Amish Circle Letters II: The Second Circle of Letters (23 page)

“Did I know about this?”

Steve shrugged. “It was nothing much, really. They were good friends, I reckon. And they went to a restaurant a few times, if I recall. Maybe a buggy ride or two.”

She opened her eyes wide. “A buggy ride with an Englische woman?”

“
Ja vell
, seems Lovina is right jealous of her and accusing James of wanting to leave her because of that Englische woman,” he added.

“
The Englische woman?”

“
Ja
, that Eleanor Haile woman. Seems Lovina is harboring some deep bitterness about not having a
boppli
, he thinks,” Steve admitted. “When Eleanor came around recently, she lost her faith in James. She needs to rely more on God, I reckon. Only He knows what He has planned for her and whether or not that includes
kinner
.”

That didn
’t sound good, not to Mimi. She wondered how Steve would respond if she could not have
boppli
. The thought had never crossed her mind. Something else to worry about, she immediately thought with a wave of panic flooding through her chest.

“And Elijah!”

Mimi was still dwelling on the news about Lovina and James, her mind in a whirl, when Steve brought up his oldest brother-in-law.

“I tried to talk with him, but seems he
’s barely responsive,” Steve said sadly, shaking his head. “That cure seems worse than the disease, ain’t so? No wonder he didn’t want to try it. Looks to me like he’s fading faster on that chemotherapy than if he had done nothing at all!” The last sentence was said with more emotion than the rest and Mimi could tell that her husband was upset by the circumstance.

“He seemed bad,
ja
,” she agreed softly, not certain of what else to say.

Steve sighed, turning on the battery-operated blinker before he slowed the horse down at a stop sign. He waited until a car passed before he tugged gently on the right rein, the horse responding by turning in the same direction. “We promise to care for each other, through affliction, sickness, weakness, and despair,” he continued. “I think James and Rachel have mighty strong shoulders for these burdens. They are an inspiration to us all. A testament of faith and commitment, that
’s for sure and certain.”

He sounded impressed with his brother and sister, respectful of their commitment to their spouses during difficult times. They were supporting their spouses, not complaining, when things were difficult or troublesome. Indeed, he had raised the bar that they were true Christians in both thought and deed.

Once again, Mimi chewed on her lower lip and stared ahead at the road, her mind racing. She wondered if he had shared his thoughts with her on those two very difficult situations as an example by which she, too, should abide. After all, dealing with questions of marital faith or family illness was much more difficult than dealing with a crazy milking schedule. At that moment, she felt ashamed of herself and knew that her cheeks were flushing red.               For the rest of the ride, they rode in silence, Steve oblivious to the depths of despair that had befallen his wife. He seemed to be thinking about what he had just said, each moment of silence creating more oppressive weight on Mimi’s chest. She willed the horse to trot faster, wanting nothing more than to escape to her small house and retreat to her bedroom where she would be able to draw the shades and sleep, hoping to shake the horrible feeling of dread that was building within her.

Chapter 9:
Ella’s Letter

Dear Family,

Having seen most of you just last week at the barn raising, I’m not certain what more I have to tell. Instead of speaking of past things, I shall focus on the future, I think.

John David is looking forward to his hunting weekend with his friends after Christmas. They will be heading north to a cabin upstate Pennsylvania for a weekend of deer hunting. We are looking forward to having fresh venison during the holidays and winter months.

With the market season slowing down, I have taken on a job cleaning at a doctor’s office in town. The Englische workers are quite kind and have invited us to Sunday supper with them when he returns from his hunting trip.

I was invited to attend the Christmas program at the school this year. I will look forward to it, especially since Katie and Benjamin will be reciting their verses. I have crocheted little bookmarks for each of the students to thank them for their kindness in welcoming us to the school.

What a great treat that worship service falls on Christmas Eve this year. We are looking forward to enjoying a family meal together for Christmas for those who are able to join us.

It is good to pause and give thanks to God for sending His son in order to save us:

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever shall believeth in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16

I will sign off this letter with all of my blessings for a joyous holiday as we celebrate the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ.

With much love and blessings,

             
Ella and John David

Rachel was glad that Elijah had slept late that morning. It gave her time to get the younger
kinner
fed before she had to tend to her chores, one of which included bathing and dressing her husband. The older boys, Elam and Nathan, were already outside, working in the dairy barn and planning out how to spread the manure in the fields later that afternoon. She had chartered her oldest
dochder
with getting the younger
kinner
outside, needing a break from them being underfoot and hoping that the fresh air would do them good.

Taking a brief moment, Rachel leaned against the counter, her hands still soapy from the wash water, and gazed out the window. The house was quiet and she wanted to enjoy it, knowing that it would not last very long. It never did.

Sure enough, she had only just put away the last of the clean dishes from the breakfast meal when she heard a buggy pulling into the driveway. Rachel leaned toward the window and saw Nathan holding the horse’s bridle as Mary Ruth descended from the buggy. For a brief moment, Mary Ruth exchanged words with Nathan, laughing as she paused to pull something out of the buggy before hurrying into the house.

