Always and Forever (48 page)

Then she saw Louise, and whatever ache had surfaced in her heart for Alex was multiplied by ten at the sight of Louise, because she looked radiant. Not for her the pregnant-woman-in-a-circus-tent look. No. Louise looked like an advert for a pregnancy clothes shop, a designer one. Her long hair was lustrous and dark, caught up in the sort of careless knot that Daisy had never quite managed to achieve herself. Her dress was a stunning crimson wrap that highlighted her swol en bel y. Diane Von Furstenberg, Daisy was sure.

She looked like a fertility goddess or an exotic beauty who’d have poems dedicated to her and artists fighting to paint her. She looked ripely pregnant and utterly happy.

Despite al the weight she’d put on, Daisy felt like a shrivel ed-up old prune by comparison. Louise had it al .

Everything. She had Alex, and soon she’d have a baby.

Daisy had nothing and no one, and it was probably al her own fault.

The bridal march started and Daisy watched as Louise clutched Alex’s sleeve excitedly. The gossiping crowd got to their feet as one and turned back to look at the bride.

From her vantage point, Daisy couldn’t see her, but she was pretty sure that Michel e, who was endlessly stylish, would not have gone for the big meringue effect. As she waited for Michel e to come into view, Daisy watched the congregation watching the bride walk down the aisle, violins playing romantical y in the background. There was no big gap around Louise or Alex, a space signal ing anybody disapproved of their relationship and how he had dumped Daisy. No, nobody seemed to have noticed the fact that Daisy wasn’t there at al . Daisy and Louise were interchangeable. One girlfriend was much like another, except that the new one was pregnant and the old one hadn’t been able to get pregnant.

The grief rose again inside her. She might never have a child, never. The pain of it was physical. She had to get out of here. She moved towards the side aisle, and in that instant, somebody from the congregation swivel ed in her direction. Oh God, it was Alex’s friend Jem … Jemmie …

something like that. He had seen her. In an agony of embarrassment, Daisy looked for the first place she could hide. Maybe he hadn’t real y seen her, maybe al he had seen was a big woman in a raincoat and a stupid hat pul ed low. The pew was right beside one of the church’s confessional boxes and she ducked inside, pul ing the door shut after her. The scent of elderly velvet curtains and lovingly applied wood polish assailed her nostrils. It was a smel she hadn’t smel ed for a very long time.

‘Oh God,’ groaned Daisy out loud, feeling safe. ‘Hope he didn’t see me. Why do these things always happen to me?’

‘Sorry? Could you speak up?’ said a wheezy old voice. ‘Oh God,’ she muttered again under her breath.

The gril e between the two parts of the confessional box slid open and a frail white-haired old priest, who had obviously been seeking refuge there to say his prayers, peered at her. ‘I’m afraid confession’s over,’ he said kindly.

‘Oh, yeah, that’s fine, I didn’t come in here for that,’

stammered Daisy.

‘But if you are in need, my dear …’ the priest went on.

Daisy knew she must look dreadful, with her miserable face and eyes brimming with tears. ‘Wel , I am sort of in need, but not necessarily in need of confession,’ Daisy said. No, that sounded wrong. ‘I mean I haven’t been to confession for ages, although …’

‘You thought you might try to come back to the Church?’

volunteered the priest, sweetly.

‘That wasn’t it either, real y,’ Daisy said, reaching into her pocket to see if there was a long-lost tissue shrivel ed up there. She pul ed out a scrap of kitchen towel. It would do.

‘We listen too, you know,’ said the priest. ‘You can have a talk, if there is something troubling you. We don’t dispatch people to say ten decades of the Rosary any more. We’ve moved on.’

Daisy kneeled down on the soft kneeler, worn by countless knees. ‘A talk would be nice,’ she said politely, wiping her eyes and her nose with the kitchen rol . It would seem rude to rush off since she’d disturbed him, and it was quite nice talking to someone who didn’t know the facts either way.

‘I’ve made a bit of a mess of things, Father,’ she said.

‘That’s what life’s al about,’ he said. ‘But you can get back on the right path you know, just hand it over to God.’ That sounded very simple to Daisy. Simple and a bit unrealistic.

Handing it over to God. Where had God been when Alex had run off with Louise, leaving Daisy in the lurch? ‘I’ve never found that worked,’ she said apologetical y. ‘You didn’t have faith in it,’ he said earnestly. ‘Faith is the key.

