Amber Flame (The Flame Series Book 4) (23 page)

“But it’s not the right way to live and my being this way won’t solve anything.”

She chuckled softly, her voice slightly hoarse the way a wolf’s would be. “There’s nothing to solve.”

He stared at her. His heart ached with so many difficult realities hitting him at once. He glided his hands up her arms and caressed her shoulders. “You look beautiful in this lace.”

She smiled, then drew back from him enough to see all the way down to her feet. “With my purple nail polish, especially.” She even chuckled. He loved that about her, how she was lightening the moment.

“Sharon was unfaithful to me, but I never knew who the man was that killed her. Hell, maybe she’d taken up with dozens. For what I put her through, I could never blame her.”

“So, were you an alpha wolf for like a hundred years or something?”

He frowned at her. “What do you mean, because that doesn’t make sense? I’ve only been in the province fifteen years, but you know that.”

“I’m saying there’s nothing in your prior experience as a Sedona resort owner that could have prepared you for becoming an alpha wolf, especially during a deadly season of all-encompassing territorial war. Unless you’d lived in your role for decades, say perhaps with military experience in Afghanistan or Iraq, and had gone through the experience repeatedly, I don’t see how you could have known what or what not to do. But that’s just my opinion.”

“Is this your subtle way of telling me I’m being too hard on myself, because right now I think I’ve been foolish and even cruel.”

Mary glanced around the room slowly, floor-to-ceiling, side-to-side, then spoke in a strong voice. “Sharon, if you’re here, I’m sorry about what I’m going to say next.”

She then turned again to face Fergus. “Your wife was unfaithful to you, but that was her choice. Not every woman who’s dissatisfied with her marriage, even deeply unhappy, steps outside the bounds of her commitments. Only Sharon can be held accountable for the choices she made. In the case of her last lover, it got her killed. Life isn’t easy for any of us. You were learning how to serve as an alpha. It seems to me you either made a huge mistake with your wife or you’re not truly fit to be an alpha leader.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Fergus, I can feel even now that you’re not really with me. It’s as though there’s a thick steel door between us, and I’m not sure it can be breached by you or by me. You might be either an alpha or a husband, but it’s possible you can’t be both. It’s not a crime, Fergus, but it’s something you might want to think about.”

“Are you saying I should have stepped down for Sharon?”

“Or divorced her. Or sought outside counseling. Our
alter
world is so new, none of us truly knows how to live this life. I mean do you realize that you are my first romance here in Five Bridges? I’ve been fairly happy as an
alter
fae, but I’ve found it extremely difficult to want to be intimately involved with another
alter
man. And look how our relationship began? You forged a dreamglide and seduced me while I was asleep. I probably would have never come to you otherwise. So, what does that make me?”

Fergus experienced that punched-face frown again as he stared at Mary. For the first time he began to ask the why of his original seduction. Why had he gone to her?

“You called to me,” he said, almost to himself. He didn’t look at her. Instead his gaze moved over the stone floor of the bedroom as though hunting for a place to land, where life would make sense again.

“But I didn’t call to you. I swear I didn’t.”

He met her gaze again. “Not
you
Mary, but your
alter
self, the part of you that’s no longer human. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why except that maybe it was a basic survival mechanism on my part. Look how many times you’ve saved my ass.”

She smiled. “You’re right about that.”

And she was right; he had a lot to think about.

“I’ll never be able to explain how I created that dreamglide in the first place.”

She took a couple of steps toward him. “Or maybe your pursuit of me is something else completely.”

“Like what?”

“Maybe you’re not supposed to be a border patrol officer any longer or maybe not even the head of a pack. Not all alphas forge packs.”

He shook his head. “Only because there isn’t enough room in Savage. Trust me in this. The drive to create and head up a pack, or take another one over, is stronger than the drive to live. Look at Sydon’s behavior.”

“That’s not a fair comparison at all. That bastard is a psychopath.”

Fergus laughed. “I won’t argue with you there.” He considered her for a moment. “So, where do we go from here, Mary of Revel?”

