An Airship Named Desire (Take to the Skies Book 1) (23 page)

A knock came from my open door. Geoff stood by the doorframe.

“I got confused when I saw your empty room.” He tilted his head back, and several messy strands of hair draped over his eyes, but I held back the urge to reach out and brush them away. He entered, and I placed the box into his open hands. “Is that the old compass Morris gave you? Man, it’s been some time since I last saw this beauty. How long ago was that, three years ago you became first mate?”

I lay on the bed, stretching my arms out above me. “Yep. Three years ago, I acquired some crazy responsibility. I just thought I gained a fancy new room.”

“Wasn’t what you signed up for?” Geoff slouched at the side of my empty bed.

“Never. I thought I’d be following our captain’s orders around the globe, getting into trouble, and exploring the world. Never planned on responsibility.” I cracked a half smile. “Come on now, Geoff, you know me.” A silence spread between us with the unspoken words we wanted to say. He leaned forward and pressed his palms to his temples before running his fingers back through his hair. 

“She was a traitor, Bea. Another one.” His voice broke over the words. “The first time I kept it together, but this? Again?” He turned his head away from me to hide his expression. The sheets crumpled under his white-knuckled grip. “I felt guilty for leaving her behind all those years back, and while I know she betrayed us, part of me has to wonder if it would have been that way, backstabbing and working with mercenaries, if I’d stayed. Or if we could have struggled together and risen out of the muck. But Reno back then…even still. It was bad.” 

“Would you have been happy though?” I asked. He didn’t respond and didn’t turn to look at me, but he needed the logic. “If you’d stayed in Reno, maybe working a job or having a family? Claire would have given you those things, I mean, her childbearing hips alone could’ve.”

The candle on my dresser flickered with a hazy light, and wax dripped down the sides. Dimmed beams cast shadows over Geoff’s face as he stared at his knees. I placed my fingertips under his chin and gently lifted his face towards mine until he looked me straight in the eyes.  

“Gods, you’re right. There was a reason I marked the time Morris picked me up as the beginning of my life. It was the day I finally started living it.” Inches away from my face, his hot breath tickled my lips, which sent a silent thrill rearing inside me. We both moved in closer. With my motion, the compass clattered onto the floor, startling us out of the moment. I scooped it up from the ground and scratched the back of my head to regain some composure.

“See? You’ll be okay as long as you’re with me.” I lightly punched his arm. “Besides, I can’t have some wench stealing away my first mate. You’re an important member of this crew, and I can’t afford to lose any more.”

“So what about your promise to talk?” Geoff put down the compass and faced me. I frowned.  After that intense moment a couple seconds ago, I couldn’t avoid the discussion, and I’d given him my word. Taking another deep breath, I steadied myself and followed with another for courage.

“All right. Why don’t you join me in the captain’s quarters? You’re going to have to move your stuff in here soon anyway now that I’m cleared out.” I picked up the compass box and exited the room.

Geoff followed me, like I knew he would. Sweat pricked my palms—give me a gun fight any day over dealing with feelings. We walked into the captain’s room, now mine, and I placed the compass on a shelf before sitting back in the leather chair behind the desk and taking a deep breath. I glanced up to him, hoping he’d let the discussion go, but one look confirmed he wouldn’t. So after heaving a reluctant sigh, I started talking before my brain caught up. 

“You’re asking something of me that I don’t know how to give.” I flipped one of my loose cameos between my fingertips, focusing on that rather than the intensity I knew I’d find the moment I looked at him. “You want answers and believe me, I’m not blind. I’m aware of what’s between us, but I’m not capable of those kinds of feelings.”

Geoff took the seat facing me. “You care about your crew and deeply at that. How is this so different?”

My heart sped up at the passion in his dark eyes and the way they shone when he spoke to me. Every bit of me wanted him, heart and soul, but I just couldn’t give him what he longed for.

