An Impossible Confession (18 page)

Helen allowed herself to be steered back toward the Bourne box. She was horridly close to tears, but somehow in complete control. The worst had happened, he’d found out the truth and turned from her. Somehow she had to find the right words tonight; she had to reach out to his heart and win it back. 

S
o far, fate hadn’t been at all lenient with Helen in her attempts to set the record straight with Adam, and it wasn’t about to start now. While she was preoccupied for the rest of the afternoon with how she was going to convince him she was in earnest where he was concerned, it didn’t occur to her that there’d be any
difficulty
in actually reaching the lake in order to speak to him. But difficulty there would be, so much so that for a time it would seem that she wouldn’t be able to get there at all, let alone on time.

It was all due to Margaret, whose day had commenced so brightly, but who became increasingly unhappy as the afternoon wore on. She was deeply upset by the suddenness of Ralph’s departure, and by the ending of the match with Helen before it had really begun. She was also disappointed by Musket’s failure, a failure that had somehow been emphasized by having come
face-to-
face with Adam. As the afternoon races continued, they ran later and later, and with the sun beating relentlessly down from a clear blue sky, it wasn’t long before Margaret was suffering from a vile headache.

At last the final race was run, and at seven o’clock the royal procession had made its elegant way back up the course and onto the Windsor road. Soon, the stream of vehicles that had descended upon the racecourse and heath earlier in the day were reversing the process, choking the roads in the opposite direction, and the guests who’d been invited to the Cardusays’ famous water party were caught up in the jam, their progress to the lake conducted at little more than walking pace.

Margaret and Helen had to remain in the Bourne box until the
last of their guests had left, and Ralph stayed with them. Soon only Lady Cowper was left, chattering brightly about a forthcoming ball at Almack’s to raise money for the poor soldiers who would be wounded at any conflict with Bonaparte.

As Lady Cowper rattled on, Ralph suddenly drew Helen aside. ‘It’s time for a final word, I fancy,’ he murmured, allowing her no opportunity to protest as he steered her out of the box and down the steps to the waiting landau.

At the bottom, out of earshot of the coachman, he turned her to face him. ‘So, you’re off the proverbial hook rather sooner than you expected.’

She looked at him with loathing. ‘Yes, I’m glad to say.’

‘No doubt, but I doubt if you have any more cause to rejoice than I have. I gather Drummond cut you.’

She flushed. ‘Are you still, having me followed, sirrah?’

‘When I have dear Margaret to report on your activities? Hardly.’ He gave a sleek smile. ‘So, the path of forbidden love isn’t running smoothly. How sad.’

‘It would run smoothly if you were gentleman enough to do the decent thing.’

‘Clear his precious name? Now, why on earth should I be so obliging? No, my dear, I intend to depart for Jamaica without doing a thing to assist you.’ His brown eyes were suddenly
malevolent
. ‘I don’t know what passed between you and my father last night, but I know you had something to do with his actions.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you telling me there hasn’t been a fire at the plantation?’ She was all wide-eyed innocence.

He studied her. ‘There’s no point in playing games, my dear, for I think you and I know each other rather too well, even on so short an acquaintance. You may have succeeded in having me removed from the stage, but you can’t erase my role completely. I’m going to leave a lasting mark on the lives of both you and Drummond, because nothing you do can make me tell the truth about what happened last year. I’m going to quit these shores without uttering a word, and he’ll carry the blame forever, just as I’ve always intended.’ He suddenly put his hand to her cheek in a horrible parody of a loving caress. ‘You shouldn’t have spoken to my father,
my dear, for by doing so you offended me very deeply, more deeply even than when you were obstinate enough to refuse me. I don’t intend to let you get away with it, and I promise you that if things are awkward between you and Drummond right now, they’re about to become downright impossible.’

She felt cold. ‘What do you mean?’

‘That I’m going to see to it that he believes there’s been a great deal more to our association than you’ve seen fit to tell him.’

The coldness intensified. ‘You’re going to tell him lies about me?’

He smiled. ‘When I return to the Golden Key now, I’m going to send him a little
billet-doux
, explaining that you and I have been much more intimate than you’d like him to know.’

She stared at him. ‘You wouldn’t be so foul!’

‘Wouldn’t I? I think he’d be most enlightened to know exactly how much of your sweet self you’ve surrendered to my embraces. You’ll protest your innocence, of course, but he’ll think there can’t be all that smoke without fire.’

