Amy Valenti - Not Your Damn Submissive (Denial #1) (16 page)

I had to calm down before
Kat got here, because if I opened the door in this state I was going to wrap my arms around her and not let her go until she changed her mind. I’d promised her I wouldn’t touch her or crowd her, but it would seriously test my self-control.

Growling wordless frustration, I dropped down onto the bed and checked m
y phone in case I’d missed a message she’d left for me. Nothing.

How was I going to convince her to stay? She was what some liked to call
‘damaged goods’, sure, and I didn’t know how extensive that damage was because she wouldn’t let me in. If her abusive ex-Dom had demanded that she stay with him and refused to let her leave, all I would do by emulating him was scare her away for good.

With every protective instinct within me, I wanted to soothe her confusion and hurt, reassure her that I would never do anything to betray her trust or put her in danger. If she walked away now, I wasn
’t sure I could take it. I’d never been this strongly attached to a submissive before, and might never feel this way again.

Kat was an enigma and sometimes a powder keg, but if I needed to stand within her blast radius to be with her, then so be it. Even if it meant turning down the opportunity of a lifetime t
o stay with her.

A knock interrupted my spiralling thoughts and I jumped up immediately, eager to lay eyes on her even if I couldn
’t hold her.

“
Hey, Cal. Got the stuff you wanted.”

I
’d completely forgotten that I’d asked Spencer to bring over some toys and equipment earlier, before I’d taken a shower. I stared at him for a second in complete incomprehension, then stepped back to let him in. “God, I’m sorry. I know I said we could hang out here tonight, but would you mind a rain check? My sub’s freaking out and wants to leave me, and I managed to convince her to come over here. She’ll be here any minute.”

Spencer clapped me on the shoulder and handed over the couple of bags he
’d been carrying. I distractedly set them by the side of the bed, thanking him and promising to go through everything and call him later.

“
Hope you get everything sorted out with your sub. Seems like you’re really in deep with this one, huh?”

“
I think I love her.” It was something that I’d been trying to dismiss for days, but the confession fell from my lips now, sounding hollow and borderline despairing.

Spencer winced.
“Oh, God. If this doesn’t go the way you hope, give me a call, okay? I’ll bring some whiskey over.” It was a not-so-subtle reference to the way we’d dealt with his submissive crisis a couple of years ago, and I appreciated the offer, though I hoped like hell I didn’t have to take him up on it.

“
Thanks. See you later.”

Spencer left, and I closed the door behind him with a deep sigh, glad Kat hadn
’t arrived while I’d had company but wishing she were here. Checking my cell phone again yielded no new information as to where she was, and I resumed pacing just to have some way to funnel my energy.

* * * *

Kat

I rested my head on the steering wheel for a second and closed my eyes. This was it. If Callum could convince me that he really did want me around for the long haul, I was willing to confess all my darkest secrets and let him in. I was more nervous than a virgin on prom night. The amount of power I’d be giving him over me would be daunting for him, probably overwhelming for me. I had no illusions that telling him the truth would be easy. But if I wanted him, I had to risk something to show him I was as committed to the relationship as he was. It wasn’t fair for me to keep him blind or make him play guessing games anymore.

Let
’s do this.

I got out of the car and walked
up to the hotel, moving quickly. Following Callum’s directions, I took the elevator straight to the eighth floor and walked down the plush carpeted hallway, seeking room 807.

Standing in front of it, I chewed my fingernail for a moment. Maybe I should have redone my makeup, made myself look less like
I’d been sobbing my eyes out, but there was no time to chicken out now. He was probably already wondering why I was so late.

I knocked tentatively, and as if he
’d been waiting by the door it opened immediately. “Kat. Come in.”

Callum looked stressed, his veneer of calm obviously thin. Unless he was acting, I
’d really dealt him a blow he hadn’t been expecting when I’d called.

He stepped back as I entered, withdrawing to the other side of the room, as I
’d requested. I shut the door, a pang of guilt making my stomach contract. “I’m sorry I’m…”

As I turned, my eyes fell on some bags beside the bed, and an item that had fallen out
. An item from my past that I hadn’t wanted to be confronted with ever again, let alone now.