“It’s…” I sucked in a deep breath and choked the word out. “It’s the emotions of it Geoff. I’m proud of my crew, and I’m proud of you. Those are comfortable, they’re okay. But baring your soul to someone else? Being naked under their personal microscope? You’ve known me long enough—why would I ever subject myself to that?” My lower lip trembled, just for a second, but he caught it. His gaze steadied as he reached across the desk and brushed several strands of hair behind my ear. That touch sent a thrill through me, so confusing I couldn’t think straight.

“Bea, there’s such a thing as being too tough. I don’t know where you obtained this skewed impression, but caring for someone else always requires some level of vulnerability. That’s why Jensen’s betrayal hurt us all so deeply. If you didn’t give a damn, it wouldn’t have upset you. It may be easier to shut people out and not care about them, but a life like that isn’t worth living. It’s no different than if I’d stayed to try a farce of a relationship with Claire.”

I sank back into my seat and closed my eyes, inhaling the musk of good leather. One more second of staring at his gorgeous face, and I would get myself into trouble. He didn’t understand. I couldn’t tear down the walls I built regarding intimacy overnight. Hell, I hadn’t even let myself cry when Captain Morris died, and he was a better father than my own. I took a shaky breath before opening my eyes again.

“You make a hell of a lot of sense, but I don’t know. Let me think on it?”

He nodded. I yanked open one of the desk drawers where the captain’s ships were still crammed inside with little flecks of blood marring the hulls. The sight sent a wave of nausea through me, and I tasted bile. I remembered that night, even though I yearned to black it out. The Spanish galleon I’d lifted up shook between my unstable fingers.

“Is that?” Geoff peered at the flecks decorating the hull and stopped when he came to his own realizations.

“I saw it all.” My breaths came sharper. “And cleaned up the mess too. Is that what being the first mate means? You have to be prepared to bury your captain?”

Geoff shook his head. “You have to be prepared for anyone. Betrayal never hurts any less when it happens, but you move forward and do what we are now, hunting the traitor who committed the crime.”

“Jensen’s going down.” I sat up in the seat and leaned over the oak desk. “Mordecai told me the one bit of anything I’ve heard about him. He saw a man in Nautilus matching his description down to the hazel eyes and bowler cap, but the only difference was the Morlock tattoo. Do you think he joined up with those scumbags?”

“It’s just as hard to believe he killed the captain. We lived with him and shared meals for years.” Geoff’s jaw clenched, and he hooked his thumbs into his pockets. “If he’s capable of that type of betrayal, then the Morlocks would be the perfect place for him. Their ranks are full of turncoats, traitors, and scum.”

I shrugged. “That’s why we’re sailing for the Atlantic. From the rumors we’ve heard, the Morlocks are congregating there en masse for some reason. Maybe they have their annual convention of evil. Either way, our highest chance of finding Jensen is there. He’s close. I can feel it in my bones, and my intuition’s never failed me.”

“Are you ready to face him?” Geoff asked.

“More than. I’ll place a bullet through his blackened heart and leave him for the birds to peck away. That traitor killed my captain, and it’s my job to avenge him.” I sat back in my seat, letting the familiar anger burn inside my chest.

“Whatever happened to the box?” Geoff asked. I paused before I spoke. After so many betrayals over the stupid thing, even a mention made me suspicious. When I didn’t say anything, he frowned. “Bea, really? When did you get this paranoid?”

“We’ve gotten double crossed by so many people I couldn’t spit on the lot of them. I don’t ever think you would, but the box …unnerves me.” I jerked a thumb back to the captain’s, I mean, my bedchambers. “It’s tucked away in there, bottom dresser drawer. I trust you Geoff.” He didn’t make any moves to get it, and I relaxed.

“Why not throw it overboard? The stupid thing’s caused trouble since we picked it up. Our ex-employer wants the cargo, the Brit’s want theirs back, and even Jensen wants it. If we didn’t have it, wouldn’t we lose most of our pursuit?” His words lobbed my stomach with a hard punch because I knew he was right.

“We opened the box and it’s some government secret from Old Germany. If it lands into the wrong hands, either Germany stays wronged, or we could be looking at a widespread war.”

He caught my eyes. “But before you opened it, what made you hold onto it?” 

