AM13 Outbreak Series (Book 2): Forgotten (19 page)
DR. JONES
April 8
th
5:15 a.m.
I can’t even cope with all of the violent thoughts swirling around in my head anymore. It’s wearing me out, tearing me down.
How am I supposed to sit there and see my wife going through all of this, knowing that her last uninfected hours were full of torture and abuse? I’ve never thrown up so many times; horrific images just keep spinning through my mind, however much I try to stop them. I can just see everything they’ve done to her. I wish I had some brandy or something. Some alcohol to numb the pain. I’ve never been a drinker, but now feels like as good a time as any to hit the bottle.
I keep trying to kill Ashley, to put her out of her misery, but I’m too scared
—
still too in love with her. I can’t do it. I need to, I should do. It’s how any decent man would act, but I’m too afraid. As much as I know that there’s nothing left, I can’t let her go. I’m letting my wife down yet again.
There’s no cure, no antidote for AM13. If someone created this disease, then well-fucking-done. What an amazing job you’ve done, you wanker. My mission was futile from the start. I had no chance; I was battling against something that’s indestructible, except by natural causes. If only the board had seen that, rather than punishing me for being unable to do the impossible.
I keep thinking it through over and over and I don’t know if Ashley would even want to ‘be cured’ from this after what she’s been through, and I don’t just mean the extensive damage to her body. I mean with the memories of all of the shit they’ve put her through. Oh God, my poor Ashley, who never did anything bad to anyone. She’s been through things that no woman, no human deserves. How can people be so disgusting? How can people do such things? I’ve never ever understood evil.
I keep trying to think back over our happier times, but each memory is tainted with this version of my wife. It’s as if I can’t even remember what she was like before. They’ve ruined everything. Everything. They’ve stripped me of my whole life, and for what? It hasn’t done any good. I can’t solve the unsolvable, whatever they do to me. I’m sure they have more up their sleeves but it doesn’t change a damn thing.
The fucking horrible bastards.
They’ve belittled, controlled, brutalised and demoralised the people who’ve managed to survive the horrors of AM13 and the Lockdown failure. Hasn’t the human race been through enough? Apparently
I
haven’t. It seems they think I deserved to see my beloved in this condition. How? Why? This isn’t right. It isn’t. No.
I’m done. This is over now. They’re going to pay. In fact, I’m going to kill them all, slowly and painfully. For myself, for Ashley, for Melody, for everyone that’s left alive. We don’t need to be ruled by these men. After all the horrid things we’ve been through, things don’t want to be rebuilt under the rulings of psychopaths. No, we need a civilised way to rebuild. It needs to be done with kind hands, not this fucking crap that they seem to think is the way forward. It’s very simple. They need to die.
I’m going to fucking kill every single one of them!
Read this promise now. Every single one of them will die by my hands.
8:45 p.m.
I’ve told Jason what I’m going to do. He told me to sleep on the idea before acting irrationally. I respect him; I always have, so I agreed. He may be right. I’ve never been like this before, maybe there is a better way? Do they deserve better? Do I? I’ll have to live with what I’ve done. Or will I? I lay on my bed all day, unable to sleep. However, I think I’ve managed to calm down. Bursts of rage keep making their appearance, but my thoughts are much more rational and controlled. This time I know my thoughts are correct.
Do you know what? I’m still going to do it. Nothing will stop me. I know what’s right and wrong. Rape, murder, torture and forcing infection on someone deserves death. I’m sure there is no one who would disagree with that conclusion. Even if I am biased because of my family’s involvement, I still think I would be considered to be doing the right thing.
On hearing my decision, Jason decided it was time to tell me more tales of the mistreatment he knows about, happening in the campsite outside. It seems rape is actually a very common factor, murder is normal, and he heard many rumours of the people in charge keeping infected in cages outside on the outskirts of the campsite, as a warning, as a permanent threat. He took little notice at the time, but now after everything he’s seen, he thinks it makes total sense. It’s how the random flare-ups of AM13 keep developing, and it isn’t exactly as if the board members are rational thinking, decent human beings. In fact, now he’s sure that many of the people that have been infected have been so on purpose as punishment or their children have suffered AM13 in their place.
That tells me why I’ve been able to obtain so many specimens. It also explains how new people have been becoming infected in this supposed ‘safe haven.’ Everything about it is starting to come together. The psychopaths have been using this virus as a weapon. That’s so messed up, it’s ludicrous, ridiculous. It’s just unbelievable.
I can’t stop thinking about Melody, my little angel. I’m convinced that she’s infected as much as my poor heart wants to be wrong. She’s probably being kept in a cage, being used to infect others. I don’t
know
if it’s true, but my instincts tell me that nothing good has happened. I guess I’ve lost all hope.