She shook her head slowly. “I have no idea.”

CHAPTER TEN

MARY STARED AT Fergus for a long moment. She put a hand to her chest since her heart had already started aching. Her reasoning might be rational enough, but being separated from Fergus was going to hurt like nothing she’d ever experienced in her life.

She loved him.

It was as simple as that.

But she also had clarity about who he was and to stay with him would only muddy the waters. Fergus was all for his pack. He didn’t know how to be with a woman right now, in the same way he’d been an absent husband to Sharon. Fergus had issues only he could resolve and her presence wouldn’t help him figure things out.

She kissed his cheek. She let her lips linger for a moment as she drew his scent deep into her nostrils: Stone, wolf musk and wild grasses.

She then straightened her shoulders and headed to the closet.

When she pulled out her flight bag, he asked, “What are you doing?”

“I think I need to head home now.”

“But I don’t want you to go.”

Mary saw the panicked look in Fergus’s eyes. She also sensed how much he wanted her to stay, which tore at her heart. “I don’t want to leave, either. But it’s time.”

Her gaze drifted over his thick black mane, almost dry now, and the broad shoulders she enjoyed so much. Affection for him swirled through her chest. She didn’t want to leave, but she couldn’t stay, not when he’d built an impenetrable steel door keeping her out.

She forced herself to turn away from him and settled her suitcase on the bed. Earlier, Fergus’s wolves had unpacked everything for her. She had to admit he’d built a wonderful community.

“Please don’t go, Mary.” His voice went straight through her as she unzipped the small bag.

She didn’t look at him as she said, “You’re back where you belong and well-guarded. I don’t think I’m needed any longer.”

“Don’t you want to be here? With me? I thought we’d be together through the day, share the same bed.”

She glanced at him. He was frowning again. She’d never seen a man frown harder than Fergus had over the past few minutes. “I don’t think it’s wise,” she said quietly. “I get why Sharon was so unhappy. You’re completely shut off right now but you don’t see it. I’m not trying to find fault, Fergus. I just think it’s an alpha-wolf thing and I’m not a wolf.”

“Sharon was a wolf. She should have understood.”

“Maybe, but she’d also been your wife while you were both human. She’d known you in a completely different and probably much more satisfying context. I’ve known you as my lover and a man who needed my help.

“Right now you’ve stopped being either of those things and part of you is completely closed off from me. I was so caught up in the passion of our relationship, I just didn’t see it before. Now the fae in me can see little else. I would be doing a disservice to us both if I stayed.”

She went to the dresser and drew out a fresh pair of jeans, a thong, one of her favorite purple bras and a light green t-shirt. When she headed into the bathroom, she shut the door to change. She needed some space.

The other negligees still hung nearby, draped over the counter. The Gordion Pack had made an effort for her. She’d never forget their kindness.

She was stunned how things had turned out, but she had to believe it was for the best. She’d gained something extraordinary from her brief time with Fergus; she was now part wolf. What her faeness had given him, she couldn’t imagine or even how her new wolf would be of benefit to her in Revel.

Slowly, she took off the black lace negligee and replaced it on the hanger. She fingered the lace. Fergus had created a spirit of giving in his pack. She’d miss getting to be part of the group.

She put on her clothes and once more brushed out her hair.

Without warning, Sharon appeared, sitting on the counter with her knees crossed.
So, you’re leaving?

Mary jumped, then released a huff of air and rolled her eyes.
You’re back. I wish you’d give me some warning. But yes, I’m leaving. It’s time. Did you hear any of that?

Of course I did.
Sharon seemed oddly subdued.
I guess you think I need to take responsibility for my part in our failed marriage.

No, only for the infidelity that got you killed. Your marital difficulties were a two-way street.

I suppose they were. But thanks for not telling Fergus the truth, about Sydon I mean. It may come to that, but I should be the one to tell him.