“
No. Oh, no.” I backed up against the door, my vision tunnelling to nothing but the bright red ball and the strap and buckle attached to it. It was the same kind as the one
he’d
had, right down to the circumference of the ball—
too big, can’t get it in my mouth, gonna choke on my own spit, gonna throw up…

Vaguely I heard someone cal
ling my name, asking if I was all right, what I needed, how he could help me. It didn’t make sense.
He
never asked those things.

Oh,
God, what else was in that bag?

I tried to find the doorknob behind me, but all my hand made contact with was smooth, pain
ted wood. I was trapped in here with that thing, and I needed to escape but where could I go?

Someone advanced on me, his hands held up as though to show he was unarmed and harmless. Panicking, I rushed forward and to the left before he could intercept me,
barricading myself in the bathroom and engaging the bolt lock with shaking fingers.

Temporarily safe, I glanced around for a window but found nothing. I was stuck in here, and sooner or later
he’d
get in and…

My cell phone. I could call the police. I sear
ched my jacket pockets desperately, but found only a screwed-up gum wrapper. The phone must have fallen out of my pocket in the car on the way over here. I had no way to escape.

My knees gave out and I thumped to the floor, my last hope gone. Soon
he’d
come and break down the door and tear away my clothes, tie my legs apart and stuff the horrible gag in my mouth and then he’d put me in the cage…

I rocked gently backwards and forwards, trying to soothe myself as my brain whirled through so many different tho
ughts and emotions that none of them would stick. Over the ringing in my ears, something was nagging at me. A voice? A voice I recognised. It belonged to a good person, a person I could trust.

“
Breathe, Kat. I need you to breathe in as deep as you can, okay?”

I dragged in a torturous breath through my nose, the air rushing into my body seeming deafeningly loud, almost drowning out the voice.

“Good girl. Now let it out again, slowly. No rush.”

Now
I couldn’t breathe out again. Every time I tried I just gasped in more air until it felt like my lungs were bursting and I would die at any moment. Somehow, I managed to get some of the air out in a panicked sob, but it wasn’t enough.

“
It’s okay, try again. Breathe in slowly…”

This time I managed to get it, p
ushing the horror to the back of my mind, breathing in time with the voice. In and out, in and out. Exhaling was a challenge, and my lungs felt overstretched even when I had managed to breathe out all the way, but at least it didn’t feel like I was dying anymore.

Gradually my overly
bright, spotted vision began to return to normal, the ringing in my ears faded and I began to tremble violently. The voice soothed me through the process, urging me to think only of what he was telling me, and to breathe.

A coup
le of minutes passed and I could think again, connections in my brain firing in the right directions again. “Callum?” I asked shakily.

He exhaled hard.
“That’s it, Kat, it’s me. Just me.”

Relieved but ashamed of my behaviour, I hugged my knees tighter.

“You locked the door. Can you open it so I can come in and hold you?”

Yes. Callum. I wanted him nearby.
“I think so.”

“
Take your time. Whenever you’re ready. Just remember to keep breathing, okay?”

I
knelt up unsteadily, unsnapped the lock with shaking, clumsy fingers and cracked the door open. The first thing I saw when I peeped out was Callum’s anxious face. He tried a smile, but I could see he was shaken. “Hey.”

I opened the door and threw myself at him, bursting into sobs that wrenched my gut a little more
with each one that passed. He caught me, wound his arms tightly around my waist and pulled me into his lap, murmuring reassurances that I couldn’t quite make out, but that calmed me nevertheless. Rocking me and stroking my hair, he held me until I’d somehow pulled myself together, not rushing me, letting me stay in his embrace for as long as I needed.

I was tempted to just curl up there with him until I fell asleep, but there was too much on my mind for that. Raising my head from his shoulder, I peeked at
the side of the bed where the gag had been. Now a blanket was covering the whole area, but a full-body shudder took over when I started to speculate what might be under it.