A quick glance at the clock told Rachel it was only nine in the morning. Swallowing a moment of panic, she wondered what on earth could have brought her youngest sister to visit today, especially so early in the day! Besides, just the day before had been the barn raising and, Rachel suspected, there were enough tasks to do in cleaning up after such an event that she was amazed that Mary Ruth had time to come visiting.

But the joyous look on Mary Ruth’s face had indicated that nothing was wrong so Rachel relaxed and waited for her sister to open the door and breeze through it, a cardboard box in her hands.

“
Wie gehts,
Mary Ruth?” she asked, greeting her sister with a tired smile.

“I had to drop off some pie pans at Leah
’s and wanted to stop to say hello on my way home,” Mary Ruth responded, a big smile on her face.

“Pie pans?” Rachel wondered why Mary Ruth would have harnessed up the horse just to return some pie pans first thing in the morning. With the barn raising just the day before, there was surely an awful lot of work to do at the farm. Still, leave it to Mary Ruth to be so considerate and organized. At least, Rachel thought with an inward smile, this
new
Mary Ruth.

“Better to do it right away,
ja
? Otherwise I might forget.” Mary Ruth pulled out the bench at the kitchen table and sat down. “I wanted to see how you are doing, too,” she added. “We didn’t have much time to visit yesterday and I was noticing how tired you looked. Plus, I had a few leftover pies. Thought you might like to have them.”

Rachel frowned. Of course she was tired. She was both
mamm
and
daed
to the
kinner
these days, not to mention nursemaid to her ailing husband. Still, Mary Ruth’s concern touched Rachel. While many people in the community had expressed their well wishes, she had been surprised about how few had actually thought to visit with her.

“That
’s right thoughtful of you,” Rachel said softly, joining her sister at the table and peeking through the cardboard box. There was a lot more than just a pie or two in the box. Mary Ruth had put in a large Tupperware container of Shepard’s Pie, a plastic bag of fried chicken, and several glass jars of canned goods.

“Why! This is an entire meal, Mary Ruth!”

Her youngest sister responded with a sheepish smile and a demure shrug of her shoulders. Gifts of such magnitude were usually reserved for special occasions, not on a mere friendly whim. “Like I said, you looked tired yesterday. Thought you might like to have some leftovers for the
kinner
and Elijah.”

“I
am
tired,” Rachel admitted with a sigh, beginning to unpack the box. She set each item onto the counter. “But God only gives us what we can handle, ain’t so?”

“I reckon,” was the only response Mary Ruth could muster. But it was clear from the worry in her eyes that she didn
’t believe what Rachel had just said.

“The barn raising was quite nice,” Rachel said, changing the subject. It had been nice, indeed. For Rachel, she had enjoyed getting out of the house and interacting with so many people. She had also appreciated her family
’s help with Elijah. It had been a welcome relief. “Menno must be quite pleased.”

“
Ja, ja
.” A smile returned to Mary Ruth’s face. She seemed to glow at the mention of her husband, her eyes sparkling and a touch of pink creeping onto her cheeks. “He was up bright and early this morning, hurrying to the neighbor’s to milk the cows for the last time. When I left, he was bringing them back to the property with the help of Melvin and the girls.”

That was surprising to Rachel. “Isn
’t that rather premature, then? The inside of the barn isn’t quite finished!”

“He cordoned off a section to confine them.” Mary Ruth was careful to not mention the long discussion she had with Menno about moving the cows back so soon. Her worry was that he
’d get too distracted with tending to them that he’d never properly finish the inside of the barn. She knew all too well about the ease of distraction when working on a farm. But his argument had made good sense. “Now he can milk them at home while he is still working on the finishing touches inside. At least he won’t feel as though he is a burden to our neighbors anymore.”

Rachel could understand that feeling. She was not inclined to ask for help, even if it might have been nice to have it offered to her once in a while.

They spent a few more minutes talking before the clock indicated that it was half-past the hour. Mary Ruth seemed startled and jumped to her feet.

“Oh bother!” she mumbled. “I best get going. He
’ll be needing some relief from the
kinner
about now, I imagine,” she said, half laughing as she stood to collect her thick, black coat. “I’ll be headed to the store on Monday next. “You need anything picked up?”

Rachel stared at her youngest sister, amazed at the woman who stood before her. She could hardly believe that it was the same woman who had fought her tooth and nail about helping Menno Yoder with his
kinner
after the death of his first wife, Martha, six months prior. Indeed, Mary Ruth had changed, from an independent sassy-mouthed girl into a thoughtful and nurturing wife and mother.

“
Nee,”
Rachel whispered as she realized that Mary Ruth being grown up meant the passage of time, something that could not be controlled as it was only in the hands of God. Rachel watched as her
schwester
said her proper goodbye before hurrying out the door to return to her young family. With a degree of envy, Rachel realized that it was something that she would never have again.