With Jason on my side, we’re both going to kill them all. I finally feel happy again. No, not happy. I’ll never be happy again. I feel empowered. I know I’m going to win this battle, I’m going to help.
I’ll be useful.
I’m going to make these murders my best work yet. Fuck everything else I’ve tried to achieve. This is it. My crowning glory. The one thing that I’m remembered for. My job that changes everything for the better. I’m going to save the world.
Fuck you, so called
board members
. I will win this. I’ll win and you will die!
I’m doing this for myself, but also for everyone else. Does that make this mission noble or just a revenge fantasy? Who cares, by this point I’m probably insane. At least, I wish I was. I wouldn’t feel so deeply.
ALYSSA
Until it isn’t.
Things are no longer fantastic. In fact, they’re awful; I can’t even begin to describe how bad it’s all become.
Randy is dead. Dead. He’s died and I no longer have any idea what to do with myself. I can’t actually believe it. I can’t even say the words out loud. Randy, the glue that held this group together, is just…gone. At first I thought he’d been bitten, that maybe one of the zombies had gotten him through the fence. I panicked that somehow one of them had made their way inside. But I was wrong, very wrong.
Only days before, Randy had finally confided in Sarah that he’d been suffering with a rare heart condition for a very long time, and that he was beginning to struggle without his medication. I want to scream, to cry out. Why didn’t he mention it during the time we were out on supply runs, we could have picked up the tablets for him. Of course we would have, gathering medication was
his
idea. But it’s too late now. What difference is saying all of that going to bring to this circumstance? Nothing. It’s gone too far, the damage is already done.
Why didn’t I notice him becoming ill? Has my obsession with looking out for E made me unable to see anything else? Was I so determined to believe that everything was amazing, that my brain didn’t allow me to witness a terrible event occurring? I thought I’d gotten past the stage of deluding myself. Obviously I’m not as grown up as I want to be.
Leon is inconsolable—we all are, of course—but it’s hit him particularly hard. I’m sure he lost his mother to the zombies earlier on in the apocalypse. No one has ever said it, but I could sense it when I first joined the group. I was always going to ask, but never got around to it. Now I’ll never know and even worse, Leon has been left alone. What a wasted life. After all that Randy’s survived, all that we’ve been through together, and now he’s been taken by another illness entirely. One that I’m sure we could have helped manage if only we’d known about it.
I’ve been sitting on my bed in silence, staring at the same spot on the wall ever since I found out about it this morning. Sarah found his corpse, and woke us all up in a screaming panic. She’s still hysterical. I don’t think anyone can calm her down, I’m unsure if she’ll ever recover, to be honest. All of us are going to be so badly affected by the loss of Randy; he was so integral to our survival.
The tears finally begin cascading down my cheeks, the numbness finally giving into emotion. Suddenly I feel a pair of soft arms slowly making their way around my neck. Emily. She always seems to arrive at exactly the right moment. I nestle into her, leaning all of my body against her, soaking up her body heat. I try to speak through the sobs, but my words are stilted and jumbled. I’m trying to convey that I can’t go on anymore, that I want to stop this nightmare. That everything has become too much for me. Any confidence I ever had in myself was always misplaced. I used it to mask the pain. Now I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m done.
Before I even realise it, before I can even think, her lips are crashing down on mine. I respond enthusiastically, ferociously kissing Emily back. I’m caught up in grief and I’m enjoying the feeling of giving myself entirely to someone. Her hands have become tangled up in my hair and I’m holding onto her cheek tenderly. This moment feels so right. Any weirdness I may have thought I was feeling was incorrect. I had my mind all mixed up, I wasn’t frightened about giving her the wrong impression, I
wanted
her. I didn’t want to push her away; I wanted to pull her in close. I want her so badly I could explode. Her soft lips feel amazing against mine, they fit perfectly. Her delicate tongue slips into my mouth and fireworks and butterflies burst in my stomach. I fall into her; I let this moment whisk me away. I melt, my heart falling in love.
Soon my brain kicks back into action, and I roughly shove Emily off me. I run off mumbling a pathetic apology as I do. Now I’m desperate to be alone, I need to get myself in order. I rush into one of the bathrooms, locking the door behind me. My body slumps to the floor as the weeping starts up again. I’m now crying for Randy, for Emily, and for myself. What have I done? Why did I let myself get carried away by the moment? My
one
rule was not to get involved with anyone during the zombie apocalypse, not to get too close. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, especially not Emily. I love her, I do. But I can’t love her in that way, can I? I’m not even a lesbian. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever been attracted to a girl before. What is going on?