God wil take care of things in His own time. We don’t know what He has planned for us, you see.’ It was a bit like the one about the master appearing when the student is ready, she thought with a shock. Buddhism and Catholicism were conspiring together to put her in a spiritual place where she went with the flow. What the heck, she thought. Some of them must be right. She might just give it a try.

‘Thank you, Father,’ she said, getting up. ‘It was lovely talking to you and I’m sorry I disturbed you.’

‘You can always come back if you want us,’ he said. ‘We’re always here. The church is always open.’

‘Yes, thanks,’ said Daisy automatical y.

‘No,’ he said again and, looking through the gril e, Daisy realised that he was very old because his bald skul was a fragile shel with a couple of tufts of white hair at his ears.

‘We’re always here. Lots of things and lots of people go away, but God doesn’t.’

When Daisy peered out into the church again, she could see the entire congregation was engrossed in the wedding ceremony, which meant that she could sneak down the back of the church and out. Once out of the church, she raced down the drive to her car and sped off before she met any late guests rushing in. She was glad she’d gone. A moment ago she thought she had been stupid because she had nearly been caught, but now, since meeting that lovely old man, it seemed like the right thing to do. She had seen Alex and Louise, looking gloriously happy and together, with al their old friends, and the world hadn’t changed, and thunder clouds hadn’t rol ed over the church. Life had moved on for everyone except Daisy, and she had to accept it, no matter how painful. There was no going back, only moving forward.

Three days after the wedding, Louise gave birth to a baby boy. Claudia phoned Daisy to tel her.

‘I didn’t want you to hear it by accident. There’s nothing worse than everyone not tel ing you the important news.’

From her apartment window, Daisy could see the River Tul ow below where a couple of canoeists were paddling downstream. They wore bright yel ow waterproofs, and didn’t look very experienced as they kept bumping into each other. They were laughing - carefree and happy.

‘Thanks, Claudia,’ Daisy said, turning away from the river and the view of Carrickwel . ‘Thanks for tel ing me. What’s the baby cal ed?’ She didn’t need to torture herself with this, but she had to know.

‘Daragh.’

‘Daragh.’ Daisy said the name aloud. It was a good name, strong and memorable. Daragh was a person now, not just the catalyst for breaking up her and Alex. It would be easier to think of Daragh as a person who was also caught in the middle of this. It wasn’t his fault Daisy had suffered because of his conception.

‘How are you?’ Claudia asked awkwardly.

‘Not too bad,’ Daisy said. And that was the truth. She’d been expecting to hear that Louise had the baby sometime.

So she was as ready for it as she could be. Leah’s daily phone cal s and Daisy’s own determination to be brave had helped. She had a future, she had hope. If Leah could be positive after al she’d been through, then Daisy wouldn’t be much of a human being if she couldn’t hold her head high, stick her chin out and get on with her life.

Daragh had a new life stretching before him too. Daisy would not be a bitch and send bad karma into the world by feeling angry at this child’s birth. The sweet elderly priest and the Buddhist master would approve of this sentiment, she thought. ‘I’ve nearly bought a new home,’ she told Claudia now. ‘It’s a cottage out near where my mother lives.

It’s smal , sweet and it’s lovely. Needs redecorating, but I love a project. I’m going to make it al feminine and olde worlde. Alex was so into the whole modern, minimalist look and, you know, that’s not me.’ ‘I never thought it was,’ said Claudia. ‘Your apartment was like a show house.’

‘Alex was always straightening things on the coffee table,’

Daisy admitted. ‘Al the magazines had to be at exact right angles to the edge of the table or he’d get irritated.’ ‘Oh yes,’ said Claudia. ‘It drove me nuts to watch him. It was obsessive compulsive disorder or something.’ She laughed again.

It was fun to be able to laugh about Alex and not want to die at the mention of his name, Daisy reflected. That was definitely progress.

‘I’m going off on another buying trip as wel - to Milan at the end of the month for spring/summer next year.’

‘That sounds wonderful,’ sighed Claudia, who was bored by] her job. ‘I hope so,’ Daisy said. ‘I’ve only been to Milan once before,! and it’s incredible. I’m real y looking forward to it. Then I’m ] going to the Paris and London pret shows.’

‘Do you fancy going out some night next week?’ Claudia asked. ‘Nothing coupley,’ she added hastily.

‘I can cope with couples, actual y,’ Daisy said, ‘just as long as they’re not Alex and Louise.’

‘Oh, of course not,’ gasped Claudia. ‘I wouldn’t dream of it.

No, this is just a few old friends of mine and Andrew’s. We thought you’d like it.’

‘As long as you’re not setting me up with anyone,’ Daisy said.

