An Idiot in Love (a laugh out loud comedy) (31 page)

              She nodded and shrugged, as if to say,
what did you think I was?

              ‘But--but--but. Ah fuck.’

              ‘Please step away from the door Mr McCall.’

              They tested the door again, pushing it slightly. It remained solid in the frame.

              ‘Fuck. Fuck.’

              My penis didn’t attract anyone’s attention but my outburst certainly did. I slumped against the door and threw my hands to my head. I peeked at Beth through the gap between splayed digits.

              ‘I’m so sorry,’ I told her softly.

              ‘For what?’ she looked concerned, I couldn’t work out if it was for her safety or for my sudden misery.

              ‘Please step away from the door!’

              Again they tried to push; again they failed.

              ‘Donald,’ I said, turning to my roommate, who was still smiling, happier than ever. ‘It’s done, we’re finished here.’

              He looked disappointed, but then he shrugged and stepped away.

              They tried the door again; it gave way against my weight. They sensed victory, pushed harder. I stepped away and it flung open, sending Laurel and Hardy bounding into the room.

              They stopped themselves from hitting the deck, both of them slowly turned their faces towards me. They looked ready to pounce.

              I held up my hands. ‘This has all been a misunderstanding.’

              True to form Hardy seemed the most aggressive of the pair, his face set with a permanent scowl. He made a dive for me, groaning audible as he shifted his heavy-stature forward.

              I side-stepped around a canvas and threw the easel at his feet, it clattered harmlessly against his polished black shoes. The incomprehensible painting tore against his knee.

              I shifted behind another wooden obstacle.

              ‘A misunderstanding?’ he spat. ‘How you gonna explain that, huh?’

              I looked at him, shrugged. ‘I fancied a run?’

              They both dived for me, taking me from each side. They had me in a flash, their hands grabbing my arms tightly, their fingers pressing deeply into my flesh.

              Donald went with less of a struggle, immediately giving himself up to the nurses waiting just beyond the threshold of the room.

              I glanced at Beth before I left, so sure that it would be the last time I was going to see her. If she worked at the hospital then maybe she assumed I did as well, no doubt she would be put off if I was a patient there, and if not then she would have certainly been put off by me storming into her classroom naked.

              The two nurses dragged me out of the room and eased their aggressive hold on my arm once they realised I wasn’t going to try anything. They paraded me down the long corridor. Donald was led by another nurse in front of me, a fourth waited behind with a syringe, prepared to sedate either of us if we tried to struggle or run.

              ‘I had too much coffee this morning,’ I told them, as my mind failed to think of a better excuse.

              ‘Really?’ Laurel replied disinterestedly.

              ‘Maybe someone slipped something in it,’ I offered.

              ‘And what, now it’s worn off?’

              I thought about this for a moment. ‘Could have been decaf.’

              They led us back to our room and watched as we changed. Then someone remained to watch over Donald whilst I was escorted to the psychiatrist’s room, Laurel and Hardy stood on guard behind me as I sat in the chair in front of Doctor Peterson’s desk.

              ‘So much for relaxation Mr McCall,’ she said seriously.

              She looked a little tired, worn out. Eyes which had once been mesmerising and unthinkably beautiful, were now clouded with tiny blotches of red running through them and heavy black bags underneath.

              ‘I’m sorry,’ I caught her eyes and put on my best pleading face. ‘I’m not insane, really I’m not. I liked it here, I wanted to stay longer, that’s all.’ I leant back, content, then shot forward again. ‘But, now I don’t. I want to go home.’

              She looked perplexed.

              I pushed on. ‘Can’t we just forget this ever happened? Go back to where we were before.’

              ‘And what changed your mind Mr McCall?’ she asked, her eyes tiredly flicking away. She looked like she couldn’t be bothered to deal with me right now.

              ‘I can’t really say, I mean I
could
, but I’m not sure I
can.
If that makes sense.’

              ‘Not in the slightest.’