I try to calm my mind. I need to think straight, I want to give myself a rational reason for the events that transpired, but I can’t. When we were kissing, I felt complete. I felt like the missing piece of my puzzle came together. I’ve never experienced feelings so powerful before, I’ve never been so attracted to anyone in my life. My heart is still racing with the adrenaline.
Is it real, or is it circumstantial? How do I figure that out? It really doesn’t matter either way, I can’t let it continue. I have to stop it before it becomes an issue.
I stay sitting on the cold tiled floor until a soft knock wakes me up from my stupor. I stand, shaking, wondering if it’s going to be Emily confronting me right away. I try to plan what I’m going to say but my thoughts are still scattered. It’s Sarah, she has organised a funeral for Randy. It won’t be anything over the top, just a simple way for us to say goodbye. She thinks it’ll be good for us all to pay our respects to such a wonderful man, and to remember how sacred death really is. It’s so easy to forget that in the zombie apocalypse.
As we say our final goodbyes, burying a great man, I don’t make eye contact with anyone. I feel even worse as I listen to everyone speak. How could I hurt Emily now, in such a terrible way? My whole face is soaking with tears. Randy was wonderful, he wasn’t the shambolic mess that I am. He deserved to live far more than I do. That’s the first time I’ve felt that way about someone, and all of a sudden I feel that way about absolutely everyone. I shouldn’t have survived this long; it isn’t fair on anyone else. I’m the one that should be in that shallow grave. A hollow hopelessness that I’ve experienced only once before consumes me all over again.
As soon as it’s over, I rush off and climb into bed. If I shut my eyes I know no one will bother me. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to think. I just want to be by myself with a blank mind. I need to shut the rest of the world out.
DR. JONES
April 12
th
9:45 a.m.
This is it. It’s time to act. The hour is upon us.
Jason is a genius. An evil genius that I’m so glad is on my side. He’s more brilliant than I ever gave him credit for. His mind is sick, twisted, almost gory. It’s exactly what I need to spur me on. He’s driving me forward, making this much easier to go through. Without him, I might have given up on my idea, I may have lost enthusiasm, but with the constant visual reminder of my poor Ashley, and Jason’s words, I’m ready. I know what I need to do and I will make it happen.
Jason was never like this in stage one, I wonder if it’s the AM13 virus raging inside him, desperate to spread itself that’s turned him into this messed up, sadistic bastard. To be honest, I don’t give a fuck why he’s like this, what is causing it. It’s absolutely perfect. I
need
him to be this way. We need each other to get this done.
I can barely stand to look at my wife anymore, it’s terrible. Ashley is in such a terrible way, it’s making me so sick. I have to keep watching her, to spur me forward, but I won’t pretend it isn’t the toughest thing that I’ve ever, ever done. She’s banging her detached arm against the door over and over. I’ve tried begging her to stop, pleading with her to remember me, showing her photographs, telling her about our life. Of course this does nothing. That part of her brain is gone. She no longer has any memories, I’m nothing to her. Now she just sees me as something to infect, or something to eat. I don’t recall what conclusion I reached in the end. None of it matters anyway; it makes no difference to the outcome of the victims. Nothing does. This virus, it’s a powerful one.
Jason came up with a brilliant plan. It’s fucking amazing! It’ll ensure that the bastards who did this to Ashley will suffer. Their deaths will be slow and painful, and they’ll get to experience what they have done to everyone else. I can’t wait to administer it upon them.
Jason will be in stage three soon
—
deep into it. This fact is inevitable. He’s already showing signs of waning, but as with the rest of his descent into AM13, it seems to be going slowly, allowing him to maintain some humanity. As much as my heart bleeds over his loss, it’s essential to the plan. It’s a shame that such a wonderful man has to be sacrificed, but it’s difficult to see it in that way when he will die anyway. Maybe he is more of a martyr? Who really knows, his death will ultimately be highly significant in ridding the world of this evil.
He’s going to tell me when it’s time. That point is pivotal. When he’s almost at the point of really losing himself, then we begin. Then I’m going to release him and Kevin Hall and ‘John Smith’
—
I desperately wish that I knew his name. It’s such a shame for an unnamed person to aid in the saving of all of these people, but I really have no information to go from…
When Jason’s ready, I’ll send them into the boardroom and let havoc ensue. They will tear the people in charge, the ones who have made all these shitty decisions, to shreds, infecting them as they go. Doing unto them as they have done unto everyone else. Giving them exactly what they deserve. However much could go wrong, this much will go right. These fuckers will get exactly what’s coming to them.