We sailed straight down into emotional territory. I gripped the arms of the chair so tight my knuckles bleached.

“Captain Morris, for him to not go out in battle and over this box? Nothing was worth our Captain getting killed. I can’t lob the thing overboard now because this box could start wars, but, his life meant too much to go down like that, killed by one of his own, unarmed in his room. You didn’t see it.” My voice broke, “He never even stood a chance.”

Silence filled the room and crept into the cobwebbed corners. Neither of us took his death well, but we were supposed to lock our feelings tighter than that accursed box. No tears. I cracked a half-hearted smile and switched the subject. “See, look at that. You wanted vulnerability? I’ll deliver it on a platter. You’ve got a broken captain clinging onto the past who’s too afraid to break down so I can move on. I’m a wreck, Geoff, but I can’t be. I have to stay tough for the crew.”

“And you think that Captain Morris wasn’t? He felt every injury his crew suffered. Caring doesn’t make you weak. It makes you a better captain.”

I took a deep breath. My fingers still clutched the tiny spattered sailboat, and my mind churned like a violent bowl of jelly. Geoff was dead right—he knew me better than I did sometimes.

“What would I do without you?” 

“Probably crash the ship. Even if we have Adelle, our new female supercomputer, no one steers her better than me.” He stood from his seat and leaned in close. “You’ll get us through this. I believe in you.”

The rising murmur in my head quelled at his statement. If my crew believed in me, I’d become a captain they could be proud of. Someone to protect kept me swinging even if life threw me the wickedest storms. The smell of cinnamon and musty parchment drifted over, Geoff’s scent, and I took in a deep inhale. His support reminded me of Desire and of what was really important: a map and the open air.

“We’ll find that bastard and kill him.” I slammed my fist on the table.

Geoff hid a smile. “There’s the feisty woman I know.” He bent over and placed a light peck on my cheek, but this time, I was the one who blushed. “Sleep tight, Bea, we’ll be chasing Morlocks from their dens in no time,” he called back as he strolled out of the room. I stood from the desk, and my legs strained with me. The candle I’d lit long ago still burned with a diffused vanilla scent, but wax dripped down the sides onto the flat iron holder. I opened the bedchamber door and carried the light in with me.

Unlike most of the mess, Captain Morris’s bedroom lay untouched. Aside from slightly rumpled bed sheets, his clean desk and clear dresser shone with the gloss of a fresh polish. I placed the candle on the ledge. The flickering light cast shadows over the walls with long jagged edges, setting the darkness clearly apart. I sat atop the bed and gazed at my new room. My brown leather trunk sat in the corner all buckles with a bronze rim, the largest piece of furniture I owned. It made the place more mine, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d scattered ashes over someone else’s sanctified shrine.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a familiar scrap lying on the ground. I’d left it when I went to clean the Captain’s body. I hopped off the bed and plucked it off the floor.

The Captain’s aviator cap.

He had rarely left his room without his cap. In fact, I could count the days on one hand when his full head of hair saw the light. Reason being, Morris always said every great captain of a ship wore a fancy hat, so he bought his aviator cap the same day Desire rose for her first flight. He sure as hell had been one of the great ones. The leather, so worn and weathered, crinkled under my fingertips. Several flecks of red stained the cap, but they were scarcely noticeable against the dark brown fabric.

I clenched my jaw and tossed my blonde waves back. If every great captain wore a fancy hat, I wasn’t about to be left behind because I didn’t dress for the party. I pulled the aviator cap onto my head and stood before the porthole mirror, which was accented by brass rivets that glowed under the soft light. Although Morris had a larger head, I had thicker hair, so it didn’t fall over my eyes like I thought it would. The woman who stared back in the mirror at me had transformed into a different person than even a month ago. Not just the bags under my eyes or the seriousness in my gaze.

My whole life changed when I became captain. Not that I’d been completely irresponsible and careless before, but I never planned movements like I did now or thought my actions through. I lay on my bed with the cap on my head and stared at the ceiling. Under the dim candlelight, my eyes fluttered until sleep stole me away.