“
Hey. Remember to breathe.” Callum drew back to cup my cheek in his hand. “I promise nothing that scares you will be coming anywhere near you. It’s all staying right where it is until I can take it away. All right?”

“
Thank you,” I whispered, my voice hoarse from crying.

“
Don’t thank me. I was distracted. Meant to put it somewhere you wouldn’t see it until I’d had a chance to run an idea past you, but I was too busy trying to figure out how I was gonna convince you to stay. Those things were never part of the plan for tonight.”

“
He used it.” The words fell over each other to get out of my mouth. “He used it on me and I thought I was gonna die.”

“
The gag?” he asked softly.

I nodded and pulled in a deep breath before he could remind me.

“I will
never
use a gag on you, Kat. You have my word.”

“
I know,” I said between sobs. “I’m safe with you. I trust you. I’m sorry…”

He kissed my forehead tenderly.
“Don’t apologise. You’ve just given me the greatest compliment possible.”

“
I’m so sorry,” I repeated, shaking my head. “I was wrong. I was scared. You’re not like him, and I want to be yours. Can I be yours, Sir?”

Tension flooded out of him and he pulled me close once again.
“You
are
mine, little miss. All mine. And I’m yours.”

“
Really?” I whispered. It seemed too good to be true, but I was so emotionally exhausted, so desperate to believe there was a happy ending for us.

“
I don’t know what it is between us, but I can’t fight it and I don’t want to. I need you in my life, little miss. Stay with me.”

I snuggled farther into his embrace and nodded.
“Yes, Sir.”

Chapter Eleven

Callum

Kat fell asleep in my arms and I somehow managed to scoop her up and tuck her into bed. After checking she hadn’t stirred, I picked up the bags of equipment Spencer had left and stashed them out of sight in the closet. Then I joined her in bed, gratified by the way she moved over to be closer to me without really waking up.

Fuck.
That had gone badly wrong, but maybe it had needed to happen for her to really trust me. I wasn’t happy about it—no Dom worth his salt would be glad his sub had locked herself in the bathroom and started to hyperventilate—but I’d averted the crisis and she’d opened up with specific details about her ordeal for the first time.

Ball gags were definitely going on her hard limits list. Other types of gag, too. More equipment would probably
follow, from the way she’d been eyeing the bags as well as the gag that had fallen from one of them. That wasn’t a problem. Anything she couldn’t take, I could work around in a way that satisfied us both. At least, I hoped so.

I wasn
’t having doubts—far from it. I wanted to help my little miss heal more than anything. But if she didn’t open up all the way I was going to have to halt the D/s play entirely. It just wasn’t worth saying or doing something to trigger that kind of reaction in her. Her wide, horrified eyes, the way the blood had drained from her face, leaving her ash-pale and trembling… I never wanted to see her like that again.

Kat stirred finally, seeming disoriented at first but smiling faintly at the sight of me.
“Hi.”

I raised myself up on my elbow to lean over her and kiss her gently.
“Hey. How you feeling?”

“
Kinda headachey. And my lungs feel weird.” She rubbed one of her temples, then shrugged. “Comes with the territory after freaking out though, I guess.”

I passed her the glass of water I
’d put on the nightstand in case she needed it. Kat sat up to drink, looking around the room as though checking for threats.

“
Can I explain?” I asked.

She blinked at me, so I elaborated,
“Why that stuff was there. What I was planning for it.”

Kat nodded slowly, passing the water glass back over so I could set it down.
“I’ll try to keep it together, Sir.”

Hearing h
er call me that even after what had happened earlier was more moving than I could ever have explained to anyone else. I squeezed her hand and kept hold of it as I spoke.

“
I was concerned about how little I knew about your past. I knew you’d find it hard to talk about, so I asked Spencer if I could borrow some of his stuff. I was going to show each item to you one by one and have you tell me how you felt about having it used on you.” I’d never anticipated how strong her reaction had been to a single object, though. Sure, she had been emotionally raw before she’d seen the ball gag—we both had—but there must have been a strong, traumatic memory attached to the gag in order for her to go out of her mind like that.

“
It’s a good idea,” Kat said. “If I’d known in advance, I might have been able to do it, but… Then again, maybe not.”