‘Smoke?’

‘Yes, my dear.’ His glance moved beyond her to the top of the box steps, where Lady Cowper and Margaret had at last emerged. ‘This is what I’ve been waiting for,’ he murmured, suddenly
drawing
Helen close and kissing her on the lips.

She was caught unawares, remaining rigid with shock for a moment before striving to pull free, but he used all his strength to keep her still, and she knew that the kiss gave every impression of a tender farewell.

He released her at last, turning as the two other ladies descended the steps.

Lady Cowper’s knowing eyes took in Helen’s flushed face for a moment, then she reached up to kiss Ralph’s cheek. ‘Good-bye, Ralph, I do hope it will not be long before you return to us. And I’d hazard a guess that Miss Fairmead will join me in the
sentiment
.’ Smiling at Helen, she moved away to her carriage, which was waiting nearby.

Margaret looked sadly at Ralph. ‘Is there no way you can delay leaving?’

‘None at all.’

‘Gregory will be devastated that you’ve gone without saying good-bye to him.’

‘It can’t be helped.’ He leaned forward, kissing her. ‘Off you go now. Enjoy the Cardusays’ little splash, and be sure to write to me every single day.’

‘I’m a dreadful letter writer.’

‘A word or two will keep me happy.’ He turned to Helen, his face the picture of charming regret. ‘I’m so sorry for all that’s happened, Helen, for I know you and I could have made a very good go of it. I trust you’ll think kindly of me.’

Words fought for precedence on her lips, but in his eyes she could see the threats. No matter how much she wanted to expose him for the rat he was, the trump, Lady Bowes-Fenton’s guilty secret, was still in his hand, and he wouldn’t hesitate to put it on the table.

He smiled, reading her thoughts. ‘You will think kindly of me, won’t you?’ he said again.

‘I will endeavor to,’ she replied at last, managing to quell a shudder of revulsion as he bent to kiss her cheek as well. She glanced up, just in time to see Lady Cowper watching as her carriage drew away.

‘I’ll bid you both farewell, then,’ Ralph murmured, lingering for a moment, as if too upset to tear himself away, then he turned and walked off into the thinning crowds.

Margaret stared tearfully after him. ‘I just can’t believe he’s going. I’ve known him ever since I came to London, and now he’s just leaving. Oh, Helen, you and he would indeed have been happy together. I had such hopes, I could see us all together, the happiest foursome on earth.’ She gave a tremulous sigh. ‘Today has simply been too much for me. I was so happy when we left the house, but now I feel totally wretched, with one of the worst headaches ever. You’ll have to forgive me, Helen, but I really can’t attend the party.’

Helen was alarmed. They
had
to go! ‘But, Margaret….’

‘It’s out of the question. I’ll have to go home and lie down, and since you can’t go alone, you’ll have to stay away as well. I’m truly sorry, for I can see how disappointed you are, but I really do feel very unwell.’

‘Yes, of course.’ There was nothing more Helen could say, for it was obvious that Margaret was indeed feeling ill. She tried to conceal her dismay as they entered the landau, setting off back toward Bourne End instead of over the heath toward Windsor Great Park.

Helpless against this latest intervention by fate, she glanced at her little watch. It was half past seven, and if Adam kept his word, he’d be waiting at the lakeside in another half an hour. He’d wait in vain.

She stared out of the carriage window, hardly able to believe that bad luck was dogging her yet again. The dice were unfairly loaded, and each time they fell, they allotted her more misfortune. Things had been bad enough when Adam had stumbled upon her real identity only hours before, but now she had Ralph’s promise of further vengeance to contend with. Adam would eventually return to King Henry Crescent that night without hearing a word of explanation from her; he’d think the very worst of her actions all along, and then he’d receive Ralph’s
billet-doux
. She lowered her gaze, toying miserably with the frill at her cuff. If only she could keep the appointment….

She looked up again suddenly. Did she really have to remain unwillingly at Bourne End because Margaret was unwell? It was still very sunny, and sunset wouldn’t be for several hours yet; no one would think anything of it if she elected to go for a ride in the park! And no one would know if she rode out of the park and then on to Eleanor’s Lake! She wouldn’t be able to reach Adam in time for eight, but she wouldn’t be as late as all that. Maybe he’d still be waiting. It was a chance she was willing to take; indeed, she had to take it.

