An Innocent Affair (17 page)

‘You got drunk—remember? I had a hard enough time just protecting you from my less chivalrous instincts without trying to explain things when your mental processes were a bit…challenged. I don't know how I kept my hands off you that night,' he confessed huskily. ‘In the morning I was about to tell you when you decided to throw up.' The memory still had the power to bring raw frustration to his voice. ‘It wasn't very encouraging.'

‘I expect that put you off.'

‘I was too desperate by that point to be worried about timing. You have no idea what sort of hellish night I'd just spent. I fully intended following you when you locked yourself in your room, but Miranda advised me to give you time to cool down. Great advice that turned out to be—the next day she wouldn't even tell me where you'd gone.'

‘I made her promise,' Hope said guiltily.

‘I only found out when your
après-ski
antics hit the gossip columns.'

‘Oh, that.' She gave a small grimace. ‘I was trying to forget you.'

‘Successfully?'

‘Don't look so smug. I'm moderately surprised you didn't assume I was sleeping with the entire Winter Olympics squad.'

‘They were there too, were they? You
did
have a good time.'

‘Some of them. And I had a miserable time, as you well know. You know what I mean, Alex—after the way you reacted over Lloyd.'

‘What did you expect, Hope? I was a man who'd fallen in love.' She pounced on the confession and hugged it to her. He loves me—Alex really loves me!

‘I've never been very good at concessions, not with standards, either in my personal or professional life. And what happens? I meet you and I redefine my criteria on an almost daily basis to justify continuing our relationship. I was in a downward spiral and blaming you every step of the way. I was beginning to wonder just how far I'd go to continue sleeping with you when I found out you'd been lying to me all along. It was the final straw. I felt betrayed. It was never
you
I couldn't forgive; it was my own weakness. I convinced myself it was all a game to you, that you'd been laughing at me all along.'

‘I wished so many times I'd never started the charade, but I'd promised Lloyd I'd keep quiet.' She laid a hand on his shoulder and felt the tension in his rigid muscles. ‘I suppose I just wanted you to trust me.'

‘I was half out of my mind with jealousy, Hope. No matter what I told myself, I couldn't stop wanting you.'

Hope gave a rueful smile and ruffled his thick hair tenderly. ‘I know what that feels like. Rebecca was
nice,
which made it worse. I wanted to hate her and I couldn't even do that.' Her nails pressed into the soft flesh of her palms as she recalled the agony she'd felt.

‘I've known Rebecca for years, and Alain, her husband. I was best man at their wedding—the first time around. About eighteen months ago he walked out on
her for a younger woman. She was devastated, and everyone who knew them was shocked rigid. They were the perfect couple fairy tales are made of. The break wasn't a clean one. Alain didn't just keep in touch, he was constantly on the doorstep. It was as if he didn't want to let go. Rebecca reached breaking point, and I told Alain straight that he wasn't being fair to her. How the hell was she supposed to start a new life if he was there, constantly reminding her of what she'd lost?'

‘I bet that went down well.'

‘Anyone who tells you you don't have to take sides in a divorce is a liar,' Alex responded drily.

‘They got back together?'

Alex nodded. ‘I hope it works out, but it won't be easy for either of them. Love may not conquer all, but it sure as hell helps.'

‘I love you, Alex.' She felt delirious with pleasure at her freedom to make the admission, to make it twenty times a day if she wanted to. ‘I hope you won't get bored hearing me say that.'

He caught his breath at the expression that glowed in her eyes. ‘I just hope I can live up to your expectations. I'm not an easy man, Hope. And I did say some vicious things to you. It's no excuse, but it was a tremendous shock suddenly not being emotionally in control of my life,' he continued in a driven voice. ‘I felt as if you were playing the tune and I was dancing. I fought against it. In my ignorance, I imagined things would go back to normal,' he recalled with a short, hard laugh. ‘If I'm honest, I think a perverse part of me leapt at the chance to take control, even if that meant driving you away. I was a fool and a coward, Hope.' His eyes blazed with emotion as he gazed at her. ‘I couldn't have been more wrong.'

‘I'm pretty used to making my own decisions and getting my own way too, Alex. Letting someone close is
new for me too.' She didn't want him to paint her as the victim in all this. Misunderstandings had been on both sides.