‘Wel …’ said Claudia, ‘there is this guy who works with Andrew and he’s real y nice. He’s had a bit of a bad run, but you’d love him, he’s so sweet.’ ‘Claudia,’ warned Daisy, ‘do not try and set me up with guys, please. I’d love to come out with you, but as long as this sweet col eague of Andrew’s realises that I am not in the market place, right?’

‘Right,’ said Claudia, ‘it’s just that we thought it would be nice for you to be dating again.’ Daisy thought how she’d missed Alex’s arms around her, the presence of another human being in her life, someone to cuddle up to in bed, someone to open jars of pasta sauce when they seemed welded shut. It was the little things you noticed most. Yet wanting another presence in her life was not a good enough reason to throw herself back into the man-market again. What was it Leah had said the other day: ‘You’ve got to heal yourself, Daisy. There’s no point relying on anybody else to do it. Otherwise you’re putting a dressing over a big wound and it’l never get better.’

‘Claudia, I’m enjoying being single,’ she said firmly. ‘I can do what I want, when I want. I can decorate my new home in floral and fril y things and al sorts of stuff that Alex would have hated. I can be me. And that’s what I need right now.

Not a guy. So thanks, but no thanks.’

‘Wow,’ said Claudia. ‘I real y admire you, Daisy, the way you’ve turned everything around and dealt with it al . I don’t know if I’d have been able to do it if Andrew had left me and gone off with someone else.’

‘Wel , he wouldn’t have, would he?’ Daisy said quietly.

‘Andrew loves you. That was the problem: Alex didn’t real y love me. I was his stop-gap until he found The One.’

‘He didn’t say that, did he?’ asked Claudia, disgusted.

‘Yes. It seems Louise is The One and I was the Wil Do For Now one.’ It stil hurt, but not quite as much. You could get over the pain, Daisy had discovered, you just had to get up every morning and keep going until it was time to go to sleep. ‘But you’l come out with us then, next week?’

Claudia asked. ‘Of course,’ Daisy said, ‘just no blind dates.’

Daisy dropped into Cloud’s Hil on her way back from another viewing of the cottage the fol owing day.

Leah was out walking and wasn’t expected back, but Cleo was thril ed to see Daisy. She’d looked so sad and untogether when they’d met first, but now Daisy had a glow about her. She was beautiful y dressed too. Initial y, Daisy had seemed to wear nothing but huge baggy tracksuits that did nothing for her. Now she looked both fashionable and miles more self-confident in a honey-gold sweater and faded denims with a silky scarf wrapped round her neck, her strawberry-blonde hair tumbling around her shoulders.

Proof that Cloud’s Hil and Leah could work magic, Cleo thought.

She probably looked a lot different too, she reflected. She felt so much happier now that she’d come to terms with everything that had gone wrong. Unhappiness left its mark on your face. Now when Cleo looked into the mirror, she saw a woman who didn’t have the weight of the world on her slim shoulders.

‘Can I cadge a lift into Carrickwel with you?’ she asked Daisy. ‘I’m biting the bul et and going to see my brother Barn. He always had Tuesday afternoons off, so I’m going to drop unannounced so he won’t have time to concoct a story about! why he and Jason left me to stew in my own juice. The brats.’ The drive was not long enough for al the fil ing-in the two

women had to do, but final y, both of them were up to date with each other’s stories.

‘When are you going to move into the cottage?’ Cleo asked as they drove through the town.

‘A couple of weeks, I hope. Keep your fingers crossed that

? nothing goes wrong.’

Daisy parked at the end of the road where Sondra and Barney lived. ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to go in with you?’ she asked. ‘I don’t mind. It’s nice to have a friend along when you’re doing something scary.’ She knew that Cleo had mixed emotions about visiting her brother and his wife for the first time in months.

Daisy thought Cleo was being very brave. She was natural y furious at how her brothers had conspired to keep her away from her making up with her parents, but Daisy could see she was nervous about her reception too.

‘I know a lot of it’s my fault for being childish,’ Cleo said,

‘but Barney and Jason are just as bad. I hope they didn’t not get in touch because they were being childish too. You know, like when we were kids and we fought, Barney could go ages without speaking to me. I never lasted more than fifteen minutes. I’m a bit scared that it’s more than that, though - that Barney and Jason real y don’t want me in their lives any more.’ What if everything was different and the family she’d grown up with had been irreparably hurt by the rift? A squabble that had escalated she could handle: a family rift with no end in sight would break her heart now that she’d decided to make things up to them al .