At last the landau reached the door of Bourne End, and Margaret delayed only long enough to ascertain that Gregory still hadn’t returned before going up to her room. Helen waited until she’d vanished from sight before requesting Morris to have a horse saddled and brought around to the door, then she too hurried up the staircase.

Mary was waiting in her room. ‘Did you have a good day, miss?’

‘No, I had a horrible day.’

‘Whatever happened?’ inquired the maid, hurrying to assist her to undress.

Helen explained everything. ‘So, you see,’ she finished, ‘I have to see him somehow, so I’ve instructed Morris to have a horse brought around. Will you take out my riding habit?’

‘But, miss….’

‘Don’t try to reason with me, Mary, I’m just not in the mood. Time’s ticking by and I must try to meet him.’

‘Yes, miss.’ The maid hurried to the relevant wardrobe, lifting down the mustard riding habit Madame Rosalie had created for fashionable rides in Hyde Park. ‘Miss Fairmead, you mustn’t go alone, it’s not right and it’s too dangerous. Please let me tell Peter, he’s well enough to accompany you now.’

‘Mary….’

‘Please, miss.’

Helen hesitated. ‘Oh, very well, but tell him to hurry. Go on, I can finish dressing on my own.’

The maid hurried out, and Helen stepped into the tight-fitting habit. She was just fixing the little black beaver hat in place when Mary returned.

‘Peter’s gone out to saddle his cob right now, miss. Your horse is ready and waiting.’

‘Thank you, Mary.’

The maid went to find the gloves that went with the habit, and then the riding crop.

Watching her searching through a chest of drawers, Helen became impatient. ‘Oh, do hurry!’

‘Here they are, miss.’ The maid brought them, and then gave her another anxious look. ‘I don’t think Lord Drummond is going to understand, not after all you’ve told me,’ she said a little gloomily.

‘I love Adam Drummond, Mary, and nothing’s going to stop me trying to win him.’

Unknown to them both, Margaret had come to the door in her wrap, wanting to talk some more about Ralph’s sudden departure. The door was slightly ajar still after Mary’s return, and Helen’s last words carried out quite clearly. Margaret halted in shocked dismay. Her sister was in love with Adam Drummond? But how could that possibly be so? Helen had quite definitely indicated an interest in a match with Ralph!

In the room, Mary continued to watch her mistress, who was teasing on the tight gloves. ‘Maybe it’s just not meant to be, miss.’

‘It is, I know it is. I’ll do anything I have to keep him, anything at all. Propriety has had very little to do with my conduct since I met him, and I’m not about to shrink from things now.’

Margaret leaned weakly against the wall, her eyes closed for a moment. Anything to keep him? Anything at all? Conduct without propriety? Oh, please, don’t let that mean what it seemed to mean! Had Adam seduced Helen? The thought was so appalling in its implications that Margaret almost went straight into the room to face her sister, but then discretion took a hand. Helen’s whole future was at risk, and so solving the problem had to be tackled with a cool mind, not one that was hot and upset with outrage. Gregory should be here, it was something that had to be approached together. Maybe it was already too late to save Helen’s virtue, but even so something had to be done to separate her forever from Adam Drummond’s vile influence. Oh, was there no end to the blows they had to suffer at his hands? Trembling, Margaret smoothed her hands against the folds of her wrap. Helen was green, she knew nothing of the world; at least, she hadn’t when she’d left Miss Figgis’s seminary; what had happened since then was a matter of awful conjecture.

In the room, Helen was ready now. She took a final look at herself in one of the wall mirrors. ‘There, I’m ready for my ride.’ She walked toward the door, her riding habit rustling.

Margaret’s breath caught, and she fled back along the passage to her own room, slipping inside just as Helen emerged. Leaning back against the closed door, Margaret listened to the light
footsteps
hurry by, then she went out again, following her sister to the top of the staircase, and peeping cautiously over the balustrade to watch as Helen was escorted to the door by Morris.

The butler bowed as she went out. ‘I trust you enjoy your ride, Miss Fairmead.’

‘I’m sure I will, I have Peter to show me all over the park. Oh,’ she paused, ‘if Mrs Bourne should inquire after me, please tell her where I am, and that I won’t he very late.’

‘Yes, miss.’