              I didn’t want to tell her about Beth in case she was breaking a moral code. She wasn’t a nurse or a doctor but she did work for the hospital and I was still a patient, I didn’t want to take a chance.

              ‘Look,’ I pleaded. ‘I can prove to you that I’m sane.’

              She sighed heavily and glanced lazily at her watch. ‘I’ll be honest with you Mr McCall,’ she reached forward with a sagging breath; I slumped back expecting the worst. ‘This is not a private hospital; we don’t have the time, the money or the staff to cater for everyone who walks through our doors.’

              ‘What does that mean?’ I wondered.

              She casually shrugged her shoulders. ‘You can leave.’

              ‘I can leave?’

              ‘You can leave,’ she affirmed with a nod.

              I couldn’t quite believe what she was saying. I began to push my luck. ‘But, I just ran naked through your corridors.’

              She shrugged again.

              ‘It took half a dozen nurses to stop me.’

              She didn’t seem impressed.

              ‘I thought that--’

              ‘You’re free to go Mr McCall,’ she butted in.

              I opened my mouth, thought about arguing with her and then left the room before she had a chance to change her mind.

              I thought that I would need to plead my case; I thought I would need to get in touch with Ashley to corroborate the story of the stolen leg and the naked walk. I didn’t, and I was glad, but I was also a little surprised. They weren’t letting me go because they saw through my charade, as it turned out the hospital cared more about free beds than uninhibited flashers. I had escaped regardless, I was on my way home, but I had no intentions of leaving without a definitive answer from Beth.

              I searched for her in the art class and was escorted out of the room by Hardy; he seemed angry and annoyed at the sight of me and didn’t take too kindly to being asked where his comedic partner was. In the ensuing argument I sneaked a look over his shoulder, into the class. It was empty.

              I asked a female nurse on a station near the entrance. She didn’t seem to know who I was talking about and wasn’t interested in a prolonged discussion regarding the matter. I left the hospital with my hopes still high and decided to wait for Beth in our little Eden.

              Noon came and went, she didn’t show. I had already been discharged and had no right to be on the hospital grounds for long, but I was prepared to wait all day for Beth before conceding defeat.

              I heard approaching footsteps after an hour. I straightened up on the seat, brushed clean my jacket, pulled taut my shirt. I allowed a smile of relief to spread across my face and I turned it towards the entrance, towards Beth.

              It wasn’t her.

              A man met my gaze but refused to smile. He carried a pair of shears and a watering can. He set to work on trimming and maintaining the flower beds as I watched with one eye on my watch.

              More footsteps sounded ten minutes later. I prepared again, receiving a curious glance from the gardener when I began to breathe into my hand and smell the resulting odour.

              I turned to smile at the approacher, and again was greeted with a sullen grimace. Another gardener, an equally unresponsive man who knelt by his friend’s side as the pair began to work in synchronised silence.

              I deflated. I sank down on the seat until my legs stretched beyond the base and my lower back rested awkwardly on the varnished wood. It pressed deep into my spine, squeezing my skin against the vulnerable bone. I didn’t move, I didn’t care.

              The gardeners came and went after an hour. Neither spoke; neither smiled. The bright morning light was beginning to fade to a dull orange, the sun now behind me, laying distorted shades on the freshly trimmed foliage.

              A smiling couple came to the garden. Their voices so joyous and excited as they trampled the path. Then they saw me, an intruder in a place they assumed would be deserted. Their smiles lost their gleam, but they still looked happy. They held hands and stayed close to one another as they walked a complimentary lap around the garden and then departed disappointed.

              I was certain that I had blown the best chance I had with a girl I really liked. I didn’t even hear the next set of footsteps behind me; I didn’t feel the hand on my shoulder.

              ‘You’re not supposed to be here.’

              It was Hardy again. He looked pissed off.

              ‘It's getting late,’ he said. ‘You better leave now.’

