Amazing Grace (28 page)

“I'll be on my best behaviour.”

“Fuck that! Forget everything and relax.”

A couple of town cars are at the airport to pick us up and drop us off at our luxury hotel, the Strand on West 37th Street. We have three suites that join together and I get such a kick out of the reactions of not only the Bailey crowd, but Fletcher and Nan too. Nobody can believe that this is how some people live.

My New York family meets my Maritime family in the lobby. Even Deanne, Andre, and baby Ryder are here, along with Jonathan, Whitney, Melissa, Juni, and my old pal Linn. There are sixteen of us in all. The entire chaotic scene gives me chills. After so many years of feeling alone in the world, this eclectic mix of people seems like a dream. They all belong to me in one way or another.

Jonathan takes us to a swanky restaurant, the type that has dribbles of food on the plate instead of a homemade meal. It costs him a fortune, so I don't tell him that we're all going back to the hotel to order pizza afterward.

Whitney looks wonderful. A little weight suits her, and it's obvious she and Jonathan are madly in love. I can't believe the difference in Jonathan. He's become his own man and laughs easily and often. And now that they've both moved on, there is no discomfort between him and Deanne. She is excited about Whitney's baby and can't wait for play dates with Ryder.

Jonathan takes me aside at one point after dinner and looks around to make sure no one is listening.

“Whitney wants to keep it a secret for now, but I want you to know that we're having a little boy and we plan on naming him Aaron James, after both our dads.”

Aaron's face swims in front of mine, the laughing boy who made my life bearable in Halifax so long ago. His funny, silly demeanour and protective presence. The tender love he gave my son.

I hug my boy close. “Thank you. Thank you.”

He kisses the top of my head.

And true to his word, Jonathan gets Trixie, Jiao, and the boys courtside seats to a Knicks game and even takes them back to the locker room to meet the players. He also insists on buying them Knicks jerseys. By the time they get back to the hotel, where Fletch, Nan, and I are babysitting Sunni, Jeremy and Nate are completely blissed out. They talk over each other describing their night.

Trixie's eyes sparkle as she hugs me good night. “Your son and my now favourite cousin, Jonathan, have made my boys happier than I've ever seen them. We will never forget this. Never.”

“It's just as much a thrill for us as it is for you. Jonathan never had a sibling and I know he missed that. To suddenly have a first cousin is amazing for him. He told me so.”

We spend the next day touring the city, but poor old Nan is completely at a loss with the noise and confusion of the traffic and begs off after only a few hours. Melissa and Juni become the tour guides as I go back to the hotel with Nan. Once she goes down for a nap, I take a minute to put my feet up and am just drifting off when I hear a light knock on my door.

It's Trixie.

“I came back as well. I can't keep up with those youngsters.”

“Is Fletcher still going strong?”

“He's leading the pack.”

“That makes me happy.”

“May I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure. I'll order some tea.”

We settle ourselves once the tea arrives with an assortment of sandwiches. Trixie is on her second cup before she begins.

“I've had a hard time sleeping lately.”

“All the excitement, I guess.”

“No. It's because of my mother. Ever since you told me about what happened to her, I've been feeling very guilty that I didn't make her life a little easier. I was a mouthy brat who spent most of my life hating her for her weakness and her drinking. Now I'm ashamed of that. It was easier to blame her and pretend that everything was her fault.”

“Are you sorry I told you? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.”

“No. The truth is always better. It's just more uncomfortable for me.”

“Listen, Trixie, you were a little girl who needed protection and your mother wasn't able to provide that. Of course you resented her; she wouldn't want you to beat yourself up about it now. When I was in her apartment I was so angry with her. I couldn't believe she let herself down like that, and it bothered me that I was furious with her, but the emotions were real and needed to be felt. That's all. Acknowledge it and let it go.”

“It's not easy.”

“I know.”

She looks out the window at the spectacular view. “I also want to tell you that I loved my husband. I know I said I couldn't forgive him for dying, but I didn't mean it. I just hated the world for taking him from me. Jesse was a good man, I never wanted anyone else.”