“You still in bed then?”

Mimi could barely open her eyes when she heard Steve
’s deep voice from the doorway. She had tossed and turned all night, unable to fall into a deep sleep. Her mind raced with thoughts that jumped all over the place: Lovina and her jealousy of the Englische woman, Eleanor; Rachel and her tender caring for Elijah throughout his sickness; Mary Ruth adapting to her new life with Menno; her own feelings of inadequacy as a wife to Steve.

He had arisen early to tend to the dairy herd, apparently having let her sleep in rather than wake her to assist him. But now, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his hand gently caressing her arm as he looked down upon her sleeping face. When her eyes fluttered open, she saw a look of grave concern in his eyes.

“You feeling poorly, Mimi?”

She shook the sleep from her head as she tried to sit up. “
Nee
,” she whispered. “Just didn’t sleep well, that’s all.”

“You had mentioned visiting your parents this afternoon,” he reminded her. “Still up for that?”

“
Ja
!” The word came out in a forced rush, surprising both of them. She needed to see her parents, her
mamm
especially. The idea that her sleeping late might have signaled to Steve that she was too tired to visit immediately caused her alarm. “
Mamm
was making us dinner. We’re supposed to be there by eleven,” she reminded him.

He frowned and scratched at his growing beard. “That early, eh?”

She knew what he was thinking: chores. Most likely, he had wanted to take advantage of the clear skies to work outside, perhaps fixing the fence line or even spreading manure in the fields as so many other farmers were doing at this time of year. Fertilizing the crops now would help ensure good crops in the following summer and fall.

“I…I could help you if you want,” she offered, dreading the idea of actually helping outside. The smell of the liquid manure was bad enough inside the house. She could only imagine how strong the stench would be outside. Still, if it meant that they could go to her parents on time, she was willing. “Outside, I mean.” She noticed that he raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised by her offer. It was just one more not-so-subtle reminder of how much she was failing him as a farmer
’s wife. Certainly she should offer more often, she told herself. Otherwise, he wouldn’t look so surprised.

“
Nee
,” he finally said, smiling at her. He placed his hand on her leg as he stood up then reached down for her hand, an indication that she should get up. “I’m sure you have enough to do in the house,
ja
? Cleaning and baking some more of that right
gut
bread. Makes the house smell so
wunderbaar
when I come in!”

She couldn
’t help but ask herself if his comments were actually a hint. Did he think their small house was dirty? Did he think it smelled unclean? One of her eyelids twitched and she reached her hand up to press it so that it would stop.

He didn
’t notice.

Not again,
she thought and looked away, hiding her eyes so that Steve couldn’t see. The sooner they’d get to her
mamm
and
daed’s
house, the better!

“Mimi?”

She squinted her eyes shut as tight as she could, hoping the twitch would stop. “
Ja
?”

“You all right?”

Nodding her head, she managed to reply,
“Ja
, just a small headache, that’s all.” Quickly, she slid out from under the covers and forced herself to pad across the floor before he could see the twitching. It would do no good for him to have questions for her, questions that would mean she’d have to disclose the truth or lie to her husband. “I’ll be right down to make you some breakfast.”

She sensed, rather than saw, his hesitation. Ignoring it, she hurried about the task of changing from her nightgown into her work dress. With expert hands, she pinned the front shut, carefully avoiding pricking her fingers. When he finally left the room, she gave a big sigh of relief. She stood at the dresser, staring into the small mirror that hung on the wall.

Yes, she saw it now: the dark circles under her eyes, her pale skin, and the drawn look of her cheeks. Reaching up, she rubbed her hands over her face and fought the urge to cry. She had been fighting it for days, perhaps weeks. Only now she was finally recognizing it for what it was.

“Mimi?”

She jumped, startled that Steve had returned. She wondered how long he had been standing in the open doorway, watching her.

“You scared me!” She tried to force a smile but couldn
’t.

“You sure you
’re feeling all right? If your headache is bothering you, mayhaps you should take it easy today,” he offered. “We could visit your
mamm
and
daed
another time.”

“No!”

Once again, he seemed just as surprised as she was by the forcefulness of her response. She hadn’t meant to burst out like that. It wasn’t in her nature. Not normally, anyway.

Smoothing the front of her dress, she stared at the floor. “I mean
nee
. I feel fine, Steve. Honest and true,” she said in a softer voice, hating herself for lying to him. She’d pray to God for forgiveness later. “And
Mamm
surely went to a lot of trouble to make a nice dinner meal. Sure would not like to disappoint her.”

He eyed her cautiously and she knew that he wasn
’t buying her story…he knew something was wrong. Yet, he also respected her enough to not pursue the matter any further: She would tell him when and if she was ready.

“All right then,” he finally said. “Best get headed outside then.”

“What about breakfast?”

He waved his hand and shook his head. “No time if we are to get to your parents
’ early for dinner. I’ll just grab a slice of bread and mayhaps you might bring me a coffee when it’s ready,
ja
?”