              I didn’t want to leave. It didn’t seem right that I would have to; I wasn’t in the hospital and I wasn’t doing anyone any harm, but I was too defeated to argue. I stood up without saying a word and began to walk away from the flowery alcove with my head held low.

              A breathless voice stopped me.

              ‘Keith!’

              I looked up, expectant, hopeful.

              It was Beth. Her face was bright red through exertion, her hands on her hips as her body convulsed with staccato breaths. ‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ she said. She flung her arms around me and in an instant I felt better. I felt vindicated. I thought I was dreaming.

              ‘Come on, sit back down,’ she gestured.

              ‘I can’t,’ I said, glancing knowingly at the burly nurse who hovered around like an intimidating gooseberry.

              Beth followed my gaze, looked at Hardy. ‘What’s the problem?’ she asked, her voice ready for the argument that I refused to have.

              He placed his hands defiantly on his hips, raised his chin. ‘The gardens are for patients and staff only,’ he said sternly.

              ‘Excellent,’ Beth said mockingly. ‘Because I work here, and Keith here has only
just
been discharged.’ She sat down, I warily followed.

              Hardy stood there for a moment, he didn’t look like he wanted to leave, but eventually he shrugged his shoulders apathetically and slumped away.

              ‘You waited for me?’ Beth asked.

              ‘I--I--’ I cleared my throat. ‘No,’ I said, playing it cool.

              ‘You did,’ she gleamed knowingly. ‘That’s how I found you. A colleague came here with her fiancée. She said there was a depressed man pouting on the seat, looking like his dog had died.’

              ‘Oh,’ I nodded. ‘That could have been anyone.’

              She laughed. ‘Chief Wiggum back there heard, even he knew it was you.’

              ‘Oh. I guess you’ve caught me--hold on was that a
Simpsons
reference--’

              She silenced me with a kiss. Our lips stayed locked for what seemed like an eternity. I
wanted
it to be an eternity.

              When we finally separated the evening was setting. The shade of the tree behind the chair blocked what little light was left in the sky and showered us in a grey hue. I watched her face through the light of her eyes.

              I decided it was time to explain recent events. I didn’t want to, but it seemed crazy to let it hang over us. ‘Listen, about the whole insanity thing,’ I began.

              ‘It’s not important,’ she quickly interjected.

              ‘I know, but I just think I need to tell you--’

              ‘It’s really not important,’ she said again.

              ‘--That I’m not insane,’ I finished.

              She frowned.

              I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly. ‘Had to finish that,’ I said.

              ‘Fair enough.’

              ‘I searched for you, ya know,’ I told her, changing subject. ‘I asked one of the nurses, she said she’d never heard of you.’

              She looked perplexed. ‘Really?’

              ‘Yeah, then I came here and you weren’t here. I figured you were trying to ignore me and had the staff helping.’

              ‘Who did you ask?’

              I shrugged. ‘Short, frumpy, fairly mean-faced.’

              ‘Sandy?’

              ‘Probably.’

              ‘I’ve known her for years and there are only three art teachers. What did you ask?’

              ‘I said I was looking for Bethany--’

              ‘Bethany!’ she laughed a little, then her face creased with bemusement as she temporarily wondered if I really was insane. ‘Who’s Bethany?’

             
‘I thought Beth was short for Bethany.’

              ‘No,
Eliza
beth,’ she said matter-of-factly.

              ‘Oh.’

              She looked a little relieved. ‘I used to get Lizzie,’ she explained, turning away. ‘Then at about sixteen I decided it was too childish, so I told everyone to call me Beth.’

              ‘Lizzie?’ I was a little awestruck. Something had sunk in, it didn’t seem possible.

              ‘Yeah. My Nan prefers Liz, sounds a little too old if you ask me.’

              ‘Lizzie,’ I said softly, running the name over and over in my head. The images of the Lizzie I knew. The beautiful, soft face. The reassuring voice. The friendly smile.

              Beth nodded, I could feel her slightly bewildered stare on the side of my face as I pondered into the middle distance.