An Accidental Man (25 page)

They stared at each other. Then Austin laughed.

‘Sorry,' said Matthew. ‘Have a drink.'

‘I could always use a drink. Whisky, thanks. Neat, thanks. You won't? Yes, you even look like our father now that you're old. I think if that gentleman hadn't been so damned abstemious I might have been — well, what might I have been — Do you mind if I sit down?'

‘I'm no abstainer,' said Matthew, ‘only it's a little early. I'm glad to see you, Austin.'

‘Are you?'

‘Yes. You know I am.'

‘I can't think why. Oh yes I can. So as you can thank God you aren't me.'

‘No, not only for that reason.'

Austin laughed again. ‘That's nice. Not only for that reason. You're a caution. Well, you wanted to see me and here I am.' Austin had sunk into a chair, his legs cocked over the arm. Matthew prowled, touching the china.

‘So you decided to come and have a look at me after all.'

‘No. You're no oil painting, as my friend Mitzi would say. Do you know about my friend Mitzi? Oh yes, you've met her, haven't you. The twenty stone Minerva with the heart of gold. She's not my mistress, by the way.'

‘I didn't suppose she was.'

‘Hang what you supposed. I came because — let me see, why did I come — because you asked me to and now that our father is in Abraham's bosom you are the head of the family, if there is a family.'

Matthew felt cool now. He was glad that Austin had had a drink or two. A little craziness would help here. He was determined not to let this meeting fail in the way his meeting with Mavis had failed.

‘Then let me enact the head of the family,' said Matthew, ‘by asking you whether you've got a job yet.'

‘No, I haven't, and since we're on the subject I'm broke. Could you lend me some money?'

That's what he came for, Matthew thought. Of course. He felt exasperated and disappointed but still determined to keep Austin with him until — until what? What did he want, what seriousness could they possibly achieve? How, he now realized, his whole scene had changed since he reached England. Something had dwindled, some pure fire. Give Austin the money and let him go. Human beings are better off without pure fires. But it's what I need, thought Matthew, not what he needs, that makes this so important for me.

‘Yes, of course,' said Matthew. ‘I'll just find my cheque book.' He began to ferret about in the desk.

‘You despise me, don't you,' said Austin behind him.

‘No,' said Matthew, still searching. He found the cheque book. He could keep Austin now until he wrote the cheque. He turned round and sat down. ‘Austin, can't we stop being enemies at last?'

‘No.'

‘Can't we forgive each other — or rather can't you forgive me?'

‘No.'

‘Please try,' said Matthew. ‘As you said just now, I'm old —'

‘That hurt, did it?'

‘Please. I'm old and you're not young. And we're not just two acquaintances, we're part of each other. While this bitterness exists there's a part of each of us that is poisoned. Can't you feel the poison in yourself?

‘Yes,' said Austin. ‘But there's only one way to cure that. And it isn't by forgiving you, as you rather mawkishly put it. What does that church language mean anyway? There isn't such a thing as forgiveness. It's a theological myth. You should know that, since you're such a religious expert.'

Austin had abandoned his nonchalant posture, leaning forward now in the chair and staring at his brother. Matthew leaned forward too. It was as if they were playing chess. Outside, under the walnut tree, the Irishman was pushing the mower over the lawn.

‘Never mind the word,' said Matthew, ‘there are movements of the spirit which break down resentment, which let love and pity in —'

‘I don't want your pity.'

‘I was thinking of yours.'

‘My pity for you? Don't make me laugh, Sir Matthew.'

‘I know you see me as a success,' said Matthew, ‘but I'm not a success. Everyone has wounds which they hide and failures and humiliations which torment them. I want and I need to be at peace with you. How this thing grew up between us God knows — at any rate God if He existed would be the only one who could know, it's so damn complicated and so deep and so beyond the conscious will of either of us. But never mind how it grew. We don't need to know that in order to make it cease. To make it cease is perhaps something oddly simple. There's that much good in the world, at any rate.'