I stroked her hair back from her face.
“I just wanted to make sure I didn’t step on any of your emotional landmines. I thought it might be easier on you than making you tell me everything.”

“
And here I am stumbling into my own landmines before you’re even ready.” She laughed deprecatingly. “Sorry. You must have been worried sick, Sir.”

“
I know you can’t guarantee it won’t happen again, and neither can I. But I think our chances would be a lot better if I knew at least a basic overview of what happened. So I’m going to keep asking you. It doesn’t have to be today, but soon. Otherwise, we need to go back to being a regular, vanilla couple.”

“
You would do that for me?”

“
I want you as my submissive, Kat, but if that’s too much to ask I’ll try to keep things vanilla between us.”

She shook her head
with a sad smile. “I’m submissive, Sir. You’ve made me realise I can’t fight that. And I have to face my past before I can explore that side of my nature properly. I can’t keep it locked away forever.”

“
Little Miss Badass was doing a pretty good job of keeping me at a distance,” I reminded her, with a kiss to her nose, “but I’m glad you let me in.”

She grinned at the nick
name. “You made me so mad.”

“
You drove me crazy.”

“
Past tense?” she joked, a shade of her playful self returning.

“
Oh, I’m sure it won’t be the last time.”

She kissed me, turning it from an affectionate peck into a slow, searching kiss that sparked desire
in me despite what had happened earlier.

Not now.
I put a lid firmly on the need to undress her, pulling back and snuggling her deeper into my embrace.

“
I’m sorry I tried to break up with you, too,” she mumbled.

“
I get why you did. I don’t agree with it, but I get it.” Stroking her hair, I added, “We’ll make this work. If it has to be a long-distance thing, I’ll visit whenever I get a free few days. Or if you want to move over to California with me, we can do that.”

“
I’ll practice my duck face for when the paparazzi start following me, asking about our love life,” Kat teased.

“
No way. You’re under strict orders to unleash Little Miss Badass on them whenever they get anywhere near you. If you like, I’ll get Spencer to give you self-defence lessons so you can kick their asses.”

She laughed softly, then sobered.
“So I guess Spencer’s a Dom too, then? Since he brought…that stuff.”

“
He says he’s not anymore. Something happened a couple of years ago and he was pretty broken afterwards. He’s still got a ton of equipment at his New York apartment though. Not sure if he’s gotten rid of all his stuff at home in LA. I think he just needs some time.”

“
Poor Spencer.”

“
Even Doms get fucked up by love,” I said ruefully.
And how.

She pressed a k
iss against my cheek. “I’ll be careful not to break you, Sir.”

* * * *

Kat

After my dramatic, traumatic episode, Callum and I decided he should move in with me for the duration of the time he was filming up here. He checked out of his hotel that night and we went back to my place, where he tethered my wrists to the bedposts with a couple of his neckties, after a brief consultation about restraints and what I could take.

Luckily, ties didn
’t send me into hyperventilating panic—I’d have been screwed in the everyday world if they had—so I was able to obey him easily, anticipation rolling down my spine like a drop of water.

“
That’s the only domination you’re getting tonight. Everything else is going to be completely vanilla.”

Wait.
Was that mischief I could see on his face?
Uh-oh…

Callum leaned over and kissed me, long and slow. Every time he moved his lips over mine, sparks
shot down to my pussy. His cock was hard and I wanted him inside me with every fibre of my being, but he seemed in no hurry to get anywhere, quiet confidence in his touches as he stroked up and down my stomach, then my sides.

He cupped my breast and ran his thumb over the hard bump of my nipple, still kissing me. The friction sent a quiver of urgency through me,
and
I arched up into his touch, hoping he’d take the hint and pinch me.

Of course, he didn
’t.

He pulled away from the kiss instead, adjusting his angle on the edge of the bed so that he could give my breasts his full attention. Having his appreciative gaze
on my body was overpoweringly sexy, and all my protests died on my lips as he dipped to capture my right nipple between his lips.