“I wish I'd known him.”

Her head goes down and her voice quivers. “It's all my fault that he died. I'm to blame.”

“I'm sure that's not true.”

“We were arguing about nothing, like you do when you're tired and the kids are underfoot. I told him to leave me alone, to go get some milk or something. That's why he was in that corner store. He saw a man start to beat his girlfriend and he intervened. If I'd just shut my mouth, he'd still be here.”

She struggles not to cry. I get out of my chair and sit beside her, taking her hands in my own. “I know exactly how you feel. I blamed myself for my husband's car accident as well. I know how it destroys you for a long time. It's a terrible burden and ultimately does nothing but cause pain. You didn't kill your husband any more than I did. Forgive yourself. Jesse would want you to. And think how proud he must be with the way you've raised his sons. You honour his memory every day being a strong mother. You are a wonderful person, Trixie. Even if your mother never said it, she knew it. Believe me.”

Now the strong and sassy Trixie does cry. I'm sure it's been many years, if ever, that she's let herself be vulnerable in front of anyone. I rub her back and stay beside her, just to let her know I'm here. Eventually her tears dry up and she wipes her eyes with the linen napkin that accompanied our lunch.

“Thanks,” she says.

“Any time. Why don't you have a hot bath? It's my cure all for everything.”

“Good idea.”

She hugs me before she leaves and I have to pinch myself once more that she is my sister's child. It feels like I'm hugging Maria too.

That night Jonathan, Whitney, Melissa, and Juni stay at the hotel, along with Whitney's relatives. The wedding is in the morning, beside the rooftop garden at the top of the Strand Hotel. There'll be brunch after.

We're all up early. Melissa has arranged for a stylist to come to the hotel and do our hair and makeup. I think Trixie is more excited about this than anything else. It's not often she gets to spend time doing girlie things. Jiao is also thrilled and it makes me happy to see them laugh together.

“So how is Eugene Yokohama?” I ask Juni.

She blushes. “We're just friends.”

“Tell her why,” Melissa smirks.

“No reason!”

“She likes Nate. Did you know that, Trixie? Juni likes your son!”

“Hush up, Melissa!”

“All the girls like Nate, so join the club.”

“Speaking about boys, any new ones on the horizon?” I ask Melissa.

“My career is too important. I don't want a creepy boy tying me down.”

“I'll remember you said that,” I laugh.

I help Nan get dressed in a pink suit I bought her in Baddeck. I also bought something new so Jonathan would be proud. The dress and jacket cost too much if you ask me, but I do look nice. Fletcher gives me a wolf-whistle.

“You are going to be prettier than the bride.”

“You are earning big brownie points for that, mister.”

“Good. I love seeing you look so happy.”

“Oh, I am. More than I deserve.”

“You deserve everything, Grace.”

“I don't deserve you.”

“Well, that's true.”

I whack his arm as we leave our room.

Whitney is breathtaking in her fitted lace gown, and Jonathan stands proudly as he takes her hand. It's a simple ceremony, over in ten minutes, and we all burst into applause as they kiss one another. Brunch for the forty or so guests is served swiftly and with great fanfare. Everything is delicious and Fletcher says he's off his diet today as he heads for the waffle bar.

About two hours later, it's all over, but later that night we get together to go to a Broadway show and then dinner at an Italian restaurant downtown. Linn is at the hotel babysitting Sunni, so it's a real date for Jeremy and Jiao, who spend the whole night holding hands.

And seemingly in the blink of an eye, it's over. We hug goodbye with promises of summer visits at the farmhouse and endless thanks for a fabulous time, all of us knowing that the next morning, we'll be back in our usual routine, but with memories to last forever.

When we fly into Fredericton, the boys give me bear hugs, and it's torture to say goodbye to our little Sunni. I'm mad about this kid.

Trixie holds onto me for a long time. We don't need words.