‘I don't know that there is that much good in the world,' said Austin. ‘And why do you imagine that I want you to be at peace with me? Why should your peace be an aim of mine? If you were at peace that would be your final triumph. That at least you shan't have while my will can prevent it.'

‘Your will can prevent it forever,' said Matthew, ‘so you needn't feel any anxiety on that score. But why
choose
strife and unhappiness? Because this does make you unhappy, doesn't it?'

Austin after a moment's pause said softly, ‘Yes.' Then he leaned back in his chair, still staring. He added, ‘But why should I want happiness more than anything else? You don't.'

‘I'm not sure about that,' said Matthew. He wondered about it for a moment. Ease of spirit, absence of anxiety, absence of
fear
. These were the ingredients of happiness.

‘Oh get on with it,' said Austin. ‘Write the bloody cheque and let me go. I swallowed my pride and came here partly because I'm financially desperate and can't live on air and my girl friends any longer, and partly because I've realized I don't care a damn. I'm at the bottom, I don't care, I'm free, it just doesn't bloody matter any more. Can I have some more whisky?'

‘Yes. Austin, listen. I have never purposely or willingly hurt you in my life.'

‘That's a lie. Please write the cheque before we start, ha ha, becoming emotional.'

Matthew searched for his pen. He said, ‘Would a hundred pounds do you for the moment?' He had intended to offer a larger sum but he thought, let him come again.

‘You're cunning,' said Austin. ‘Keep little brother on a lead. Interview him every month. That's your idea, isn't it? You want to make me into your remittance man. And then you say you have no ill-will towards me.'

‘I want to see you again.'

‘Oh come on, come on, give me the money, and make it two hundred while you're about it. I want to pay poor bloody Mitzi what I owe her, I've been borrowing from that poor cunt, excuse my French, that's what I've come to, Sir Matthew.'

‘I'll give you two hundred,' said Matthew. ‘Austin, I beg you, just try to conceive that we might be friends. Why should we be the slaves of this sort of black magic? I'm harmless to you.'

Austin got up and helped himself from the decanter. ‘I hear you've been seeing Mavis.'

‘I had lunch with Mavis. Don't worry. It wasn't a success. No need to get excited.'

‘I'm not excited. Just keep clear of Dorina, that's all. Leave
us
alone at least. I think I'd kill Dorina rather than let her have anything to do with you.'

Matthew said, imitating Austin's quiet voice, ‘Well, that won't be necessary. In any case there isn't any harm I could possibly do to your marriage even if I tried.'

‘Not this one,' said Austin. ‘I'll see to that.'

‘What do you mean, “not this one”?'

‘Don't pretend, because we haven't discussed it, that you don't know, and that you don't know I know!'

‘Be careful, Austin.'

‘Be careful, be careful, nothing hasty, love and reconciling, anything but the truth, write the bloody cheque, will you.'

‘What are you talking about?'

‘You know Betty committed suicide because of you.'

Matthew sat at the desk and wrote the cheque. Pay Austin Gibson Grey the sum of two hundred pounds signed Matthew Gibson Grey. He said, ‘Austin, please keep some contact with reality. Betty's death was an accident.'

‘So we all said. But it wasn't, you know. Betty drowned herself.'

‘Austin,' said Matthew, ‘keep a grip on yourself. And curb your spite before it drives you completely crazy. Betty didn't commit suicide. She couldn't have.'

‘How do you know? As you said yourself, everyone has wounds which they hide.'

‘I saw —' Matthew checked himself. ‘Betty wasn't a suicide, she wouldn't and couldn't have done it. And if she had, it certainly wouldn't and couldn't have been because of me.'

‘Why are you so sure?'

The door bell rang. ‘Excuse me,' said Matthew. He handed the cheque to Austin and went out to the front door. The person on the doorstep this time was Garth.

Garth said, getting under way with what sounded like a prepared speech, ‘Uncle Matthew, you know who I am, I hope, and I trust you'll forgive me for taking this step of calling on you without ceremony. I thought of writing and I thought of telephoning, but —'

‘Your father's here,' said Matthew.