His tongue was devious, flicking and licking, circling and tapping, and for a second he even made as though he would bite dow
n. I craved that so much, but no matter how I pressed against his mouth, he didn’t repeat the action.

He squeezed and rolled my other nipple between his fingers as he sucked and licked the first, so that I had no idea which technique was causing such power
ful surges of want to pool between my legs. I was close to coming and he didn’t look like he was in any hurry to see to his own need, just focused on keeping me on the edge of sanity.

When he transferred his lips to my other nipple and began toying with th
e one he’d just abandoned, I half sobbed with frustration. “Fuck, Callum, what
is
this?”

Again, he scraped his teeth lightly over the sensitive flesh in his mouth, and I moaned in frustration at the promise of a bite that he didn
’t deliver.

“
Oh, God, I want…”

Callum raised his head, and I
’d been right—there was definite mischief in his face now. “I told you I’m not taking any risks with you until we have your limits worked out, little miss. I’m giving you vanilla tonight.”

My
motor mouth ran away with me for the millionth time. “Bullshit! You tied me up and we’ve never done that before, and you
know
I love it when you bite me!”

“
If you don’t mind your mouth, Little Miss Badass, I’m going to fuck you with my fingers until you’re just about to come…”

That was an incentive to be quiet? I didn
’t think so…

“
…and then stop right when you need it the most.”

I clamped my jaw shut immediately, and he grinned.
“Now just enjoy yourself, and less of the sass.”

As I bit down on a million sassy replies, he sat bet
ween my legs and pressed a closed-lipped kiss right over my swollen clit. I gasped at the eroticism of the moment—me completely naked, my nipples still hard and tingling from his ministrations, and him kneeling fully clothed between my legs, teasing my folds apart with his talented tongue.

“
Oh, fuck…” I spread my legs wider.

Although he
’d cautioned me to mind my mouth, Callum seemed to appreciate the profanity. He all but growled against my clit, sending vibrations right through me.

The fir
st orgasm came out of nowhere—a slow wave that I didn’t even think
was
an orgasm until it built and built, sweeping over me, controlled by the way Callum was sucking on my clit. He just didn’t stop, and
it
didn’t stop, each surge making me curl my toes and push against him, each ebb lulling me into a false sense of it being over before he sucked again and drove me higher.

When he pushed his fingers into me and rubbed my sweet spot just right, it became a whole different experience, my climax almost violent. My pussy clamped
down on his fingers in short, sharp clenches that made me want to buck, to force him deeper. I rode his fingers shamelessly as the sensation faded, seeking more friction. “Please, Sir… Oh, take me, please…”

He sat back, removing his mouth from my pussy bu
t keeping his fingers in play. “Are you sure about that, little miss?”

There was a small smile at the corners of his lips, and I scowled at him.
“Damn it, yes, I’m sure!”

He pulled his fingers away and stood up, making me whimper
at the loss of friction. While I watched appreciatively, he stripped naked—quickly, but without any of the clumsiness I would have shown in his position. When he crawled up the bed and over me, I tugged at my bonds to try to pull him closer, an extra jolt of pleasure surging to my pussy as I realised I was still tied.

When he came within reach I pressed close to him, sliding my wet folds over his shaft, and he
sighed against my lips. He pressed his cock against my opening and thrust, penetrating me in one slow, insistent move. It was just what I needed, and yet not—he was going too slowly and I needed so much more.

“
Harder, Sir!” I tugged against my restraints in frustration, but Callum was clearly no amateur when it came to getting submissives to stay put.

He laughed.
“You don’t want slow and tender lovemaking like in the script they’re shooting tomorrow morning?”

I
’d seen that script. It had a few too many choreographic details for my liking and it was way too slow and cheesy. “If you say any of those awful lines of dialogue, Sir, I’ll be turned off for the rest of the year.”

“
I’m just thanking my lucky stars that I don’t have to be a part of the scene.” He kissed me, his cock still buried within me, but he didn’t move.

“
Maybe I should quote a few lines at you,” I taunted. “How did that one go? Something about, ‘I should want to put a stake through your heart, but I just want your
stake
in my—’”