Back to Cape Breton, back to our humble abode, where a lot of pissed-off pets are ready to let us know that it was a pretty crummy trick leaving them behind. But they don't sulk for long. That's what's so awesome about animals. Too bad humans don't catch on.

Poor old Nan is tuckered out. “I can't imagine living in that city for more than a few days. It's like losing your breath in the rush. Thank God I live in the country. I'm never leaving again.”

Once more I head down to Harvey and Dora's with gifts for their kind babysitting duties. “I hope one day we'll be able to return the favour. You two should go on a cruise or something.”

“I'd love to go on a fishing trip to Scotland,” Harvey says.

“You would,” Dora grumps. “Why not Paris?”

“I can't speak French.”

“You're hopeless! One day I'm just going to leave and you won't know where I am!”

“Promise?”

We have a hard winter, lots of blowing snow and blizzard conditions. We're not used to it anymore. Our winters have been mild for a few years, the snow usually turning to rain. I've noticed the bad weather is getting Nan down. No one is travelling much on the roads, and she has no interest in venturing outside, so she's not seeing anyone. I mention it to Fletcher one night at supper.

“She's really down in the dumps. I wonder if I should take her to the doctor.”

“Everyone gets a little low in the winter. Do you think it's serious?”

“I'm not sure. I'm going to keep an eye on her.”

My afternoons consist of sitting with Nan doing my best to cheer her up, offering to play Scrabble or a game of Crazy Eights. She shakes her head listlessly. Not even Beulah makes her happy, and finally I make an appointment with her GP. She tells him she sometimes has chest pain.

Fletcher is upset. “Why didn't you say anything?”

“No sense in worrying you.”

The doctor sends her to a specialist, who diagnoses her as having congestive heart failure, brought on by coronary artery disease.

When we bring her home with her medication, she tosses it aside. “All these fancy terms. I'm ninety-three! I'm going to die of something. What difference does it make? If it's not this, it'll be something else.”

“Don't say that,” Fletcher says.

Nan looks at the both of us. “I'm tired. I love you both dearly, but I'm tired. All of my close friends are gone. All that's left is sitting in front of the television day after day. I hope and pray I die in my sleep. Promise me you won't moan and groan when I'm gone. I've lived longer than I had any right to. I've spent decades without my husband and daughter and son-in-law. I'd like to be with them now.”

Nan dies in her sleep two weeks later. Can someone wish themselves dead? Her heart was failing, but it was also breaking. I'm glad she's at peace.

We have a private funeral. I tell the family to stay where they are. Only Fletcher and I need to be there.

It's horrible coming home knowing the trailer next to us is empty. Beulah is also in a bad way. She knows something has happened and she spends her days looking out the window at the trailer. Sometimes I take her over to sit on Nan's couch for a few hours. It's good remembering how happy Nan was about moving up here on the hill. We shared some good times.

It's a strange feeling when your elder dies. It dawns on you that you are now the older generation. There are no more buffers between you and death. They say you get wiser as you get older, but I don't feel any wiser. More grateful, perhaps. It took more than six decades for me to grow into my own. A slow learner, but I did get there.

Nan's funeral makes me finally come to terms with burying my sister. I call Trixie and ask if she'd like to come on a weekend and be with me when I do. After she agrees I realize I've been holding my breath.

We wait until Easter. Nan's little trailer makes a perfect guesthouse, which we hadn't considered until now. Maybe everyone can come for the summer at the same time.

Only Trixie and Fletcher and I are at the burial. The minister says his prayers over the grave and it's done. Trixie doesn't cry, but I see her shoulders ease when the ceremony is over. I have the same reaction. A great weight has been lifted. One wish I've had since childhood is fulfilled. I know where my sister is and I can come and visit her whenever I want.

I take Trixie down to the farmhouse so she can see where her grandmother grew up.

“This is beautiful.” We walk down through the field towards the water. “Why would she want to leave here?”

“She was young. All youngsters want to explore the world.”

“I wonder what would have happened if she stayed? A nice normal life, instead of dragging you and my mother around, putting you both in harm's way.”