‘Oh,' said Garth, pressing his lips together. Then he said, ‘In that case perhaps —'

‘Bring him in, bring him in,' said Austin from behind.

‘Come in,' said Matthew.

Garth followed him into the drawing-room. As they came in Austin, who was holding the cheque, folded it in two and began tearing it up into little pieces. He screwed the pieces into a ball and laid the ball tenderly in one of the Chinese bowls.

‘Hello, Father.'

‘Hello, son. Touching meeting.' Austin sat down. ‘I suppose you two have been chatting about the Absolute.'

‘I haven't seen Garth for years,' said Matthew. ‘I hardly recognized him. Have a drink, Garth.'

‘No, thanks.' Garth was looking round the room. ‘You've got a lot of things.'

‘Possessions, yes.'

‘Why do you call them that?'

‘Well — they are — possessions.'

Matthew looked at Austin who met his eye with a look almost of complicity. Austin looked quite calm. How could he be so calm after all that emotion, after all those lies? Austin was relaxed, the put-upon spectator. He would sit out his son's visit. He would not tactfully make way for Garth, leaving Garth behind to discuss Austin with Matthew. Meanwhile Garth was testing the atmosphere, wondering what to do. God, he's like his mother, thought Matthew, watching the thin frowning nervous face. Betty had been a bony untidy charmer with straggling black hair, but red cheeked, with some gaiety. Betty was drowned in a deep lock on the river, her hair floated upon the water, it was an accident.

‘Well?' said Austin. He smiled at Matthew. His consciousness at that moment was almost affectionate.

‘Another time,' said Matthew to Garth.

‘Sorry,' said Garth. ‘Sorry to butt in on your — your — Sorry.'

Outside in the garden the Irishman was sitting underneath the walnut tree drinking orangeade out of a bottle.

Matthew felt as if some insect were clinging to him which he wanted to brush off against a hard surface. He would not let Austin drive Garth away like this. He would not let Austin win.

‘I'm afraid I've got to go,' said Matthew, looking at his watch, ‘at once. I've got an appointment.' This was an invention.

Austin rose and they all three walked rather slowly to the front door which Matthew opened. The boy is angry with me, he thought, and he felt pain. He very much wanted to speak to Garth, to touch him, but it was impossible. It is not my fault, but the boy is angry. They stood on the pavement. Austin was still smiling a spiteful defensive hurt smile.

Matthew said at random, ‘This is my new car.'

For a second all three were blessed with an interest in something alien. The car was admired.

‘One of those big jobs, eh, very nice.'

‘Excellent colour that dark red.'

‘Automatic transmission. Do you miss the gears?'

‘Very good for traffic.'

‘Splendid London car.'

‘Once you've had automatic transmission you can't be without it.'

‘Can I give either of you a lift?' said Matthew, wondering where he was going.

‘Well, yes, thanks,' said Austin.

‘Where are you going?

‘Victoria.'

‘That's on the way. Garth?'

‘I'll come for the ride. You can drop me at a tube station.'

‘Would you like to drive, Garth?' said Matthew as they moved to the car. He wanted to make some gesture to please the boy.

Garth hesitated. He touched the car. He obviously wanted very much to drive it. He said, ‘No, thanks.'

Austin was peering in at the dashboard.

‘Would you like to drive?' said Matthew to Austin.

‘Yes, I would,' said Austin, ‘if you don't want to.'

‘I don't mind. I'm not used to driving on the left yet, actually.'

‘Must feel odd.'

‘Don't know my London.'

‘Where are you going, Matthew?'

‘The British Museum. I'll take over from you at Victoria.'

‘If you're going to the B.M. I'll come too,' said Garth.

Austin laughed.

They got into the car, Austin at the wheel, Matthew beside him and Garth in the back.

‘Better get out of here by the back way, Austin, avoid the main road, right then left. No, left. Never mind, take the next turning. How are you getting on, Garth?'