It means I’ll lose Jason, of course, but unfortunately that’s happening anyway. It’s sad to see his descent, it’s heart-wrenching, just as I knew it would be, but he’s quite upbeat and positive about it all now he knows he’s going to put his infected self to good use. He’s happy to help save the world. So am I, even if it isn’t in the way I originally had planned. But I suppose, in many ways, this is much, much better.
Of course I could die too, but I have nothing left to live for anyway, so I really don’t care. With no remaining family and a career in tatters, what’s left for me? What sort of life will I be able to lead post AM13
—
if there is a post AM13, of course. That all depends on how accurate my research really is! If I do manage to survive, I’ll do what I need to and put Ashley down. It’s a terrifying, horrifying thought, but I just know it’s what needs to be done.
Then, if I make it that far, I’ll go out and find Melody, do the same to her. My poor, beautiful little princess. I so want to believe that you’re alive, but my subconscious knows you’re gone. I can just feel that your wonderful spirit is no longer on this disgusting planet. You’re somewhere much more deserving of you. But your body needs to be let go too. I’ll be brave. I will do it. I’ll be the man, the husband, the father that I’m supposed to be. The man that I should have been during the whole time I was neglecting my responsibilities, putting more time and effort into my pointless job than my loving family. I can’t take back my decisions, but abandoning them after the Lockdown was the most God damn stupid thing I’ve ever done. Ever.
God, how I want to string all the boardroom fuckers up, cut them piece by piece. Make them watch as I remove their genitals, the disgusting members that defiled my wife. I would make them eat their own body parts, laugh as they’re violently sick. I would dislocate their limbs, as they’ve clearly done to others. Infect them with the vicious AM13 virus and pierce bullet holes into their bodies. Make them suffer a taste of their own medicine. Then I could parade them around as they deteriorate into a black, sludgy nothing. I’d enjoy everyone’s cheers as they see that I’ve saved them. As they witness what I’ve done to them to avenge what they’ve had done to others. It would be a great moment. I’d be hailed a hero; everyone would know I’d made them safe from the psychopathic dictators that have been driven mad by false power.
Well, soon they won’t be able to do that anymore. The pigs. The fucking disgusting twats. I hate them. There are no God damn words to describe how much I hate them.
I can’t do that of course. I fantasise over it repeatedly, but following through would be a whole different matter. I’m sure I would be caught by the soldiers as I act anyway, and overpowering all of the board members would provide another obstacle that would be challenging to overcome.
No. None of that matters, as fun as it would be. What we have is
so
much better.
I wish I could find all of the family members of these specimens, tell them exactly what they did, let them know that they helped save everyone. Make them proud. But of course I can’t. I won’t live that long. What use am I without my family? I’m nothing without them. I’ll be so glad to make it even that far, but I’m quite sure that I won’t. Really, this is my last hurrah!
Unless I find Melody. That will change everything.
As much as it would be poetic justice, I’ll keep Ashley here. I can’t put my beautiful wife through anymore. I won’t make her face her attackers again. Once the others have gone to carry out the deed, I will put her down. I may have been bitten by this point, but I can still do this. I can’t even begin to guarantee that the specimens won’t get to me. I’ll try of course, I’ll hide and Jason is going to move loudly, to keep the attention of the others on him, but who knows how foolproof that plan is. In fact, it isn’t foolproof at all. But it’s still amazing. It’s still the best damn thing to happen since I’ve been locked up in this nightmare. It’s still the best way I’m going to get revenge and we’re going to help all the civilians stuck here. It’s necessary and perfect for what needs to be done.
We’ve examined it from every single angle, we’ve worked out every single thing that could go wrong
—
and believe me, there’s a whole lot
—
but the end result will be effective. Even if all the board members aren’t killed, I’m pretty sure they’ll be running scared. It’ll show them that they aren’t invincible; it’ll let them know that someone is after them, coming for them. Even if I’m dead, it leads the way for others to take over the attack. It sends a message. We won’t take the bullshit ‘rules’ from nobodies lying down. The power of the many, of the people, is more powerful than them. AM13 has ripped up civilisation, it’s changed all of our lives for the worst. There has been so much that we haven’t been able to control, but who rebuilds our lives is in our hands. This is the time to establish what we want. I’m certain that I’m not the only one who can see this.
Revenge is going to be a dish served ice cold. I wish I could be around long enough to watch the life leave all of their revolting eyes, but doing my piece is enough. I’m going to be important in this; even in my death my name will be remembered. I’ve done so much; I’ve actually achieved quite a lot. It’s taking my impending doom for me to see it. My entire existence hasn’t been wasted, but this is it. This is what it’s all been building up for. This, right here, is my life’s purpose.
