I was sure he was doing. For some reason it looked like he was wearing a janitor's uniform, and that didn't make sense to me. He then broke his stare and looked both ways for traffic as if he was going to come across the street. When there was a break in the cars he looked back at me as Darius came out of the restaurant. When I heard Darius, I literally jumped off the ground.

“You all right, gal?” he asked more countrified than ever. I said nothing. “I got everything you jew'sly eat. Let's go, and don't be greedy. You know how you is.” And then he got in the car, grinning what then looked like the most stupid shit-eating,
Hee-Haw
country grin I had ever seen in my life. I looked back across the road as Sarah started crying, and God knows for a split second I wanted to run across that street and beg him to forgive me, if he had it in his heart to do so. I wanted to explain what had happened and how I wanted to be with him and how not an hour had passed, since the day I left, that he was not in my heart. I wanted to say whatever I could to make him love me, touch me, hold and understand me like he did before.