‘Don't get me wrong, I never resented your strength. Strong women don't threaten me—I'm attracted by independence. It was the changes in
me
I couldn't adapt to. I've always been self-sufficient. External factors have never had the power, except in the most superficial way, to influence my…' He shrugged. ‘For want of a better word, my happiness. I guess, in my arrogance, I thought I was the exception to the rule—the one man who
was
an island. Then you came along.' He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked deeply into her eyes.

‘I'll never abuse that, Alex.' She was deeply moved that he wasn't holding anything back, and she didn't underestimate how much it had cost him to lower his defences so totally.

‘I took a long, hard look at myself and I didn't like what I saw. How could I have believed all those things about you when at every turn I could see your warmth and openness?' He groaned, self-recrimination clear on his face. ‘If only I'd accepted my first gut instinct instead of trying to find a flaw. Lloyd was right—you are pure gold.'

She made a sound of protest. ‘Don't, Alex.' She couldn't bear to see him hurting. ‘I like what I see when I look at you. I did the instant I saw you at Lindy's wedding.' Later she'd show him the photos of that day, the ones she'd kept back for herself. Well-thumbed prints that so recently had been all she'd thought she'd ever have of him. But now…! Now her heart felt as if it would explode with joy.

‘I know.' The old steel that she loved was back in his eyes. He took hold of her left hand, his eyes admiring the elegant length of her tapering fingers. ‘I think I first realised what had happened to me when you begged me
not to leave you after the accident. I'd have given anything to take away your hurt. I've never felt so helpless in my life.' His voice throbbed with emotion and his eyes darkened. ‘And I was responsible.'

‘That's not true,' she contradicted firmly. ‘What happened to you, Alex?' She needed to hear him say it. It would all seem more real then.

He ran a hand through his hair. ‘You mean I haven't told you?' A wry grin twisted his lips. ‘Hope Lacey, I love you and always will. Shall we get married or live in sin, my love?'

‘Sin with you sounds attractive,' she said, lacing her fingers with his. ‘Only I think I'm a conventional girl at heart. Do you mind?'

‘Mind!'
His smouldering eyes ran over her face. ‘I want all the world to know you're mine.'

‘Perhaps we should just limit ourselves to the family today,' she suggested with a cheeky grin. ‘Heavens!' Her eyes opened wide in consternation. ‘They'll all be wondering what we're doing.'

Alex didn't seem in any hurry to release her. ‘You've forgotten something.'

‘I have?'

‘The key,' he said with a lecherous grin.

She wasn't about to spoil his fun or hers by pointing out that one door at least still had a perfectly good key in the lock. ‘That is a problem,' she agreed innocently.

‘I think it's one we should investigate as a matter of urgency.'

‘My thoughts exactly.' She enjoyed the instant effect her sultry smile had on him.

‘Aunty Hope, have you got locked in?'

‘We did that once and Jake got us out. Shall we get Jake for you?'

Hope paused, her lips a mere whisper from Alex's mouth. ‘I don't believe this.'

‘If you don't say something they're going to drag Jake up here.'

This reminder spurred Hope into action. ‘No, boys, I'll be right out. Don't get Jake. You can go back downstairs.'

‘No, we want to use the bathroom.'

‘Why this bathroom?' she breathed, rolling her eyes skyward.

‘I think we'd better admit defeat. It's amazing people actually
want
these little monsters, isn't it?'

‘Children? Don't you? I mean—' She broke off, flushing. It would be ironic if just when her maternal instincts had kicked in—a little late—it turned out Alex didn't want children.

‘The truth is,' he admitted cautiously, ‘I'm as crazy about them as the next man. Don't worry, though, if you don't like the idea. Your career…'

‘Oh, but I do—now.' She hastily filled his awkward pause. He'd actually be willing to forgo children for her? The depth of his love made her feel humble. ‘I'm not really the earth mother type,' she warned him. ‘You won't come home to the smell of fresh bread baking and rows of rosy-cheeked children.' She didn't want to raise false expectations. ‘To tell you the truth, I'm not that great with tiny babies—but children I'm fine with. I'd quite like to have a bash—at least once—if you're game?'

‘I think you're beautiful with babies. Don't worry, love, the rate your sisters are going you'll get a lot of practice before your time comes.'

‘That's true. Mind you, at this rate there's not much risk of me getting pregnant,' she observed with frustration.

‘I always pay my debts. I promised you a customised orgy with individual instruction, and come hell or high water—'

‘We've already done those,' she reminded him with a grin.

‘I'll deliver the goods.'

Hope smiled lovingly up at him, her colour heightened. ‘I'm relying on it.'