I didn’t see how it would help anything.
Surprising tears suddenly bloomed in Mary’s eyes. She stopped brushing her hair and glanced at the bathtub. Though it was still full of water since Fergus hadn’t flipped the drain, it looked strangely empty. The water would be cold by now.

Had they really just made love then broken up?

Now you know how I felt.

She shifted her gaze back to Sharon.
You’re right, I do. This whole time, I’ve known something was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Fergus is all for his pack with nothing left over.
Sharon directed her gaze toward the tub as well.
He stopped having sex with me completely about six months after he became alpha of the Gordion Pack.

You’re kidding? That must have been terrible.

I thought it was me. All this time, I thought he’d grown bored with me. It was one of the reasons I went outside our marriage.

Mary turned toward Sharon.
I’m still confused, though, about what you’re doing here. I’m not exactly a therapist, so I can’t help you gain closure if that’s what you’re looking for.

It’s not.
She frowned and looked really perplexed.
But it’s a helpful side effect. I think I’m starting to understand more and you’re right, I’m getting a degree of closure I never had before.

Maybe this is like a twelve-step recovery program for the deceased?
Mary offered.

For the first time, Sharon smiled, then laughed. The ghostly sound, however, was like a raspy bark.

“You okay in there?” Fergus called out through the closed door.

Mary cleared her throat several times. “I’m fine. Just a frog.”

Sharon grinned.
He’s handsome though, isn’t he?

As hell.

Sharon laughed again and once more Mary pretended to clear her throat.

Mary met Sharon’s ghostly gaze once more and was surprised when Sharon’s expression grew serious.
I wish I could tell you more, but we have way too many restrictions. Like I said last time, you need to show some balls in the next few hours and I think you should stay here with Fergus.

Mary let out a heavy sigh.
I know on one level you’re right, but I’m completely torn. My fae instincts tell me to stick close but my wolf-side is shouting to get the hell out of a hopeless situation. Wolves are clearly much bigger on self-preservation.

Sharon shook her head.
Men. They make life so complicated for us, don’t they? And they never really understand why. But I get it Mary, and I agree. You really are stuck. If you stay, there’s a chance he’ll never figure things out so you’ll continue living a half-life with him. But if you leave, he’ll lose your ability to protect him because of your powerful fae instincts.

You’ve summed it up exactly.
Mary felt tears burn her eyes.
Sort of a damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Yup. Been there, done that.

So, what should I do?
Mary thought if anyone would have wisdom right now, it would be Sharon.

But Sharon barked her laughter once more, causing Mary to clear her throat yet again.

How the hell should I know?
Sharon said.
I’m the woman who let Sydon break my neck with his killing wolf-bite. The only thing I know for sure is that you must beware of the witch. She’s the unknown and most dangerous aspect of your current predicament.

Mary was about to ask ‘what witch’, but just as quickly as Sharon had come, she disappeared.

How empty the room suddenly felt with her gone.

Mary stood very still and focused inward, hoping her fae abilities would speak to her and give her guidance. But what returned were two screaming sides of the issue: She needed to stay but she had to leave. Either option would make her vulnerable in ways she simply couldn’t fully predict at this point.

In the end, she decided she had to go. Now that she could fly, Fergus was only a few minutes away. She would keep her faeness focused on him and the moment she felt he was in danger, she’d head back to Savage.

With her heart settled, Mary returned to the guest room, carrying the clothes she’d worn before her bath. She put them in the flight bag, then quickly moved about the room loading her suitcase.

When she was done, however, she turned to Fergus and saw that he’d put on a pair of black silk boxers which had her blinking hard. He looked good in black, which set off the rolling landscape of his six-pack.

Desire for him skyrocketed all over again.

He narrowed his gaze at her. “You say you’re leaving, but that scent tells me you want to stay.”

She cast her hands wide. “You look hot, okay? But I’m still going.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Her cheeks felt flushed the entire time she finished packing up. She left all three negligees behind, of course. They didn’t belong to her and she definitely didn’t want the female Gordion wolves to think she’d taken advantage of their generosity when she wasn’t sticking around.